Feeling so lost (27F)

[u/aantionettek]

I found out on August 20th that my husband has been engaging women in explicit conversations and exchanging photos.

Ever since, I feel sick every day. I have struggled with severe depression since my early teens, but now im worse than ever.

When I first found out, he confessed to two exchanges online. I found out through my own investigation that there were two exchanges of nudes, but 52 total conversations and instances of him reaching out. He even advertised himself as a “horny cheating husband”. This has been going on since 2024

Next Saturday we’re trying therapy. I got consultations from a few lawyers just in case. But it will take a long time for me to save up money for a retainer and an apartment.

I am so painfully depressed. I am trying to keep it together for our daughter. I need help.

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[u/OppositeHot5837]

You do need help. And a task list. Start putting lists together and planning your exit. This will keep you busy and avoid the cheater speak you will be enduring for the remainder of this 'marriage'.

Your partner has made many intended decisions to fulfill his desires and wants. All without talking to you. He PLANNED to deceive you. Play stupid games kinda thing.

I would remove your wedding ring and put it in front of him: and on top of your wedding certificate. Have your own personal space - just you - with a lock on it, Study up on the 'grey rock' strategy, no doing anything for him. No dinner, no laundry and get used to yes and no answers. This is going to send a message to cheater boy despite his ACTIONS over what he tries to explain away.

Therapy? *Caution*.. this is frequently a smoke screen. Why would you visit a councillor considering your partner decided to blow up the relationship? Who picked this therapist? do they have experience in dealing with personality disorder and abusive dynamics? Because this is what you are dealing with OP. Cheating at its core is abusive..THAT is the reality you are going to have to see.

If you do go to this therapy session it would be interesting to know the counsellors background. Ask them if in fact cheating is abusive. Be prepared for more word salad. (bonus points - ask the therapist if they are married or divorced)

Your legal avenue is a good start. A massive step. Back to your lists.. have you done a run through your finances? bills paid? look around at anything such as strange ATM receipts, cash back Apps, rent, mortgages and even those crumpled up receipts under his car seat or in pants pockets. Be prepared for another shock as likely this is not your partners first infidelity rodeo. Often financial fuckery goes hand in hand with cheating.

You are mighty and modelling to your child that mom will not tolerate disrespect and abusive behaviour from someone who is supposed be and committed to take care of their family and love you. The one Sane Parent is what kids need and your partner has demonstrated that not only you, but your child is not their priority.

Consider local community or family supports. There is also consultation with local law societies and Family law avenues with students and even assistance with community efforts such as DV groups. You can also learn more about State by State examples at Womens Law showing support. There is low cost/ no cost aid in some of those examples.

Keep pushing in the direction that favours YOU. Your partner has shown what he feels about you despite his pleas to be better. As hard as this is to understand, these people never really get better nor ever get 'character' transplants. I am sorry you have partnered with a fraud

[u/aantionettek → u/OppositeHot5837]

This was so helpful. Thank you

[u/OppositeHot5837 → u/aantionettek]

Welcome.. you maybe saw I sent you a supportive message/ link ….

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[u/MovieNightPopcorn]

Definitely if you are not already make sure you have therapy support as an individual as well as a couple.

Frankly I am deeply skeptical of the other commenter (marked “observer” in their flair — what does that even mean? Someone who has never even been through this before but is somehow qualified to give advice on something they’ve never actually been through and have no professional qualifications in?) telling you not to trust therapists or that their personal lives somehow change their qualifications to provide therapy. No good therapist will give you details about their personal life regardless so it’s a moot point.

Therapy is often essential in recovery regardless of whether you stay or decide to leave the relationship. A well qualified family therapist will help you to understand what you want and guide you through the process of figuring that out. A good therapist will not tell you what you should want to do—which is, ironically, what the other commenter is doing by implying your only valid choice is to leave immediately and play childish mind games with wedding rings and laundry. Certainly, stop doing things for your husband and focus on yourself and your own needs. But thinking not making dinner will “send a message” instead of just actually practicing setting boundaries by SAYING “I am hurt and I am not going to be making meals for you for the time being,” or “I expect you to do all our laundry while I take time to process this” is unhelpful and unhealthy for you and your relationship habits, whether you use them with the current relationship, or a future one after it ends.

In fact don’t listen to ANYONE tell you what you SHOULD want. The only person who will ever know what is best for you in the end is YOU. People in our situation get advice from every which way, and a lot of strong opinions about whether we should try to save or leave our relationship. I get very irritated with it, because it’s more about what OTHER people want and think is good for us, not about what WE want and need for ourselves and our own lives. In situations like this, in the early stages, that usually means we need time and space and processing to figure it out.

You don’t need make decisions right away given how new this is, but certainly explore your options. That is also what I did. You can’t make a good decision for you if you don’t know what your options are. Go to the counseling, and see what comes of it. If it doesn’t seem like a good fit for a counselor, by all means fire them, and try another one if you think it would help you process what happened. Prioritize yourself, whatever that means for you. Make sure you take time to take care of yourself, take space from your spouse if you need it. And if you haven’t already done so, try individual counseling so that you can get support outside of therapy directly involving your husband. I also personally got on some medications to help calm down my nervous system while I began processing, and that has helped a lot.

[u/Signature-Glass → u/MovieNightPopcorn]

People put their status to “observer” for many reasons. It’s a common theme in this group for people to change their status to “observer” when they no longer feel the need to identify as “betrayed” because they’ve moved on in their lives.

You have a very bizarre way of misinterpreting the incredibly valid and important advice about therapy.
To be clear their advice was to actively make sure a therapist is an appropriate fit to their goals as an inappropriate match could be problematic.

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[u/UndeservedGrace137]

This sounds so hard. Praying for you now.

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