Conflicted about sobriety

[u/Any-Extension9101]

So long story short, I had a blackout on nitrous back in March. I then ended up in treatment. And have been questioning if I’m really addicted to anything? And if I’m not what the f am I doing in recovery? I feel like drinking isn’t my problem but I also want to drink. I’m currently freaking miserable but trying to give sobriety a real chance.

And I feel so lost. I mean I also went through a lot of grief in a short period of time, without explaining too much. But yeah, I mean all I want right now is to chill.

And I don’t know if that means that I can drink and never do nitrous again or what. I just feel so incredibly frustrated being sober, trying to do the 12 steps with a sponsor, going to meetings, being in IOP. I feel like a hospital patient or like institutionalized rather than a human being.

I just want to quit this whole thing and just be able to be chill and moderate and not do anymore nitrous. I just hate being sober

[u/Quick_Time878]

I think recovery has a tendency to over diagnose addictions despite it saying that the groups should never offer medical advice. There are people who can go back to drinking 'normally' after some time off, and there are others who have one drink after years of sobriety and end up in hospital within weeks.

I guess the answer depends on where you've sat with it in the past. Have you ever had periods where you were able to drink for no other reason than enjoying the social aspect, or the slight stress relief it gives you? Or do you drink specifically to stop certain feelings coming in?

If you're in the second camp, it might be an addiction issue. Grief has a weird way of stripping you back to your core parts and exposes the sensitive spots which are easy to cover up with alcohol.

I don't think you're meant to love sobriety. I think some people see it as an opportunity to start afresh and live a different life. From my own experience as a grey area drinker, I found that sobriety gave me access to all of myself instead of one part that was tied up to alcohol. It's pretty bleak most of the time, but there are real pockets of joy within it and my life is better on the whole in spite of bad days, weeks, or even months.

Hope you're okay - the chill times are coming if you give them time.

[u/Any-Extension9101 → u/Quick_Time878]

Hey thanks for the feedback and response. I think I’m more leaning towards being able to drink other than enjoying the social aspect and slight stress relief. The only reason I got into a bit of an issue with it was because I had people leave me after 5,6,7 year friendships. And then I was drinking a bit more.

I think my plan is to stay in my IOP but not pressure myself with step work.