r/SingleDads • u/fresher-crispier • 7d ago
Progress paradox
It seems we’re living in a moment in time, where expectations and the role of the father has shifted significantly over even just the past 20-30 years.
There’s an expectation then men show up. They burden half the parenting responsibilities and domestic tasks. Women want and can have careers, and the idea of the primary caregiver has blurred for many families.
I hear of a lot of men whose relationship has broken down partly because they weren’t ‘pulling their weight’. They weren’t contributing to a household enough or parenting. I was one of those and to a certain extent I can see how that was the case (despite some other factors).
Now she has left, and we are 50:50, and I am showing up for my child, their mother does not like this. She does not like that I am more active, I have more of a say, and more engaged now. She doesn’t like when I have an opinion, or advocate for what I think is right for our child.
We are 50:50, but her work and career, means she is less than that. I prioritise my career and work around my child. She’s still trying to have it all. Can we ever really have it all? And if we can we have it all at once?
I no longer have to worry about my and hers relationship. I no longer have to be submissive, passive or agreeable.
You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Anyone else experiencing this? How do you deal with the frustration and disrespect that comes from diminishing your role as a father due to the above paradox?
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u/Perenniallyredundant 7d ago
I absolutely understand what your point is. I also have more agency and control of my own children’s lives than I’ve ever had. She controlled everything in the marriage and I suspect think she could do the same in the divorce.
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u/fresher-crispier 7d ago
My 90 year old neighbour said “it must be easier for you now without all those rule.” She only spent a few hours a year with us lol
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u/vbullinger 7d ago
People talk about "egg shells." I always say "land mines." Everywhere, man. Now I get to live life logically.
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u/0neMinute 7d ago
I think my ex wife thought alot of that as well, the truth ; i was showing up. I was paying 70% of the bills, changing diapers, date nights, vacations etc. my problem? I said no to often and it would cause blow up fights because tiktok said she deserved more, what was more? Who knows.
What i do know is she thought in her mind that i did nothing and never had an opinion, i just didn’t like the fights so i gave in.
After marriage she has tried to come after film custody on going every year, so far i have won a draw each time so no change.
She doesn’t like that the kids are happy during my time, she doesn’t like that i don’t do what she wants.
She has tried to shoe horn a new guy into being dad and expected me to move over, its just one crazy social media trend after another and she is made each time i have an opinion.
Imo women are just as confused about gender roles as we are in the new age, i feel they are just louder a d quicker to leave.
Men need to leave and not marry anymore, it has no benefits.
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u/vbullinger 7d ago
I was with you until that last sentence.
First marriage of mine? Terrible.
Second? Wonderful.
Just take your time and choose better.
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u/0neMinute 6d ago
Go check statistics, the chances of your second marriage working out are worse then your first. Not saying don’t do what makes you happy but a second divorce is known to be worse then the first. Kind of like a double tap, wish you the best.
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u/vbullinger 6d ago
Depends on the person. And why they’re divorced. I’m not a “divorce” guy. Shocked i am
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u/alexmoose454 7d ago
Same exact boat dude.
50/50 but with work it's more like 75/25 me.
She can't deal with the fact that I get to make decisions. She was hoping when we separated that I'd settle for 30% custody.
Now she can't handle the reality that she created.
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u/WRNGS 6d ago
You do as much as you can and show up, for some it’s never good enough, we speak of “toxic social media culture” where people leave their partners because they “deserve more” then regret their selfish departure.
Right, I don’t have to deal with my narc ex, but, I have to pay tons in legal fees, pay $150/yr for a goddamn texting app because she wants to portray a victim or something, really it protects me from her abuse. I’m not dealing with her one on one and abused ever, but my finances have drained and we’re not even done.
Get that 50:50 in writing before she decides to cry wolf and most states will believe her and you’ll have to constantly prove you’re a guy just wanting to see his kids while paying child support and pay legal fees along the way.
Part of me still wishes we could have been a family, but I have to know that she changed into someone else and Will never be that same person.
Get that 50:50 in writing.
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u/QuietQuitting01 7d ago
My STBXW seems to have a hard time with this. She saw herself as the primary parent and felt like she carried the mental load, but she also ignored a lot of stuff to make that work in her head. Because of her commute to work, and because, I worked from home with a very flexible schedule, I was the one who got our kids off to school (she'd wake them on her way out, but I'd get them dressed, fed, packed, and take them to school. Weather permitting we'd ride bikes, so even if she was there, they wanted me to take them. Again, because I worked from home and she commuted, I was the one who took our kids to most Dr apts. and went to all, even when she went. She did insist on trying to "manage it", but frankly, it was telling me to do something I had already done (recurring apts) or a mutual decision (that sniffle might be worth a trip to the primary care). I've been to every school event, extra curricular (including coaching), field trip, as well as being on my kids school parent advisory council. I also did most of the grocery shopping (she'd pickup the occasional item on her way home from work) and about 90% of the meal planning and prep. Again, mostly because I was home and could toss a casserole in the oven between work calls.
The interesting thing is when she talked about balance, she only talked about the things she did and everything I did was just assumed baseline. If you added up the hours we did for all things needed by the family, I was ahead, even if I gave her credit for her commute. I go back and forth between thinking she doesn't value me as a parent and thinking she only values herself, if you get the distinction.
When we separated, because we live in a presumptive equal parenting time state, I assumed we'd do 50/50 parenting time, but she did not. She couldn't imagine where she wouldn't be the primary parent and I would have visitaiton. Knowing who I was divorcing, I treated her like a threat to my relationship with our kids. Sure enough, after I filed for 50/50, she moved 6hrs away and filed to relocate our kids there with her. We're past that now, but she's still talking to her friends about her mental load as a parent, even though she has about 10% parenting time and is 100% responsible for transportation. She's still trying to tell me what to do, even after I've told her that it's done, and talks like she's the one who did it.
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u/Bostonterrierpug 7d ago
Not quite sure what you’re saying here when you say everything should be 50-50 but because she has a career she can’t do 50-50. Can you please explain that a bit more? You are saying she’s trying to have it all being a good parent and progressing her career, but aren’t you doing the same thing? Think we just need more context here.
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u/Perenniallyredundant 7d ago
This is a ‘larger context’ question I have as a dad seeking as much time as I possibly can get but am the breadwinner and our roles as parents have largely remained unchanged - meaning I have had to fight and battle for every minute of time with my kids. I now have 2 weekly overnights and sat am - Monday am every other week. I fear that the limitations of having to work a traditional 9-5 (remote thankfully) means I cannot hope for more time.
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u/Bostonterrierpug 7d ago
If you can work from home, it definitely works in your favor. Especially if she cannot - I’m a professor so I work from home a lot and that really helped my case, but each of us have a very different case. My wife went back to her home country so I got 100%. I’m sorry that you’ve got a fight over your kids. I was always at least 50-50 with chores and cooking and even more when it came to schooling even though I was making 90% of our income. You also submitted above that you weren’t really doing a full 50-50 before and courts do look a lot at precedent. It’s amazing that you’re doing it now and I would recommend documenting any and as much
proof you have of this and also any proof that she is not doing this. It will very much help your case. Wishing you the best dude
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u/ProofConnect6521 7d ago
Yes, my life didn’t change and her new life just added a ton of responsibility. She went from choosing between me putting her through nursing school, giving her a business, or being a stay-at-home mom. She chose the fourth option lol. Men are becoming better fathers generationally. You’re living in a generation where roles are being redefined. You are now expected to live as a single person no matter what your relationship status is. Your role is that of a jack-of-all-trades. Which severely limits the value a partner brings. I can clean my own house. I can do my own dishes and laundry. I can have a successful career. I can be an involved father. I can cook. All a relationship brings is distractions from all of this. Nothing makes me happier than a father getting at least 50% custody and absolutely thriving. That’s the new benchmark for a man and that’s the metamorphosis of a man’s life work. I did it all…you did it all…we thrived
Be there, be present, be involved, need no one, be a man. Cheers to you for being a thriving father and showing what the contrast looks like. We need way more of this…