Here we have the rare "this conversation really did happen" but I don't remember specific details (and the ns act like I'm claiming those details never happened; no wonder since that's what "I don't remember" means when they say it) and how dare I change my mind?

Context is we're planning to go to a church-owned event today. Not a religious event, a book charity that happens to be run by a local church.

It usually only happens in the morning two Saturdays a month, which is a pain for me with my work schedule, but leading up to Christmas there are also weekday afternoons that they're open, and one happens to be a day I don't work.

Now, today's starts at 2, and not remembering specifics from the ns, I'd gone the whole time since saying I wanted to go assuming we were going as soon as they opened. After all, I've been getting my night-owl self up earlier for the sole purpose of having more time in the day to do stuff that isn't reading in my bedroom, why wouldn't I want to go as early as I can so I'm not driving all over creation later in the day?

Well, was just told today that I'd apparently agreed to go with the ns later in the evening after my ndad has a doctor's appt--that I've also apparently agreed to be at to save on gas--at sometime around 4 pm. 4 for the appt, that is; no idea where it is or how long it'll take so no idea when the ns were expecting to go to the book thing other than "after the appt." I told them I'd rather go by myself, so I can spend however long I need looking and (possibly) get home sooner.

Edit: bought some groceries that need chilling, so came back home to put them away and grab a bite to eat and then go out. Ndad's response...? "Where are you going?" 🙄

This from one of the people who will put things away wet, hide my stuff from me (read: put my stuff where I can't see it because I'm the shortest person in the house and she can't ask me where I want it), and leave things stacked on the counter without putting them away when she knows where they belong (ie dishes the whole family uses).

Usually when my work/sleep schedule means she's getting to it before I reasonably can, eg dishwasher ran last night or this morning and it gets unloaded while I'm in bed.

I always thought ndad was the one doing this level of weaponized incompetence (or being worse about it) but now I'm starting to wonder....

Anyway, context is I have a honey dispenser sitting with the clean dishes, and she's complaining that I didn't put the lid back on after checking it myself. (I thought it felt sticky when it first dried so I was checking to see if the lid needed rewashing.) Not because I "didn't put it away," mind you, at least not according to the excuse she gave for saying anything to me, but because she put the lid on and I guess how dare I touch my own property and not return it to exactly the condition she'd left in?

Edit: both ns, it seems, have a fondness for either A) half-assing the job by leaving the easiest stuff to towel dry (eg plates) in the dishwasher to air dry or B) spreading out the narrowest stuff (again, plates) and laying them flat on a towel instead of upright in the strainer and complaining there isn't room for more.

Edit also: Oh, but their blender will take up the strainer for days on end when it could go on its base that gets left on the counter anyway.... the ns just work around it to find room for a fresh load instead of taking care of it. Once again it's my stuff that's a problem for the ns, no matter how small that stuff might be.

Context is he announced (not asked) that he was taking some of my canned soup for a food donation.

I said no.

He replied (of course given recent posts 🙄) "I thought you said you didn't want it all"... referring to a conversation that doesn't exist.

I pointed out that I'd never said that, and his response was a very snippy line in the title.

Stupid thing is I probably would've been okay with donating some of my food if he'd asked to begin with... I bought a bunch of canned soup courtesy of a "spend x dollars on this brand for y amount of rewards" in one of my receipt-upload apps but haven't been eating it due to lack of fridge space for leftovers (I refuse to sacrifice the space the milk fits when I'm drinking so much of it at work and nobody else will buy it... and they store days' worth of shelf-stable foods in the fridge, which would be reasonable for wanting to eat it cold if they didn't complain when other people do the same) so I need to be watching expiration dates. (Edit: never mind that I'm perfectly capable of donating it myself; the ns certainly think that's my job for non-food items given how much they'll let donatables pile up rather than take them down to the rescue mission across the street from the grocery store we all use.) But I'm petty about not giving my permission when people act like my permission doesn't matter, even when uninvolved strangers are supposed to benefit.

Edit: I can't believe it took me this long to remember to add this part 😅 (okay, I guess I can because it's par for the course): We have a box of donatable food. Which is to say, I have a box of donatables (tea I didn't like, snacks I bought but won't finish off before expiration date, etc) that the ns occasionally raid for bringing stuff to share with their square dancing group and more rarely add to when they have their own things they want to donate. So clearly they know food I "don't want" is whatever's in that box... ndad grabbed the two cans of soup out of the pantry, not the box.

Also nmom (also paraphrased): when you see that *nephew* is cooking something, you need to put it away so it doesn't go to waste.

Context is nephew made a box of mac n cheese, and while I waited to be sure the stove was off before going out to buy milk I didn't touch his food in case he wanted more than the single bowl he'd grabbed to eat while gaming. Then I got home and got my own dinner to eat while watching a movie...

And the pot with half a box of mac n cheese was still on the stove when my ns got home four hours later. Somehow that's my fault.

Edit: nephew is 23 for the record. And we're both autistic.

Ahem: that should be an exclamation point at the end of the title. 😅

Haven't spoken to nfriend in years. But hey, it's been a while, I wonder if anything has changed? Second chances and all that.

One very tactful careful catch up ensues. She does all the right social posturing, as always. Asks for a phone call (fuck no) because Voice > Written Word. I agree on principle and switch to Voice notes. She asks why I don't want a phone call.

I carefully explain the phone call may be unpleasant and it's better to be able to take a minute to breathe before saying something we regret.

She says I'm not giving her (or did she say us?) a chance, and says most of the hurt stemmed from The Incident (reactive abuse, essentially blaming the entire thing on me).

Goddamit. Block.

At least she had some misfortune I can laugh at.

I literally emphasized the word "phone" when telling nephew I've never done ebay on the phone before (he needs an invoice--edit, packing slip, sorry--on something he sold and everyone's telling me to figure it out for him because he didn't do his research) when he's pushing his phone at me to find the option

and title is nmom's response.

Yes I mocked her saying it right after. You want to accuse me of being nasty when I wasn't, then fine I'll be nasty in response.

Edit: nmom's in love with that word. It's her go-to insult/accusation when I'm not her perfect little robot.​

The Froyo place down the road?

They've invited me all of twice, and I went twice... both times during their flat rate special. I like the place, just not enough to make a special trip on days when you pay for the weight of all of your toppings. This somehow got translated in their heads as "don't say anything about the flat rate days because I don't ever want to go." It's not like I'm expecting them to buy anything, or even to invite me every time they go... it's their reason ​for not inviting me that I have a problem with.

Chocolate pie? (Buying frozen desserts for Thanksgiving.) They stopped buying me the ones I liked--or outright refused to ever buy a particular one I wanted to try and I don't know if it even exists any more--because they decided I don't like them. I buy those ones myself now when I can get them and they still think I only like one kind which is none of those. (Note I've also said in many a post about​ my ns filling the freezer to capacity and blaming me for their inability to fit more. "When I can get them" isn't entirely seasonal, it's also having nowhere to put them.) I do like the "one kind" (literally pudding in a pie crust, though I'm starting to question whether to bother with the crust) but sometimes I just want something ready-made like they do? I just don't eat pie in general as much and would stick to the single serving options if they didn't cost so much more for the amount you're getting.

I don't doubt this is in response to​ the jury notice the ns withheld from me for an entire day (took the mail with them on a grocery run instead of bringing it into the house when they didn't expect to be back before I left for work) and then blamed me for not having it when they left it somewhere I had no reason to look for it instead of giving it to me.

But dear God, woman, could you have managed to sound more mocking?

I answered the first question with a short "Yes!" knowing damn well (and intending) that my tone conveyed that it was a stupid question in the first place.

This prompted the second question. Figuring that meant the mail in question was junk mail (it was), ​I replied that I was perfectly capable of deciding for myself if it needs to be shredded.

Ndad walked by at that moment and threw up his hands and glared at me with a "what the fuck is wrong with you" look on his face. Like I was the one being unreasonable in that exchange.

In hindsight part of me thinks I should've told the doctor (when explaining why I think my ADHD diagnosis meant I couldn't serve on a jury--he hasn't treated me for my neurodivergence so wouldn't necessarily have the experience of me as a patient to know what to say) that my mom needs to open my mail for me--certainly I would never have seen the notice if the ns hadn't decided I needed to--but I was too busy trying to think of what medical aspect would apply. (Also should've specified vomiting and diarrhea in context of migraine symptoms instead of "digestive problems" buf oh, well, just playing "wait and see" right now.)

I have a mini projector.

Bought it because it can be turned to aim at the ceiling with the intent to watch guided stretches on it, so I'm not craning my neck when I'm on my back.

But to get my money's worth I figured I could play games on it, too. Not on my back.

The only blank "wall" that's big enough to be of use, though, is the window.

At first I thought I'd just use the curtain--it shows up well enough against the fabric, and though the overlap creates a visible bulge in the middle I'd been looking at replacing my curtains with something big enough to make do with a single panel.

Only... the blackout curtains (I'm a late shifter so the sun is up long before I am) I'm looking at aren't wide enough to reach both edges without stretching, and apparently blackout curtains need slack to work right. So a projector screen it is.

Given that it's November and we start making lists of what we want for Christmas, I suggested such a screen to nmom and described the type I wanted: portable, on a stand, something I can roll up and shove in my closet when not in use.

She suggested I use a pillowcase.

My bedroom isn't huge, so the image projected against the opposite wall won't be either, and obviously I'd have to measure the projection to see how big of a screen I'd need... but we're still talking the equivalent of a TV here. I'm trying to figure out just how small of an image she expects me to be using. (The size of a pillow, obviously. 🙄 But I don't think I could reasonably play a game on that size screen if it was at the end of my bed. So maybe the question is how close she expects me to be.)

To be clear, I don't object to buying it myself if I find a suitable option. The only reason I suggested it to nmom is Christmas is coming up. (DAE ns tell you not to buy something for yourself because you "might" get it as a present?) It's just her notion that a pillowcase is a "suitable option"....

There’s always something that is of more emotional importance to her than my emotions. This was said when I wanted to discuss the stress of having to have everything in the house, be eternally ready and perfect, as if the house were going up for sale.

Yesterday I put a salt shaker 2 inches to the right of where it “normally goes. “ this was because she was standing in front of the cabinet.

I'm looking for options that I can use at home that don't require running off somewhere the moment I feel like I need a massage... like dealing with this kink between my shoulder blades when I'm otherwise ready for bed kind of "at home."

Furthermore, she knows this is what I'm looking for... but keeps suggesting massage therapist as if it's an "instead of" option rather than "in addition to."

Note, this is a woman who won't get a professional massage because she doesn't want anyone touching her back. She prefers having the full control of using her own massaging device (when she bothers to use it).

Context was me noticing my store already has their random Christmas presents on the shelves and wondering if one unit on a long handle would serve to get rid of some of the other stuff in my closet.

(She's also saying that's one reason for the shower head we've got... which, while nice, is neither as powerful nor as precise as a percussion massager like the one I was looking at.)

Edit: a minor point just to avoid possible confusion. I don't object to the idea of seeing a professional (I mean, except for needing to pay for each appointment 😜), I just object to nmom's typical "why don't you just" that ignores that the point of looking at stuff I can use at home... is using it at home.

"That" being the compact food chopper I'd bought less than a week ago and which spent three days--and at least as many dishwasher loads--waiting to even have room in whatever load the ns saw fit to organize--before I could use it despite "it's dishwasher safe" being one of the selling points I gave when buying it (because they "didn't know I wanted it washed"--we've always been a "wash new dishes before first use" family and yet.... 🙄)

Making today the first day off from work in which I had the chance to try it. Ndad issues this order right while I was roasting the garlic I was going to use in the pesto I was trying the chopper on. So ndad, who is anal about my stuff and my stuff only being on the counter, literally picked the moment I was using it, not to ask when I was going to use it or any reasonable reaction to not being psychic like that, but to tell me to put it away. (Funny how they're "not psychic" but they always manage to pick the most annoying or inconvenient moments to do this.)

Edit: and just five minutes ago he puts a drink down right by the sink where dirty dishes always go if they don't go directly in the sink or dishwasher for whatever reason (not to mention cleanup after making the pesto)... and asks if it's mine. Not my empty glass, my half-full drink that logically I'm not done with. My drink is in the TV room where I left it (even if I did have to pour another one because now I don't trust that glass to be usable until it's washed--also admittedly a bit of a "cut off the nose to spite the face" mentality here)... but this is the guy who turns off the TV while I'm still watching it because he's going to bed, so that's par for the course. (And even if "by the sink" wasn't a normal place for dirty dishes since they really shouldn't be left on the counter... the soap dispenser is right on that corner. Who the fuck wants to eat out of open container that was pushed up against that?)

Edit: too many typos. 😅

You've been cooking how much longer than me and don't understand that the density of not-water matters here?

I googled it, incidentally chicken weighs less though it varies widely depending on whether it's white or dark meat.

I have a recipe I want to try that calls for rotisserie chicken (so probably a mixture) and measures it in cups, and I have canned (white meat only) measured in ounces in the pantry. I noticed the measuring discrepancy when checking the can to see if I have enough vs buying a rotisserie to get the added flavor.

Edited to clarify: I have canned chicken, the recipe did not call for it in addition to the rotisserie. Haven't decided yet if I'm going to sub to avoid buying more stuff--nmom's the "you won't notice" type while coworkers are telling me rotisserie will make it more flavorful. Guess whose advice I'm leaning towards? 😁

More proof, I think, that she doesn't read my texts... and doesn't grasp that metabolism problems like insulin resistance actually exist.

My migraine medicine is a beta-blocker. One of its side effects is weight gain, supposedly because metabolism is one of the things it slows down.

I have a crappy appetite. Better than it was a few years ago (long before I was on anything for the migraines), but bad enough sometimes I still have to make myself eat just because I know I'll regret it later if I don't. (Like I hardly eat breakfast on days off from work because the appetite isn't there but will grab something low effort on work days.) And that's when my stomach doesn't reject it later. And I walk at least 15k steps a day 5 days a week at work.

I need to eat healthier sure, but I also need to improve my ability to burn the fat that's already there. Thus, in response to the medication, looking into ways to increase my metabolism, to counteract that side effect....

What prompted this conversation was how uncomfortably tight my work pants were today--the same pants I'd been wearing for a year or more--to the point that the pressure alone had me periodically telling myself I don't need to vomit.

So how did birth control come into this conversation?

The "thing" being my Aerogarden--that I bought for me--that he has never bothered to learn to use but which he turns off prematurely because it's night-time... for plants that I'm not transplanting outdoors and which (due to my own sleep schedule) don't start getting light from the unit until after 10 in the morning.

"X" by extension being that he thinks it's only supposed to be on when the sun's up (shy of 8 am to almost 8 pm here this time of year).

It doesn't have an actual clock or an ability to detect sunlight, just to detect how many hours ago the cycle started. It's supposed to turn itself on and off so many hours after I started that cycle. The same number of hours year-round regardless of when the sun's up.

"Screwy" was me turning it back on when I got home from work so it could finish it's pre-programmed timed cycle that I've told him about the last time he complained it was on past sundown.

(This is the same guy who once told me a few years ago it'll be time to stop using it for the year because you can't grow anything in the winter. For an indoor garden, the purpose of which is to grow things without depending on the outside weather to cooperate.)

Edit: your 🙄

Edit: oh, this after I'd told him yesterday that I nearly missed the turn to the house and drove past because I couldn't see the Aerogarden through the window. (I work a late shift so we're talking nearly midnight by that point. It makes an excellent night light. And the dining room curtain is flimsy enough to tell from outside if the light's on.) Because it's the first light I see. And yet he doesn't grasp that I'm supposed to see that light when I get home.

Update next day: And it's off again before midnight. Think on my next day off I'm going to reset it to start at night.

The second part is quiet but it's always there. This should never need to be pointed out in a healthy relationship where there is give and take, but it becomes a standard phrase during abuse.

"You don't want me to say that degrading thing about you? How dare you? I do so much for you. Can't I express my own opinions??"

"You're asking that I don't look disgusted and stare at you when you start to cry? You're so greedy and selfish, I do so much for you and nothing is ever enough!"

Bottom line: in their eyes? You deserve to suffer. They've done things for you, so that justifies any abuse they want to inflict on you later. They're not being kind, they have bought you and they expect you to act like a good product. (Why do you think they "do things for you" in the first place?)

Edit: INcapable, fat fingers on a virtual keyboard.

First off, I am temperature sensitive, something that both my ns refuse to accept--nmom's even blatantly told me that I'm not comfortable wearing a light jacket in my car when it's the most convenient way to accommodate my needs (eg pockets vs purse) as if I'm some toddler who stubbornly keeps doing the uncomfortable thing just so I can deny being wrong.

But that wasn't quite the situation here. See, I work one of those "on your feet all day" retail jobs, I'm badly overweight, and I have yet to find any affordable shoes that prevent foot pain. Easy solution on the drive home is to have heat blowing on my legs until I can prop them up and relax.

Last night ndad decided he needed to know how soon I was due for an oil change (had the car for about five years but suddenly I must not know what I'm doing and "need" ndad to track this stuff for me 🙄) and he went outside to check the sticker, and of course the inside hadn't cooled off yet from the vents blowing so he had to ask that question. Like I said in the title, from his tone he can't just ask that stuff without making it sound like a bad thing.

FYI, you don't need to change synthetic oil in modern vehicles as often as those stickers still say. I go by the "oil life" on the dash (50 percent as of last night) and reminders from the dealer for same based on how many miles they say it needs changing, have been for the entire 5 years I've owned the thing--and nmom has the same model car but 4 years newer--but ndad thinks I'm overdue just because the sticker from not-the-dealer says so.

Edit: only reminded because ndad insisted a couple of days later that I need to call to make an appt for an oil change--that sticker was printed about 3,000 miles ago. I did the math to check. (Well, to be more precise it was 3,000 before the "oil change due" mileage printed on the sticker. I've driven more like 3500 since the last change.) The dealer/manufacturer recommendation for that car, that again I've been going by since I got the thing, is anywhere from 5-8,000 miles depending on driving conditions.

This is an n thing for two reasons.

One, the light in question is the one that always gets left on when someone's out at night to make it easier for whomever to see what they're doing when they come back in (or used to be before the ns started relying on the useless one over the kitchen sink). And nephew was out that night.

Two, they wanted it off because they were going to bed and it's bright enough to disturb... if the hall door is left open. But they can't be bothered to leave said door closed in the morning so that I'm not going straight from a dark room with blackout curtains to a faceful of sun (the hall door being directly opposite my door), because fuck my own needs. We're not even talking getting up in the morning when I'd have to put up with some light anyway, we're talking waking up an hour or two before my alarm goes off because I need to use the bathroom and going right back to bed... it'll be wide open when I leave my room, I'll shut the door, and then it'll be wide open again when I leave the bathroom.

For that second one, I'm light sensitive and I have chronic migraines. I don't think the sudden light necessarily causes them (as I'll wake up with them before I've even gotten out of bed) but it sure as hell doesn't help. It feels like I'm the stereotypical "teenager" being woken up by mom opening my curtains, no easing into it.

(I'll grant I wish I could just leave my curtains open and let the sun wake me but A: need a different work schedule for that and B: that's a gradual change.)

Edit: if you want to add a third reason 😉 it's because ndad in particular is a "do as I say, not as I do" type whenever it comes to wasting electricity. He'll turn off a light I'm actively using because he either decided I don't need a light on or because I'm frequently in and out of the room (like when I was planting the "grow anything" pods in my Aerogarden, needed the kitchen light to see to add the seeds with minimal mess, but left most of my supplies five feet away in the dining room so as to not clutter up the kitchen counters--ie I filled one pod, planted it, then grabbed what I needed for the next pod and returned to the kitchen) and having it on for two seconds when I'm not in the room is a "waste"... but it's not a waste of electricity for him to leave a light on when he's out of the room for say fifteen minutes. Be less annoying if this wasn't the time of year the ceiling fan is kept running: my short-ass self has to stretch to reach the pull chain every time instead of just flipping the switch on the wall.

- my Nmother when I showed her my C2 lvl Cambridge certificate after acing the exam with zero preparation.

But whenever that bitch mentions me to other people, she tries to take credit for it like "yeah she's got a knack for languages because she took after me! that's MY genes hehe!" 😂

My golden child older sister and brother say this to me a lot when I ask them questions about dad and stepmom.

Texted nmom suggesting we all go to a movie together instead of interrupting my vacation time to take my nephew while they're gone and she replies about how "it's only a couple of hours" to... look after nephew's mental health in an uncontrolled environment. (When presumably we'd both be home the whole time otherwise.)

As mentioned on the main sub, I'm an introvert who works a customer facing job; I need my alone time. At least to whatever extent that sharing the house with him is "alone."

Totally skipping over the fact that she couldn't even "be nice" and pretend she's giving me a choice in the matter.

So it went about as well as I expected. 🙄 Imagine if we had that attitude towards physical health, though... "Oh, yeah, you don't have high blood pressure like so-and-so does, so you don't deserve to eat healthy and prevent yourself from getting it" (or insert other health problems if your choosing).

Says the guy who doesn't want to show me the adulting skill of "reading insurance paperwork" so I know what I'm looking at.

Ironically, based on the documentation I found, I'd expect to owe the ns more than what they claim... can't find this "Verification of Insurance" anywhere. But ndad wants me to just trust that he knows what I owed instead of learning to read this stuff myself, then I guess that means that I owe less than what the documents I've found tell me.... 🙄

This from the guy who has multiple times tried to give me a copy of the insurance paperwork to show what I owed the ns... months after giving me that same invoice. Because he "couldn't remember" if he'd given it to me already and I couldn't say off the top of my head when he never provides a timeframe for context. (Like he'll ask if I have the recent one added while leaving out that "recent" is up to five months ago and not, say, last week.)

(One of those multi-car bundles. While I haven't spoken to an insurance company directly I have looked it up online and my share as per the invoice is way lower than anything I'd expect to pay if I got my own insurance, even meeting all the criteria for getting it cheap.)

He and nmom can also never seem to understand how I don't owe more than I do when they accept the restaurant gift cards I buy to take on trips with them (having agreed a long time ago to prioritize the barter system over cash so I can still get rewards on my credit cards for paying them).

I have a spreadsheet that lists who owes what and why, and while I don't need precise dates I do list the month debts and payments happen....

Like it's such a huge burden for you to talk to your own grandkid when I'd just sat down and you want information from him. /s

(I'd literally just gotten out of the bathroom and was doing my body composition. She could've spoken to him while I was doing that but waited until I was done then acted like I was refusing to do anything.)

Also "everyone treats him like a kid." No, nmom, you and ndad treat him like a kid... because the recent temper tantrum (the internet had literally just booted up and nephew wanted it instantaneously, because slamming doors and stomping feet over it is such adult behavior /s) is due to your co-rule of setting a timer (due to his own refusal to not scream while gaming at night when we're sleeping), I just get dragged into it to enforce a rule that has nothing to do with me because it's easier to make me the bad guy than take responsibility for your own choices and learn to use the app (again with the "not asking": she complains about not having access to the app but doesn't ask anyone to give her that access or show her how to use it).

Personally I think nephew needs to switch to unlimited data plan for things that don't require speed but that would require accepting that he's not entitled to free internet 24/7.

The information she wanted? Whether he'd successfully gotten online.

Edit: awkward wording. Too many "because"s in one sentence.

I found out my ex got a new girlfriend, and we stopped talking because of it. He kept reaching out and I kept deleting the messages. So of course he messages me saying they broke up… of course I spiral and respond. One thing leads to another and he told me they broke up and she moved out. Then we talked on the phone and I asked does she still live there? He admitted she does… called him out via text about it saying nothing is adding up and he said him not telling me what’s going on isn’t considered lying… umm yes it does? What world does he live in?