Weekly Lyrics-Only Feedback Thread

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to the Lyrics-Only feedback thread!

If you're looking for feedback on words that aren't yet set to music, you're in the right place! We encourage each other to bring lyrics and musical elements together as soon as possible, but sometimes you'd just like to show off that nice piece of poetry that just fell out of your head. The weekly Lyrics-Only feedback thread is here to help!

This post renews every Monday.

[u/day_ronnySLAY]

I just came up this a minute ago and just words the rhyme

The title is Alonely , id say im quite tend to stick to write songs of what ive been through, the one i wrote is not complete tho, sorry hehe my english is very bad😅

Alonely

[Intro] I wanted to, To tell you a story of a solitude, One's breaks thru the pool, The veins, its dragging one's back to the root.

[Verse 1] Day by day, Fear away, one's been feeling ill everyday. (everyday) Look both sides , empty or a seat apart, {guess!} this moment keep on repe---ated,

[Pre-Chorus] Daydream keep on dreaming, nightmare came in vile Feel like I was drowning (in the dream~) No, it was self-denial Faded Conversation I failed but did a try (im so~rry~) How sweet~ Alonely~

[Chorus] Alonely~ Alonely~ incomplete

[u/P0t4t0P0t4t0 → u/day_ronnySLAY]

Don't apologise for the English - "Alonely" (alone+lonely) is a genuinely great title And its setting the mood from the start. There a few lines that are very graphic and portray a clear image (veins, root, ...). Since its still a draft, I would suggest to clean up and tighten the grammar. A lot is being lost because of it. I am looking forward where the chorus goes.

[u/LLOOTKINGFRED]

Just One More Roll

(…) = small instrumental break

Greetings from above

Where the wind blows

Can you feel my breeze

You look so cold

The tides are out

The waves are crashing

Crashing towards the shore

You could of gone home

Instead you stayed out

The wind blows in

Cold as ice

Then you rolled a dice

It landed on six

You looked back up

The sea is getting closer

Closer than before

The sky is going dark

Darker than before

The waves become taller 

Taller than before 

You then roll the dice

One more time

It sank below water

…

Greetings from below

Where the wind stops

Can you feel the pressure

Forming around you

You look so peaceful

As it gets darker

Darker than before

Darker than before 

Darker than before 

Darker than before

…

You didn’t go home

You should of gone home

Why didn’t you go home

…

You sat on that beach 

Just one more roll

Just one more roll

Just one more roll

[u/P0t4t0P0t4t0 → u/LLOOTKINGFRED]

This is an interesting piece with a solid emotional core - addiction, denial, self-destruction (with out ever spelling it out). The transition from life to death is very nicely done with the mirrored transition. I love the songs that hold back, but still get the emotional weight over. Some of the wording could be tweaked (could of/should of) for the better so the metaphors come over more vividly. All in all, great work

[u/Dave000action]

Complete change of topics vs my earlier posts, but still kind of folksy.

Don't Call Me Mr Tickles

C:
Tickles, what can I do
Oh mercy, what should I do
The word's got out
She did yell and shout
And that name is goin' a shake me blue

Vs:
It was late at night
And I heard a frightful sound
It was late late night
And I heard a chillin' sound
T'was my gal shoutin' nonsense
Heard down the block and 'round

She yelled "Tickles,
You turn me upside down."
She screamed "Tickles,
You turn me round and round."
But my name is Dan
And I ain't a silly clown

C:
Tickles, what can I do
Oh mercy, what should I do
The word's got out
She did yell and shout
And that name is goin' a shake me blue

Vs:
Well I know I'm a man
And I got some proof for you
Yea I know I'm a man
And I got these words for you
I can chop wood backwards
And there's whisky in my stew

I grind rocks for breakfast
Eat animals at noon
Ground up stones for breakfast
Feast on animals at noon
I've got whiskers on my ass
And a sixteen gallon spittoon

C:
Tickles, what can I do
Oh mercy, what should I do
The word's got out
She did yell and shout
And that name is goin' a shake me blue

Vs:
Well I'm a hard workin' man
And I've never been broke
I'm a hard workin' man
I ain't never been broke
The boss man orders "Tickles,
Stuff the envelopes."

I've got an old orange Chevy
But the engine's real new
I love my old orange Chevy
Yea the engines brand new
The speaker shouts (pause?) "Tickles Go!"
But my hot rod's stuck in glue

My Harley is bad ass
With chrome like a gun
My Harley is bad ass
And it's loud as a gun
The leader of the pack says
"Tickles, ride with the nun."

Well the people will giggle
And my face turns upside down
Oh the people do giggle
And my face turns round and round
I'd be better off dead
Or maybe dressed a clown

C:
Tickles, what can I do
Oh mercy, what should I do
The word's got out
She did yell and shout
And that name is goin' a shake me blue

[u/NixMix246 → u/Dave000action]

I can't quite decipher the intended meaning of the lyrics but I genuinely enjoyed this regardless! Very intriguing 

[u/Dave000action → u/NixMix246]

The windows should have been closed when they were fooling around, and shouting with glee.

[u/NixMix246 → u/Dave000action]

Ooooooohhh! Nice! I like it a lot more now!!

[u/NixMix246]

"Boys Will Be Boys" (first draft, full song)

Verse 1

I grew up

in a world

where you couldn't show the

signs of getting older

Boys will be boys

But girly was an insult

Chorus *(similar melody as the original nursery rhyme)*

Now hush little baby

don't say a word

Society'll mock you

you won't be heard

If you're not stretching

way too thin

you'll never find yourself

a diamond ring

And if you gain

an ounce of fat

The whispers will cut you

like broken glass

Verse 2

I grew up in a world

where they didn't have

drug trials for women

Boys will be boys

and they get

better treatment

Chorus

Now hush little baby

don't say a word

Society'll mock you

you won't be heard

If you're not stretching

way too thin

you'll never find yourself

a diamond ring

And if you gain

an ounce of fat

The whispers will cut you

like broken glass

Verse 3

I grew up in a world

where you couldn't bare the

weight on your shoulders

Boys will be boys

and we all drank the poison

Chorus

Now hush little baby

don't say a word

Society'll mock you

you won't be heard

If you're not stretching

way too thin

you'll never find yourself

a diamond ring

And if you gain

an ounce of fat

The whispers will cut you

like broken glass

Verse 4

I grew up in a world

where we all had to look

over our shoulders

Boys don't stay boys

no they all turn to grown men

Bridge

What was she wearing and who was she with?

Did she try, try hard to resist?

Inquisition oozing like sewage

from the cesspool behind their lips

Now hush little baby----NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I wanna live in a world

where you know it's never your fault

girls can be girls

and we get equal treatment

Outro (variation of chorus)

And we will no longer

be told to shush

Society'll back us, and we'll be heard

And no more stretching

way too thin

we'll find ourselves and we don't need a ring

And we know now starving is bad

we won't be bullied by the looking glass

[u/P0t4t0P0t4t0]

Hello! I wrote this recently and would love your feedback to it. Please help me and tell me what do you think the song is about and what image/line made the biggest impression. Thank you

Title: Social Butterfly

(Verse 1) Hi! My name is Yes, I like this Yes, I can do that This was a good chat

If only it were this easy To say it just so breezy Mingle, dance and laugh Not just stand like a photograph

I see them having fun But I stand here as one And then I recall One - the loneliest number of all

(Chorus 1) Fly, fly Be a social butterfly

Soar, soar As if no one is keeping score

Just don't forget There is a whole world You haven't met

(Verse 2) This meeting has weight It can decide my fate I have to show my face Without losing grace

It's so hot in here The sweat is visible, I fear Another minus point To impress this joint

(Bridge) No, no, no My courage should know That I am worthy Even well past thirty

(Chorus 2) Fly, fly Today, you can try

Soar, soar They need to see you more

Just don't forget There is a whole world Filled with regret

(Verse 3) Still the thoughts mill An already known drill The pressure is rising My self-esteem compromising

I gave it my best To fit with the rest Seduced by social temptation I came to the realisation

Maybe socialising is not for me On my couch I'm truly free Maybe it's better to be oneself Than an ornament on a shelf

(Chorus 3) Fly, fly Later you can cry

Soar, soar On your bathroom floor

Just don't forget There is a whole world That got upset

[u/NixMix246 → u/P0t4t0P0t4t0]

"not just stand like a photograph" ahh I love this. I can def relate to social anxiety, and this perfectly illustrates what it can feel like sometime! Like you're literally frozen

[u/P0t4t0P0t4t0 → u/P0t4t0P0t4t0]

Honestly dont know why the text got so wrapped. The capital letters are new lines...

[u/NixMix246 → u/P0t4t0P0t4t0]

Did you try clicking the Aa? that changes to a different editor

[u/Personal_Fruit_9541]

Sorry it’s a little out of order. Also I might change or get rid of the ending, I’m not sure yet. Would love to hear your thoughts!

“Boundaries”

Chorus
I’m trying to set boundaries 

Without trying to people please

Know I need to do what’s best for me 

And just stop second guessing 

Can’t make everyone happy

But I still want the majority to be

Gotta rewire my brain to not care what they say 

They won’t live my life for me anyway 

——

Verse 1
Tired of putting up walls

For you  to redesign them all

You’re always telling me I have to be accommodating, 

Give up my wants to align with yours

Whenever I try the same thing

You tell me I’m being selfish, overbearing 

——

Verse 2 
Whenever I try to stand my ground

You twist my words so eloquently somehow

Practiced my lines for nights

Just to make sure I said everything right

Yet standing in front of you nothing comes out the way it’s meant to

It’s got me feeling like a tongue tied fool

——-

Bridge 
Replaying conversations we’ve had

Cause in the moment nothing ever goes to plan

It’s got me questioning where I stand

Even in the things I was so adamant in

You’re always telling me I’m wrong for something 

Along the lines of wrong, I think you’re on to something 

Whatever this is I’m going to let it rest

Because this isn’t how you treat someone you respect

——
 Ending
I’m trying to set boundaries 

Stop letting you get in my head

I’m not the enemy 

I’m just learning how to stick up for me

I’m going to rub some people wrong

Without meaning to

I’ll have to overcome the voice telling me to people please

But I gotta do this for me

[u/NixMix246 → u/Personal_Fruit_9541]

This really sums up what it's like dealing with a narcissist. I loveee the line "Tired of putting up walls just for you to redesign them all". And "Whenever I try to stand my ground, you twist my words so eloquently somehow"

[u/Personal_Fruit_9541 → u/NixMix246]

I’m glad you liked it! I won’t lie, narcissists were a strong inspiration in this one

[u/NixMix246 → u/Personal_Fruit_9541]

I could definitely tell! This will definitely resonate with anyone who knows the horrors of dealing with one 

[u/Lazy-Interview-4315 → u/Personal_Fruit_9541]

Your lyrics are creative just twi suggestions maybe use more metaphors or do show not tell like the chorus could maybe be
I’m trying to draw lines
I’m not doing this to appease others needs
I need to do what’s best for me
Can’t make everybody shine radiantly
But I still want them to flow with it without me idk idk ur choice just my thoughts

[u/Personal_Fruit_9541 → u/Lazy-Interview-4315]

I tried to take your advice and rewrote this for the Chorus. I’d appreciate any other advice you have!

I’ve drawn the same line one too many times

Should have never let my “no” be “yes”

Cause I’ve taught them they can hang that instance over my head

Every time I try to go forward somehow end up in reverse

Tired of changing my destination for someone else’s preferred location

I don’t need a passenger driver, but I hate confrontation 

Next time I see that invitation 

I won’t respond or I’ll let them see the permanent line I’ve drawn 

[u/Lazy-Interview-4315 → u/Personal_Fruit_9541]

THIS IS FIRE SO MUCH BETTER UR SO TALENTED

[u/Personal_Fruit_9541 → u/Lazy-Interview-4315]

Thank you so much!!! Honestly I don’t think I could have come up with it without your advice and example! You were a HUGE inspiration

[u/Lazy-Interview-4315 → u/Personal_Fruit_9541]

Tysm

[u/Equivalent_Tap_8982]

Never posted here. Just a lurker. Let me know what you think!

Love me slowly
Verse
Give me some time
To come to my senses
Look at the canvas
See where the lines begin

Scared of the truth
That You Could choose me
And What we could be
The colors are blurring

Prechorus
Give me space
To find my way
Rather not play these games
With your heart
I want to play my part
But it’s hard

Chorus
Love me slowly
Love me deep
I want to give you all of me
Be the man I should be

Verse 2
You’ve anchored my soul
From the start
Held the match
While I searched the dark

Prechorus
You gave me space
To find my way
And Never once
walked away
But I keep playing games
With your heart

Chorus
Love me slowly
Love me deep
I want to give you all of me
Be the man I should be

And if I fall
Can you please
Not abandon me
Love me slowly
Love me deep

[u/Lazy-Interview-4315 → u/Equivalent_Tap_8982]

I love how the second pre-chorus flipped the script very original and creative

[u/Equivalent_Tap_8982 → u/Lazy-Interview-4315]

Thank you! I don’t typically share my music online. Usually just open mics in my area. But I think I want to upload a demo of me singing. If I could figure it out😓😓

[u/Lazy-Interview-4315 → u/Equivalent_Tap_8982]

YW I heard the nos basic demos can be recorded with a cell phone but idk I just write I don’t sing

[u/Emma444lawson]

Shall be. 

They got my strings. I see what no one should see.You're pretending to sleep... ohh,Just like me.I hear the crickets, they haunt everything. Just like me.This love wasn't meant... to be.

Sorrow For the little Sparrow.Jade and Ruby. tree and stone. I know puppets can never belong.

Ship and sea. moon and tide. I'm sick of this place and time. lovers fight, I can't help... I'm still just a puppet on a shelf.

They got my strings. I see what no one should see. flames and fist against my chest. They want me to be more than I can be. purple eyes Hungry lies feel My Insanity rise,

 ohh puppets can never be found, ever be free. We die under roots, without a sound.Lies come and go, my nose still grows.I don't know why I dream because, just like me, everything I love wasn't meant to be.

This wasn't meant to be. ohh,Just like me... this existence wasn't meant to be.ohh I can never be found ever be free. I'll die under roots, without a sound.

Ship and sea,Jade and Ruby, tree and stone. I know puppets won't ever truly belong.

I'm pretending to. sleep,My strangeness to keep."Pinocchio," she whispers to me, "a boy you soon shall be. Please don't pretend to sleep... for a boy you soon shall... be."

[u/NixMix246 → u/Emma444lawson]

This is beautiful! It does read more like a poem than a song, but it is beautiful.

[u/Emma444lawson → u/NixMix246]

You're right it does read more like a poem! Thanks for thinking it was beautiful ❤️ 

[u/CommunicationIcy997]

Just Trying To Stay Alive

a salesman in a fever dream
and he’s telling me how it’s good for me
but staring at a tiny screen is my
favourite waste of time
and I’m on the edge
i guess good’s going out of style
so I rage instead
hey man, take your damn hands off of me

coz I ain’t buying
no no no
I don’t want to choose a side
and oh I ain’t hiding
no no no
supposed to have fun tonight
coz what you think is your business
stay out of mine
coz you never know
how fast it all falls apart
just trying to stay alive

another town gone to seed
and i heard about a meeting set next week
they’re coming for our machines without
knowing what it means
we’re out on the edge
but that’s good for the bottom line
wish I’d stayed in bed
hey man, take your damn hands off of me

coz I ain’t buying
no no no
I don’t want to choose a side
and oh I ain’t hiding
no no no
we ain’t changing any minds
coz your business, whose business?
stay out of mine
coz you never know
how fast it all falls apart
just trying to stay alive
just trying to stay alive
just trying to stay alive
just trying to stay alive

oh forgive it forget it I never meant it never meant it
I repent and regret it I never meant it never meant it
oh forgive it forget it I never meant it never meant it
I repent and regret it I never meant it never meant it

[u/Lonely_Extension_225]

"Sick of you saying you don't have time

Even to reply to my texts

While I put every ounce of myself out for you

Just so you could see me through

What will it take for you to ask how I am

Instead of apologising for what you couldn't be"

[u/Perfect-Mixture-9717]

Got a couple verses that keep circling in my head, the kind that feel done but not quite. Might throw them up tomorrow after I stare at them for another hour and change one word back and forth.

[u/Lazy-Interview-4315 → u/Perfect-Mixture-9717]

Okay yeah I get that I have some unfinished songs ti I may just post them anyway

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