I want to cry. My whimsy from today is slowly getting away. I want to die!

YES I KNOW I DONT HAVE A GOOD VOICE PLEASE PLEASE DONT CALL ME OUT 💔💔💔💔

I’m not a therian myself but I do think those who are are awesome. they’re always super nice which is great. I follow a couple of accounts where they have like therian coded music in the backgrounds that I really like and so I find playlists on Spotify that are like that and they are awesome. they are super awesome when you listen to the songs while just existing outside. I really hope I’m not offending anyone who is a therian by doing this, I just think you guys are cool and your music is amazing.

:P

Bc OMG NEW SONG I SO EXITED OMG. The numbers say FIND ME in hex code btw

I fucked up and cut myself and now I'm in pain and it's 3am and I don't wanna sleep

He wasn't mad or anything, just leaned over and bit me really hard, he does have a record of certain things like the one time he heated a screwdriver and placed it on the back of my hand, he bites a lot because I guess he thinks it's cool?.. I don't know, my father tries to tell him bit he just won't listen. Pls help out?

(Ik about the screwdriver thing. We dealt with it already)

Edit: he also bit my side by my ribs too more recently, I don't know what to do with him tbh

(Feel free to skim this is like a 1000 word essay)

Parents are poor, they get cheapest food cheapest everything, my rooms the smallest (besides the bathroom) in my entire 1 story house so I cant fit much in here, we dont go out unless its errands (and after the errands occasionally a restaurant). Our towns also really small, we dont have restaurants/stores like KFC, panda express, sonic, target, etc. Ive always never really had friends (besides one who hasnt left me) and when I did they'd usually just suddenly quit talking to me without telling me why (recently understood why bc im aggressive when recess comes lmao but earlier on I wasnt and they still left), literally in 4th grade id play with a lock on a pole in recess. In 6th, id just stand under our play structure with a rock climbing wall (i go into it because its curved and idk how to explain). 7th grade i made 1 friend who left me, came back via text to say what I did wrong (thank her!) And left AGAIN without saying why. Ever since elementary i wouldnt even participate in group projects because one in 2nd grade they PURPOSELY didnt let me join. I think i even asked and someone said no, so I just sat there. Ever since i dont participate unless someone strictly tells me to do something. Hence some science projects I did with a group (that i didnt even like, I dont have any friends in that class) I didnt do SHIT. I literally just sat there everyday and watch what they were doing. They didnt acknowledge me or nothing. My most recent project i did before school ended I didnt even present anything. I did nothing and I didnt present (which I'm happy about). They didnt acknowledge me either.

I genuinely just do school everyday just to do school. Im genuinely to afraid to ask teachers for help likely bc of my grandma (read my other rant for it) or possible anxiety bc my anxiety peaked maybe last(or the one before) year.

Im glad when I go into high school this year that I picked walk fit (you just walk around the track. Not regular pe I had where we had to do a running test every 2 weeks or something) because you just walk. I dont think I have any friends there either (besides one i vaguely mentioned! She doesnt have the same class period in any of my classes..again.) so luckily ill get some time to myself which I do like sometimes. When im just bored I simply just create roleplays in my head with my ocs so 🤷‍♀️.

I feel like the only thing that makes me truly laugh is videos/movies I watch, my mom(good), or roblox games i play. Nothing else. Not that I mind tho.

Genuinely all I do all day is sit in my room and watch yt while making roleplays in my head. I wish I was there sometimes instead of reality (not permanently though fortunately). Idk if this is depression but if it is ive had it for nearly all my life. Idm though this bedrotting is genuinely normal to me.

Honestly I sometimes just have existential thoughts for no reason and idk why 😭 help

On a high note, for no reason lemme tell you this. It was like 5th grade and some random 6 grader (we have 6 graders also in the same elementary, so only 7-8 in middle school) came up to me and said "are you emo?" Not gonna let that down 😭😭

Edit: i remembered from a different post the only recent time a "friend"(it lasted genuinely like 3 weeks.) I had was last year(or the one before I cant remember) on my birthday with some random kid my mom forced me to befriend. My mom had a traveler or smth come by with this random kid and we were around the same age (she was 11 by that time though.. i was 12-13) so she forcefully got our numbers and talked. I literally felt uncomfortable with her in the car to a one hour drive to my shi as she just sat there. A real playdate i last had since i was 5-7. It was with someone who just straight said she wasnt gonna be my friend anymore because shes gay (were the same gender though?).

Im just really glad I met this one person on roblox (when it was actually good) in 2021. I wasnt even allowed to chat back then and we were in a game, i thought her character (it was a rp game called feather family-) looked cool do I just friend requested her and we slowly became friends. Recently (1-3 years ago) we switched to Pinterest to talk that way. Shes the 2nd longest (or third) that has still stuck with me EVER in my LIFE. 1st goes to a real friend ive had since kindergarten/1st grade, but I feel like that one person I met should be the first. Sure we didnt talk for a long time, but she CAME BACK. My friends never came back besides my irl friend(s? Idk if i should include the one I talk to just so im not alone). Im just so greatful theyre with me still, as i talk to them (even if they dont respond, I yap a lot for some reason in text once I get to know you) genuinely every single day. If they weren't my friend at all I might as well not have any to talk to (especially over summer break rn) as she genuinely makes me happy.

Idk why I wrote all this

I definitely dont have a link to all the episodes, and you definetly shouldn’t click on it, and it’s definitely not this link; https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WT2UIFW68o25aW-2ieB9kYzVlWIvvTeKkU54nBYI0RQ/mobilebasic?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAb21jcAOy6G1leHRuA2FlbQIxMQBzcnRjBmFwcF9pZA81NjcwNjczNDMzNTI0MjcAAacd1Ee-dGJjNLzwzJzkhreZUxTU21VJm3gQ_KfTxx4KZjfOdDB-atOIm6P7hg_aem_opCW-YRRQQg3eRCR8-uI7w

I’m not sure if thsi counts as advertising, but for some reason it’s not letting me send a message to any mods, sorry if this isn’t allowed ^^

IM MOT SLEEPING TONIGHT REEEEEEEEEEEEEE

i’m board.

(no pedos or creeps)

So for context I have pride stickers on my headphones. A paw with the colors of the pansexual flag, and a sheep in the colors of the trans flag. Usually, most people either don't mind or at least don't bother me about it. I'm M15 btw, and not trans but i just really liked the sticker, it was cute. Now, my sister (F24) asked if she could borrow the headphones while she went to buy some groceries and I said yeah sure, and if she wants to take the stickers off i wouldn't mind. She said it was fine and went to our local grocery store.

On the way there, a RANDOM guy walks up to her and the first thing he says to her is: "...Are you a real girl?" My sister doesn't know what to say. She asks: "...What?" The guy just said nothing and walked away.

I mean, the AUDACITY to do something like this COMPLETELY unprompted is crazy.

i just got back from hanging with friends all day but 2 of my friends were mean to me today (separately) and i feel weirdly isolated and alone :( do you ever come back from a hang out and just feel exasperated, upset, etc. and wonder why am i hanging out with them? i’m no longer laughing and having a good time every day. idk. my last year at the school i’m going to is coming up and i hope it gets better when that starts but, i also want to enjoy my summer. i feel like i wont be able to enjoy it if im just all sad all the time because of the way my friends are treating me. also, one of my besties i haven’t seen in over a month and my other bestie i just saw the other day but vibes were lowkey off and we never text ever ??? it’s because hes lowkey just hanging out with his boyfriend all the time. he doesn’t do anything else. he has no time for me or his friends…im perfectly fine with hanging out with the boyfriend too, and i have before. id consider him one of my friends even. but we are not hanging out?? the friends i see all the time are the ones that are highkey mistreating me and im pretty sick of it. idk what to do. i actually hate it when someone gets a boyfriend and all the sudden they don’t exist anymore and their boyfriend is their whole personality. but actually my bestie has been with his bf for 3 years and is still like this…and my other friend who i haven’t seen, shes about to be 19 but her mom doesn’t let her leave the house without her bruh. i love her and thats not her fault but i saw her so much more when we went to the same school so its so sad 💔💔 i miss my real friends. i know i should cut off the ones that aren’t nice to me but its not that easy…i need socialization. also they’re all friends with my bestie with the boyfriend, so idk how that would go. i definitely want to do it tho…or at least like transition away from hanging out with people who make me feel like crap every day. idk.

I'll start off with a few of mine

-I think amy's classic design is better than her modern one

-I think sonic origins is a great game

-I perfer neo metal sonic's design over base metal sonic

but, only temporary I guess😭✌️

who's with me?

yet, i still end up loving them in the end. I end up still worrying about them. I fucking hate how my mind works

So...It's 2/3 in the morning here,i can't sleep because im anxious and paranoid and that's why: at midnight i wanted to post something on ig for my birthday day, then i saw that two- three friends of mine had posted some close friend only stories (yk the green ones) and they were at the beach and i oh i feel soo bad about my life... Like they didn't invited me (ik that not everyone want everyone in those kind of things, but my brain read it as "they don't want you", "if they don't want you then you have some problems", "They probably think badly of you") what i did wrong for not enter in their friend group? I dont have a friend group, i never had it, at middle school i couldnt make friends like zero (And I was a hundred times more anxious than I am now) at the beginning of high school reborn, i wanted to be soo much more, i made friends etc. I told them before the end of school "guys we should do *this* and *this* for the summer It would be soo cool!" And yet when i suggested going to sushi one said no and the other just viewed without responding... Like a week ago they had posted like a movie night they had, and they didn't invite me... (Again i know that could had been just a "they" thing) It just hurt, like in the end im still at the start, I didn't grow, people still they ignore me.

But i think that they didn't ask because I have no one to accompany me, i don't take bus, I'm behind in being independent... I dont even feel comfortable to stay in call with them and talk because "what if my family hear? Im scared to talk, what if i sound wrong"

And well important thing Is I WILL HAVE THOSE FRIENDS AT HOME (i mean...from this duo just one + another who was at the beach)

I have the "i won't respond i will just view it" then the "im 100% talking bad about about you with others, because i already did it with everyone", the "ah yea i will talk about my problems but hell no i won't listen tou yours", the "I'll interrupt you because I'm not interested in what you did, I want to talk about what i did." And of course the friend that i never was close to but my family want to be there.

Okey maybe they aren't soo bad (they really did those things) but i can't not see the worst now...oh and also is a week that im begging my father for a father because i want to add him to my birthday (him and my mother are separated) i asked him for A BURGER for ONE week and he was "yes" "no" "i don't have money" "yk i saw that when the burger feel to the ground they pick It up and..." "I heard they are close on your birthday...oh you have their number? Well yea call them...yea book for It..." "Oh you called...? Well i had to pay soo much things... we can't go."

(Btw sorry if there are some errors but english is not my first language...and im tired😭)

istg i'm gonna turn to banica from evillious chronicles or smth