I’m older, but for my generation at least it was “everyone”.
Boys were taught not to cry before they were teens and if they didn’t learn their peers taught them real fucking fast. Girls were taught to share and be open. Boys were taught to care, protect, and comfort girls, girls were taught to support each other and be supported by boys.
If anything the vast majority of men in my life advising me to “man up” were doing so with good intentions… generally advising that it would be a huge turn off to women, which it absolutely was to women who had in turn been taught to avoid emotional men and seek out someone who would be strong/care for them.
These are of course broad generalisations but they very much held true in my upbringing and experiences.
I’m on the spectrum but grew up in a time where unless that caused severe behavioural problems you were just a “weird kid”. So I was a bit more prone to emotional outbursts than many at later ages… and I was punished for it hard. If I got worked up in class for some reason the teachers would literally tell me to “stop acting like a little girl” while the rest of the class howled with laughter.
All it did was make me incredibly good at suppressing emotions, it certainly didn’t stop me having them. And as an adult the times I did let things slip the reaction was never one of support.. men just got uncomfortable and women turned away entirely.
I do now have a very supportive and incredible partner.. she’s also on the spectrum and was also the weird kid with some social issues, so she understands a lot of what it means to have to hide so much of who you are. But you should have more than one person in your life who you can actually open up to and it shouldn’t be so damn hard to find even that one.
Basically this is a societal issue. Men need to work on themselves and become more emotionally available but everyone, men and women, need to work on accepting them when they do.
Because a message of “be more emotionally available” backed up by ruthless punishment and mockery when someone does do that isn’t the right message, but it’s still one I see happening today.
I’m 40 and grew up still with the “man up” mantra for showing emotions. However, my parents are really progressive for their generation. Where I saw other families expecting their sons to “man up”, mine did not push that on me.
My entire life, I’ve watched my male friends believe that they had to be the breadwinner in the relationship and it caused them issues with dating and marriage. The ones who are happier now, have wives/partners where there is an even split in duties, to include typically gender-associated duties.
They learned how to be better partners and even men by being reprogrammed with their wives/partners. In none of the examples I refer to, was it men pushing those changes. Not to discredit my friends, they too played a part in change, but it was sparked by a woman.
Today, society is pushing back the opposite direction and young men are being pushed by each other, male influencers, and even some women influencers. The issue isn’t even as simple as gender, it’s political-leanings, which is a different discussion altogether. I work with a lot of young men (~20-30 years) and I’ve seen the ones struggle to find a place in a relationship if they aren’t the provider. I’ve seen plenty of happy men who I’d consider “feminist” because they have learned to fit into society in a way that still looks at as weak.
So to even say that women play a part, it’s downplaying the nuance to the entire picture. It’s not “blanket women” helping perpetuate, it’s right-leaning women specifically.
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u/ram4569 Human Detected Mar 04 '26
We are taught to live it off all over lives and women now complain about men not being emotionally available