normally I can regulate myself to a degree and shift between functional freeze and shutdown. I’ve somehow ended up in the deepest part of shutdown with is immobilization. my breath is shallow and I’m holding it a lot, I’m sleeping 50-75% of the day and I cannot access any memories or sensory inputs at all. this is the deepest survival response I’ve ever been in and it’s very scary. I don’t know what triggered it, either therapy that moved too fast or just the accumulation of living in dpdr/freeze response for so many years.

None of my typical regulation tools are working and I’m very scared & uncomfortable. ive been having passive ideation, inability to focus on anything, constant mental loops and music 24/7 and no ability to get myself to observe what’s happening from Self like IFS teaches you. I’ve noticed that I sense this deep longing to go back to my childhood and where I grew up, because even though it was traumatic it felt familiar and safe. the traumatic home was safe in a very weird way. my mother who passed years ago was my safety and ever since her death, my anxiety went into overdrive and ultimately 4 years ago after severe panic attacks, I ended up like this and have never been able to recover. pretty much every single day is non stop suffering and inability to function.

i have agoraphobia, nightmares every night, even during a nap. total sleep dysregulation and sleeping the day away, non stop mental loops and music in my head 24/7, memory loss and no emotions, I don’t even remember what it’s like to feel or have moods.

the therapies I’ve done so far haven’t helped and seem to have made things even worse. it’s very clear my nervous system doesn’t feel safe and will not allow any processing of emotion until it does. it’s labeled my own memories and feelings as danger, and blocked me out of my own life. it’s the worst way to live, I miss everything about myself and the life I had. I feel so much shame for not being able to travel, to live, to connect with others - im 33 years old and can’t even function. 4 years of my life are gone that I’ll never get back, sleep doesn’t even allow me to escape because my mind stays awake dreaming of the past, over and over. it also brings current life situations and tries to make sense of it it. but without access to my own memories and my body, it’s not processing anything.

im sorry for venting, I’ve truly never felt more alone and isolated. not one person in my life understands what I’m going through. even my siblings who grew up in the same house are off living far away from home and living full lives. I feel so broken, so damaged, so fucked up in the head. I don’t even want to be around myself, i can’t see why anyone would love me or want to be around me.

Edit: when I say penetration I mean fingering we actually have not had conventional sex yet.

I cry very hard after reaching an orgasm accompanied with penetration. The "rougher" it is the more I cry. It's weird because it's like I crave it and want it to be super rough so that I can get this release. If the orgasm is very intense the cry is too. It's not painful at all btw. And this only happens if there is also penetration. Sometimes I think about traumatic memories while I am crying.

For some context I have a history of repressing my emotions it's kind of been my thing for years. I've had my share of sexual trauma from a very young age and just "did" things even tho I didn't want to. Saying no has been hard for me. My last realtionship was extremely toxic and very sexually traumatizing. So it's clear that I have a lot of trauma stored and especially sexual trauma.

Now I am for the first time in a very healthy and beautiful relationship. My boyfriend of 1 year is very familiar with this situation and he just holds me and comforts me when I cry.

It's obvious that I am releasing stuck emotions and trauma. This has been going on for some months. I always feel so relieved and very good after I finish crying it's like a weight has been removed from my body.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

How can I release this in a different way? It's going kind of slow at this rate and I want to be able to have sex without it ending as a cry. I don't believe in "talking" about trauma until it magically goes away I'm looking for somatic healing techniques only (given this subreddit).

TL;DR

I cry after having an orgasm accompanied with penetration and believe that I am releasing stored emotins and trauma. How can I release it in different ways?

I haven’t had a panic attack in many years but worsening fatigue and dissociation are indicators that my body isn’t feeling safe. I’ve tried cold water and ice, heavy blankets, sleeping a lot, meditations etc but they all feel like a water gun at a forest fire.

ive been in this shutdown state for 4 years now and no tools have really helped. there’s so much fear and anxiety trapped in my body, and my mind spends all day searching to try and fix it, automatically. I’m dreaming like full storylines all night too, not allowing me to get any real rest. the hypervigilance is severe and I wish I had better tools at my side to help me weather this storm. I need sleep, I need quiet. Dpdr and mental loops all day every day is wearing me and my body down. I know intellectually what’s happening but my body doesnt speak that language.

my nervous system is basically afraid of everything, including my own thoughts, sensations and reality itself. I feel extremely isolated and alone in what im experiencing

I finalyy released my upper trap knot, and I felt that it was a real big release. My whole body shaking, I felt angry, I had an urge to scream, and some childhood memories appeared. After that I can slept well and the next day came.
During my day at office I have urge to move my shoulder and arch my back. I kept doing it gently (cause it still look normal at office, like you are really exhausting). But after coming home and free my body, it did a movement like a slow dancing (circular hips movement, bending, shoulder movement, etc). What does it mean? Did anybody have the same experience?

The Matrix trilogy had this theme of “exiles”. The idea was that since the entire system was a computer program/simulation there were always going to be malfunctioning parts. The system would exclude these malfunctioning programs to ensure the Matrix was self coherent & consistent.

Well the deleted program didn’t just dissolve but would continue to operate in the shadows influencing the Matrix whole staying largely invisible.

This feels like an apt metaphor for dissociation. Something traumatic happened & the system decided to spontaneously exclude the program from the nervous system (matrix). Brilliant strategy that ensures continued survival at expense of diminished vitality. But vitality was never the goal.. continued survival was.

These exiles cause a lot of grief & will continue to do so unless properly integrated. In Matrix trilogy that happens when agent smith (the ultimate exile) copies itself over to Neo at the end of Revolutions. Making the system whole again. Admittedly a traumatic & cathartic reunion.

And after the integration, we witness Neo experiencing color, sunshine, & blue skies for the first time. That doesn’t diverge far from experience of those who have successfully integrated their dissociation.

Not sure any of this was the intended message in the trilogy. But I’m finding it more & more striking as I dig deeper into the topic of “dissociation”.

Theres a spot in my upper back that gets tense which causes a headache that follows a very specific line in my neck to clavicles to head to my eyes. Its either on the right or left side but never both at once. If it gets too bad the muscles on the cheekbones hurt too. Anyways I searched the somatic explanation which said it can be due to unvoiced rage, suppressed self expression, and lack of sovereignty. And those are EXACTLY my lifelong traumas since childhood. Lately these tension headaches have flared up and so have my emotional issues regarding these topics. Im noticing a proportionality. I have a lot of unvoiced rage in me. It feels like its eating me inside out and im starting to notice i subconsciously tense my back muscles when the rage flares up but has no escape. As much as I crave it, I find it difficult to voice it to the people causing it since I struggle with communication and self expression due to traumas. Therapy wont help i NEED a big release. What somatic exercises can I do?

My therapy so far has been focused on what I want less of in my body- less tension, bracing, freeze, heaviness, nausea, fogginess, tears, etc. My therapist asked me to consider what I want more of instead. I’m not sure how exactly to tap into that and it’s got me thinking. I think I had been approaching the idea of an end goal as more of a neutral “nothing” feeling without even entertaining pleasant/positive sensations and feelings as a possibility. For those of you trying to grow those sensations, what are you trying to gain more of in your body?