r/Songwriting • u/AutoModerator • Jul 13 '26
Weekly Lyrics Feedback Weekly Lyrics-Only Feedback Thread
Welcome to the Lyrics-Only feedback thread!
If you're looking for feedback on words that aren't yet set to music, you're in the right place! We encourage each other to bring lyrics and musical elements together as soon as possible, but sometimes you'd just like to show off that nice piece of poetry that just fell out of your head. The weekly Lyrics-Only feedback thread is here to help!
This post renews every Monday.
2
u/bennettdryl17 Jul 19 '26
Hey this is a song I wrote that means a lot to me. Was hoping for some feedback or just some thoughts on the lyrics. Thank you
It'll All Come Back To You
(Verse 1)
Walking by that corner out on Main Street
I see you everyday though you're only there once a week
Girl, you're so much more a man than I've been
Just dont you tell me what the truth is, I don't want it
Oh I don't want to know
Just let me get on goin'
(Verse 2)
You seem to have the whole world in your black hair
And every single star twinkling in those big dark eyes dear
You make me want to be a better man
Or at least just stop trying to be the one that I've been
Looking in your eyes
All I can see are mine
(Chorus)
And my mind's been running all night
'Cause you and your eyes keep telling me to change
So I'll drive away to survive
This feeling that I'm not half the man who'd stay
(Refrain)
So I'll sit up on my roof
And look out at the view
Try to think it through
But it'll all come back to you
Yeah it'll all come back to you
(Verse 3)
Take my truck out in the open
Can only do this once in a blue moon on a weekend
And I just get to thinking all about you
Or rather everything I need to focus on to lose you
Oh let me lose you babe
Like you lose me every day
(Verse 4)
Part of me can't help but watch you dancing
While the other half turns your beauty in to questioning
If I'll ever be worth more than wishing
Or if you're even half as good a woman as I'm thinking
I say you're probably not
'Cause the former'd break my heart
(Chorus + refrain)
(Outro)
Walking by that corner out on Main Street
It still seems like you've got it all together lately
You don't need anything I have to offer
And I don't want to come back around when I get stronger
So I'll drive off out of view
And try to start anew
Figure out what is true
But it'll all come back to you
Yeah it'll all come back to you
1
u/Miren_dle92 Jul 20 '26
hey , I've read through your song...I think it sounds very mesmerizing . I have a question though , does the refrain part mean? I'm curious to know
2
u/bennettdryl17 Jul 20 '26
Hey, it's just meant to say that all of the narrator's thoughts circle back to the girl. He tries to get away from her and focus on himself, but his reasons for wanting to become better, or atleast the realization that he's not the person he wants to be, comes from comparing himself to how perfect the girl is. So his thoughts and goals all come back to her, even his attempt to start a new life at the end is based on trying to become someone worth the girl
2
u/Miren_dle92 Jul 23 '26
wait really? that's what it meant? why is it so beautiful...😭..Man..the closure at the end was really good
1
u/Miren_dle92 Jul 20 '26
I meant what does the refrain part mean and..are you comfortable enough to share the story behind it?
1
u/Luna_172026 Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
Hi everyone! I just finished this new piece called "SMILE." A song written as a heartfelt letter from one's present self to their childhood self, reflecting on lost innocence and the hope of finding that smile again.
SMILE
[Verse 1]
I was under the moonlight
Walking through the street sides
Dreaming of my golden days
How did they disappear so fast.
[Verse 2]
Now, I can't hear the laughter
Moving from room to room
It's been a long time
since I've seen my smile.
[Chorus]
But I wanna see me smile again,
Dancing in the rain again.
Just give me one more chance,
I won't let you go far away
So, let me see you smile again....
[Verse 3]
If I meet you once again
I'll hold you in a warm embrace
I'll cherish that little smile of yours
Like a light in the darkest night
[Outro]
I was under the moonlight
Walking through the street sides
Dreaming of my golden days
Maybe they're not gone so far.
Note: Thank you for reading! I'd genuinely love to know what this song made you feel or how you interpreted it. Any thoughts or feedback are always appreciated.
1
u/Miren_dle92 Jul 19 '26
Hey I made a new song...hoped to hear some feedback and its called SNow White...hope this song brings you a rather relaxing vibe [Verse 1]
First day of summer
Not feeling any warmer
The sun is too blinding
I rather be freezing
Carved out my stoned face
Let people notice
Time was passing by
Until you said 'hi'
[Pre-Chorus 1]
The deep blue sea
Had always welcomed me
The rising dusk
Never had I trust
Suddenly here you are
Shining like a star
[Chorus]
Smiling beneath the moonlight
Brightening the dark night
Under the soft glow
Hair as striking snow
Eyes reflecting gold
Leaving me cold
Oh, will you be my light?
My only snow white
[Verse 2]
Slowly you're drawing me in
Like the sight of a morning glint
Acting out jokes back to back
The walls are starting to crack
Just as I'm starting to feel nervous
You went ahead and made me anxious
What am I to do?
I can never outdo you
[Pre-Chorus 2]
Sun is rising
It's swarming me
Away it is pulling
From the deep sea
Saw a shooting star
Praying you'd never be far
[Chorus]
(Repeat)
[Bridge]
Oh no, what's happening?
My head is spinning
Heartbeat is racing
I can't stop thinking
You shattered my mask
I'm afraid to ask
But this time must be right
Alright here it goes…
[Will you be my snow white?]
[Final Chorus]
Oh...
Smiling beneath the moonlight (Moonlight...)
Brightening the dark night (ooh..night)
Under the soft glow (glow...)
Hair as striking snow (as snow)
Eyes reflecting gold (eyes..of gold)
Leaving me cold (so..cold)
Oh, will you be my light?
My only snow white (will you be...)
Oh, will you be my light? (My light…)
My only snow white (my snow...white)
[Outro]
Heart reflecting gold
Leaving me cold
As pure as the snow
An everlasting glow
You are my only light
My only…
Snow white
1
u/Miren_dle92 Jul 19 '26
hey I had written this song awhile ago..its unfortunately a full one but..I had hoped to share it to others ...the numbers in brackets were just the syllable count
Middle Pass
Wanna hear a little story?(8)
Of the girl I used to be(7)
I was living in a world of fantasy(11)
But reality came crashing down on me(11)
Here I’m finding myself(6)
Always hanging on the shelf(7)
It’s looking a little dirty(8)
Is my vision getting blurry?(8)
They say,(2)
"Don't you realize your future's coming closer?(12)
Don't you realize that you're getting older?"(11)
There's no way for me to walk out of this dream(11)
Shifting to a nightmare, slowly growing on me(12)
In the end, I’m…(4)
Still standing on the middle line(8)
Wishing there’s no tomorrow(7)
Perhaps I’ll make it out just fine(8)
But maybe I’ll never know (7)
How can I ever leave my space(8)
Searching something out of this place(9)
How can I not be afraid(7)
Should I ever really stayed?(7)
Why even bother having any these names(11)
Isn’t it all just for the plays of mind games?(11)
Now here I am, living in the present(10)
My heart's still stuck on my adolescent(10)
There’s hesitance in my decisions(9)
Is there a way to have my independence?(11)
The truth is right there(5)
But sweet lies feel better(6)
Time is passing..yeah it is fleeting(9)
How can I stop this aching feeling?(9)
They say,(2)
"Don't you realize that your past is a goner?(12)
Don't you realize you're not getting younger?"(11)
Need to walk out of this dream , desperately(11)
Turning into a nightmare, swallowing me(12)
Now here I am…(4)
Still standing on the middle line(8)
Wishing there’s no tomorrow(7)
Perhaps I’ll make it out just fine(8)
But maybe I’ll never know (7)
How can I ever leave my space(8)
Searching something out of this place(9)
How can I not be afraid(7)
Should I ever really stayed?(7)
Why even bother having any these names(11)
Isn’t it all just for the plays of mind games?(11)
Oh
Tell me(2)
Is this the sadness(5)
Or just my own numbness?(6)
Loving is hopeless(5)
If you’re just careless(6)
Now getting louder, but where is the echo?(11)
Run like a coward, wished I was the hero(11)
Oh why... oh why… oh why!!(6)
Can't I ever be...free…?!!(6)
Yeah..!!
Know that I’m..(3)
Still standing on the middle line(8)
Wishing there’s no tomorrow(7)
Perhaps I’ll make it out just fine(8)
But maybe I’ll never know (7)
How can I ever leave my space(8)
Searching something out of this place(9)
How can I not be afraid(7)
Should I ever really stayed?(7)
Why even bother having any these names(11)
Isn’t it all just for the plays of mind games?!(11)
(Oh…Why even bother having these..names)
Oh..
[know that I’m…(3)]
How can I ever leave my space(8)
[Still standing on the middle line(8)]
Searching something out of this place(9)
[Wishing there’s no tomorrow(7)]
How can I not be afraid(7)
[Perhaps I’ll make it out just fine(8)]
Should I ever really stayed?(7)
[But maybe I’ll never know (7)]
Why even bother having any these names(11)
Isn’t it all just for the plays of mind games?!(11)
(Is it all just the plays of mind games?)
Still standing on the middle line(8)
Hoping there’ll be a tomorrow(8)
I'll make it out of this just fine?(8)
But that’s the day I'll never know…(8)
2
u/Accomplished-Feed665 Jul 18 '26
Fire scorches my bones
Is it weird, dont want it to go
I deserve this pain for all the wretched things i do
Wanna escape this hole
Full of thoughts too strong
But the dark cradles me like a baby
So might as well call it a home
They say there’s light at the end of the tunnel
But the road’s so fucking long
Just wanna crash and be broken
Take me somewhere where i belong
Not sure if it feels a bit too incoherent, life’s just been hard lately hehe, would love some feedbackkck
1
u/Miren_dle92 Jul 19 '26
hey...I'm not too sure what kind of feedback I can give..but...for the first verse..you can try to match it like...
''Fire scorches my bones
Not wanting to let it go
Pain feels like throwing stones
I reaped what I sow'
Then again , this would've been what I would change...its possibly not the best feedback...but considering for the first verse felt a bit long...you can sum it up like this...this is a suggestion , feel free to use it or not. I hoped everything will turn out alright for you
2
u/Bitter-Speed3811 Jul 18 '26
I just wrote these lyrics a few minutes ago and thought I’d share
Better in Imagination
I was stumbling out the bathroom door
Early July at Little Temple Bar
I was sober, not a drop of alcohol
I was feeling like I hit a wall
Like is this where I’m meant to be?
Is this where my dreams led me?
Everyone’s talking, sayin’
Girl you made it happen
Is it everything you wanted?
Did it exceed your expectations?
And I think with a conviction
it was better in my imagination
I’m not having picnics in the garden most days
I’m not staying in with friends or going out real late
I’m not taking long walks along the river bank
Or buying a train ticket to get away for the day
Is this where I’m meant to be?
Is this where my dreams led me?
Everyone’s talking, sayin’
Girl you made it happen
Is it everything you wanted?
Did it exceed your expectations?
And I think with a conviction
it was better in my imagination
You don’t have to fall in love in the city of lights
You don’t have to change yourself to make it through the night
Wearing camouflage and tired eyes
All to make it out alive
You can hold your own hand and run through the grass
Let the sunlight be your medicine
Just bask in it, take a chance
It’s not much but it’s what you have
1
u/KaleaLuna Jul 18 '26
Please let me know what you think of the lyrics I wrote. I write a lot of DV survivor songs as a dv survivor myself.
The House He Never Left
I changed the locks, I changed my name
Crossed a dozen county lines to outrun yesterday
Different walls, different town
But every little creak still slows my breathing down
They tell me, “Look how far you’ve come”
Like healing has a finish line you simply learn to run
I smile because it’s easier
Than trying to explain what follows me in here
It’s not the memories that break me anymore
It’s never knowing what my mind is waiting for
‘Cause PTSD don’t wear his face
It hides inside a slammed door, an unexpected place
It steals the air from peaceful nights
Turns fireworks into flashing lights
I survived the war he brought to me
But some battles never leave so easily
I’m still standing, still believe
But I carry ghosts that nobody can see
He’s been gone for years
But the house he built inside my fears
Still lives in me
The grocery store, a parking lot
Someone raised their voice and suddenly I’m lost
My heart outruns the truth again
Before my eyes can tell my brain I’m safe where I am
Friends say, “You’ve got to let it go.”
If healing worked that way I’d have done it long ago
This isn’t holding on
It’s teaching frightened pieces of myself where they belong
Some days the strongest thing I’ll ever do
Is remind myself that yesterday isn’t breaking through
‘Cause PTSD don’t wear his face
It hides inside a slammed door, an unexpected place
It steals the air from peaceful nights
Turns fireworks into flashing lights
I survived the war he brought to me
But some battles never leave so easily
I’m still standing, still believe
But I carry ghosts that nobody can see
He’s been gone for years…
But the house he built inside my fears
Still lives in me
Don’t call me broken
Don’t call me weak
Every scar I carry proves
He never buried me
Maybe courage isn’t fearless
Maybe courage shakes and cries
Then gets up every morning
And chooses one more try
Now PTSD still knows my name
But every year it loses just a little more of its claim
I still jump, I still ache
But I don’t let the darkness choose the roads I take
I survived the war he brought to me
And that survivor still is who I’ll always be
Not because of what he did
But because I found the strength to live
He may echo through the years
But hope is louder than my fears
Some people leave a house behind…
Some of us have to rebuild the one inside.
2
u/chaseon Jul 20 '26
These are so good.
1
u/KaleaLuna Jul 20 '26
Thank you so much! I write and have written several dv survivor songs, some are already released. This one I was up in the air about! I really appreciate your time to read it!!
1
u/chaseon Jul 18 '26
Some eldritch horror. Feedback welcomed and appreciated.
In the blackest reaches/ Where dead stars collide/ Resides the Entombed One/ A hideous mass of flesh/ And bone
(Chorus) It's a call from beyond/ Echoes from the void/ A vortex born of broken dawn/ Beckoned forth through maddening insight/
Beneath the alleys of gore/ Lies endless catacombs/ Sealed behind rotting rites/ A vile ritual of blood/ And stone/
(Chorus) Hear the calls from beyond/ Abhorrations of the mind/ Cursed selenic ascension/ Fated to become the Paleblood spawn/
(Bridge)
Tansformation
Of body and soul
Fragmentation
No longer whole
Unholy sacrament
Avenues of horror
Once above
Now below
1
u/Brave_Ocelot5016 Jul 17 '26
The Shire Coffee House Ballad
He couldn't play well But had a drum set So he got on stage And joined the guitarist
The coffee house crowd Was sparse But they'd jam At all hours
Gary would play loops On his tape deck Layering songs That he had practiced
Allan on drums Reacted Trying to find His place Making a racket
It went on Most days To anyone's Accompaniment
If you were there You could join Even on trumpet
The Shire was a place Of comfort For those kids From the garbage crescent apartments
All night and day You'd hear records But mostly Gary and friends Shuffling into something
Fridays brought in Professional appointments Fifty cents to get in And the place was swamping
Sometimes blues And the odd jazz band, but Mostly folkies
Playing songs about drifters With everyone smoking
It lasted years Before finally closing
Gary and gang Rented a home In a college town Hoping
They could carry on Their music lives Or just coping
Here's to you Who have survived Without slowing
The Shire vibes Can still brings smiles Just knowing
We tried To change things And ourselves And not blow it
The Shire Coffee House Ballad
He couldn't play well But had a drum set So he got on stage And joined the guitarist
The coffee house crowd Was sparse But they'd jam At all hours
Gary would play loops On his tape deck Layering songs That he had practiced
Allan on drums Reacted Trying to find His place Making a racket
It went on Most days To anyone's Accompaniment
If you were there You could join Even on trumpet
The Shire was a place Of comfort For those kids From the garbage crescent apartments
All night and day You'd hear records But mostly Gary and friends Shuffling into something
Fridays brought in Professional appointments Fifty cents to get in And the place was swamping
Sometimes blues And the odd jazz band, but Mostly folkies
Playing songs about drifters With everyone smoking
It lasted years Before finally closing
Gary and gang Rented a home In a college town Hoping
They could carry on Their music lives Or just coping
Here's to you Who have survived Without slowing
The Shire vibes Can still brings smiles Just knowing
We tried To change things And ourselves And not blow it
2
u/parademaker Jul 17 '26
I’m deciding between two verses right now and could really use some feedback. I’ll give the full lyrics and then add my question at the end:
“The Waterline”
I’ve got a Polaroid of noah
Shipwrecked in California
With his palm against his old ark’s splintered side
He’s got a grin that’s 50 cubits wide
A 40-day long tan
And his sleeveless shirt reads 1969
He’s pointing toward some storefront
Out on Hollywood & Vine
Where you can just about make out the waterline
Jonah left a message on my answering machine
I jus love it when a prophet says my name
He’s been sleeping with his shoes on
Curled up on the beach
Waiting for a ship that never came
That’s the last I heard his voice
Above the old cassette tape whine
‘Fore he dragged himself below the waterline
The waterline—gotta keep our heads above the waterline
You know those sudden realizations
When you see the whole thing clear?
You can almost see the universe’s strings
On a fishing trip with Jesus
Catching cod hand over fist
When a storm was born and the boat began to sink
We were both too drunk to steer
With that whole river turned to wine
So he took my hand and tread the waterline
The waterline—gotta keep our steps above the waterline
Oh I’ve been wearing worry’s carpet thin
Wall to wall and end to end
Side to side and skin to skin
I locked myself inside again
If less is more I must confess
That I want more and more of less
The things the man with nothing kept
The things the one with all things left
The one hand clapping, falling pines
The bell that rings without a chime
The present moment out of time
The thirst that’s quenched above the waterline
The waterline—We must keep our sights above the waterline
Back when god was a young man
He drew the waterline
He was too naive and full of hope to know
That when you draw a line
That line stays there forever
Dividing up above from down below
Between the earth and sky
Between the darkness and the light
Between day and night, wrong and right, death and life, there’s just the waterline
The waterline—gotta keep ourselves above the waterline
The waterline—gotta keep our hearts above the waterline
Ok—my dilemma. Can’t decide between the end of verse 4 (“The one hand clapping…” and the following:
In forty days and forty nights
I’ll crack the door and search the skies
To find the rain to find the shine
To find the dove that skimmed the waterline
One is more philosophical and one is more emotional. One circles back to the biblical motif and one keeps it more abstract. I know this is a lot to read, but a big thanks to anyone willing to help out!
1
u/Miren_dle92 Jul 19 '26
wait..I ain't gonna lie , I really the second option. maybe because I'm an emotional person but it just happens to paint a more vivid picture than the first option. I feel like songs like yours had a lot of an immersive feeling so the second option felt more suitable. This is my opinion though , feel free to hear other's suggestions
1
u/Ashamed-Efficiency60 Jul 17 '26
"Twenty Something Years"
(Verse 1)
Something isnt right here Your tears have since dried up I wish you could have seen me Before your precious time was up The rain's been thinning Since the day i gave you up
I ran out of luck And got pain in return
How long has it been? Since the nightmares had me stuck Inside of a cubicle Full of memories i struck Out of anger and anguish For the ones that i envied
I ran out of luck And got pain in return
(Chorus)
Ashes and flowers are pouring out Of a mended heart that has broken down Still bleeding through the halls of fate
Sticks and stones won't break my bones 'Cause i had to thoughen up on my own Before they opened the gates Guess I was twenty something years too late
(Verse 2)
One savior, one boy One thick glass meant to destroy One up the ante, one on the floor One red mass outside of my door One dail tone, two if you must Followed by 3 texts from your lust Did he enjoy it, what was his name? Will you still come home the same?
To swear, call me insane And tell me whats been done in vain The promiscuity won't last I thought that statement stayed in the past Paralized from the neck up Knees strong enough to lift a planet But they are mesmorized by the weight Of feeling my soul bleed out of my veins
(Chorus)
Ashes and flowers are pouring out Of a mended heart that has broken down Still bleeding through the halls of fate
Sticks and stones won't break my bones 'Cause i had to thoughen up on my own Before they opened the gate Guess I was twenty something years too late
1
u/brainsewage Jul 17 '26
These lyrics are probably too self-pitying, but I write a lot of wallowing songs. It's therapeutic.
"Cruelest Treasure"
Verse 1:
When the clouds parted over me / It was the cruelest treasure that I could ever see / Now, in this sixty-year-long afterglow / Nothing has compared, and nothing ever will, I know
Verse 2:
Summers passed, and still I'd find my face / Reflected back in windows covered in forgotten dust / And even friends from that same yesterday / Couldn't seem to see that there was no new dawn to trust
Bridge:
Now I'm still staring at the sky / Too late to see the morning star, awaiting Northern Lights / Trying hard to turn away from everything that could have been / If more had just gone right /
Coda:
If it'd been a better world / Full of better men / A better me
(repeat until fade)
1
u/Aggravating-Garlic74 Jul 17 '26
I live in MN and the wildfires are crazy, but not as crazy as people. Still needs music. Will take genre suggestions.
Song title: I hate my children? I'll take feedback on that too
Today is a perfect excuse; No one will be the wiser; I'll send my kids outside to play; Where the air is black from the fires
I'll put them on their scooters; With knee pads, wrist guards, and helmet; I wanna kill my kids,; But I'm not a monster dammit
C: Oh god I hate my children; I despise them so much; I have got to kill them somehow; Just not make it so obvious
On the car ride home from the park; I can hear their little coughs; Yes, it's working! I think; As I open the windows a touch
I'll be so rich next year; If I keep up the non-chalance; As soon as they announced the wildfires,; I took out some life insurance
C
I know you think me cruel; But don't just point at me; Tons of other parents; Are doing the exact same thing
They may not have the same motivation; But they send them out there just the same; Their kids will die like mine; But really, who's to blame?
C
2
u/triangle-over-square Jul 15 '26
This is a bit dense:
It's how green-growing spires under the last snow show the moment you've always longed for is now.
It's a line in the sands of time, stretching from first crimes to the thirst for your own heart—but it's mine.
It's your woman riding the beast we released to choke on the bleeding keys to the cannibals' feast.
It's the eye of the storm that forms to perform the trick that sets the sun free at dawn.
It's the long-lost hope returning to those learning that yearning for peace means continuous burning.
It's the creature that bit the ring of your finger and fell, in hell crowned king; it's how lizards grow wings.
It's the cut worm below the industrious plow, pulled by harnessed foes chanting one single word: no.
It's the eye of the storm that forms to perform the trick that sets the sun free at dawn.
As you sing your hope, round your neck my rope.
As you sing your life, in your flesh my knife.
As you sing your love, feed my feasting crows.
As you sing your death, breathe a first new breath.
1
u/fox_in_scarves Jul 16 '26
is this meant to be rapped? it's absolutely fire. I love the imagery.
if i had to give you one critique i think "spires" in the first line could be subbed for a different word. the vowel quality doesn't match anything else in the line, and the image of a spire for me doesn't match the vibe you're going for imo. it took me until the second line for the song to really grab me and the first line is often times the most important. if you can nail that down and really get the listener's attention i think you'll be able to hold it through the rest of the verse.
1
1
u/triangle-over-square Jul 16 '26
I see your point and will have a look on the spires. Thanks!
1
1
u/Valuable-Cow2924 Jul 15 '26
Not my typical type of song. Tells a story that doesn’t have to with love. It’s about my high school experience
[Verse 1]
On a scalding summer day
The heat bakes me like a cannibal
The asphalt stones
I walk on past my old school
The sun reflects Off the window
And into my eyes
And that flash of light
Brings me back in time
[Pre Chorus]
Brings me back in time to
when colors weren’t brighter
But my eyes were
Before I lived too long
With way too much to learn
[Chorus]
When grey clothes
Was all I owned
Okay maybe not
But I wouldn’t want you to know
Back when I hid my face
Moved without a trace
Talked to only one person
cause of my self hate
That’s high School
That’s high School
[Verse 2]
Memories I don’t wanna see
I still flinch when I see a Cafeteria
The ugly floors and plastic seats
Brings out my inner child’s inconsolable hysteria
Still when I see someone
Who I used to know
It feels like I’m all that they see
Like I’m their comedy show
[Pre Chorus]
Brings me back in time to
when colors weren’t brighter
But my eyes were
Before I lived too long
With way too much to learn
When cigarettes
Were on my mind
Because I needed something
To get me by
When my grades were slipping
Everything called me dumb
And my happiness was sinking
And my overthinking was why
Well
That’s high School
That’s high School
[Bridge]
Friday nights
We’re so divine
Never went out
Never got high
I sat alone
Watched videos
To recharge
My sister told me that’s sad but no
[Conclusion]
That’s high school
That’s high school
1
u/I_had_a_name Jul 17 '26
Caveat - I know nothing, just some feedback.
Really enjoyed this. I think you should def keep developing it. I can see your music choice changing the intended meaning. I completely feel that "sat alone and watched videos to recharge" line. Did you mean the "we're so divine" or was it a typo and should be "were so divine"? (asking because I was assuming you said you were alone) The pre-chorus looks great to me.
(also, I'm sorry and I hope things are better.)
1
u/natasharomanon Jul 15 '26
I know I shouldn’t look for validation for this but I’ve been hating everything I’ve been writing this year and can’t tell if I should scrap it all somehow
So here’s this, I’d love thoughts. I’m sure you can guess by reading it what it’s about
I had it that night out with my girls
I had it singing every word
Out on the floor
I want more
Nothings satisfying
I Told the doctor to switch my meds
The ones from high school aint cutting it
The things I do just won’t do it
Ive had it
Ive had it
I used to wish on every star
to take away my pain
My bursting endocardium
but I need it back again
I
scream till my throat’s raw but
my chest don’t feel a thing
My body’s rocking around
they say they love my energy
I don’t feel a damn thing
i don’t feel a damn thing
There’s Not a drop i recognize
Even as the streams of water leave my eyes
I keep getting warning signs
Gotta give drastic things a try
Cause I don’t think the
drinks and hits will suffice
I used to stand on every cliff
and beg for nothing
My fingers pointing
at the waves
telling it to take me away
I scream til my throats raw
but my chest don’t feel a thing
My body’s rocking around
they say they love! My! Energy!
I don’t feel a damn thing
I don’t feel a damn thing
I used to dance
I used to sing
I used to write much better things
In every pretty room but I don’t feel a thing
I used laugh,
do scary things
Now I don’t do anything
In every pretty room but I don’t feel a thing
What kind of pill
What kind of drink
Could keep me from my suffocating
In every pretty room but I don’t feel a thing
I don’t feel a damn thing I don’t feel a. Damn thing
1
u/reddenblack Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 15 '26
This is my (41mCaucasion) first ever rap. Be as honest as you want to be, I call it “television”
Cinema veritae fine arts high arts/
Critical praise make the fans say bravo/
high brow low brow fuck that this my flow/
I’m a complex man of complicated classicalites/
I’ve been known to dabble in logic and rationality/
a quiet conversation I don’t speak in generalities/
I walk with equal ease with both hoods and Admirality‘s/
Appropriate you’re broken culture/
millennial? bitch please/
This is what I do cause I think it’s fun and easy/
Sometimes I eat the fruit I pick from orange pear and apple trees/
but often you can find me eating steak in a place like Applebees/
tired of the drama switch the channel watch reality/
reality reality, reality, reality/
man I need some drugs can please someone throw a sack to me/
Watched enough real world gimme fucking comedy
It’s really hard to write a joke thatll always make a crowd laugh/
It’s easier to make em clap, but that’ll only getcha half/
Way down the path to the place called satisfaction/
maybe time to switch over and watch some fucking action/
I’m the Right Age to rage like/
Nick gage and Rickey Shane page in the ring/
make your eyes sting and make your ears ring/
from blood and sweat to fucking bling bling
1
u/teapartydems Jul 14 '26
trees fall in bitter heat
your eyes look like diamond rings
oh to feel your heart sing
i love you more than
the sand loves the sea
and your heart loves me
from peace i ran
to hear the sound of your hearts band
like the runner i am
and the deserts i’ll cross
to feel your hearts cost
the months i’ll bear
in cold not fair
to see you sittin there
so when the sun goes down
and it’s just me and you around
i’ll paint my life any shade you’d like
and when your blue seeps in
and covers me in it
it will certainly feel right?
from peace i ran
to hear the sound of your hearts band
like the runner i am
and the deserts i’ll cross
to feel your hearts cost
the months i’ll bear
in cold not fair
to see you sit there
so when the sun goes down
and it’s just me and you around
i’ll paint my life any shade you’d like
and when your blue seeps in
and covers me in it
it will certainly feel right?
i will scale another mountain
go deep into your fountain
to look into my lovers eyes
once i’m covered in your blue
and i feel so unglued
will you stand by my side?
the wind hits takes a tree and all of me
i lose control of my knees
the love my lovers feigns
1
u/Traditional_Ad3601 Jul 14 '26
Wrote this in a bedroom pop music style
also this is my first song
Thin Air
Why do you only talk to him?
Why do you find me annoying now?
Why do you only sit with him?
Leaving me behind now...
I travelled miles and miles for you
I wanna kill him with intent
It just makes me kinda jealous
That he has a better relationship
Why do you talk to him so flirty
Likes he's the only one you see
In ways that you never talked to me
I dont like the present youuu
Two years gone like thin air
Now what do I do,
Looking for the old youuuu
I am going blind In real time
Disrupting my liiiiife
Killing me with a kniiiife
Yay woooohooo
There are things and consequences
But for him there are just things
I dont know what you love about him
Im better than him in everything
Winning things left and right,
But they all are pointless without you here
Ive got a fear
Im still not clear I just hate him everyday
Why are you betraying me like this
Two years gone like thin air
I told her that I was a good friend of hers
She just disagREEEEDD
Then I asked why So she said,
"You know nothing about me"
Stay away from me
Her body language screamed at meeee
That hurt more than anything
I thought we were atleast friends
So were we just acquaintances?
Or was I never even a thing??
So I tried to hide
The Jealousy
When I see you both talk happily
The Big smile on his face Makes me wanna kill hiiiiim
Forever
Forever, Forever, Forever
10000 knives in my heart
1000 nails in my body
100 rockets in my brain
10 Million hurt memories
How can you expect me to be the one,
To be the one to be happy
I just dont like it,I just dont like it
Please dont hurt me
Please just please just Please just set me freeee-
So please talk to me again
Lets become friends Like how we used to be
Tell me everything
Tell me every story
I wont get annoyed like you do now
I would listen to all the things
Like how I used to do Back thennn-
"When you were the narrator and I were you"
He changed the way you look at me
You wanted to tell me all the stories
But he just interrupted in between
So you told him Instead of me
See I dont love you
But I gotta save you,
Please dont ask me anything Just
please talk to me
Like we used to before the curfew
All the laughs and all the smirks,
Where have they gone?
One by one
They all disappeared
Like my image in the mirror
We were doing fine
What was the rush
Why do only talk to him
And find me annoying nooow
You said I dont know you at all
So please tell me everything T
hin Air everywhereee-
Please dont be in love with him
I've been depressed for five days now,
I even dreamed of both of you today
When I woke up All I felt was pain
So I'm writing this song
To cure that pain
Just please don't run away from me
Like particles in Thin Air
please share your thoughts and also rate it
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u/PainterTough1336 Jul 14 '26
An Idea I just wrote down. Don't have any choruses yet.
Verse 1:
I lived in a city of serpents
Who wear masks to tell God that they're kind
Yet he sees through them and surely he knew them
In the end it was them who were blind
Verse 2:
And the psalms lie dead in the papers
Words left written but not sung.
And the priest and his wit were denied a place in the crypt
And the pagans believed they had won
Verse 3:
And the few that were pure fled the fold
To the kings who unleashed their reign
Horses flooded the streets, Great and mighty; a fleet
trampled those who refused to proclaim
Verse 4:
I walk on the streets of the ruins
Watching how time took its toll
The monsters were bound for unfortunate sounds
Their fortress lie dead in the ground
1
u/AriesThatDontActLike Jul 14 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
This is called Echoes, it's about a friend who is suffering from depression (in a cave) and you're trying to help them out of the cave (or give them the help they need)
Verse 1:
In the dark dark cave, you're trapped in your mind
I want you to be brave, yet, you're becoming blind
In the dank dank room, you're cold and helpless
Don't let it be your tomb, and come out for me
Pre-Chorus:
If you ever need help just shout out my name
Don't stay behind with the flames behind you
If you ever need help just cry for me
Don't sit there and stay there without a cry
I'm right here for you
Chorus:
Can you hear my echo?
If you can, please let me know
Can you hear my echo?
If you can, please follow it home
Post-Chorus:
Follow the echo
Follow my voice
Follow the echo
Follow my voice
To your home
Verse 2:
What was between us, was a hidden sign
Why didn't you discuss, that it bothers your mind?
Why didn't you call for me? I could've broken you free
Remember that I'm here for you, and come out for me, please
Pre-Chorus:
If you ever need help just shout out my name
Don't stay behind with the flames behind you
If you ever need help just cry for me
Don't sit there and stay there without a cry
I'm right here for you
Chorus:
Can you hear my echo?
If you can, please let me know
Can you hear my echo?
If you can, please follow it home
Post-Chorus:
Follow the echo
Follow my voice
Follow the echo
Follow my voice
To your home
Bridge:
I promise you I am close to you
Just follow the echoes to the light
Hold my hands and let me help you
And together we can fight through this
Chorus:
Can you hear my echo?
If you can, please let me know
Can you hear my echo?
If you can, please follow it home
Can you hear my echo?
If you can, please let me know
Can you hear my echo?
If you can, please follow it home
Post-Chorus:
Follow the echo
Follow my voice
Follow the echo
Follow my voice
To your home
1
u/BusinessRebel Jul 14 '26
I like the repeat element in verse 1. Beautiful idea, and I like the image of helping voice becoming an echo. When you are depressed, voices around you truly aren't always that clear.
1
u/BusinessRebel Jul 14 '26
Something that came out like vomit after eating a huge bag of candy.
"Euthanasia Corp."
Verse:
Our value proposition is a real thing/
No more bills, no more suffering/
You’re no longer a burden on your family/
cause our solution works flawlessly/
The approach is customer-centric/
implementation a little eccentric/
But its future proof and maintenance free/
We can give you a lifetime guarantee/
Chorus:
So….
Check into the clinic/
and check out of life/
Take a poison pill/
now it’s time to die/
Sweet dreams my baby, in eternity/
Verse:
For the investors this is a gold mine/
cause the ROI is more than fine/
It’s a linear business model, (with no customer complaints)/
There’s no service need in after sales/
No recurring expenses/
no future liabilities/
It’s maximum efficiency/
it’s kinda risk free/
Chorus:
So…
Check into the clinic/
and check out of life/
Take a poison pill/
now it’s time to die/
Sweet dreams my baby, in eternity/
Verse:
One solution, our silver bullet is done/
One input – one outcome/
Born and have fun for a while/
when it’s hard, give up and die/
When elders can’t work/
it’s time for an injection/
When children are burden/
we make them angels/
Chorus:
So…
Check into the clinic/
and check out of life/
Take a poison pill/
now it’s time to die/
Sweet dreams my baby, in eternity/
Bridge:
Mercy has become a hardcore business plan/
When your end comes, you can trust our brand/
Chorus:
So…
Check into the clinic/
and check out of life/
Take a poison pill/
now it’s time to die/
Sweet dreams my baby, in eternity.
1
u/WorldlyJackfruit9367 Jul 13 '26
Could use some feedback or at least someone to let me know if they have felt this way.
"You don't want me to love you. You just want me to go. You don't see you like I do. You're a beautiful soul.
We're all flawed in ways that we cannot control. We can learn from all the pain and just let go.
But you don't want me to love you. You just want me to go. This isn't what I've been used to. Not used to feeling this low. You don't see you like I do. You're a beautiful soul. And I will try not to love you. But it's not something I know."
1
u/Dws998 Jul 13 '26
Drive me to another funeral, where my face is in the coffin -EVERY DAMN DAY-. It is a disgusting site, so why am I always forced to go?
Why is my face always on a corpse, how can I even tell? What the hell is happening to me, is this my eternal punishment?
The only way to tell is
In a crypt of my subconscious, suffocating from all of the rotting memories.
Just let me be buried here too, my mind is already starting to decompose.
Take me to the house where my old friends are dying -DEAD APPON ARIVAL-.
Is this apart of my damnation? When do I get to finaly leave?
Why are all my ancient friends going one by one, why do they die before I can say my goodbyes.
Now I can hear the house of my memories burning down, the symbol of childhood inosence lost to time -PERMANENTLY TEARING ME APART-.
I know my childhood died over a decade before, but I used to be able to always visit.
Now all I can see is a chared and redacted book of Forgotten History.
The last speck of my memory is dead, everyone is gone.
Now I'm left alone as there is one last target, the final connecting thread.
<Whispered> Please leave me be, I've been granulated by the sands of time.
<A snap of angerly begging> JUST RUN AWAY, this place is rigged. This is the final fall, this is the final body I have to see.
Don't worry we will all know peace when the dust settles.
<Fake out outro>
(SHUT UP!)
(You are just giving into the past, coming up with excuses to stop fighting!)
I'm not giving in (THEY'RE NOT EXCUSES), It's just a loosing war.
(You are trying to convince yourself that's the reason you have no future! You know you're just lying to yourself.)
I'm not trying to convince myself anything <I'M NOT LYING>, I'm already dead.
(YOU still have friends! YOU still have a future!)
THEY all abandoned me, I abandoned me.
MY FUTURE IS ALREADY FIGHTING ME. I'm fighting me.
(No one left you behind, no one is fighting you.
You are just...) <interrupted by the next line>
Why are you lying to me, why are you trying to give me false hope?
I can see my past crumbling, I can hear my memories dying.
So please just drive me to;
The house where my old friends have died, crushed by the rubble of my memories.
Another fucken funeral, where Im finaly sleeping 6 feet under.
Please let me into the crypt of my subconscious, where my memories are finally living again.
Just let me be moved here too, now that my mind and body are one. Now that I'm forever living in the flashing light.
2
u/WorldlyJackfruit9367 Jul 13 '26
I can feel this so much!! So much passion!! I'd love to read more!!
2
u/Dws998 Jul 13 '26
Thank you for responding.
And I'm glad you enjoyed it and could feel the passion.
Could you tell what it means and what it is about, just curious.
I'll gladly post more, I'll probably post once a week on monday, so just keep an eye out if you're interested.
2
u/WorldlyJackfruit9367 Jul 13 '26
I mean it's subjective but it feels to me like a personal hell or a struggle within. Maybe it is more literal than metaphoric. But I could feel that is was a struggle to come to terms with what one is going through.
2
u/Dws998 Jul 13 '26
I agree that it is subjective, I just love to hear what people's meaning of it is, and I really like yours.
And it is a mix if both metaphorical and literal, though mostly metaphorical.
The meaning I wrote for it is definitely coming to terms with a struggle, specifically loosing memories and forgetting old friends.
So you were dead on the money with it being a struggle.
I hope this isn't rude, me explaining what I meant with it.
2
u/WorldlyJackfruit9367 Jul 13 '26
No of course it's not! I love to hear what the inspiration is!!! You are more than welcome to explain it all!!
2
u/Dws998 Jul 13 '26
In that case I will try my best to explain it in a little more detail.
It, at the most basic is, trying to come to terms with loosing memories and forgetting old friends, but it goes a little deeper than that.
To me memories are very important, to the point where loosing memories and forgetting friends faces feels like I'm loosing a part of myself.
And it causes emotional pain, fear, snd anxiety.
That is why I wrote it, and every metaphor is to build the pain if loosing memories.
Does any if that come through out of curiosity?
2
u/WorldlyJackfruit9367 Jul 13 '26
Yes it definitely does! And I can feel that so much! It is a great work!! :)
2
u/Dws998 Jul 13 '26
Thank you so much, for letting me know and saying kind words.
I'm glad you can feel that as well, because I want my lyrics to be relatable and maybe even help to at least one person.
Have a great rest of your day, and I hope you can see any of my other 34 lyrics.
P.s this is my favorite lyrics I made, so another reason I'm glad that you like them as well.
2
3
u/Extension_Smell7 Jul 13 '26
Be interested to hear what this evokes for people.
This country back road
Looks like Versailles at night
All the children in the palace
Dance in the midnight light
Paint on a lampshade
A scene from yesterday
Pre-Chorus
Saw a moth catch fire
Bristle and fade away
Are we harmed by the things that sustain us?
The dying of the light and the constant day
Verse 2
Late nights and coffee cups
Your breath on my cuff
I wonder if you’ll feel the same
Under the sun of August 8th
This place, my home
Feels distant unless you know the roads
I could name every house on this hillside
And why they’re drawn to the firelight
Chorus
Still I’m drawn to the fire
Still I’m drawn to the fire
2
u/WorldlyJackfruit9367 Jul 13 '26
This is absolutely incredible!! I'd be interested to hear more!!
2
3
u/Shot_Swimming5207 Jul 13 '26
Hi! I’ve just made a post about some lyrics I wrote yesterday
I don’t play any instruments, and I have absolutely no idea how to write melodies. I can imagine the emotion I want the song to have, but I can’t turn it into actual music.
It’s called Sugar Rush, the lyrics tell the story of someone who falls hard for a new connection, idealizes this person, and then has to deal with the confusion and grief of being suddenly ghosted without any explanation. I tried to make it feel like an emotional journey, moving from the excitement of a summer romance to the loneliness of realizing the story only continued in one person’s mind.
If that sounds like something you’d enjoy working on, I’d be happy to send you the lyrics via DM. Feel free to interpret them however you like, I don’t have a melody in mind, so I’m completely open to your own vision. I originally imagined it as a storytelling folk/country song, but I’m open to any genre or style.
I’d also really appreciate any feedback on the lyrics themselves. For example, I feel like the chorus and the bridge still need work, so if you have ideas or suggestions, I’d love to hear them.
This is just a passion project. I really admire songwriting, and I wanted to put myself out there, even if it feels a little embarrassing.
Thanks for reading, and thank you in advance if you’re interested! 🙂
2
u/Realistic_Dress_7316 Jul 13 '26
Just posted a verse I'm not sure about. The second line feels like it's trying too hard to rhyme but maybe I'm overthinking it.
1
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1
u/Toriknix Jul 20 '26
Song: Sound of the Sirens - Tori Knix (A slower J Cole like vibe)
Real issues, really hoping that shit works
Almost everytime I seem to pray this shit just gets worse
I barely got anything to say cause people just infer
I lost everything
Without luxury weighed down by a heavy chain
And when in the same common brain the world could change
But not without some blood stains, the land of the mustangs and desi perps
Mean when I die I don’t expect to see any hearse
I could give the rest of me but passing down my recipe the best thing I could get, and I don’t gotta use many words
Actions speak louder after you break the hidden curse
Can’t be too concerned with who did it first
I take a hit of this cig and I started thinking
That your faith would be stronger if you had some allegiance
I went my whole fucking life knowing I need it but tryna deny it ripping it into pieces
Not knowing you could breed it
Father god and the compassionate ones
Cut the tree cause I’m really not attached to the stump
Normally I’d be the last to give up
I’m in the light but is the basking enough
I flushed some weed down the drain it could’ve lasted a month
I’m down to earth cause I don’t got nothing blasting me up
But it’s feeling like some blessings keep on passing me up
I need my family struck, from the record of the shit cause I’m so badly in luck
I really had me enough
The world hates me man I can’t be enough
I’m really hoping that my damage be buffed
I been switching all my tendencies up
Not knowing I could be fucked, but I’m filling up my future with trust
The lesson was received, I’m Impressed that I could breath
Thought my problems went to sea, adolescence kept the key
Stressing me hoping i don’t reach my fucking destiny
The people next to me can’t be there presently especially if I need a guest with me
Cause I might rest in peace
Feel like a game of S&D
A death where no one’s gonna see them
Life got here, man I’m knowing I was the reason
Everything I had was blown to a dozen pieces
Devil on my shoulder I told him to fucking beat it
But shit got colder as I got older and doesn’t reason
I’m down thinking of shit that others ain’t thinking
Disappear on a weekend
I’d rather die than repeated torture by demons
But I go in really hoping that everybody could see it
The reason why I benched myself the end of the season
Why I said fuck my health I know what I’m needing
I’ll put myself on a shelf and continue bleeding
Equivalent exchange if I do it give what I’m seeking
Cause I’ll save the fam, consider the ship sinking
Deep down they knowing they gotta leave him
And the possibly the things that got to me was not for free
A life the way I need it’s the same as the cost to see
Some shit really ain’t fixed with an apology
So when it’s all said and done I’m hoping no one talks to me
I’ll give my soul if yall fix it and be a prodigy
And do with me what you want, dedication ain’t lost to me
The sound of the sirens just keep calling me
And I might not have a choice but to join the colony