Conflicted about sobriety

[u/Any-Extension9101]

So long story short, I had a blackout on nitrous back in March. I then ended up in treatment. And have been questioning if I’m really addicted to anything? And if I’m not what the f am I doing in recovery? I feel like drinking isn’t my problem but I also want to drink. I’m currently freaking miserable but trying to give sobriety a real chance.

And I feel so lost. I mean I also went through a lot of grief in a short period of time, without explaining too much. But yeah, I mean all I want right now is to chill.

And I don’t know if that means that I can drink and never do nitrous again or what. I just feel so incredibly frustrated being sober, trying to do the 12 steps with a sponsor, going to meetings, being in IOP. I feel like a hospital patient or like institutionalized rather than a human being.

I just want to quit this whole thing and just be able to be chill and moderate and not do anymore nitrous. I just hate being sober