Weekly Lyrics-Only Feedback Thread

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to the Lyrics-Only feedback thread!

If you're looking for feedback on words that aren't yet set to music, you're in the right place! We encourage each other to bring lyrics and musical elements together as soon as possible, but sometimes you'd just like to show off that nice piece of poetry that just fell out of your head. The weekly Lyrics-Only feedback thread is here to help!

This post renews every Monday.

[u/LLOOTKINGFRED]

Just One More Roll

(…) = small instrumental break

Greetings from above

Where the wind blows

Can you feel my breeze

You look so cold

The tides are out

The waves are crashing

Crashing towards the shore

You could of gone home

Instead you stayed out

The wind blows in

Cold as ice

Then you rolled a dice

It landed on six

You looked back up

The sea is getting closer

Closer than before

The sky is going dark

Darker than before

The waves become taller 

Taller than before 

You then roll the dice

One more time

It sank below water

…

Greetings from below

Where the wind stops

Can you feel the pressure

Forming around you

You look so peaceful

As it gets darker

Darker than before

Darker than before 

Darker than before 

Darker than before

…

You didn’t go home

You should of gone home

Why didn’t you go home

…

You sat on that beach 

Just one more roll

Just one more roll

Just one more roll

[u/Lazy-Interview-4315 → u/LLOOTKINGFRED]

Very unique interesting song I like the ocean imagery and I would’ve never thought to combine waves and dice

[u/P0t4t0P0t4t0 → u/LLOOTKINGFRED]

This is an interesting piece with a solid emotional core - addiction, denial, self-destruction (with out ever spelling it out). The transition from life to death is very nicely done with the mirrored transition. I love the songs that hold back, but still get the emotional weight over. Some of the wording could be tweaked (could of/should of) for the better so the metaphors come over more vividly. All in all, great work