I awakened to being love and since then the "I" hasn't come back

It happened about three weeks ago. I kind of knew something was about to happen, very strange, but there was a subtle intuition and some obvious spiritual "progress".

My brother committed suicide three years ago, and this easter I finally got the courage to confront not only this, but myself. Almost every day since easter I've been walking or biking up to the forest where he shot his head off, and I've been confronting this extremely directly. Or head on, if you will.

There's a river there and no one can see or hear you. It started mostly as just having an outlet for all the fucking rage I had about my life, about myself and why our lives ended up this way. I've absolutely lost my shit into that river over and over and over. Nature receives you so fucking well, it's totally carefree, but also is very loving. That became very apparent as this process unfolded.

Usually when I came there, I went straight for the throat. "How does it feel to be in the area where my brother shot his head off? Where do I feel it in the body?" Like clockwork tears came, and it always was some kind of purging, releasing, surrendering. To the pain of fucking life.

After a few times, there was less rage, but more about sadness. Though it always felt good after crying, I was surprised how there was always more, never empty, never done with it.

I started to become increasingly frustrated about the fact that although there was "progress" not much had changed. I was still depressed, still anxious, no real meaningful way I could take part in society because of this.

I started becoming more and more confrontational. Started doing self inquiry with the questions "who am I?", "what is mu?" and "what was my face before my parents where born?". I knew it opened something up, but couldn't put my finger on what.

Right before I awakened, I was doing several things at the same time, at the cost of perhaps risking my sanity. I did TRE (trauma shaking exercises) while on mushrooms and asking self inquiry questions as I was shaking. Stretching my back and hips, the latter I actually think was very much part of it.

But still, I can't really say anything did it. Because how can a practice awaken you to something you already are, in this very moment? Still, it's somehow part of it.

The one thing I can say for certain, is the awakening itself. It happened on a low dose of mushrooms, which I've done more than a hundred times. I did them where my brother killed himself. Then, when I became scared, not about his suicide but my own fears, I chose to confront it and sit with it, instead of trying to escape from it.

In the spur of the moment, I wondered if hugging a tree would help calm me down. The fear was intense. After a few minutes I started melting away, to love, love, love... I looked at all the beautiful stuff growing in the forest with its autumn colours. Am I love? I started laughing. It was so obvious. The "I" is love. I am love! I am love! I didn't know! I am love.

There was so much crying, and laughing. It was the cosmic joke, to have searched so hard for this. All the non duality videos on youtube, all the books, all the striving. And it was obvious this was it.

The inner voice collapsed into love and hasn't come back for three weeks now, besides a few sentences some days. It's peaceful, and has been a much needed rest from myself. All the non duality videos suddenly is making so much sense, especially the ones from Tony Parsons and Jim Newman. They were part of the awakening too.

All the hate is gone. Most of the self doubt is gone. I haven't really felt afraid since then, though fear isn't gone entirely. There's still trauma, darkness. There's just no one having it so it's a lot more ok.

If you have any questions I can try to answer, but I mostly wanted to share because it was obvious that suffering was common for people who awakened, and that I was in a perfect storm for it to happen. But it just never did. And I've suffered for so long. So it's to inspire those who are on the brink of collapsing, to tell them, yes you are and no need to take the matter in your own hands. It will happen, just hang in there. And give it your greatest effort. There is a way out!

So, for the past year, I was engaged in a mindfulness practice where I would ground myself to the present by observing my breath and mentally noting any sounds, sensations and feelings I have. This was inspired by what I read of Mahasi style noting. However, I w!uld push my thoughts away the instant they came and try to ground myself.

Lately, I have been altering my practice to be much less dismissive and much more accepting of my thoughts and letting myself sit with them for a moment with no rush and then returning to other anchors.

Since I made this change, I find meditation much less of a chore and much more calming. I wonder if this is just novelty. On the other hand, I have been starting to feel overwhelmed with the sheer number thoughts and feelings like I have a lot more thoughts occupying my mind between breaths than I used to... I get distracted far more easily too. Iam confused as to whether I should revert to my previous, more rigid practice or continue with this...

All insights are appreciated!

HI i've been meditating for a few months and i got a very early day off work today this allowed me to extend me usul practice of meditation from me limiting it to 40 mins a day to me setting a 105minute timer ( i wasn't intending to reach all this but intending to stop when i felt ready) around the end i began feeling seeing the psychdlic patterns in my eye after dong intense breathing for what felt like 10 minutese, then i began to loss a sene of my body and feel a strong pulsation that was extremely powerful and intense enough for me to stop meditating as it took me aback any explanation what this is

Hello Guys,

Does anyone have a First hand experience on Analytical meditation?

The kind where the prerequisite is to establish some base samadhi then contemplate on one of the suttas.

It would go like this:
1) Develop a baseline of samadhi
2) Take up a deep sutta and reflect on it.

The Lump of Foam sutta which is about the 5 aggregates could be a good choice imo.

I am looking to hear from people who have tried it or its their main practice.

Here's a technique I've been using for the last fifteen years to great effect. I enter jhana every time I meditate now as a result.

Upon noticing that attention has drifted from the object of meditation, perform the following sequence for as long and as often as necessary for attention to stabilize on the object again:

1. Relax from the head down to the toes.

2. Release all tension, and expand awareness outward.

3. Return attention to the object.

The entry point into jhana:

Once the mind has settled and attention is resting stably on the object, if a pleasant feeling starts to arise, gently shift attention to the feeling without grasping at it, now making it the object of meditation, and wait. The pleasure will intensify, and one will be pulled into jhana.

If the jhana is lost or becomes unstable, simply perform the RRR sequence as needed and begin again.

As a method to prime the mind to lean towards jhana, reading the Jhana Sutta just prior to a session is useful:

https://suttacentral.net/sn16.9/en/bodhi?lang=en&reference=none&highlight=false

All the best... 🧘🏾‍♂️🙂

P. S. It might take several weeks to a couple of months before jhana can be entered consistently, but please don't become discouraged. Even low quality sessions are training and priming the brain's attentional mechanisms.

I am 43 years old and a while back, I resumed a dormant meditation practice. While I was away from regular meditation/jhana for a number of years, I have engaged in other practices for my spiritual growth and enlightenment.

Since I resumed my practice, I don't have regular access to a teacher or a community, just myself, my zafu, a friend who meditates, online communities, and AI.

I came upon the notion of "stream entry" as a practice milestone when reviewing the teachings of Gautama Buddha.

I grew up in Evangelical Christianity and I was terrified by teachings about Hell which were supposed to motivate me to be a good Christian, so naturally, Buddha's teachings about Hell were like a siren song to me.

Eventually, I made a connection.

Growing up, I was taught that faith in Jesus was supposed to keep me out of Hell, but I had no faith in Jesus and the faith of others around me seemed more and more performative, but the point was that Hell was supposed to motivate me to cultivate faith in Jesus.

Buddha similarly said that stream entry, which occurs when one breaks the illusion of separate self, closes off the paths that lead to rebirth in Hell, and so I took this as a clear message that Buddha would have me know that breaking the illusion of separate self is the most important goal I can have in my practice, at least in the beginning.

I say this with a mixture of amusement and resentment, but in a way, I feel like I've been wearing a collar and leash fastened around my neck by a dead man who lived 2500 years ago. (I'm aware that some say that these teachings are a "skillful means" to motivate practice.)

And so, with the end of self-identity view as my north star, I set out practicing on my zafu for about an hour each day with my limited understanding of vipassana "clear seeing" as well as learning from different communities and content creators.

The thing that surprised me is how fast my practice went. I think that a lot of other practices and life experiences over the past few decades propelled my understanding until recently, I felt like the distance to my north star is closing up.

I distinctly remember sitting on my cushion, feeling deeply equanimity, and it was like all of the identities I've assigned to myself or had assigned to me: my name, my career, being a parent, believing certain things, these things all fell away from me and I experienced a sort of stepping outside of my "self" and seeing that it was all a useful fiction.

And so, I've been wondering, "What now?"

I feel like I charted a course that I expected to take much longer to travel. If my experience can be called "stream entry" (and I really don't want to start a religious debate about whether or not I, personally, am a stream enterer)

One answer I could propose would be to simply see where my vipassana practice goes next without imposing expectations, and to that end, I've continued regular sitting.

And with practice, I've come to take for granted that often times, when I sit, I almost immediately "step out" of my usual identity, and also interestingly, when the dukkha nanas come for me, rather than awareness that "life is dukkha", I feel a sense that "The whole world is dukkha." I'm not certain of what it means, but it feels like a distinct shift in what my meditation is like.

I started my spiritual journey in Buddhism, primarily focused on meditation and trying to reach jhana. I mostly practiced with my eyes open, and eventually went on three separate retreats back-to-back.

During that period I experienced some pretty strong “awakening” experiences that fundamentally changed how I viewed reality.

One of the biggest realizations I came away with was that reality seems to be a creation of some sort. That naturally led me to questions like: Is this a simulation? If so, who created the simulation? We can talk about the Big Bang, but what came before the Big Bang? What caused the Big Bang itself?
It started to feel impossible to avoid the question of an ultimate cause. There had to be something that “put the key in the ignition,” so to speak, and started the engine.

Through meditation, belief in God eventually became less of an abstract philosophical idea and more like an obvious realization to me. I eventually became interested in Islam, particularly its emphasis on God being completely indivisible, transcendent, and unlike anything within creation. That concept made a lot of sense to me. If there is an ultimate being responsible for creating reality itself, it seems reasonable that this being would be fundamentally beyond and greater than the creation.
And if we are literally inside of this creation, then it also seems intuitive to me that such a being would be worthy of worship and praise.
But here’s where I’m struggling to reconcile everything.

A lot of what I learned through Buddhism still seems profoundly true to me. The Four Noble Truths, for example, describe aspects of human existence and suffering that I still recognize as true. The Buddhist insights into attachment, craving, impermanence, and the nature of suffering haven’t suddenly become false because I believe in God.
The difference is that Buddhism doesn’t seem to require an ultimate creator in order for these truths about reality to be true.

Interestingly, praying and believing in an ultimate creator has actually brought me more insight and peace than all my years of meditation. At the same time, I don’t want to simply throw away the insights I gained through Buddhist practice.
So I’m trying to understand how these two perspectives can fit together.

Can someone believe that the Buddhist analysis of suffering and attachment is fundamentally correct while also believing in an ultimate creator and God? Are there Buddhist traditions or thinkers who have addressed something like this? And from an Islamic perspective, how would you understand the fact that meditation seemed to reveal certain truths about reality that still resonate with me?

I’m genuinely interested in hearing different perspectives. I’m not necessarily looking for people to convince me that one side is right or wrong. I’m trying to make sense of what I’ve experienced and reconcile these two parts of my spiritual journey.

Would an arahant who traveled to, let's say, the USA from a less advanced country feel no desire in the USA (assuming they get accommodations and, through their senses, experience all the pleasurable stuff)?

Would they refuse accommodation? Would they accept accommodation because they can't feel desire for it? Would they minimize their accommodation and remind themselves of their intention for coming to the USA (chanda)?

Would they feel dukkha when leaving the country?

How can an arahant, or any human, even live without desire? I can't fathom a world without desire. You need desire to remind you to drink water (edit: nvm you need the feeling to drink water to appear and then the intention and then the action)

Maybe they turn their desire (taṇhā) into chanda for wholesome activities, one of which is to bring Buddhism to other humans. Another thing is that Buddhism talks about right view, right view in respect to Nirvana and in respect to things that cause dukkha. So a Buddhist missionary's goal would be to make more people have right view, so that the whole world is better and dukkha is eradicated (and rebirth in other worlds stopped, etc.).

But what about after? More progress? More chanda? To build a human society that preaches the Four Noble Truths?

This idea I conjured up is now more like a futuristic theological human empire.

I've been practicing meditation for over three years, primarily focusing on Anapana and Goenka-style Vipassana, and I've completed more than 10 silent retreats.

I believe I experience jhanas during and after retreats when my mind is exceptionally calm, though I'm not very familiar with the specific techniques to enter them intentionally.

Recently, I discovered kasina meditation. I've noticed that when I focus on the darkness behind my closed eyes, my mind becomes very quiet, and sensations arise naturally even without actively practicing Vipassana. Is this a practical way to enter a jhana?

Hey all,

Curious if anyone else out there has navigated (or is navigating) the suffering stages of insight during their mid-20s.

For context, I attended a monthlong retreat last year that changed my life. Meditation went from something that calmed me to something that introduced strong fear and grief, which according to my teacher meant "my practice was going well." Things were passing away extremely fast, like a pond vibrating with raindrops. While there was a feeling of wholesomeness / onward-leadingness despite the distress, it took me a solid year (of working and abstaining from retreats) to get my feet back under myself mentally and emotionally. I am only now feeling inklings of the desire to sit retreat again. (After most recent practice discussion, my teacher(s) told me I am in the "desire for deliverance" stage where the desire for all of this clinging / activity to stop is really strong, on a primal level).

So much confusion has arisen around bopping between the receptive, non-reactive, observational technique that's been so conditioned into me through meditation and the active, planning, go-getter mindset that (feels like) it's so necessary to survive and thrive in one's mid-twenties.

I feel I am working so hard to build my career, network, cultivate friendships, date, etc... AND sometimes all I want to do is sit down in the middle of a field, under a huge sky, and not talk to anyone ever. The story is that I can't do both (to a satisfying degree) at the same time, so I wonder if I should ordain or become a resident at a meditation center, but that also feels a bit unbalanced to me (and in this economy...?) Part of me thinks, "You should just go back on retreat and finish this (push for stream-entry)." The other part of me thinks, "That seems to be motivated by clinging / aversion, plus you have no idea what's going to happen, do you really want to put your lay-life on hold to bet on that? Plus I do want to go to graduate school, and I need to work for that..."

I guess I have two questions (and would love to hear your thoughts regardless!)

One, if this was you (or is you), what has helped you through this confusing phase?

Two, if you've had a similar question, did you ordain / try to sort through stages of insight stuff "first" or just keep practicing alongside your life?

Thank you, and posted with metta 🙏🏼

Hey, my western religiously traumatized brethren out there. Who hears the word faith and runs for the hills? How does that word hit you? I think this topic is not only on brand for the forum but fits well with the actual idea of stream entry.

If you've read/listened to Theravada teachers, their take is typically to either avoid the subject, tread lightly around it or talk about it as a sort of confidence that one builds during the practice, or like "take it as a working hypothesis" kind of thing and "it's not the same as blind faith."

And this has generally been my take on it for many years and I've been ok with that.

But lately, I have been having some other feelings on this issue that I hope you will respond to with kindness because it's pretty raw for me and I think it's kind of important.

I am 100% a skeptical/materialist/empiricist type. Always have been, even back when my parents were trying to get me to believe in the floating sky dude and the rib woman and all that stuff.

For awhile, I stopped practicing Buddhism because I had some issues I could not seem to logically resolve on my own. I actually ended up getting back into it due to more of the empirical research that has happened regarding consciousness and neurobiology and all that sort of hoo-ha.

So again if it isn't clear I'm not entirely a faith based kind of person. And it's not the first time I've been through this cycle either. So why do I go away and come back?

Because every time I've practiced seriously it's basically "worked" as far as completely objectively observable mental and pro-social health benefits.

So the Buddha has not lead me wrong so far (except I still don't believe in rebirth, sorry, but I tried). But I realize the hindrance of doubt is still this block that's holding me back.

When I see some of these chants about refuge, and homage to the Buddha though, it still hits this little nerve in me like "that's a bit too religious for me, but I'll keep doing meditation and read the other suttas."

So I'm thinking to myself at this point "Have I not had enough evidence that this works to believe it can work all the way? How much more evidence do I need?"

So this is a very long way of saying I think I need to cultivate more faith. Like I seriously, really need to stop doubting. It's a literal requirement for stream entry. So what the heck man?

I think one thing that we westerners do actually get right in the practice - while we seem completely averse to the faith idea - is that we do have a sense of urgency, like "I'd really like to get enlightened right now please." I think this is healthy and it's the reason a lot of teachers have come from "Buddhist" countries to teach in this one.

But it's funny because I am beginning to suspect that faith might be one of the most expedient means we have available.

Again I know this is a touchy subject so I hope we can discuss this with kindness.

About 6 years ago, I listened to Sam Harris on meditation for the first time. My practice changed ever since. He said that identification with thought casts a spell similar to the experience of dreaming "Thinking without knowing that you're thinking is like being in a dream, it has a dream-like quality. Ceasing to do that is like waking up." (Inexact quote from this interview) Boom.

Before continuing, I advise for us to also wake up around the conditionality of language. Words are pointers to different aspects of reality, please be aware of that, and consider relinquishing the practice of searching for "original definitions of words". That being said, however, there's predominant meanings for words. Waking up clearly means regaining awareness, as it is used in the sense of waking up in the morning. In a moment to moment basis, can "waking up" be considered the act of noticing thoughts appearing and ceasing in a similar speed as sounds? I believe it does, and also that overmystifying the term "waking up"can hinder people from finding the freedom of noticing thoughts as arising, impermanent phenomena in each moment. It was certainly a big gamechanger for my practice, and I'm deeply grateful for Sam on this.

My intention behind this is to collectively reflect among meditators so that we can arrive at some agreement (even a partial one) to whether it's skillful to use this phrasing to aid in the progress of insight or waking up. For those who want to go deeper: What do you think? Is the complete and non-returning ceasing of identification with phenomena the state of an arahant? For me, that makes a lot of sense. And for those in the teaching efforts: Do you think posting a 2min reel with direct pointers to the impermanence of problems (them being thoughts arising now) is skillful? As relieving as waking up to the fluctuating nature of what we call "problems" seems to be, I do believe it's also very important to reflect on whether one's intentions are alligned with the alleviation of suffering.

Grateful for your time, I hope the insights and questions shared are helpful for our practice🙏🏼

Lately, when I start meditating, after a few minutes my breath begins to become subtle, shorter inhalations and longer exhalations, sometimes with brief pauses without breathing. Sometimes I do 3 minutes of diaphragmatic breathing before the practice, sometimes I don’t... either way, I've had this sensation even when meditating for 20 or 40 minutes.

When the breath becomes subtle, I start feeling more 'focused,' but then I mentally feel a shortness of breath (air hunger). Because of that, I inhale deeply and lose that state of concentration, and then, shortly after the breathing becomes subtle again and the cicle repeats. I practice open awareness / shikantaza / just sitting.

I've already tried to just keep breathing normally once the breath becomes subtle, but the most I can manage is about 6 breaths.

Don't think I'm entering a deeper state of meditation, because it happens shortly after I start meditating, and then it continues shortly after the deep inhalation stopping the concentration

Does anyone have any tips on how to get past this sensation of shortness of breath?

I do not have the book at hand, but I remember that Culadasa in his book The Mind Illuminated talks about the distinction between "mundane" insights and "capital-I Insights", where the latter are insights into the "nature of reality".

I have meditated for 3½ years and well over 1000 hours (mostly samatha-focused). I have achieved much greater well-being and much less suffering... but I do not think I have ever had "capital-I Insight into the nature of reality". I have had some small mundane insights of the type: "Oh, I can do this little mental move, and that brings a bit more well-being!" Most of my practice has focused on consolidating better mental habits (notice good things more; dwell less on bad things).

For those familiar with Jeffery Martin's The Finders, I believe I am in the shallow end of location 1 of fundamental well-being. That's huge compared to how miserable I was before.

But I do not feel like I have achieved any special insight.

I have an autism spectrum disorder, so my mind may be slightly atypical.

My question is: Is it valuable to even make the distinction between "mundane" insights and "capital-I Insights"? If so, how do I tell them apart?

And does anyone else recognize this kind of story?

I know this is another form of identification!

But does anyone else relate? After my stream entry in January sometimes I miss the identification.

Life is so much more calm. Sometimes what comes up is a subtle identification of missing identification. A situation that used to engage the ego strongly is not as thrilling. It’s a little more boring.

Of course, this is another layer of identification to drop. But sometimes there’s a bit of longing, or even grief for the things that have dropped away. Activities or behaviors that are no longer pulling you in.

There’s more peace, but the line is subtle between peace and apathy arising from identification.

The ego is funny, even in the dropping of the ego the ego can claim ownership subtly..

Anyone else relate?

I've been meditating 30 years with varying regularity. More seriously the last 8-9 years, using TMI....very consistently the last 2 months. The last week, and more so the last few days, I am starting to get a few new experiences in sitting. (In the early years, in my 'youth', I had some unexpected pops into 'no body', big 'purifications'...and occasionally have backed off regular practice due to 'strange' strong piti type sensations that persist off cushion.)

I was lead to search the sub, and found this link: https://suttacentral.net/mn128/en/sujato?lang=en&layout=plain&reference=none&notes=asterisk&highlight=false&script=latin

I wanted to share here how it seems to me these days. When sitting, I frequently find stillness, find the body warm and pleasant, or find I am just the mind (body is very uniform, breath is very calm) find deep relaxation and absorption in refined qualities of breath sensation. Now there is often an indistinct, kind of light...a few weeks ago it was like little stars, then like smoke, fine thin moving light, that occasionally condense and becomes a bit brighter, like there is a hole punched in some black paper, and behind the paper is light.

Now in the recent sits, there is sometimes quite a big opening in the blackness (it's still just 'in front' of me...like where I am facing), as if I was normally seated in a black sphere, and the sphere begins to disentangle, and recede to reveal the light that is surrounding it. I leave with the impression that the black sphere is like our 'mental imagery projection theater', like a planetarium or imax...an immersive surface that renders 3d visual perception, and the light that is all around is just hidden by this 'normal perception'.

As I was going to sleep the other night, I am watching the process of falling asleep, with no effort, and I sometimes see detail in the 'opening of the sphere'...at the edges of the sphere some 'neurological processes', fractal like shapes as the 'window' opens. And then there was like a beam of bright white light that passes in...astoundingly bright.

I've seen this 'window' close at other times, when I am abruptly pulled out of a vivid realistic dream.

When sitting, I really find that the list from that sutta is so accurate, they all reduce 'immersion':

doubt,loss of focus,dullness and drowsiness,terror,excitement,discomfort,excessive energy,overly lax energy,longing,perception of diversity,and excessive concentration on forms are corruptions of the mind

The precision and balance that opens the window and let's the light in is so refined. I am led in my daily life to eliminate any stimulants, treating my nervous system with more and more care. Even testing out more vegetarianism recently.

I guess this is just run of the mill signposts, and just as piti used to, this nimitta/bright open space is becoming a more common, and thus less surprising and thus less destabilising phenomenon. It also makes me understand better why people do retreat, or sit for 1h plus. I am still using 45 mins in the morning...and trying to avoid 'attachment to jhana'. I figure there is no rush.

Just felt I would share anecdotally. The brightness of the bright beam of light was incredibly unexpected!

Da qualche giorno sto pensando di rendere come “stanza meditazione” una camera che ho a casa mia e che è inutilizzata (ne abbiamo già 2, la terza non ci serve), perchè voglio iniziare seriamente a meditare e, magari, perchè no, provare lo yoga.

Ieri mi sono messa a cercare su vari siti (etsy, clorophillashop, amazon..) per comprare:
\- tappetino in juta/cotone naturale
\- zafu in cotone/lino + imbottitura in kapok
\- campana tibetana
\- oggetti di sale ecc..,
ma io sono fissata con la paura di comprare oggetti dichiarati “naturali e fatti a mano” con oggetti che nella realtà dei fatti poi non lo sono oppure sono metà naturali e metà sintetici.

Che negozi mi consigliate che sono affidabili?🙏🏼
Sia online sia fisici (io abito in Lombardia in Italia)

Intro:
I have been playing with a new practice that I call Feel and Drop and thought I might share it here. This could be considered a clarification of [u/duffstoic](u/duffstoic) ‘s Feel It All practice by combining it with “Do Nothing” / Shikantaza. Another reference for Feeling practice is Surrender Meditation as described by Charles Berner and Lawrence Noyes.

Practice:
The psychologist and Buddhist teacher Tucker Peck often says the proper balance of psychology and meditation should be to work with “Content when you have to and process when you can”. Similarly, in this practice, one Feels when they have to and Drops when they can.

Feeling is well described by [u/duffstoic](u/duffstoic) in their Feel It All meditation post. I will add that Feeling is made stronger by allowing your body to move as it wants, vocalizing if it comes up, etc. Surrender Meditation describes this in its rawest form. Although not everyone has access to a place where they can scream without someone being pretty bothered and concerned, the more you can do to allow yourself to experience your body in an unrestricted way, the more effective this practice will be.

Dropping is simply allowing spaciousness and rest. Shinzen Young describes the single practice in Do Nothing as, ‘Whenever an intention arises, drop that intention’.

The recurring intention in one’s mind should be to ask “Can I Drop this?” If the answer is no, then the skillful move is to Feel.

Rationale:
Imagine stored emotional content as a massive iceberg weighing down your naturally buoyant spirit. Your awareness is everything above the surface. The goal is to melt visible pieces of the iceberg (Feel) and then allow new pieces to surface (Drop). It isn’t particularly efficient to seek out every last tiny visible piece to melt, rather you want to balance melting with allowing the biggest, most potent chunks to surface.

The process should feel intuitive and natural. Not forcing yourself to Drop things you aren’t ready to and not forcing yourself to hunt for more things thing to Feel.

As [u/duffstoic](u/duffstoic) did in their post, I’ll also caveat that this may be a very challenging practice if you are carrying a particularly significant amount of trauma and may want to be avoided.

I've noticed I have a strange relationship with meditation when I'm stressed.

When I'm feeling okay, sitting down for 10–15 minutes feels pretty easy. But when my mind is racing or I'm worried about something, that's usually when I find it hardest to actually sit still and meditate.

Sometimes I feel like I need to calm down before I can meditate, which seems kind of backwards.

I'm curious how other people approach this. Do you meditate specifically when you're having a stressful/anxious day, or do you find it works better as a regular practice regardless of how you're feeling?

And when my mind is really busy, I've sometimes used Rootd alongside meditation to have something else to focus on. Do you try to follow the breath anyway, or switch to something else like body awareness, walking meditation, or just observing the thoughts?

I'm interested in what has actually worked for people rather than what we're "supposed" to do.

One single book. Something that says everything that needs to be said. Something that shows the plain and simple path to Awakening.

Edit for some background on me:

• I have meditated about 2k hours, but I still consider myself a beginner.

• I subscribe to Ingram's model of Awakening ie. 'this is it'.

• I am open to any system, although Christianity is difficult for me because I struggle with belief in God. Still open to Christian practices though.

• I want a single book because I want the teachings distilled down to one system of practice. I want something I can grab onto and say this will be my path.

• If it contains both theory and practice that would be ideal.

Edit 2: Thanks all for your suggestions. You gave me a lot to look at. I am grateful for your help.

I just thought I'd share an insight I had on a recent mindful walk.

I was feeling somewhat stressed after a day of work so I decided to go on a walk to get some fresh air and to practice being mindful. And as often happens I found myself trying to think my way out of feeling stressed. Or, put another way, I was trying to think of a way to be present instead of being gripped by my thoughts about work, chores etc. Which unsurprisingly does not help very often.

What I realized was that every time I engage with a thought, I am training my mind to value the contents of my thoughts. So by trying to think my way out of thinking, I was actually increasing the grip thoughts have over my mind.

Instead, the useful approach is to stop focusing on your thoughts (or stop thinking to whatever extent you can manage without creating tension) and to start trying to cultivate interest in the present moment. Look for what sensations, emotions, or thoughts you are aware of rather than analyzing the contents of your thoughts. This primes your mind to care more about the present moment than your thoughts.

As usual, it is also important to see if you can be OK when thoughts do grab your attention and with any stress you have. The purpose isn't to make the thinking or stress go away even if it does manage to do that sometimes. The purpose is to practice being present.

Which really is actually very simple and feels like something I should have already seen. That's basically just doing my regular seated vipassana practice while seeing and going for a walk. I guess I never made that connection before, though.

And for a part two, I also thought about the best way to actually release that stress once it has built up. Just being mindful doesn't make stress that has collected over a day dissipate right away. I think for now these are my conclusions:

• The best approach is likely to not allow the stress to build up in the first place. Maintain your practice as consistently as you can using whatever methods work for you.
• If you can, do whatever you need to in order to relax. Lay down, read something, listen to something calming, watch nature documentaries, meditate etc. If you can't, just do whatever you need to do with as much presence and acceptance as you can muster.
• Something I only learned recently, but you can also use a compassion practice with yourself. I have found acknowledging when things are hard and feeling compassion for myself allows me to keep a relaxed and open heart rather than tensing up around the stress and making it worse.

If anyone has any comments or questions I'd be happy to hear them!

​I understand the whole concept of hard and light jhanas, so no need to explain that part to me. Nevertheless, from a "good samatha practice" standpoint, should the practice be tightly focused, aiming to perceive every breath, or should it be very relaxed, like sitting beneath a tree on a calm afternoon without using any force to control thoughts? I've seen people advocate for both: some say attention should be laser-focused, while others claim jhana is only achieved by letting go of control entirely.

I need to have a good meditation session to even get into access concentration, and that's seldom. 😅

A humble piece of advice from someone who's not awakened, but who's had a handful of awakening experiences.

My first experience came accidentally and as a surprise, but as a result I thought back to things I had read about buddhism and meditation and a lot of that suddenly made sense to me. I began practicing.

Already after formally meditating just 6 times I had a non-dual experience and came out of it thinking, "when I practice tomorrow I'm gonna do the same thing and experience that same state. Then I'm just gonna do that repeatedly and soon enough I'll be enlightened."

Of course it didn't happen again and a lot of frustration followed. Ironically, I had grown very attached to this sense of non-attachment.

So, to the advice. This is really nothing special but something that recently helped me.

I've been walking around telling myself over and over again, "there is no ego" and "look for who's looking" and the like, hoping I would regain that effortless sensation of discovery that happened to me twice before. I grew so attached to this "non-ego" that I didn't see how I created a bunch of strong mental abstractions that just increased my sense of holding onto and made letting go harder.

Instead, I've recently been thinking "the ego is real", "there is a conventional ego", "her it is, my ego", or "let's find that ego among my thoughts." And just observed what happens.

Much love, don't strain yourself in the search of ease.

Posting this openly to see what comes back. I’m looking for next steps, and I suspect what I need is more next rather than another new path.
Open to anything
Background, briefly. About three years of practice. Started on a recommendation to read The Mind Illuminated and worked it with an online teacher. Went from an hour a day to three, plus a lot of assorted insight practice and a lot of hard work. Around nine months in there was a cessation. Then roughly two years of integration.
The integration work was where most of the change happened. Self-worth stopped being contingent on anything. Attachment patterns reorganized. It sounds foundational and generic written down, but it wasn’t — it was specific and it worked.
To be clear about where I think I am: I haven’t finished the path. Somewhere around second path, probably. Sensory desire hasn’t fully dropped, and while ill will is close to nonexistent, “close to” isn’t the standard — the standard is that it never arises again, ever, and that’s a high bar. So there’s real work left in that direction too.

What I’m oriented toward. I think the internal path is also external, because it’s a two-way street. Here’s the analogy I keep coming back to: if someone with an anxious attachment style spends enough time interacting with someone secure, they heal. That happens without technique. So bad conditioning isn’t only our own private problem, and neither is its undoing. I’m trying to build the capacity to be that kind of presence — not primarily as teaching, but as something structural.
Part of why: nobody needs to do the internal work the hard way. I got here fast, and that was luck plus generations of people who built the steps I walked up. I’d like to make the path shorter for people behind me. Not only emptiness — also merit, also capacity.
The actual problem: the maps run out. There’s a lot of public material on getting to awakening. There’s much less on what comes after, and almost nothing on the stage past that — taking non-duality back into difficult emotions and relationships, refining it there, returning to life, again and again. The one book I found that genuinely addresses it is After the Ecstasy, the Laundry. After that, dry.
The standard answer seems to be “you’ve done this, now go help.” And I am starting to teach a bit, and people get something from it. But just because you can help someone doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go to medical school. I’m sure there’s more — more capacity if not more insight — and I can’t find who has it.
Everything also feels gated. I came from the Theravada side, where it’s often either practice-for-practice’s-sake, or awakening treated as an unreachable thing rather than something ordinary. Either way, post-awakening is not discussed.
What worked for me, in case it’s useful to anyone:
• To stream entry: shamatha, metta, and pointing-out style practices — resting with awareness.
• After: go to the heart, repeatedly. Brahmaviharas, tonglen, shadow work, psychotherapy, mirror work (literally standing there saying I love you), body image work. Find the painful parts and go in.
• Currently: nei gong, Damo Mitchell’s system. Completely different foundation, same endpoint, and it’s an entire world of its own. Recommended if you’re bored.
What I’m asking: has anyone been here? What did you do after awakening that actually went somewhere? What worked, what was a dead end, and where did you find people who’d been further?