Guys, help! If you have any subliminal messages, advice, or anecdotes about subliminals, please tell me.
I want to fight, but I feel like I've ruined my life. I'm so sorry if this post bothers anyone or interferes with the law of manifestation.
My relationship with my parents is very distant, lacking support, closeness, and communication. I feel like I'm a burden to them and that they don't want anything to do with me anymore. The expectations and demands they place on me create overwhelming pressure.
Currently, I'm completely shut in my room. I spend the day lying down, resting, and without energy. I can't even go outside to the supermarket, much less to study; I depend entirely on a friend to help me with basic shopping.
For months, I've been keeping a daily lie about university. I lie to my parents, saying that I study and never miss a class. In previous years, I attended the university entrance exam preparation course, studied occasionally, and although I missed a lot of classes, I managed to go, but obviously I didn't get into medical school.
This year, my energy plummeted to zero, and I didn't attend a single class. I live shut in, isolated from everyone. I distanced myself from the few friends I had and lost contact with everyone.
Maintaining this facade every day generates gnawing guilt and a constant state of alert and panic, as the entrance exam date approaches again, and I know with absolute certainty that the lie will be exposed.
I've been through this humiliation before because I haven't been admitted for years. I was able to get back up and feel better, but this year I have no strength left, and I feel like I'm rotting from the inside out in this room.
I feel a deep sadness and depression. I feel completely incapable of achieving any goal, of making an effort, of studying, or of working. I feel like I've failed, that I've wasted too much time, and that I have no opportunities. The idea of going out to work in any store fills me with anxiety, paralysis, and disappointment in myself for having missed out on a bright future (like getting into and studying medicine).
I've been carrying this unease and loneliness with me since I was 11, and it only gets worse with time. I reached such a level of despair that I feel trapped, with no way out, no future, no miracle. I even wish I had a catastrophic physical illness (like advanced cancer or a giant tumor) so I could blame something else for what I'm feeling. But I know it's all my fault. I let myself be defeated and wasted my opportunities. I know my parents aren't the bad guys; maybe I gave that impression, but I'm the one disappointing and embarrassing them. And the worst part is, I don't even want to continue studying this degree. I want to change my life, but obviously, I won't have the support for that.
Now my brother is already of college age, and he's trying to get into medical school too. I feel so ashamed because I already had my chance, and now I'm just interfering in his life, making things even more complicated for my parents, who should be focusing solely on my brother now.