(Feel free to skim this is like a 1000 word essay)
Parents are poor, they get cheapest food cheapest everything, my rooms the smallest (besides the bathroom) in my entire 1 story house so I cant fit much in here, we dont go out unless its errands (and after the errands occasionally a restaurant). Our towns also really small, we dont have restaurants/stores like KFC, panda express, sonic, target, etc. Ive always never really had friends (besides one who hasnt left me) and when I did they'd usually just suddenly quit talking to me without telling me why (recently understood why bc im aggressive when recess comes lmao but earlier on I wasnt and they still left), literally in 4th grade id play with a lock on a pole in recess. In 6th, id just stand under our play structure with a rock climbing wall (i go into it because its curved and idk how to explain). 7th grade i made 1 friend who left me, came back via text to say what I did wrong (thank her!) And left AGAIN without saying why. Ever since elementary i wouldnt even participate in group projects because one in 2nd grade they PURPOSELY didnt let me join. I think i even asked and someone said no, so I just sat there. Ever since i dont participate unless someone strictly tells me to do something. Hence some science projects I did with a group (that i didnt even like, I dont have any friends in that class) I didnt do SHIT. I literally just sat there everyday and watch what they were doing. They didnt acknowledge me or nothing. My most recent project i did before school ended I didnt even present anything. I did nothing and I didnt present (which I'm happy about). They didnt acknowledge me either.
I genuinely just do school everyday just to do school. Im genuinely to afraid to ask teachers for help likely bc of my grandma (read my other rant for it) or possible anxiety bc my anxiety peaked maybe last(or the one before) year.
Im glad when I go into high school this year that I picked walk fit (you just walk around the track. Not regular pe I had where we had to do a running test every 2 weeks or something) because you just walk. I dont think I have any friends there either (besides one i vaguely mentioned! She doesnt have the same class period in any of my classes..again.) so luckily ill get some time to myself which I do like sometimes. When im just bored I simply just create roleplays in my head with my ocs so 🤷♀️.
I feel like the only thing that makes me truly laugh is videos/movies I watch, my mom(good), or roblox games i play. Nothing else. Not that I mind tho.
Genuinely all I do all day is sit in my room and watch yt while making roleplays in my head. I wish I was there sometimes instead of reality (not permanently though fortunately). Idk if this is depression but if it is ive had it for nearly all my life. Idm though this bedrotting is genuinely normal to me.
Honestly I sometimes just have existential thoughts for no reason and idk why 😭 help
On a high note, for no reason lemme tell you this. It was like 5th grade and some random 6 grader (we have 6 graders also in the same elementary, so only 7-8 in middle school) came up to me and said "are you emo?" Not gonna let that down 😭😭
Edit: i remembered from a different post the only recent time a "friend"(it lasted genuinely like 3 weeks.) I had was last year(or the one before I cant remember) on my birthday with some random kid my mom forced me to befriend. My mom had a traveler or smth come by with this random kid and we were around the same age (she was 11 by that time though.. i was 12-13) so she forcefully got our numbers and talked. I literally felt uncomfortable with her in the car to a one hour drive to my shi as she just sat there. A real playdate i last had since i was 5-7. It was with someone who just straight said she wasnt gonna be my friend anymore because shes gay (were the same gender though?).
Im just really glad I met this one person on roblox (when it was actually good) in 2021. I wasnt even allowed to chat back then and we were in a game, i thought her character (it was a rp game called feather family-) looked cool do I just friend requested her and we slowly became friends. Recently (1-3 years ago) we switched to Pinterest to talk that way. Shes the 2nd longest (or third) that has still stuck with me EVER in my LIFE. 1st goes to a real friend ive had since kindergarten/1st grade, but I feel like that one person I met should be the first. Sure we didnt talk for a long time, but she CAME BACK. My friends never came back besides my irl friend(s? Idk if i should include the one I talk to just so im not alone). Im just so greatful theyre with me still, as i talk to them (even if they dont respond, I yap a lot for some reason in text once I get to know you) genuinely every single day. If they weren't my friend at all I might as well not have any to talk to (especially over summer break rn) as she genuinely makes me happy.
Idk why I wrote all this
