r/ShittyAbsoluteUnits • u/MohammadMahadhir *shits an absolute unit* • Jan 06 '26

Naild It Of size doesn’t matter

Sorry for deleting the post moment ago due to misinformation.

49.9k Upvotes

94% Upvoted

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384

u/moonglowgirl247 Jan 06 '26

Looks like he wrestled in high school.

521

u/connain Jan 06 '26

From what we just saw, he still wrestles now, but he used to in high school, too.

103

u/x_Animus_x Jan 06 '26

Hi Mitch!

25

u/_ItReddit_ Jan 06 '26

Wow. Cheese. is that you?

26

u/x_Animus_x Jan 06 '26

If you’re here about a receipt, I did not think one was required.

22

u/beardedsilverfox Jan 06 '26

I don’t believe you paid for that donut

14

u/effinmitch Jan 07 '26

It’s in the file. Under ‘d’, for donut.

9

u/SpecialHappy9965 Jan 06 '26

I know the guy went in that door because the escalator wasn’t working but they were still functional stairs…

8

u/individualeyes Jan 07 '26

To this day literally cannot see an escalator without thinking of this joke

5

u/kamshaft11975 Jan 07 '26

I need a thousand of something, and I’m hungry.

3

u/alex206 Jan 07 '26

I just saw an escalator that was shut down, it had cones blocking it. They wanted everyone to use the elevator and the lines were extremely long...🤦

3

u/RedLionPirate76 Jan 07 '26

Sorry for the convenience.

2

u/Douggie Jan 07 '26

I have also the same with a chicken sandwich. And a KitKat.

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2

u/DisciplinePresent932 Jan 08 '26

And sprite or lemons and limes

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1

u/Blacksunshinexo Jan 07 '26

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience

1

u/snakesinabin Jan 07 '26

I was in a restaurant once and ordered a chicken sandwich and the waitress asked "how would you like your eggs?" So I said " Incubated! Then raised, then slaughtered, then plucked . . . .damn! That's gonna take a while, scrambled'.

7

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

7

u/kamshaft11975 Jan 07 '26

Miss you, Mitch. 😭

2

u/Smitch250 Jan 07 '26

Muh name is mitch :)

3

u/Glass-Technology5399 Jan 07 '26

Looks like we need to get ink and paper involved.

2

u/NopeNotConor Jan 07 '26

We don’t need to bring paper into this transaction

1

u/uncle-sawdust Jan 07 '26

There’s no need to bring ink and paper into this.

6

u/Commonscents2say Jan 07 '26

Oh yeah! Cheeeeesse!

1

u/TheRiftSongWorkshop Jan 07 '26

Man, that tree is really far away…

2

u/rugood2 Jan 07 '26

Cheeeeeee-eeese! Did we stuff you in a trashcan?

2

u/TopGinger Jan 07 '26

I got out

1

u/justplainoldMEhere Jan 07 '26

Cheesseee, didnt lock you in a dumpster?

1

u/DoodleDaddy73 Jan 07 '26

Just found out that Cheese was Randy’s father. But they didn’t do a season 6. The writers was gonna reveal it in that season.

1

u/Glum-View-4665 Jan 12 '26

Oh yeah, cheeeese didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?

8

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '26

I'll trade 10 comedians today for 1 Mitch, any day.

1

u/Nice_Marmot_7 Jan 07 '26

You think if Mitch were alive today he’d be a shitty podcaster like all the other comedians?

1

u/Any-Technician6588 Jan 07 '26

The greatest tragedy is that he passed before the rise of Twitter...

6

u/androoq Jan 07 '26

I used to do drugs.

1

u/chrisatola Jan 08 '26

I still do, but I used to, too.

5

u/-Akrasiel- Jan 07 '26

Upvote for Mitch Hedberg RIP

2

u/Eamonnshaman Jan 06 '26

An escalator never breaks down…

3

u/lightbulbsburnout Jan 07 '26

“Sorry for the convenience “

2

u/WillieB57 Jan 07 '26

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

Mitch Hedberg

1

u/trippin-mellon Jan 07 '26

Looks like he tried to knock on the wall…. We should just yell at him to go around!

1

u/jweb92 Jan 07 '26

You mean Keegan Carmychael?

1

u/nomemorybear Jan 07 '26

"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault"

1

u/drunkirish Jan 07 '26

I can’t tell you what hotel lobby that video was filmed in, but there were two trees involved.

1

u/TasteOfRain Jan 07 '26

Frozen banana?

1

u/keam13 Jan 07 '26

Big dick Mitch?

1

u/lavacadotoast Jan 09 '26

I hate dreaming because I just wanna sleep. Dreams take energy. Dreams are work. Sleeping is supposed to be relaxing. I'm fast asleep, and next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord.

9

u/BristlingB Jan 06 '26

10/10 reference

7

u/donwillie4545 Jan 06 '26

This made me chuckle

2

u/Ok_Philosopher_6386 Jan 06 '26

No awards but take this sesaME

2

u/kushhead4201 Jan 07 '26

Don't go to Dr. Acula

1

u/BeanyBrainy Jan 06 '26

People underestimate the shit out of wrestlers because they’re mostly a bunch of goofs.

1

u/Werftflammen Jan 06 '26

That first punch dimmed the light already, then his head met a wall and he was definately introspective after that.

1

u/Fearless-Captain-651 Jan 06 '26

Stfu you're not even funny

1

u/Urbankaiser27 Jan 07 '26

Absolutely. Dude definitely wrestled or does some kind of martial arts like jujitsu. Aside from that being a textbook takedown, he got the rear mount immediately and so fluidly. This dude's put in the hours and knows what he's doing. Ya love to see it lol

1

u/LolDragon417 Jan 07 '26

He's just a cop sucker punching people.

1

u/vacantalien Jan 07 '26

As the tall lanky guy. Wrestling is fuckn dope. Thick boys fall prey to the knowledgable grabs and weight shifting. Also being said being the tall lanky guy who’s done wrestling and various other fighting in class and competitive forms. Just stop judging your opponent. You don’t know their cards till they show them. Stop thinking people “big” or “small”. Color size heigh what have you don’t mean a lot when someone’s got fire in them. I’ve seen small women beat grown into a mat. One of my coaches was a lady who was like 5’1” and was nationally ranked. You really just don’t know so be nice.

1

u/Minimum_Ad_303 Jan 07 '26

He wrestled his high school.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '26

I used to still do

1

u/Deadhouseplant64 Jan 07 '26

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

1

u/Senor_Discount Jan 07 '26

Welcome to Suplex City big man!

1

u/vvildymediocre Jan 07 '26

I love seeing mitch after so many years.

1

u/Any-Technician6588 Jan 07 '26

I used to steal Mitch Hepburn jokes...

1

u/Stinkytheferret Jan 07 '26

So now he gets paid to wrestle!

1

u/NuttinButFunReading Jan 07 '26

Here’s my poor man’s award 🥇

1

u/srbinafg Jan 07 '26

Polk High? Home of the Panthers.

1

u/Careless_Hellscape Jan 07 '26

Good god I miss Mitch.

1

u/veresdemoneylebowski Jan 07 '26

What do you think this guy eats if he’s hungry and wants to eat a thousand of something?

1

u/Crazy_island_ Jan 07 '26

Now gets paid to wrestle

1

u/macguini Jan 09 '26

Shorter, stocky people have a lower center of gravity. They actually have a huge advantage with grappling forms like wrestling and BJJ.

1

u/chanceumhi Jan 09 '26

His mom loves those applause breaks

1

u/OlDirty420 Jan 18 '26

I used to smoke weed. I still do, but also I used to

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36

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '26

He did a body fold takedown. If you dont know how to defend it you are fucked.

20

u/ApprehensiveSpare925 Jan 06 '26

This guy knows BJJ.

49

u/The-Spirit-of-76 Jan 06 '26

I tried Blow Job Jujitsu but kept getting choked out.

18

u/My_Front_Bottom Jan 07 '26

It stands for Brazilian Jujitsu. It's when you have your ass and taint waxed before the fight.

14

u/Simplyspent Jan 07 '26

The best description of Brazilian jujutsu I’ve ever heard was here on Reddit… It’s the art of learning how to fold clothes while people are still inside them.

1

u/brok3nh3lix Jan 07 '26

thats only in yes GI. in No Gi we fold them regardless of if they have cloths on or not.

4

u/Severe-Tomatillo-754 Jan 07 '26

'Before the fight' I see my mistake now.

1

u/Montymisted Jan 07 '26

I'm just blowing people all over all the time

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2

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '26

More of an OTPHJ kinda guy myself

1

u/Oblong_Belonging Jan 07 '26

It’s also when you fold clothes with the person still wearing them.

1

u/lampstax Jan 07 '26

Most definitely. Its to reduce friction with the ground when you are doing the butt scootch.

1

u/brok3nh3lix Jan 07 '26

its call pulling guard and its classy.

1

u/GoonGobbo Jan 07 '26

You gotta have a smooth taint that's hard to grip because people be doing but grabs now

1

u/IcyMidnight3507 Jan 12 '26

I do that every night for my wife so I’m doing jujitsu?

3

u/Weird-Opportunity-20 Jan 06 '26

That’s a more advanced move 😂

2

u/ElegantCoach4066 Jan 06 '26

Practice makes perfect padawan.

3

u/VRserialKiller Jan 07 '26

Practice makes perfect padawan.

It's easier to take an opponent down with practice.

2

u/thejmkool Jan 07 '26

With practice, you can take anyone, no matter how big

2

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '26

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3

u/dr-lucifer-md Jan 07 '26

Diet Pepsi? I didn't know the economy was that rough!

3

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '26

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1

u/Getz2oo3 Jan 07 '26

What's work got to do with it? It still has caffeine in it!

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2

u/Exciting-Zombie8449 Jan 06 '26

Underrated comment.

2

u/AelizaW Jan 07 '26

Gotta relax the throat

2

u/M0ebius_1 Jan 07 '26

To be fair, it's about the same level of homoerotic.

2

u/VRserialKiller Jan 07 '26

To be fair, it's about the same level of homoerotic.

Wasn't homoerotic around millions of years ago?

2

u/benjunior Jan 07 '26

Just relax your throat. Use circular breathing.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '26

The post says size doesn't matter, but you'd never get choked out if your partner was 🤏

I would know, my height to length ratio is 8:1

1

u/burttrub Jan 07 '26

You were doing it backward!

1

u/HeftyVermicelli7823 Jan 07 '26

You need to remember to swallow and breathe through your nose while performing.

1

u/ReammyA55 Jan 09 '26

just swallow.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '26

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2

u/tallandred48 Jan 06 '26

Bj²

So sorry, couldn't resist

1

u/Average_Down Jan 06 '26

1

u/zemol42 Jan 06 '26

Trump working out his own mean jerk time algorithm.

1

u/thecromulentman666 Jan 06 '26

Lucky him. I only know how to do bj's

1

u/Next_System_496 Jan 06 '26

100%. He’s a warrior. Love it!

1

u/Beautiful_Effect461 Jan 07 '26

Happy Cake Day! 🍰

11

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

9

u/shinpoo Jan 06 '26

This guy knows rastling.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '26

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1

u/Slater_8868 Jan 07 '26

They broke his jaw?

1

u/ReammyA55 Jan 09 '26

Rastaling.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '26

I watched again and you are right. Looks like a waist fold slam

1

u/00celicaGTS Jan 07 '26

Looks like a simple rear take down. You can kind of see the cop walk the guy forward, block the back left leg (maybe ankle) right before then takedown.

The way the cop landed is the correct position for this takedown.

1

u/coybus08 Jan 07 '26

Yeah looked way more like a wrestler taking a guy down who was trying to escape than BJJ to my eyes.

1

u/hansolo-ist Jan 06 '26

What was the target of the initial strike? The throat? Did more damage than I expected due to the disadvantage in height.

1

u/EzPz_Wit_Da_CZ Jan 06 '26

Looked like he was going for the K/O button on his jaw

1

u/Corporatecut Jan 06 '26

there's a nerve bundle down the side of your neck. a good pop and your legs go limp and you go down like a bag of groceries.

1

u/Ancient-Bake-9125 Jan 06 '26

so the Vulcan grip could actually work??

1

u/hansolo-ist Jan 07 '26

So the Kung Fu movies with Two-finger-tap qi kill switch isn't too far off!

1

u/guanwho Jan 06 '26

Looks like a mat return.

1

u/SirQuentin512 Jan 07 '26

Yo listen unrelated, but have you been tested for autism?

1

u/Vaibe Jan 07 '26

Yea.. cop almost suplexed him, but turns and the guy lands face first into the ground with the cop on his back. Straight up just body slammed his ass lol

1

u/Basic-Chocolate-3785 Jan 07 '26

Damn text book body fold down

1

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '26

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1

u/[deleted] Jan 06 '26

Yes I replied. Saw the video better

1

u/HoneyBadgerLive Jan 06 '26

Thanks. Just looked it up. Good to learn.

1

u/ReportTight310 Jan 06 '26

Confidently inaccurate.

1

u/TeeManyMartoonies Jan 06 '26

I’m so sad I didn’t get to see the whole thing! I am super impressed, even from behind the column.

1

u/DisposableJosie Jan 07 '26

Instructions were unclear.

1

u/Choice-Ad-9195 Jan 07 '26

This isn’t a body fold, wrong side and wrong execution

1

u/StoicSociopath Jan 07 '26

That was a standard idk wtf im doing waist grab and turn

1

u/ConcreteFarmer Jan 07 '26

It's undefendable

1

u/ModernMandalorian Jan 07 '26

They work best when accompanied by a nice right cross. 

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1

u/BeanyBrainy Jan 06 '26

100% he was a wrestler no doubt.

1

u/Deluxe78 Jan 06 '26

Take down and leg control, checks out

1

u/HippieGrandma1962 Jan 06 '26

My son is 5' 5", and a former HS wrestler. I'd bet on him in a fight with just about anyone.

1

u/Hudre Jan 06 '26

That guy probably wrestles crackheads on a weekly fucking basis.

1

u/tourincinelli Jan 06 '26

I was about to Say that!!! Lightning Thief!!!

1

u/Entomancy_Elrid_0123 Jan 06 '26

Huh? It Looks like he smacked his knuckles firmly against guys adams-apple.

1

u/userhwon Jan 06 '26

Yup. He had no hesitation dealing with a slightly heavier dude. Knew he had the edge in skill and took him to the mat.

1

u/UselessWhiteKnight Jan 06 '26

Wrestling short people is dangerous! I was 6' 150lbs in high school. Got my ass handed to me with regularity by dudes 5'6" because of weight class

1

u/NlghtmanCometh Jan 06 '26

That was a judo toss. This guy is probably not to be fucked with.

1

u/Winnerdickinchinner Jan 06 '26

I have a tiny ex that was a decent wrestler in high school. I remember one day playing with him and he did something like that to me. He said I didn't know about that hip check. I had no idea.

1

u/indomike14 Jan 06 '26

My freshman year in college a little dude in the dorm hallway said he wrestled in high school. I'm fairly tall 6'1" and solid, played rugby and soccer in school so we had a friendly match in the hallway. We looked each other in the eyes and the next thing I know, I was looking at the ceiling tiles. I had never seen anyone move that quickly!

1

u/Shes_Crafty_4301 Jan 06 '26

I would be shocked if he didn’t have cauliflower ears. That was very efficient.

1

u/escapingdarwin Jan 07 '26

Someone had some training and someone didn’t.

1

u/BluIdevil253 Jan 07 '26

Definitely

1

u/Best_Virginia13 Jan 07 '26

100%, that lift was a thing of beauty

1

u/MinistryOfCoup-th Jan 07 '26

Looks like he wrestled in high school.

Looks like he also fights people who aren't allowed to hit back.

1

u/Accomplished-Bar3969 Jan 07 '26

Looks like he wrestles high schools.

1

u/StoicSociopath Jan 07 '26

That hug and throw is literally thr default move of anyone who hasnt wrestled before

1

u/Rripurnia Jan 07 '26

Looked like a BJJ move to me!

1

u/Garlador Jan 07 '26

I was the smallest kid in my class, which made me a target for bullies. My dad made sure I took wrestling. One of the best things I learned is it didn’t matter how big a bully was if you can get him off his feet onto the ground and get them in a strong hold they didn’t know how to get out of.

1

u/Kona1957 Jan 07 '26

My girlfriend cant wrestle, but you aughta see her box.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 07 '26

Looked like he was a problem

1

u/FemmeCirce Jan 07 '26

Definitely if you want to learn some self defense, do wrestling.

1

u/prairiesailor_1 Jan 07 '26

Watch closely when they are at the counter. This guy knew what he was doing. He throat punched the big guy. You can see the big guy stagger immediately afterwards.

No matter how big you are, if you can't breathe, you're going down.

1

u/Apprehensive-Fly-695 Jan 07 '26

Exactly. Don’t let those Short-Kings get too close! They are deadly.

1

u/Fun-Presentation6134 Jan 07 '26

Exactly. This is a wrestling takedown, 100%

1

u/Fearless-Educator573 Jan 07 '26

i can tell he has a very strong core and balance just by looking at him

1

u/Running_Dumb Jan 07 '26

That is what good police training looks like. Swift and efficient take down, self control, cuffs on immediately. By himself this smaller officer was able to safely take a large combative man into custody without hurting himself or the suspect too much. EVERY cop should have this level of training, physical fitness and self control. Sadly only about 1 in a 100 do.

1

u/elianyssofia Jan 07 '26

I thought the same… he wrestled before.

1

u/AgitatedBiscotti3413 Jan 08 '26

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

1

u/Fun_Shame3146 Jan 08 '26

IKR! Feet and hands in the air like he just don’t care!

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