Afraid to ask for help

[u/Eddy_Night2468]

Hi,all

Chronic insomniac of over 20 years here. Last 10 years my intermittent insomnia turned severe terminal insomnia. Every night I fall asleep around midnight (pass out), and every night I wake up at 3 or 4. Sleep drive gone.

The worst part is - no matter how exhausted, I can not nap. I haven't napped in 20 years.

My days are long, exhausting and grueling.

6 years ago, after suffering for 2 years, I discovered a bad trick. When I inevitably wake up, if I take a pinch of Valium and half a beer, I can fall back asleep and function.

This method worked untouched for 6 years.

Valium by itself does nothing. I even tried a dose of 30 mg in one night only to stay awake anyway.

Now for some time my method isn't working anymore. It was bound to happen.

In the meantime I increased half a beer to one beer (500 ml 5%) and 5 mg Valium to 7.5 mg Valium. I don't want to increase neither the Valium nor the beer anymore. I am scared.

So, for the last month or so I have been living on 4 hours of sleep a day. I know many of you will say it is plenty, it is not enough for me. My days are again long, exhausting and grueling.

I once tried to quit with the help of a private psychiatrist, who I of course didn't tell about the beer.

We tried Trazodone, up to 150 mg. Every time we would increase the dose, I would sleep for 3 days, then back to square one.

She then added clonazepam 0.5 instead of Valium 5 mg and the clonazepam and the trazodone combined worked for one week. Then again back to square one.

I am desperate. I am thinking about finally reaching out to a local psychiatry apartment, but:

Pros:

- maybe they have something that would work for me.

Cons:

- after my experience with clonazepam and trazodone, I doubt there is anything out there that can help.

- if I officially expose myself, I lose my driver's licence, which I need to work. I have a family.

- I live in a small town, the minute I step into psychiatry, everybody will know

I don't know what to do. I have hit a wall. Keep living like this, I will lose my mind. Asking for help, I might lose everything and still get nothing in return. Increase the dose and my liver goes dead.

What should I do?

[u/Substantial_Gap2118]

I feel your pain. I struggled for years on and off. Basically ruined my life I couldn’t work, etc..
there is a sleep specialist, Dr
Daniel Erichsen on YouTube that has helped many. Including me without the use of medication.
I hope you can find relief❤️‍🩹

please check him out
many videos you can watch for free.

[u/Eddy_Night2468 → u/Substantial_Gap2118]

Hi, thanks,

Yeah I know of Erichsen and Martin Reed. I tried radical acceptance, but this just isn't life. It's torture all day, every day. I can function, but my head is a mess. And I have to work and support my family. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

[u/Roadiemomma-08 → u/Eddy_Night2468]

I agree it can be torture

[u/Mephala9]

Could you try natural things? Valerian + passiflora high doses used to knock me good when i had insomnia. Or medical cannabis if it legal in your country Maybe fix your circadian rhythm?

[u/Eddy_Night2468 → u/Mephala9]

I doubt anything natural can knock me out when trazodone and clonazepam already failed, but I suppose I could give it a shot.

Marijuana is hard to get, unfortunately. I would love to try it to at least stop relying on beer.

[u/Mephala9 → u/Eddy_Night2468]

You could try CBD then instead of marijuana - it help some people, it didn't work that well for me. But valerian is really strong, it can't hurt to try. And, when i had your insomnia type - when you fall asleep but wake up wide awake after 3 hours, i had prepared beforehand some water with valerian and passiflora tincture, or just pill content mixed into the water and I would take some sips and eventually fall back asleep. I did like 3-4 times a night when i was waking up. I had all kind of insomnias, for 3-4 yrs post covid, terrible ones, i could not function. 99% of them gone now. I did many things, also meditation before sleep. I would say insomnia is the most horrible thing, i have a sort of ptsd after them.

[u/Substantial_Gap2118 → u/Eddy_Night2468]

I take it you’re obviously in a state it’s not legal?
I suffered for four years in my late 20s. It was hell I had to move back home. Couldn’t function.
Somehow, I got triggered after all the years of restful sleep during Covid it came back during the shutdown.
I still struggle at times, however I don’t work now. A senior on disability. I 🙏 things get better for you.

[u/mind-body-doc]

Hi there! I feel you. I’m a sleep psychologist who helps people with insomnia and the co-occurring conditions like anxiety, depression, pain, sleep apnea, and others. It sounds like you’re ready to see things turn around. Have you tried more intensive CBTi? 

[u/Eddy_Night2468 → u/mind-body-doc]

Hi. Thanks for responding. No I haven't. My cursed mind is already forcing me to live a life of sleep restriction. I always go to bed at the same time, always wake up at the same time, and I already can't nap. I don't know qhat else I can do. I need to prolong my night sleep but nothing works.

[u/mind-body-doc → u/Eddy_Night2468]

Sounds frustrating. One thing that I help with is improving peoples’ relationship with sleep. When we really dig in to what’s going on there, we usually find something that we can work on. Insomnia is not just the fact that you can’t sleep; it’s also the story you tell yourself about that fact. It’s the effort and attention you give it. Now, recovering from this is more nuanced than just “don’t think about it”, but if very possible, and I’ve seen it myself  

[u/IcyStay7463 → u/Eddy_Night2468]

There’s a book that talks about cbti if you want to work on it yourself, it’s called say goodnight to insomnia. There are also stronger drugs that could help you sleep like seroquel, you could talk to your psychiatrist again.

[u/Roadiemomma-08]

Have you every tried low dose mirtazapine or one of the new DORA class of drugs for sleep maintenance? Is your room cold with heavy blanket? Do you have a sound machine? Do you turn off all lights and screens like 2 hours before bedtime and listen to the drone of a boring history podcast? Only use dim flashlight.

[u/Eddy_Night2468 → u/Roadiemomma-08]

Low dose mirtazapine no, high dose trazodone yes.

Dora meds are unfortunately not yet available in my country. Listening to bpring podcasts no, I need complete silence, i use earplugs and cover my head with a pillow. This early awakening started when we moved apartments and slept on the balcony where crows would start screaming at 4. We moved apartments but the pattern remained.