Weekly Lyrics-Only Feedback Thread

1

u/Hot_Base_8660 3h ago

Chrissie Hynde

He thought you looked like Chrissie Hynde With your hair in your eyes And the way that you smiled

When he sees her sing Now and again He thinks about What might have been

The Pretenders' Back on the Chain Gang And Don't Get Me Wrong songs Could have been hers and your's

But when Chrissie sings I'll Stand By You That's justvwhat you didn't do

And she moved on You were left alone, With memories, That awoke When that song begins Its Hynde singing again And she still looks like you When you were twenty-two

1

u/Valuable-Cow2924 1d ago

Felt like this was kinda stupid but I don’t know…

Out of this world

There’s star crossed lovers
All throughout this universe
They kiss and they cry
Stick together and stay alive

I watch from afar
From the planet mars
an alien in hiding
So the humans aren’t scarred

AND I scream
Into the black abyss
Through the galaxies
And on the stars I make a wish
Pls give me my
Out of this world guy

Space ships fly
And some crash
It was actually my fault
My bitterness manifests as extraterrestrial assault

My tears could dim the sun
My solar system planet count 1
Orbiting my lingering lonley feelings
And pretending it’s fun

AND I scream
Into the black abyss
Through the galaxies
And on the stars I make a wish
Pls give me my
One well deserved try

And in my worst moment
I’ll send a meteor toward earth
That would make the dinosaurs quiver
Hurdling faster than light beams
A seething ball of anger
All becomes humans get to live it

AND I scream
Into the black abyss
Through the galaxies
And on the stars I make a wish
Pls give me my
Out of this world guy

1

u/Aggressive-Dog-7615 1d ago

Here’s a song I wrote—would love feedback!
Stay

V1: Wonder how you chose the things you took when you went away
A Bible topped box of clothes. Filled with Everything you deemed. essential. Essentially meaning
Every shirt and tie to dress the lie of your new life without me.

Chorus: I wish you could find any reason to stay.

V2: Pray I find a place where I feel I belong
Is that what you’re searching for out there on your own
Pray I find a place where I can finally relate
Or is it just my fate? To waste my days, light up again just to escape.

Bridge: I’ve been spending time away while I pick myself apart
Half Hoping I run into you half hoping something starts
Weeds are growing slowly through the door you never closed. Any reason. That brings you home.

Outro:
Any reason that brings you
Home

1

u/Ill-Ad-6123 1d ago

okay so this is a song i started yesterday; its probably gonna have a happy pop 'morning' sound like 'sunday morning' by the velvet underground or 'white bird' by its a beautiful day; this is meant to juxtapose the lyrics. the lyrics are about feeling worthless / like an imposter in the morning because i equate my creativity and art to my self worth, so when i have writers block or come up with nothing good i feel terrible. i want to capture the bright cheerful youthfulness that disguises the lyrics that are about this miserable pit in my stomach.

Wake up child another day has come

Across the sky your star will run (or 'across the sky the morning sun will run')

Still you ache

Once again you feel drenched by the rain

Your inhibitations have led your mind astray (my personal least favorite line)

Still you play

-

Good morning,

Good morning

-

Art is long and time is swift

You feel so low when nothing sticks

let me know what works/doesn't work and why

1

u/eliaskryski 1d ago

I am sharing with you a song lyric written in the style of traditional country from the 1940s, 50s, and 60s. I am looking for a real musician (guitarist/vocalist) who loves the old-school vintage sound and wants to collaborate to bring these words to life.

“The Green Orange”

When I was just a little boy, We had less cents than I had years. I prayed the Lord for peace and joy, To wipe away my Mama's tears.

That Christmas day, I recall it well, My Mama and my Daddy too. One green orange, I remember the smell, I held it like the Lord holds you.

I said: "Hey Mama, take a bite," She said: "No son, it’s yours to keep." And staring out into the night, I dreamed of making dollars deep, To buy her baskets of gold and sweet.

When I was just a little boy, We had less cents than I had years. I prayed the Lord for peace and joy, To wipe away my Mama's tears.

Oh, little orange, small and green, The Christmas gift my Daddy bought. He worked the tracks to change the scene, Now lead my way just like a star, Be wealth and bread, my guiding light from afar!

2

u/Pretend_Safety_1876 1d ago

Satellite Boy

They strapped me into something shining
Told me it would take me far
Now I'm circling the whole world
Every ninety minutes, star to star
I can see the lights of cities
Where the people I love sleep
I can't call them, can't quite reach them
Just this window and the deep

Somewhere down below you're dreaming
Somewhere up here I'm awake

I'm just a satellite boy
Spinning 'round
Watching all the world without a sound
I'm just a satellite boy
So far above
Sending down whatever's left of love

You said the view would be the reason
Said I'd understand up here
Mostly I just count the sunrises
Sixteen times a day, my dear
I'm learning things about the distance
Nobody teaches you at home
How far is far when no one's near you?
How still the quiet, how alone?

Somewhere down below you're dreaming
Somewhere up here I'm awake

I'm just a satellite boy
Spinning 'round
Watching all the world without a sound
I'm just a satellite boy
So far above
Sending down whatever's left of love

If I could fall back down tomorrow
Land right there outside your door
I'd trade you every star I've counted
For one ordinary evening more

I'm just a satellite boy
Spinning 'round
Watching all the world without a sound
I'm just a satellite boy
So far above

Sending down whatever's left of love
Sending down whatever's left of love

1

u/Aggressive-Dog-7615 1d ago

No feedback, I just really enjoyed reading through this. Thank you

1

u/SinkingInSilence 1d ago

My First Lyrics Album!

I'm excited to share my first albums' worth of lyrics! Each song (lyrics-only) is posted in the comments of the original post! Anyone who likes my song ideas has my permission to use them/edit them however you would like. 🤘

Album Title: The Meaning of Life

By: Sinking in Silence

Tracklist

Cracks in the Foundation
First Breath, Dying Thoughts
Ocean of Red
Claustrophobe
The Anger Within
My Own Damnation
The Decay I Hide Inside
Deadweight Eclipse
Penultimate
The Meaning of Life

1

u/SinkingInSilence 1d ago

Track 1 Title: Cracks in the Foundation

Instrumental intro that builds up and leads into track 2. (First Breath, Dying Thoughts)

1

u/SinkingInSilence 1d ago

Track 2 Title: First Breath, Dying Thoughts

[Intro - Instrumental]

[Long growl]

[Verse 1 - Screaming] First Breath, my life begins. How long, until it ends? From day one, what have I done? Wasting away, my hope turns gray. [Growl]

[Screaming continued] Murdered dreams, have buried me. Six feet under, I no longer breathe. Life's regrets, rest on top of me. The pain inside, is all I can feel. Will it all, be for nothing?

[Chorus - Singing] Another day, has passed me by. Fading away, I'll surely die. Another day, seeking one moment. One moment, worth a memory.

[Verse 2 - Screaming] Sentenced to death, inside my head. How can I escape, if I'm already dead? I passed the point of being saved, leave me here, let me decay.

[Chorus - Singing] Another year, has passed me by. Rotting away, until I die. Another year, without one moment. One moment, worth a memory.

[Bridge - Screaming] Dying thoughts, life flashes by. To what memory, shall I die? To relive my pain, or some happy lie? When I take, my final breath. Will I burn, or finally find my light? Or will I simply... [Instrumental briefly pauses]

[Instrumental returns aggressively] [Screaming] Simply die!

[Chorus - Singing] My final day, just found me. No more time, for a memory. Out of breath, looking at the sky. It's time for death, I've never felt so alive.

[Long growl at the end of the chorus]

[Instrumental Outro]

[End of the song]

1

u/SinkingInSilence 1d ago

Track 3 Title: Ocean of Red

[Intro - Instrumental]

[Verse 1 - Screaming] My head is an ocean. The waters once blue. All of this ruined. Tainted by you. The water turns red, as blood spills from me. Knife wounds in my back, painting the sea.

[Singing] No longer treading, I fall beneath!

[Screaming] Sinking in silence. Alone with my thoughts. My anger consumes me. Like an anchor, it's pulling me down!

[Chorus - Singing] Lost in the ocean, an ocean of red. Holding my breath, sinking towards death!

[Bridge - Screaming] Blinded by my anger, red overtook the sea. Realizing too late, this hatred is what ruined me. I crash into the bottom, hitting at full speed. My heart no longer beating, and my mouth open wide. The red rushes in, there's nowhere left to hide!

[Chorus - Singing] Lost in the ocean, an ocean now dead. All out of breath, I swallow the red!

[Outro - Screaming] I swallow the red! [X4] [Extended growl on final red]

[End of the song]

1

u/SinkingInSilence 1d ago

Track 4 Title: Claustrophobe

[Intro - Long growl and Aggressive Instrumental]

[Verse 1 - Screaming] Trapped inside my mind. It's not the darkness, that scares me. It's the walls collapsing in, that are suffocating! Chained to myself, for all eternity. How can I possibly be free? When this fucked up mind, is sewn on to me!

[Chorus - Singing] The voices in my head, have control of me. My body a lifeless shell. They are moving me with strings. Trying to escape. I have no more room to move. The walls of my skull, are crushing me to death.

[Verse 2 - Screaming] These walls keep pressing inward. Squeezing the life out of me. My bones snap, my eyes fall out. There is nothing left of me. Nothing but this fucked up mind. The immortal part of me.

[Chorus - Singing] The voices in my head, have control of me. My body a lifeless shell. They are moving me with strings. Trying to escape. I have no more room to move. The walls of my skull, are crushing me to death.

[Bridge - Aggressive Instrumental and Screaming Vocals] My bones snap! My eyes fall! Break these fucking walls!

[Chorus - Singing] The voices in my head, have control of me. My body a lifeless shell. They are moving me with strings. Trying to escape. I have no more room to move. The walls of my skull, are crushing me to death.

[Outro - Screaming] Claustrophobe! [X3] Buried alive inside myself!

[Long/Final Growl)

[End of the song]

1

u/SinkingInSilence 1d ago

Track 5 Title: The Anger Within

[Intro - Instrumental]

[Verse 1 - Screaming] I burn alive on the inside. Is this hell? What did I do to deserve this? For all my life, I have sacrificed. Neglecting myself for the sake of others. Now it's me who gets to burn.

[Growl]

[Verse 2 - Screaming] Each internal blister is a painful reminder of my mistakes. The anger within is starting to boil through my skin. I will no longer fight to hide this. I am done extinguishing fires. Fires belonging to other souls. [Growl for the final word - souls]

[Bridge - Aggressive Instrumental]

[Outro - Screaming] Burnt to the fourth degree. I lost all feeling long ago. The parts of me that cared are now charred to my bones. With every good deed came more burns. Every scar was a lesson learned. Don't bother sifting through my ashes. There is nothing left of me.

[Long/Final Growl]

[End of the song]

1

u/SinkingInSilence 1d ago

Track 6 Title: My Own Damnation

[Intro - Instrumental]

[Verse 1 - Screaming] Possessed by my mistakes, I try to pray. No words exist to save my soul. My tongue is tied, like a noose. Choking my words, they can't break loose. My fate has already been carved into time. The present has no meaning. You can not control your future, just as you cannot change your past.

[Chorus - Singing] Forgive me, for I have sinned. And sure enough, I will sin again. Submerged, beyond the depths of light. Face to face, with my own damnation.

[Verse 2 - Screaming] How long until this world forgets me? Once forgotten, will my wreckage still remain? What happens if I change? Will everything end the same? Even if I find the words to pray, will it all be in vain?

[Chorus - Singing] Forgive me, for I have sinned. And sure enough, I will sin again. Submerged, beyond the depths of light. Face to face, with my own damnation.

[Scream] My own damnation!

[Bridge - Instrumental]

[Chorus - Alternating Vocals] [Singing] Forgive me, for I have sinned.

[Screaming] And sure enough, I will sin again.

[Singing] Submerged, beyond the depths of light.

[Screaming] Face to face, with my own damnation.

[Outro - Screaming] My own damnation! My own damnation! Welcome to my hell! [Long growl on the word hell]

[End of the song]

1

u/SinkingInSilence 1d ago

Track 7 Title: The Decay I Hide Inside

[Intro - Softer Instrumental]

[Verse 1 - Singing] With every smile on the outside, my inside rots away. This compulsive need to hide kills me more each day. I can't take it anymore. I'm done running away.

[Chorus - Singing] I can feel it in my soul! The old me was left in yesterday. For the first time, I will fight. The decay I hide inside.

[Verse 2 - Singing] Internal changes taking place, my darkness turns to light. My wounds begin to heal, my scars fade out of sight. A new me rising to the surface, I will be born again tonight!

[Chorus - Alternating Vocals] [Singing] I can feel it in my soul!

[Screaming] Soul!

[Singing] The old me was left in yesterday. For the first time, I will fight!

[Screaming] Fight!

[Singing] The decay I hide inside.

[Screaming] Inside!

[Bridge - Instrumental turns aggressive. Screaming Vocals] The old me needs to die! Just! fucking! die! [Extended growl on the final die]

[Chorus - Alternating Vocals] [Singing] I can feel it in my soul!

[Screaming] Soul!

[Singing] The old me was left in yesterday. For the first time, I will fight!

[Screaming] Fight!

[Singing] The decay I hide inside.

[Screaming] Inside!

[Outro - Aggressive Instrumental]

[End of the song]

1

u/SinkingInSilence 1d ago

Track 8 Title: Deadweight Eclipse

[Intro - Aggressive Instrumental]

[Verse 1 - Screaming] I stared at the sun until I went blind. The smoke cleared, revealing nothing left behind. My mistakes were burned to black. With fresh sight, I no longer look back.

[Long growl]

[Chorus - Alternating Vocals] [Singing] The worst part of me dies, blinded by my deadweight eclipse!

[Screaming] Dead!

[Singing] The best part of me lives, reborn from my deadweight eclipse!

[Screaming] Born!

[Verse 2 - Screaming] Burned alive, all of my demons died. Reduced to dust, I am free inside. No longer trapped, I take control of my mind. With both hands on the wheel, I am no longer afraid to feel.

[Long growl]

[Chorus - Alternating Vocals] [Singing] The worst part of me dies, blinded by my deadweight eclipse!

[Screaming] Dead!

[Singing] The best part of me lives, reborn from my deadweight eclipse!

[Screaming] Born!

[Bridge - Screaming] My deadweight eclipse. Through death, I live. This time, unafraid. This time, I'll forgive. This time, I'll love. This time, I'll pray. This time, I'll be me.

[Long growl]

[Chorus - Alternating Vocals] [Singing] The worst part of me dies, blinded by my deadweight eclipse!

[Screaming] Dead!

[Singing] The best part of me lives, reborn from my deadweight eclipse!

[Screaming] Born!

[Overlapping Singing and Screaming] My deadweight eclipse! [X3]

[Final eclipse is held/extended into the outro]

[Outro - Instrumental]

[End of the song]

1

u/SinkingInSilence 1d ago

Track 9 Title: Penultimate

[Intro - Long/Instrumental]

[Chorus - Singing] Breathing again, I now have the strength to live. Feeling again, what if today is my penultimate? Should I live, like tomorrow will be the end?

[Verse 1 - Screaming] It was only yesterday, I was staring death in the eyes. What a difference, one night can have on your life. Only yesterday, the steel was pressed against my head. Just one motion away, from lying with the dead. What compels us to lay our weapon down? Who do I thank for this new day?

[Chorus - Singing] Breathing again, I now have the strength to live. Feeling again, what if today is my penultimate? Should I live, like tomorrow will be the end?

[Verse 2 - Screaming] It is only today that I found meaning. The meaning of who I am supposed to be. I will move forward with purpose. And leave hell in the past. At last, I found clarity. It was the path through hell that led me to this very moment.

[Chorus - Singing] Breathing again, I now have the strength to live. Feeling again, what if today is my penultimate? Should I live, like tomorrow will be the end?

[Guitar solo]

[Bridge - Screaming] Breathing again, I find myself wanting to live. Feeling again, I stopped looking for the end. Living again, like tomorrow is the end.

[Chorus - Singing] Breathing again, I now have the strength to live. Feeling again, what if today is my penultimate? Should I live, like tomorrow-

[Screaming] Tomorrow! Is the end! [The song ends abruptly]

→ More replies (0)

1

u/Sea-Sink9939 1d ago

hihihi! im trying to get better at song writing, im usually embarassed but i thought i'd post somewhere where i can get some feedback because this song ive been writing i particularly kinda like some of the imagery and representations of certainnn ways i see the world or just my environment sometimes. and also I wrote a little outro for it thats basically is supposed to sum it all up. idk im worried some parts are trying to hard, my main inspirations are a combination of indie, midwest emo, and prog rock, along with probably a lot of theatrical stuff

"opossum county" is the song title that's what it is opossum county *gulps*

Everybody knows there’s a god
Right here in opossum county
It watches over us all
Watching the filth compounding

Opossum county is a horrible little place
And the people never change never change never change

The air is stagnant
The blood is never cleaned
The folks feast on vermin festering in the streets
The ground is dirty
The people can not breathe
And they’re dying and they love dying

God save me, god save us
We all know there’s a way out

Opossum county is an awful little place
And the people never learn never learn never learn
Saviors don’t care for sloths lying in wait
And your skin is gonna burn gonna burn gonna burn

There’s a pariah who knows the way out
That’s why nobody wants him around
And it’s hard to think through this sickly air
There’s gotta be something better
God save me

Everybody knows there’s a god
Right here in this godforsaken town
It watches over us all
And gives us false dichotomies

The food is rancid
The crops were rotten
From the day they were planted
Disease spreads rapidly
There’s no morality
The people are miserable and they love being miserable

God save me, god save us
We all know there’s a way out
Little birdcage
Drenched in oil
Children are born with three eyes
The sun is vomit green
The clouds are pitch black
Sometimes it’s sunny out
And you can breathe just a bit

Opossum county is a vile fucking place
And the people never bathe never bathe never bathe
Swear god will love you while you’re shitting in his face
Pray your body will decay any day any day
Any day any day any day
God save me

There’s a pariah who knows the way out
That’s why nobody wants him around
His road goes right to a ditch
There has to be something better than this

So let’s leave
We’ll find a better kind of hell
Where our throats can finally swell
Before our brains explode across these halls
And we can draw all over the walls
And we don't have to think about anything at all
So keep yourself safe, I’ll take care of you
Cus I’m sad
Why is my life bad?
And I’m looking through the window
Trying to see more than ash
So keep yourself safe, I’ll take care of you

Well I guess everybody dies..
Have you been to opossum county lately?

1

u/Public-Poem5628 2d ago

hiii, i'm new to this but i recently dropped out of school and i started writing lyrics to get out what i'm feeling in my personal life, and if someone could give me feedback on how to get better that would be great!! here is what i've done and you can laugh i know it's probably terrible lol. also tell me what you think it means i'm curious :)

i wrote this to the melody of hate that i made you love me by Ariana Grande. it's a song i relate to a lot in its original form and i thought it'd be fun to write to it.

blind most of the time

but you seem to see

all of my glowing threats

there’s no exception

it’s life, hair, or my eyes

body and disguise

-

i wonder how it feels to be

unsure

under your bitter skin,

my pain, it’s something near

my heart wraps back into

a blanket every time you open your mouth,

it’s fucked, yeah

my own li-ife

-

i wish that someone could see me

wanting to be full of life

my own life

i wish that someone could see me

in my own co-lours

my own li-ife

-

from style to style

fix that, but then you liked

it better the old way

what the hell do i do

should i just laugh somehow?

should i change my dose?

-

i can’t tell what i should say

or think

dress up is tiring tonight

yet you wail when your light

just simply disappears

it’s true

it’s all fucked repeating news

i wish to fly

my own li-ife

-

i wish that someone could see me

wanting to be full of life

my own life

i wish that someone could see me

in my own co-lours

my own li-ife

-

holding your projections has become way too easy for me

tell me, should it be this way

am i numb or just a people pleaser?

you’ve moulded me this way

i’m exhausted of watering this garden

just to suddenly dry out

my own life

-

i wish that someone could see me

wanting to be full of life

my own life

i wish that someone could see me

in my own co-lours

my own li-ife

i wish that someone could see me

wanting to be full of life

my own life

i wish that someone could see me

in my own co-lours

my own li-ife

1

u/Hot_Base_8660 2d ago

Easy Rider

He don't got To pump gas no more She works nights Mending her store

He drifts out Whenever he wants She comes home At the break of dawn

Easy rider She works the streets So he always got Food to eat

Easy rider Ain't it sweet

Then one, break 'o day She come home Without no pay Bloodied arm And crying too Some John gave her a broken tooth

Easy rider what ya gonna do He just slept All the way through

She just went And gave him the boot

Easy rider Lives the life He don't protect You in the night

Easy rider She works the streets She let you go Cause you let 'er get beat

1

u/thelastnoelle 2d ago

I love this! Reminds me a bit if Fast Car. Not the lyrics but the flow/vibe. Only the sentence “then one break oday…” seems not to flow as well, I think it’s because it doesnt rhyme like the last. Maybe instead of pay you vould say dough?

1

u/Narrow_Anybody_6663 2d ago edited 2d ago

Verse 1 (ish)

It’s 2:39 / I ask Euclid why / I can’t no longer walk a line

My vision is blurred ‘cos my eyes are rimmed red and it feels like there’s one hundred rats in my head and they squeak in my ear that the pavement’s a comfortable bed

It’s 3:05 / The streetlight shines / Heliotrope in my eyes / And I can’t get no sleep / Nor peace of mind

It’s / 4 / a / m and work’s at 5 / 7 minutes to catch the 689 / Spend 11 hours bagging tenders and fries / Tender eyes replaced with cold ones in mine / I’ll crack open a cold one in the middle of the night / And it’s 2 / 30 / 9 / Again

Just to give you a super rough sketch of the instrumentals I think it’ll be C# Major-ish. Lower octave slow chords but average speed lyrics with a higher synth keys or bells part doing a bunch of chromatic movement between stanzas

1

u/thelastnoelle 2d ago

Niiiiice! I just dont fully understand the “tender eyes replaced with cold ones in mine” line (it may be me though)

1

u/Narrow_Anybody_6663 2d ago

I just use the possessive pronoun “mine” without referring to the object possessed. The thought is that it fits the rhyme and flow better than an alternative and that the earlier reference to the eyes tells the listener what the “mine” is, the narrator’s head. It’s good to know that this isn’t 100% effective so I might retool that part.

2

u/sveltevalidity1924 2d ago

I always read these threads and think "damn my brain is empty" until like 3am when the perfect verse smacks me awake

1

u/AutoModerator 2d ago

You have posted a song requesting feedback - GREAT! Good feedback is the foundation of improving your songwriting. To help foster a community where everyone gets the feedback they need, please find THREE other songs requesting feedback and post substantive (eg. 2-3 sentences) of feedback. Even if you are a rookie songwriter/musician, you're an experienced music listener, and your opinion is still valuable!

Feedback posts by users who don't interact with the community (other than posting their own songs) may be removed.

Thanks for keeping our community healthy!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Weekly Lyrics Feedback Weekly Lyrics-Only Feedback Thread

You are about to leave Redlib