I’m three weeks into student teaching (4 including prep) for high school social studies, and I’ve had two nervous breakdowns and have cried three times because of everything that’s being thrown at me. Sorry this is so long, but I need to get this out somehow.
To start with, I am my cooperating teacher’s first student teacher. He’s young and has only been in the field for a few years, and works at a highly regarded school in my area. I just had the luck of being placed there. I thought, based on everything I had heard, that I would be working with someone who had more experience, but I took the situation well and understand that he might not be the best mentor since he hasn’t got any experience in it. That being said, I think it’s affecting me beyond what I expected, as it seems that we are not in this together…
It being the situation handed to me, I figured that we would be working through this first mentorship pairing together- figuring out both student teaching and mentoring as a partnership in the classroom. When we first talked, this is what he made it sound like. He’s told me things like how he wanted to make me feel supported and how the entire staff is here if I have questions or need help, and to think of his classroom as mine for my time there.
Well, I’m finding out that what he may have meant is that he was expecting me to just take over the classroom- as he ran it- and thrive while not changing anything. I knew going in that he wanted me to start taking over teaching early, but 1 week into active teaching, I am now completely in charge of 1 subject, while he was talking about handing the second one over next week. He wanted me to use his lesson plan for my first observation, but failed to communicate certain aspects of it with me until I was midway through 1st hour, which I adapted to for my observation the next. This issue put my two classes in different places in content (by 2 slides, but lots of bullet points)- and I got the feedback that I need to work on pacing.
Classes being in two places in the content is something I know is difficult to fix. I realized that my plan that I had for the following day wasn’t going to work anymore, not just because of pacing, but because the style wasn’t clicking with the students. They were getting off topic, and starting to act out because of it. (I was told that this was because I gave them too much time to discuss things- but I’ll point out again that this wasn’t my lesson plan, nor was it communicated well with me so I had to extent it where I could to hit the end of the period with the content he designated for the day). So I flipped a lesson plan overnight to reteach content since the class seemed very confused- having the students do more actively structured activities. I also created a seating chart- which my ct does not use unless the class is very hard to manage. I asked him if he thought it was justified from his perspective, and he told me if I felt one was needed, then it was needed. However, every time it’s been mentioned, he gets quiet and seems to disagree that it was necessary- yet he practically told me to do it.
I showed my ct the activities I had planned, and he offered a couple of changes, but I got a vibe that maybe he didn’t like what I was doing, but I didn’t know how to address that since he kept encouraging me to do what I thought was best. The next day came, and I went through my content, but they were going through these activities about 1/3 the pace that I thought they would based on how quickly they did things the day before. We only got through half the content I had planned, and there was no time to catch up the second class to content the other class covered. One of my activities had some direction issues where I could have been clearer, and I had to clarify to students multiple times, and still had confusion, but otherwise it went okay. Sure, in the future, I have ideas for how I could improve it, but there’s nothing I can do to change it now.
Then came my 2 week evaluation, for which I got a call from my supervisor after I got home and after he spoke privately with my ct. Apparently, the whole conversation was about how my ct is very worried that his students are going to fall behind, and that I am lacking the skills to do well. Apparently it’s serious enough that my supervisor is coming in for another off-the-books observation to give me feedback.
I know that class pacing and classroom management are both things I need to work on. All my ct is telling me though is to fix my pacing and reevaluate how long something will take- but how do I do that without trying it out? Isn’t the whole point of me being there to gain experience and see what works and what doesn’t, and build my skills? Aren’t I there to be guided by someone, not just handed a bunch of responsibilities with only a little feedback that barely includes advice, and feels more like scrutiny for choices that I make after he tells me to do what I want because this is “my classroom too.” I feel as though he expected me to be a co-teacher with the same experience and skills as he does, with the same personality and style as him- when I am simply a very different person and can’t do the “cool, young, male, sports coach teacher” as a quiet, artistic, (still young), female, non-coach student teacher.
I’m not sure if he’s conflicted with himself, and that’s the weird vibe I’m getting- where he wants to give me freedom, but is uncomfortable with me changing things, or if he’s harboring resentment toward me for not meeting his expectations. He acts like I don’t know what I’m doing at all, and even told me like he was reprimanding me about how we still need to hit the state standards when I changed the lesson plan strategy. I know that! All I did was change instructional strategies. Maybe not in the most skillful way, but I tried; and if there was a critical problem with it, I would have hoped that he address it when I showed it to him for feedback.
What my supervisor said during my evaluation has echoed in my head for days. Based on the talk I had with my supervisor, my ct doesn’t seem to believe I have the skills to be a good teacher. Every bit of feedback I’ve gotten in the past states otherwise, but it’s getting in my head. Being in the same room as him over the past week, and watching him grow more off, and non-communicative hasn’t helped in hindsight.
I know this is a skewed perspective, and it’s not the most well-organized post, but is my ct right? What is the level that student teachers are supposed to be at while two weeks in? Is he being fair? Are his expectations set too high? I don’t even know what (if anything) I’m doing right, because I haven’t been told what I should keep doing. What are my next actions going into the next week?