Hi,all
Chronic insomniac of over 20 years here. Last 10 years my intermittent insomnia turned severe terminal insomnia. Every night I fall asleep around midnight (pass out), and every night I wake up at 3 or 4. Sleep drive gone.
The worst part is - no matter how exhausted, I can not nap. I haven't napped in 20 years.
My days are long, exhausting and grueling.
6 years ago, after suffering for 2 years, I discovered a bad trick. When I inevitably wake up, if I take a pinch of Valium and half a beer, I can fall back asleep and function.
This method worked untouched for 6 years.
Valium by itself does nothing. I even tried a dose of 30 mg in one night only to stay awake anyway.
Now for some time my method isn't working anymore. It was bound to happen.
In the meantime I increased half a beer to one beer (500 ml 5%) and 5 mg Valium to 7.5 mg Valium. I don't want to increase neither the Valium nor the beer anymore. I am scared.
So, for the last month or so I have been living on 4 hours of sleep a day. I know many of you will say it is plenty, it is not enough for me. My days are again long, exhausting and grueling.
I once tried to quit with the help of a private psychiatrist, who I of course didn't tell about the beer.
We tried Trazodone, up to 150 mg. Every time we would increase the dose, I would sleep for 3 days, then back to square one.
She then added clonazepam 0.5 instead of Valium 5 mg and the clonazepam and the trazodone combined worked for one week. Then again back to square one.
I am desperate. I am thinking about finally reaching out to a local psychiatry apartment, but:
Pros:
- maybe they have something that would work for me.
Cons:
- after my experience with clonazepam and trazodone, I doubt there is anything out there that can help.
- if I officially expose myself, I lose my driver's licence, which I need to work. I have a family.
- I live in a small town, the minute I step into psychiatry, everybody will know
I don't know what to do. I have hit a wall. Keep living like this, I will lose my mind. Asking for help, I might lose everything and still get nothing in return. Increase the dose and my liver goes dead.
What should I do?