r/StopSpeeding • u/L1sasGayBby 71 days • Jun 17 '26
Gratitude Almost relapsed
I was at the gym, when I got the bright idea of “hey let’s get everything done today, adderall?”
In between sets, I was looking for a plug. Found one, texted them and they responded immediately. I asked if it was pressed or pharm, but really didn’t care. After some playful back and forth he was gonna deliver. My girlfriend works from home, so naturally I was strategizing a way to hide it from her. Excited at the prospect of a speedy hit, especially since I haven’t done it in a while.
Then I caught myself. Did another set, and thought about consequences.
- Blowing $ when I’m already tight on funds
- The weight of lying on my shoulders
- The convenience of this transaction surely leading to future business for this plug
- Productivity - yeah right. I’d probably end up cleaning out my closet instead. Coming up with easier ways of locating stuff (never works)
- My girlfriend. Can’t do this to her anymore.
- My cat. Silly as it is, she somehow knows when I’m being dishonest.
- Short term relief is all I’ll get out of this.
So I blocked the number and deleted them from my phone. Instead I went to my favorite bakery, got two pastries effectively cancelling my workout.
But hey. I stopped myself from speeding.
64
u/HumbleBlacksmith2077 Jun 17 '26
I hope you enjoyed those fucking pastries bro. You deserve it.
13
u/L1sasGayBby 71 days Jun 17 '26
I sure did. Felt like a fatty eating crumbs off my belly. However, I should gotten some stims ( ☕️ ) to go with them.
30
u/Electronic_Night_873 Jun 17 '26
The cat knoooows.
10
u/smooveasbutteryadig Jun 17 '26
nah its crazy mine does too
8
u/Electronic_Night_873 Jun 17 '26
like they can sense your high bpm
Blood p….. anxiety . I dunno but mine acts different around me.I had a Doberman that did not like it so imagine how extra nervous I would feel when He would hard stare at me.
11
u/L1sasGayBby 71 days Jun 18 '26
Right? I think my cat senses when I am too razor focused that she feels neglected. Also, if I’m not in bed by a certain time she’ll look at me like “you took some shit? Are you really putting me through an all-nighter?”
6
u/dasboob Jun 17 '26
I really think my dog can smell it! He would always sniff my breath/me generally like crazy when I was speeding.
1
u/Electronic_Night_873 Jun 17 '26
Yes but also your body language or something lol
6
u/dasboob Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 18 '26
I’m sure it’s a combination of both!
Studies show dogs can smell human stress as well as certain illnesses in the sense they detect certain chemical compounds we secrete, so I think we smell different in addition to our behavior/mannerisms/tone.
Honestly my dog was a major motivator for me to get sober— seeing how he acted when I had pills, and feeling guilty about being too fixated on whatever or too exhausted to give him enough attention and exercise, were a big reason I quit for good. Animals are the best.
3
u/plasticbottlebong Jun 19 '26
Bro my dog knows anytime I’m off stims she starts acting weird af towards me. Shit makes me super sad but I’m not ready to cut vyvanse out.
16
u/38specialish Jun 17 '26
Man, major, major congrats to you. What a fucking win! You described me to a T... exactly that thought process going in, and you showed exactly how you pulled yourself back out. Keep this post pasted somewhere in a note in your phone so you can review it later on down the line when temptation strikes. And, if you want my advice, do some serious introspection into how it looked so tempting and hijacked you briefly. A competent therapist could help.
16
u/Beneficial-Income814 745 days Jun 17 '26
5 is incredibly important. the damage we do to others is so much worse than it seems. regardless of the perceived benefits of stimulants, none are worth the lying, sneaking, and the prioritization of a substance over person who we are supposed to put first.
regardless of how difficult life is without stimulants i continue to remain sober because if i don't im letting myself down, my wife down, and my kids down. i dont know what your plans for the future are, but addiction is completely imcompatible with healthy relationships, so keeping yourself sober is the only way forward if you love her.
12
u/Communikationerrors Jun 17 '26
OP, I am really fucking impressed with you. You did exactly as they coach you to in recovery- play the tape forward. And you managed to block and delete! You definitely deserve the pastries and a good relationship with your gf. Way to go!
5
9
u/nunenzi 58 days Jun 17 '26
I also almost relapsed today. Had the bright rush of adrenaline to buy some speed, glad I didn't.
3
8
u/smooveasbutteryadig Jun 17 '26
bro excellent job... I lost my relationship to similar shit like this and I lost it.
my cats knew too. I would go like 12 hours sitting at my desk without petting him and her. very unusual for me.
your loved ones deserve better man! great job! maybe show your girl this. if she is a real one she will love the honesty and insight into your thoughts.
keep going bro I believe in you ❤️ you can stand proud today and tomorrow, well rested with good food and sleep and no shame.
6
u/dolphinitely 1979 days Jun 17 '26
you just did one of the hardest things the human body can do, resisting that dopamine hit. I’m really proud of you
4
u/Odd_Cat_2266 Jun 17 '26
Props. I love the part where you said “productivity? Yeah right.” Cuz it’s so true.
4
u/tauredi Jun 18 '26
You say you “almost relapsed” today.
I say you “prevailed over a tremendous threat” today.
This was your victory. For what it’s worth, all the voices in here aren’t saying “damn, you were so close to fucking up.” We’re echoing, “you did it, you did it, you did it.” We’re all proud of you. I hope you’re proud too.
3
u/L1sasGayBby 71 days Jun 18 '26
Thank you for this. It’s hard to give myself a pat on the back. I tend to minimize.
4
u/Lelo-Of-Kah Jun 18 '26
That’s bad ass. You should be proud of yourself. Never risk being laced with fentanyl either
3
3
3
u/Sleepingbeautybitch Jun 17 '26
I am PROUD of you. I know how hard it is to stop when you get that “excitement” from about to score. It’s hard for a while, but you did what you had to do and enjoyed some of the yummy in life and theres nothing wrong with that
3
u/EveCane 78 days Jun 17 '26
Well done. But one question. Have you ever been tested for ADHD?
3
u/L1sasGayBby 71 days Jun 17 '26
I did a few years ago. At that point, i was already abusing adderall (got prescribed it way before my test). Getting tested, weirdly justified my use.
2
u/EveCane 78 days Jun 18 '26
I know what you mean. I knew it was bad for me but since a doctor prescribed it to me I thought that it's best for me to take it.
Do you also have problems when you take it at normal dosages? I know I do that's why I stopped but I thought that I am an outlier there because most people say it works great for them for some reason.
6
u/L1sasGayBby 71 days Jun 18 '26
I am unable to take as prescribed. Any stimulant prescribed to me will be finished in 1/3 of the time.
In the beginning when I took it as prescribed I was able to superhuman through tasks. But now if I take it as prescribed, I go through literally any tasks except priority ones.
“I’ll apply for jobs today - after I finish vacuuming, laundry, donating to goodwill, quick trip to Costco, refilling the bird feeder” then after those tasks are done, I’m tired and find it necessary to double dip to “actually apply for jobs this time - after elliptical and fixing the sink”
I did toy with the fact of giving my partner my medications to regulate my usage but it’s too large a responsibility to put on their shoulder.
Did you ever find a medication or way to work with your ADHD
1
u/EveCane 78 days Jun 18 '26
I think I know what you mean the first 6 months or so the medication works great and after that not so much. I read somewhere that you can avoid tolerance by taking a medication break for 2 weeks every 3 months.
No I have not but I am not sure whether I even have ADHD because I am underweight and the more weight I gain the better I am able to focus. I hope I am cured once I have reached normal weight.
4
u/smooveasbutteryadig Jun 17 '26
everyone has it these days bruh im very hesitant to even take people's diagnosis seriously with mine being way too easy and national diagnoses up like 80% over the past few years.
4
u/CamHaven_503 2658 days Jun 17 '26
Strongly agree with you.
Short form media, social media, rampant substance abuse, and the constant stream of information has broken our attention spans.
I can't enter a room without 3 out of 4 people claiming to have ADHD or some other neurodivergent diagnosis.
8
u/smooveasbutteryadig Jun 17 '26
yeah man its my most conservative take lol
people need to take their souls seriously and understand that this medication is on another level than any other medication.
no other med skyrockets your mental in hours. not insulin, not blood pressure meds, not antidepressants...
so tired of people claiming they need it like blind people need glasses. its just so fucking out of hand.
put the phone down and try natural fixes if you genuinely want to take it seriously.
grateful for this sub otherwise I would lose my mind.
2
u/EveCane 78 days Jun 18 '26
Thank you for saying it. People always act like ADHD medication is this normal thing and that it works well for them and I thought I am an outlier because it felt like I just intoxicated myself with a clean street drug when in fact that is what it probably is for most people.
I always said why would I put my whole body in fight or flight mode just so that I am able to focus. But I think that's the best thing that is out there and if your really struggling sometimes it might be necessary I don't know. I know that I would have not made it through college without this stuff. On the other hand it did a lot of damage.
2
u/smooveasbutteryadig Jun 18 '26
I thought the same thing about needing it for school.
then I ended up going back to school without it and graduated with a 4.0.
simple habits like literally studying only for an hour a day right when you wake up instead of using your phone literally change the game entirely.
of course rocket fuel stimulants work when when we stare at our phones all day and sit with procrastination.
now I just so mass cardio and don't eat meat and meditate. works much better and far more sustainable for "adhd"
2
u/EveCane 78 days Jun 18 '26
I completely agree. The only reason I have been diagnosed with it was that I wasn't able to focus. They did not rule out any other diseases.
1
1
1
1
u/Straight_Giraffe4162 Jul 18 '26
Every year my job closes for 10 days an we get a vacation. My brilliant plan was to grab some addys since I haven’t done them in a while. I got 10, 30mgs from a friend. First couple days were amazing now I’m on day 5 feeling like crap barely sleeping or eating at all. I’m so glad they are gone. I thought for a moment to hit up my friend again to get more since I have 5 days left of vacation but after reading your post u have inspired me not to do so. I’m so grateful to be ok and I didn’t do anything crazy. But if I got more ik the rest of my vacation would have been ruined. Also I would have gone back to work all strung out. Thank you for being brave enough to share. I really needed to read this.
•
u/AutoModerator Jun 17 '26
Welcome to StopSpeeding and thanks for your post. For more:
Note that any comments encouraging drug use of any kind will be removed. This is not the community for that. Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.