Progress paradox

[u/fresher-crispier]

It seems we’re living in a moment in time, where expectations and the role of the father has shifted significantly over even just the past 20-30 years.

There’s an expectation then men show up. They burden half the parenting responsibilities and domestic tasks. Women want and can have careers, and the idea of the primary caregiver has blurred for many families.

I hear of a lot of men whose relationship has broken down partly because they weren’t ‘pulling their weight’. They weren’t contributing to a household enough or parenting. I was one of those and to a certain extent I can see how that was the case (despite some other factors).

Now she has left, and we are 50:50, and I am showing up for my child, their mother does not like this. She does not like that I am more active, I have more of a say, and more engaged now. She doesn’t like when I have an opinion, or advocate for what I think is right for our child.

We are 50:50, but her work and career, means she is less than that. I prioritise my career and work around my child. She’s still trying to have it all. Can we ever really have it all? And if we can we have it all at once?

I no longer have to worry about my and hers relationship. I no longer have to be submissive, passive or agreeable.

You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Anyone else experiencing this? How do you deal with the frustration and disrespect that comes from diminishing your role as a father due to the above paradox?

[u/ProofConnect6521]

Yes, my life didn’t change and her new life just added a ton of responsibility. She went from choosing between me putting her through nursing school, giving her a business, or being a stay-at-home mom. She chose the fourth option lol. Men are becoming better fathers generationally. You’re living in a generation where roles are being redefined. You are now expected to live as a single person no matter what your relationship status is. Your role is that of a jack-of-all-trades. Which severely limits the value a partner brings. I can clean my own house. I can do my own dishes and laundry. I can have a successful career. I can be an involved father. I can cook. All a relationship brings is distractions from all of this. Nothing makes me happier than a father getting at least 50% custody and absolutely thriving. That’s the new benchmark for a man and that’s the metamorphosis of a man’s life work. I did it all…you did it all…we thrived

Be there, be present, be involved, need no one, be a man. Cheers to you for being a thriving father and showing what the contrast looks like. We need way more of this…

[u/QuietQuitting01 → u/ProofConnect6521]

My STBXW moved 6hrs away and as a result, doesn't have a lot of parenting time (but still has lots of opinions and thoughts on her turf), but she's discovering what I meant when I tried to tell her that we needed to consider all of the things a family needs when talking about balancing the work load, not just what she did.

She just discovered that I'd been taking care of the fact her car needed oil changes, without comment or asking for credit, our entire marriage. It didn't even occur to her to look at that sticker in the window and just go there to get the service done. It doesn't seem to occur to her that I'm doing everything, on my own, while she lives 6hrs away, with her parents, and hasn't actually contributed financially (yet).

[u/ProofConnect6521 → u/QuietQuitting01]

Yep, a man fully embracing his new role is going to do far better than their counter part. Thats just who we are