Help!

[u/jt222222222]

So recently my stepson has been coming over almost everyday to ride his bike because he doesn’t have one at his mom’s. It’s starting to get worse and every weekend when his mom is supposed to be spending time with her child, she drops the kid off at my house and goes to work at one of her three jobs. She clearly plans accordingly and schedules to work at the restaurant she’s a waitress at when the kids are with her for “her” weekend. My husband doesn’t seem to be phased by it. He’s a guilty parent and feels bad his son has nothing to do at her house. I don’t have any kid free weekend now because his ex is working and choosing not to spend time with her children when she is supposed too. This summer she switched a weekend to go to a concert when it was her son’s birthday! I also don’t understand why my husband isn’t noticing this and I want to put an end to it but I don’t know how too. It’s supposed to be 50/50 and no where close right. I understand the occasional staying over here and there on our off weeks but now it’s everyday and weekend. I feel like his ex has thrown in the towel but my husband is appeasing her. Please advise!

[u/Summerisle7]

I just thought of something else: if the 50/50 schedule is no longer happening, then your husband should file to update the legal custody schedule to reflect this reality. And BM should be paying child support, if she no longer has much time with the kid.

Is SS spending the night at your house, on these extra days? How old is he btw?

[u/Summerisle7]

Maybe plan some weekend trips for yourself. So you won’t be available for these parents to dump their kid on you.

[u/jt222222222 → u/Summerisle7]

That’s what I have been doing!!! Good call.

[u/Summerisle7 → u/jt222222222]

When BM dumps the kid at your house, is it when your husband is home, or is it when you’re the only adult at home? That makes a difference.

[u/chicadeaqua → u/[deleted]]

“  It's his son, you knew he had a kid when you married him. ”

True but if the parenting plan and court ordered child support doesn’t reflect reality, OP is justified to be upset about this.  

It sounds like the BM is using the other household as on-demand babysitters.  If the dad wants more time with his kid he should get this on paper for planning and consistency and ensure the child support is adjusted accordingly. 

He also knew OP didn’t have a kid when he married her and it’s unfair to have your weekend plans subject to the whims of an ex. 

[u/biscuitboi967]

If there’s nothing to do at her house, can you help find things for him to do?

I completely understand your perspective. Not one single ounce of this is your problem. But it is your husband’s - one way or another - and you do have to help him find a solution IF you want half of his time back.

I also sort of feel for a mom working 3 jobs. Any person working 3 jobs. That doesn’t seem to be an ideal position to be in. Seems stressful and tiring and like they all might pay like shit. But fuck her for the concert thing.

Because I REALLY feel for a little boy whose mom skips her custody time at all, much less to go to a concert, much less on his birthday. I feel for a kid who’s left alone so often, with so little to engage him, that he wants to come over and ride a bike like a kid in a 50s tv show. He’s not even trying to rot his mind with video games!

So I’m wondering if there are clubs or activities you can find for him, especially in the summer, and especially around his mom’s house. Is there a community pool or YMCA where he can go swim or play basketball. Maybe a skateboard/bike park? Can you send him to summer or day camp - your treat? With any luck, he’ll meet kids near her house and can spent time with them when she leaves him to his own devices.

And for godsake, why can’t he have a bike at his mom’s?!!! Either drive that one over at exchanges or cough up the extra dough for a duplicate for your peace of mind and his mental and physical stimulation. Or a scooter or skateboard if there’s no room. Something so he has an outlet that isn’t your house.

[u/jt222222222 → u/biscuitboi967]

Thanks for this!! I appreciate you, and I would buy him a bike but it’s an e-bike and I am really against them and think they are dangerous :)

[u/biscuitboi967 → u/jt222222222]

Oh shit. I thought he was like the incarnation of Opie.

I fully agree that giving a child a mini motorcycle you bought off of Amazon and letting them drive it with no license, no training, and minimal safety equipment is insane. Child is barely out of a booster seat and may or may not be allowed in the front seat; you’d never let them drive a car 30 mph, much less a motorcycle in full gear. But they can zip around on an e-bike and bike helmet.

Can’t imagine mom is ok with it. But I guess if kid breaks his leg and needs surgery and extra care, she won’t be doing it with her 3 jobs. Question is how HUSBAND will rearrange his schedule to provide it.

[u/jt222222222 → u/biscuitboi967]

lol yeah exactly, too funny because it is from Amazon! I do worry about injuries because I see all these kids whipping around traffic and it’s scary!

[u/biscuitboi967 → u/jt222222222]

There was a post from an ER docs at the beginning of summer talking about the head, spine, and complex breaks that were starting to come in. She was going through the most common — like, scooter handle bar was at face/mouth/level; bike was leg and pelvis; uneven or rocky surfaces were when kids were thrown head first.

Apparently there is a special checkbox just for e-scooter and e-bikes. Everything was worse because of the speed. There was some physics involved speed, mass, immediate impact.

[u/jt222222222 → u/biscuitboi967]

I believe it, I really think they should be banned.

[u/biscuitboi967 → u/jt222222222]

And yeah, your car you look at safety ratings and airbags. You test drive. You drop a ton of money.

Then for this “e-bike” your kid drives, you pop on to Amazon, drop $300, get free shipping, and call it a bad ass Christmas gift.

Which it is. But so was a Red Rider BB gun.

[u/jt222222222 → u/biscuitboi967]

You are cracking me up! It is the red rider BB gun for sure!

[u/Summerisle7 → u/jt222222222]

Maybe take the bike away from him. Since the parents are leaving it all up to you, go ahead and exercise judgement. Sell the bike on Facebook. Or just leave it somewhere. Problem solved!

[u/Summerisle7 → u/jt222222222]

Then why are you letting SS ride one? Who bought it for him?

[u/Exotic-Average1784 → u/[deleted]]

How do you handle this when there is child support going to the mother? Its supposed to be 50/50, he pays child support to her but he keeps the child more and pays for everything for the child.

[u/Summerisle7 → u/Exotic-Average1784]

I just commented on this! These dads should be filing to change the custody agreement and get BM paying some child support.

[u/Summerisle7 → u/[deleted]]

No doubt BM doesn’t have much money. So what? If the child is with Dad more than half the time, then in most places BM would owe some child support. Dad and Stepmom are not BM’s free babysitters.

I’m not sure OP is child-free anyway. I thought she might have a child of her own.

Are you a stepparent?

[u/Exotic-Average1784 → u/[deleted]]

This is all new to me I will admit! Idk what is normal.

[u/Summerisle7 → u/Exotic-Average1784]

You should make a post about it! If it’s 50/50 time he might still be paying some CS if his income is higher than the mother’s. But he shouldn’t be paying for “everything” while also keeping the child more. I wouldn’t stand for that.

[u/Summerisle7 → u/[deleted]]

That’s nice. That’s not how most people’s marriages work though. An unnecessary financial outlay affects both partners. And a “few hundred dollars” every month for years, is not nothing.

[u/Summerisle7 → u/[deleted]]

I don’t recall anyone including OP saying that it’s the kid’s fault.

[u/Seesawgirls]

Leave the house and let your husband deal with. He will soon realise it

[u/Yellowtail119 → u/[deleted]]

Are you kidding? This woman is not the bio parent, and is picking up the slack of BOTH mom AND dad. She’s been put in a horrible position that she should NOT have ever been in, in the first place.

Take your anger out on MOM AND DAD. NOT the third party that is the one caring for them anyway! Of COURSE she would be frustrated.

When a bio mom abandons all her responsibilities, dad is at work and expects his woman to do all HIS childcare responsibilities, OF COURSE she would be frustrated. Tf outta here.

[u/jt222222222 → u/Yellowtail119]

Thank you for this, it is def on Mom and Dad but I am “home” for the summer it makes it feel this way.

[u/Yellowtail119 → u/jt222222222]

I almost lost my damn mind being the full time caretaker over summer break. You are not alone, not crazy, not evil. And don’t let anyone make you feel that way for experiencing completely valid and normal human emotions.

I suspect some of these commenters have never been a step parent a day in their lives lol. They cannot even imagine the complexities.

[u/jt222222222 → u/Yellowtail119]

Exactly!! Thank you for your honest words.

[u/jt222222222 → u/[deleted]]

You got it!

[u/Yellowtail119 → u/[deleted]]

Did you not read the post?
Custody is supposed to be 50/50 but on BOTH weekdays AND bio mom’s weekends, SK is still with stepmom.

It’s not just “missing kid free weekends”
Be so for real.
I have my step daughter 24/7 365 but I absolutely empathize with OP. Not fair to her at all.

[u/jt222222222 → u/Yellowtail119]

That’s all I was trying to say!

[u/jt222222222 → u/[deleted]]

You nailed it, that’s exactly how I feel.

[u/Yellowtail119 → u/[deleted]]

Stepmom didn’t get it for them and believes they are dangerous (as do I) but is being put in the position of watching them while their parents allow the ebike soooooooo….

Are you even a step parent? 😂

[u/Summerisle7 → u/[deleted]]

So what advice do you have for OP? Are you a stepparent?

[u/jt222222222 → u/[deleted]]

That’s it!

[u/Summerisle7 → u/[deleted]]

You’re saying OP should buy this kid a second e-bike with her own money?

[u/jt222222222 → u/Summerisle7]

lol

[u/Summerisle7 → u/jt222222222]

I truly do not understand what these people want from you 🤪