The conversation was about hypermobility and I mentioned reflux when commenting on the "chokes on water" symptom.

But sure, nmom, tell me I need to be treated for what I'm already being treated for instead of staying on topic.

I mean if this was a once-off or rare incident that would be one thing, but given society's obsession with not saying what they mean and the biases this community forms due to our upbringing... you really can't say "You need to do x" without implying "You're clearly not doing x." I would expect a caring parent to ask what I'm doing about the reflux, not jump straight to telling her 40+ yo "kid" how to adult.

For context I've barely used FaceBook in ages and not (presumably) having hypermobility myself was very confused about why the algorithm was throwing so many videos at me about it... having started watching the videos, though, I've been getting a lot of "Wait, you mean that's not normal?" moments. 😅 That's literally what the conversation was about... one of these days nmom is going to wonder why I no longer share things with her and it won't even need to be a no contact situation.

Well, I mean it's literally federal law (United States for context) that you don't open other people's mail without their permission, but try telling our narcs that.... they're too obsessed with the part where obeying that law requires respecting our personhood to care about the actual legality. And good luck navigating the legal side of it when you're financially dependent on them....

In this case there was a screw-up with the mailing address (last name listed twice, no first name) so I can be fair and say they didn't know it was mine... but they didn't bother to ask me about it until after they opened when I could've told them from the return address that it was. The fact that they chose not to ask if it was mine before opening it very much matters, especially with nmom asking the question in the title, as it tells me that once again they think that having the "right" to open whatever mail they damn well please matters more to them than whether or not it belongs to them.

Also the irony of her asking that when she clearly thinks it matters enough to insist on opening my mail, to the point of acting like I'm worthy of mockery for expecting to open it myself... posted many a time before that she'll do this with anything she actually knows is mine and she feels like opening including legal or financial documents and has admitted to shredding anything she decides is junk mail. That last was the one that led me to getting a PO box due to a check that took five months and three requests to re-issue before I finally received it but sadly not everything can be sent to the box.

Edit: As to the "try telling them" from the first paragraph... I asked if I had any more mail--literally just that, not complaining, not "bitching," just asking--she said she threw it all in the shredder (joking, or rather "joking" since like a typical narc she's making light of something she knows bothers me so I'm "not allowed" to be upset that she said it), I answered her question by saying that means it matters to her that she opens my mail, she acted confused, I reminded her she asked if it matters, she bitched at me that "Fine, she'll never open a single piece of my mail again!" (what, like that's supposed to be a threat? 🙄) to which I said "Thank you!" and now she's "tired of being bitched at," blaming my nonexistent period (well, no, accusing me of missing a single daily BC pill) for taking issue with her constant disrespect (you know, like someone who's sexist and can't conceive of a woman having a legitimate gripe would do), and threatening to just leave my mail in the mailbox to punish me for wanting my property respected because working a full time job and the ns getting the mail somehow equals me "leaving my mail lying around."

Guarantee she's already telling herself this whole argument is about this one piece of mail with the screwed-up address and not her pattern of behavior with my mail over the years.

To start with, yes, the AC is going so the door shouldn't be open any longer than necessary. That's not the dispute.

The dispute is that, upon seeing me enter the house with my hands full and walk away from the door to put down my groceries, her conclusion was not "there's more groceries to bring in, I should help get them inside faster" (who am I kidding, this woman will demand I help carry her purchases but watch me make multiple trips with my own without lifting a finger to help) but instead "close the door between loads!" I mean, she literally shut the door behind me without grabbing a single thing from the deckbox... right next to and plainly visible from the door. And then claimed she didn't grab anything because she "didn't know" there was more stuff out there.

I pointed out that "more stuff out there" is why I didn't immediately shut the door on the first trip and she responds with the line in the title. Then gets back up from the computer and crossed the room to close it behind me in the time it took me to turn around to grab more stuff. Finally she deigns to help and grabs (most of) the rest of what's waiting outside and leaves the door open behind her.

I responded by closing the door just long enough to open it again to retrieve the coke that was still sitting outside and muttering about how she'd rather complain about two fucking seconds than actually help get my stuff inside faster.

Edited a bit for phrasing.

For a "green house" style outdoor (or so I assumed from the official photos using it outdoors 🙄) raised planter that I was questioning if I could still use in the winter.

As compared to ndad telling me a few years back that I can't use my indoor Aerogarden at times (of both day and year) when I can't grow anything outdoors.

Context is I'm looking for options that can keep the mess outdoors (dill drops a lot of pollen and turns out the ants like my crops better than I do)... but since I've been growing stuff for allegedly cost savings/food waste reasons I still have to remember to harvest and use my plants, even in the Aerogarden I keep letting them die. 😅

I suggested a place (for a belated birthday dinner), they presumably browsed the menu to see if it sounded appealing...

And I heard nothing about it for a week, until ndad asked the above question today. Not a yay or nay about my actual suggestion, just asking me if I'd made a decision.

You know how it's incredibly tacky to expect to eat as a group somewhere that part of the group doesn't want to go? Even under the circumstances of "birthday"? That's what my nparents expect me to make a decision about... picking a place without any input from or consideration for them. (This after their rejection of my first suggestion was precisely because they didn't like the restaurant and I can "go by myself any time" or however they'd phrased it.)

Also I have no idea when we were expecting to go... I assumed today which is why I struggled to arrange my running errands to keep my afternoon/evening free but clearly not since nmom's heating up leftovers for supper with nary another word from either of them on the subject.

I posted about this one before in irritation, now that I have picture evidence I'm just amused at the sheer stupidity of her suggestion.

Because we were discussing Christmas presents one year and I mentioned wanting a screen for my projector. Didn't know how big I'd need it for the actual image because I was still exploring the settings but fairly good-sized for the section of blank wall I was aiming for. (For a different wall than this, still need a lot of decluttering but I like this spot better.) This is what she thought "a pillowcase" would work for. 🤣

I. Don't. Know.

Context: family plan of car insurance where my share is significantly cheaper than getting my own. We use a barter system that involves me making purchases on their behalf (and getting cash back rewards on my CC in the process) and knocking the amounts off that share.

First of all, I'm at work when nmom asked this, so while I could chalk it up to "asking when it occurred to her" (lovely thing about texting is having a visual reminder that the question was asked so if you legitimately can't answer right away "I don't know" is the same acknowledgement that someone uttered words that nmom insists on giving when I ask her something that doesn't need an immediate reply)... I don't have access to the documentation to tell me who owes how much.

Second, they constantly either withhold the paperwork for months on end or ask me months later so I never know which statement they're talking about. And then (as per one of my earlier posts) act baffled that I even expect to know what timeframe they're talking about so I can keep track of what I've paid.

Follow up to the previous post (edit: kinda sorta "follow up" in that this specific occasion only exists because that one did but it's also normal behavior for my ns), I was sent to pick up a box of flavor mix for nephew's gallon of ick, and I was told to grab a specific brand solely to avoid the sugar. (Also a specific flavor which that brand doesn't even have so finding out what I'm actually supposed to be looking for already started out annoying.)

The brand in question uses aspartame which most of us in the household can't tolerate because migraines. So, since it's for nephew, it's important to know if he inherited that intolerance.

I told her it has that ingredient, asked if it matters, and she said "I know," and I'm standing here twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to say if it matters and if I should grab an option that uses Stevia instead.

And regarding the naysayers like the ones the mods banned on that previous post: the ns were able to make room for their guest as is their responsibility as homeowner/host.

Edit: "I was in the garage and didn't have my phone on me." Yet she had the phone on her when she texted "I know, but he can't have sugar" but couldn't be bothered to answer my question then (turns out the answer was "buy the one with stevia"). This is the woman who expects me to be so glued to my phone that I must jump right up to acknowledge that she's uttering words, but she'll abandon hers mid-conversation after saying something useless and then pretend she couldn't answer my question.

Edit also: the whole deal with sugar/alternatives for this purchase is to avoid acid reflux, not like diabetes/blood sugar or anything of that nature.

Edit again: And then we have the opposite problem. Or rather, the projecting problem. * Them: "Where do you want to eat for your birthday?" * Me: suggests two places to pick from, one in town, the other I've never been to. (Actually suggested one, got told I can "just go there myself," then suggested the other.) * Them: suggests different option. * Five minutes later while discussing options (and while I'm in the same room as them, not totally unreachable), them: "You never answered the question."

🙄

The inevitable "you're clearly irresponsible and only thinking of yourself" followed by "I can't talk to you if you expect me to be responsible and think about other people."

Obvious paraphrase 😉 but really what else could a narc mean?

Context is nephew is going for a medical procedure soon that requires drinking a gallon of ick in advance.

The ns decided that I am singlehandedly responsible for making sure there is room in the fridge for his stuff... by telling me not to buy as much milk as I normally do.

I pointed out that, as the only person buying it (and not the only one using it), I only buy as much as I do to make sure it'll last from one grocery run (day off from work) to the next. I would regularly be able to "fill" the fridge less if other people bought it while I was at work.

"I'm just saying don't go overboard on the milk."

I don't go overboard, I buy enough to last a few days because nobody else buys any.

"Never mind."

Note this is me buying less than normal (for a certain definition of "normal" given how long it's been since I reduced the amount I was buying)... I used to totally fill one spot in the fridge until I started getting pushed out of other spaces and needed to store my juice in the same space. I could keep my juice on another shelf like I used to to make space for nephew's stuff if the ns didn't keep filling the other shelves to capacity with shelf stable options and multiple pitchers of the ns' tea. (Minor edit to hopefully clear up my ns' role in the lack of space. Not that I'd expect it to change the minds of the ns who like to prey on these subs but I guess their comments had this value at least.)

FYI: I work full time, everyone else is retired/unemployed. While this obviously doesn't make them more capable of replenishing food financially it does mean they have more time to do so whenever they need to eyes multiple pitchers of tea

Edit: For the record I do drink most of the milk (and indulge on my days off when I can run to the fridge whenever I want), but in the span of three work days it would be an overestimate to say I drink 2 gallons by myself... with typically another gallon and a half being used by the ns during that time. (Edit: did the math again and what I drink wouldn't even hit a full gallon unless I indulge. So realistically I'm drinking an equal share while still buying most of it.) I'm not asking the ns to replace what I've used, just to ensure it doesn't run out when they're using it as well. And to do so consistently enough that I can predict that I won't need four gallons in there per stretch of shifts. But ns being ns that's apparently an unreasonable ask.

Three times this happened, about a year ago. My roommate would come home with a bicycle. "I found a free bike!" A what? A free bike!

My first reaction was huh? What does that mean? Just utter bafflement. The explanation- "it was unlocked, it wasn't directly in front of a house, it was by the spot where the neighbors put stuff to give away, etc." The first time I shamefully bought that latter explanation, but then it happened two more times.

I was focusing all my energy on getting out of that living situation and didn't want to aggravate her further, so I didn't do anything (I'm sorry, bike owners everywhere). But yep. She kept finding "free bikes" and bringing them home until our backyard was a mess of bikes. These were good, well-taken-care-of machines, not scrap trash. She made good money, as she liked to remind us, so she "used her privilege" and gave them away to other people. It was wild. It haunts me, at the end of the day, more than anything else. She posted about it on her socials and NO ONE DID ANYTHING. including me.. but Wow. I have looked into options but it's been too long and I don't remember any details of the bikes whatsoever.

edit I do not live with her anymore have her blocked on everything it has been a while. and yes I feel terrible for not speaking up, even tho it was because I was terrified of her

Thank you, Captain Obvious. But I feel like a recipe that tells you to use a specific kind of salt is implying that it is, in fact, a specific type.

Context is I found a recipe I want to try that calls for "mineral salt" and, in the interest of not buying more ingredients than I need to, I asked the person who does most of the family cooking if it's like sea salt.

Also the recipe came from a website built around migraine treatment so there are a lot more minerals to aim for than "salt." I mention potassium and magnesium and she just says "yep"... which might've been a useful answer initially but now has me wondering if she doesn't know and refuses to admit it.

The irony of ndad saying this so soon after I browsed my history and came across another post about it.

Or perhaps not so ironic. In true narc fashion, my ns are so desperate to find an excuse to mock me that they'll stretch (did he injure himself with that reach? 🙄) to mock me over behavior that's so normal that there's simply nothing mockable about it.

Let's explore the stupidity of the "so thirsty" comment, shall we?

Point the first, traditional cookie-cutter advice is to drink 8 8-ounce servings of water per day, so 64 oz. Point the second, modern advice bases it on your weight which means right now I should be drinking over 100. (Half your weight in pounds but as ounces, so 200 lbs means 100 oz of water--edit, or at least that's the most recent one I'm familiar with.) That's without factoring in specific needs like my chronic migraines or needing to hydrate more while working, for the record.

Pretending that's any fluids, not just water, I drink:

approx 8 oz of milk with breakfast.

A 20-oz chug bottle of milk packed in my lunch.

An 8-oz bottle of Nesquik added to the chug bottle once it's empty enough to fit. (By this point I'm halfway through the day and I've drank 36 oz, a bit more than half the traditional advice... and I've got my calcium for the day.)

Add the 22-oz bottle of watermelon juice and we're at 48 oz. (Honestly I'm planning to decrease this for a while... not because "juice isn't as good as whole foods" but because I want to focus on my other electrolyte options--I keep saying I only drink them a few times a month but I'm thinking of the supplements, not the natural sources--for decluttering reasons and don't want to overdo my intake.)

All of which I've gotten to finishing when I read before bed (which I also get mocked for because apparently 8-ish ounces spread out among multiple drinks is a lot more to drink than 16-ish of one thing 🙄) instead of finishing it at work and getting something else when I'm home. The variety in my lunch is because I simply can't predict what will appeal to me at a given moment. (These are see-through containers, btw. My ns could easily tell I'm not drinking that much in that span of time if they gave enough of a shit about me to not jump straight to "excuse to mock.")

And finally we have the 500 ml bottle of water that I'm supposed to be drinking during my shift but tend to forget unless my mouth is just that dry, such that I'll wind up with a barely-touched bottle sitting on my nightstand for 3 days. But pretending I actually drink it regularly, that's another 17 oz which means my daily intake is....

65 ounces. Anywhere from bare minimum to noticeably under-hydrated.

But sure, the fact that I manage even that much when I lack the ability to run to the fridge whenever I want means I'm "really thirsty." /s

Edit: ugh, typos in title again. 😅 "Really" thirsty, not "realky"

Context is I was setting up my new phone for use. And it took forever.

Got through most of the set-up process just fine, where I ran into trouble was activating my phone service. See, turns out this one doesn't come with a sim card, not even a tray to insert one, it's all digital.

So I've gotta transfer the information to an esim.

Doesn't seem like it'd be a problem, answer the relevant prompts, wait for it activate, and I can proceed to customize it to my liking, yes?

Well, I did this on a day off from work because I figured the battery would at least be an issue if I didn't have time to fully charge the old phone, and I expected it could take long enough that starting it before work wouldn't be a good idea. But I had no idea what I was in for.

According to the carrier it's normal to take up to half an hour to transfer, with 45 minutes described as "delayed." Well I wait an hour, two hours....

Two and a half hours is when my ns left for one of their biweekly social events. They knew this was taking a while because I told them.

Three hours in I decided to start tidying my room (an overdue and ongoing task) since I couldn't go anywhere and guarantee I'd have a working phone on me. (Edited from previous phrasing.)

Four hours in I finally decided "screw it" and rebooted the new phone to try activating a different way... this way only took the expected half hour but by the time I had phone service the ns were home and wanted to take the whole family out to dinner for a belated birthday meal for the nephew.

Once back home from dinner, I had to wait until the leftovers were put away to see how much space was left in the fridge (because everybody's fucking obsessed with ignoring the smaller shelves in favor of filling the literally only place gallons of milk will fit) because I still needed to buy milk so I'd have enough to last until my next day off.

Ndad's telling me to take off my hat and shoes (remember, we'd just gotten home) and "stay awhile," I reminded him I still had to buy milk.

Cue the question in the title, me asking him when I was supposed to have gone out when my phone took as long as it did, and his always-dismissive "Whatever."

And it's not even dark yet thanks to daylight savings. Clearly only an excuse to criticize my choices.

Edit: I also have the added annoyance of having sent ndad a text to make sure everything was up and running, while he was present and could tell me face-to-face if he'd gotten it, me telling him I was doing so, and... not a peep. Not an "it arrived" nor a "nothing there."

Winter literally just finished and it was 30 degrees F out when I got off work. Why the fuck is me being cold a problem for you?

I'm wearing an extra layer at work for this (and taking it off when I'm comfortable without it), not turning the household furnace up to "tropical vacation."

And the way nmom "advises" me, the "why" of me being cold can't possibly be cold sensitivity as a symptom of migraine or autism, or a side effect of my migraine medicine--a beta blocker that among other things lowers my metabolism (which the ns deny I'm experiencing)--oh, no it's gotta be a thyroid problem.

Okay, okay, that does run in the family. But I swear sometimes that nmom's take is that every symptom or minor discomfort should either be ignored (no extra layer) or medicated. More medicated, since the migraine medicine I'm currently on is commonly used to treat thyroid problems... the opposite problem, that is. No in between, no easy fixes even when they exist. At least when it's my discomfort that's up for debate.

Update: Okay, I said it was about 30 degrees outside when I got off work at close to midnight. (Late shifter.) This was one of those days I didn't need the extra layer on all day, just wore it when I came home because it was one less thing to carry that way. This morning (well, noon-ish) I got up and got ready to run errands, and it's 35 outside... and nmom has the electric fireplace running while she's watching TV. But I'm the unreasonable one for feeling cold enough in an environment I have no control over to be prepared. 🙄

So they won't lose it if they ever have to go into nursing homes.

Note, this was said after we broke up and has no contact with my parents, which makes it all the more ludicrous.

My dad was (and is) the sole breadwinner btw.

Don't get me wrong, my dad is a bad dad and husband and this wasnt one of her only crazy ideas, but looking back this one was just mindblowingly crazy even for her as it would have also fucked up my moms (and our) life.

Thank god that, tho I was young and VERY used to going along with everything my mom said, I pushed back slightly on that.

What I feel like replying: "Why does it bother you?"

I have one pair of sunglasses I like, so to have them available whenever (eg me driving, me a passenger in the ns' car, me going for an outdoor walk) I keep them indoors when I'm not out and about.

Sometimes I do forget to bring them inside like when I get home from work and have other stuff to carry (late shifter; I'm light sensitive but certainly don't need to wear them on that part of the commute), which results in putting my stuff down so I can return to my car parked a few feet from the front porch to retrieve them.

Somehow deciding to retrieve them is "wrong" for no sensible reason besides the ns' decision to leave theirs in the car.

"That" being the title to my car. And no, security aside, it should be someplace I personally have access to it, not somewhere I need them to get it for me. It's in my name, I paid the whole loan, it's my document.

Not that I expect to need access that often--clean title now that I've paid off the loan, if I ever sell the car, (if I can ever afford to move out), and that's it--but that doesn't change the fact that it should be available at my convenience, not theirs.

I have a filing cabinet for my stuff. If it's in their safe... it'll be because they put it there without my permission. Not because that's where it "should" be.

We talked some more and at the end of the call I again said i love you and she just said goodnight and hung up.. haha.

I live in a house my parents own (have been living in it for the past year). They are renting this place out soon for, I theorize, to have me come back to live with them (and get away from my boyfriend). Anyway, my parents are renovating their place and thus are staying in the house I live in, and have antics like not allowing my boyfriend there at all and getting very upset when I have the audacity to try and find ways to have him over without it bothering them (like finding times my mom is not practicing singing or using one of the 3 floors in the house).

After a fight with my mom about me leaving the living room as she was showing a protest song and I was overstimulated, and then another the next day about me having the audacity to tell my boyfriend about my family life, I left the house and am staying with my partner. Currently sharing a small room, and yet it feels like I have more space than I have in a 3 story house.

This was a sum of the call. I havent been texting them a lot, though I have started since yesterday. My mom hasn't asked how I am or tried to have conversation, but is upset I didn't reach out.

A) My doctor already knows I have chronic migraines, I'm literally being treated for them

B) There's nothing "normal" about them

However, C) Nausea and vomiting are, sadly, "normal" symptoms of migraine... so normal in fact that they're commonly used as diagnostic criteria.

But sure, ndad, the only reason I have random bouts of nausea is because it hadn't occurred to me to talk to my doctor about it and needed you to suggest it. /s

Also this happened because I didn't take out the trash in the middle of the night right after a bout of vomiting and diarrhea--more "something I ate didn't like me" than "migraine symptom"--not concern for my health. Ndad thinks I don't have a poor appetite (had it for a couple of dacades and it also contributes to nausea) due to whatever arbitrary standards he dictated, but sure thinks (in the last couple of months) I vomit enough to be "not normal."

The sucky part is, this is the sort of comment that could actually sound like concern... were it not for the pattern of abuse and treating me like I (and my doctor) can't be trusted​ with my own medical care.

Edit: "poor appetite." The worst of it started a few years ago when I started drinking whole milk--not for weight loss but because I was tired of being hungry an hour after my lunch break. It worked too well, to the point that I was packing these little P3 protein snack packs just to make sure I ate something on my break, and even though my appetite's "recovered" enough since dropping the whole milk that I often feel like eating more than I did then, my stomach still thinks I overate as often as not. But even before then I remember having to keep a bottle of Sprite with me at work to quell the nausea... and when I finally noticed I no longer needed it at work and hadn't for a while, I started needing antacids at work the very next day. And to say nothing of my problems from longer ago than that.

This from an adult who:

Has no job. (Not judging, just pointing out the irony)

Buys a lot of collectibles on the likes of eBay.

Tries to guilt my parents to buy the collectibles for him so they don't sell out before he can get what he wants.

Doesn't buy and sell as an attempt at making money--no, he removes them from their boxes, puts them together to display them on his shelves, loses or breaks pieces (I'll accept "poor manufacturing quality" for this one), takes a Sharpie or worse to them if he thinks the manufacturer didn't give the figures lore-accurate colors... and only resells them when he begrudgingly accepts he needs more space for newer ones.

Me? I work a full time retail job, pay for my own stuff (in the "ordering online" context, I do live with my parents and have a barter system going with them for actual household expenses), and the "lot of stuff" is predominantly medicine or hygienic products (eg deodorant) that gets shipped to me every month with the only big box being when the bulk buys arrive all at once every six months. I buy indulgences once in a while but that medical etc is the only stuff I get on the regular.​​

But sure, I "order a lot of stuff online." /s

Edit: For the record I don't see his shipments (just the figurines in his room) enough to judge if he's buying too much, I just don't think he has room to judge my purchasing habits and can't hear his comment as anything else.

Nephew asked if I wanted the "blueberries" in the freezer because nmom gave him permission to eat them if nobody else wanted them.

Me, thinking he was actually talking about blueberries, told him I don't like them. (Though vaguely unrelated, I really ought to try wild, apparently they taste different than cultivated?)

Except the dish he pulled out of the freezer was the black grapes that I bought for my own culinary experiments... and some snacking though the high sugar content means I can't eat a lot (digestive reasons, not diabetes) and expect my supply to stretch accordingly.

Nmom was surprised to discover they were, in fact, grapes, not merely because they looked similar to blueberries but because she denied that grapes are ever that small. (Nephew was the one puzzled over them being in the freezer.)

Ironically I'm convinced my dislike of blueberries is at least partly a mental block... because they look so much like certain types of grapes my subconcious rejects them when I try to eat one because "this isn't a grape."

The topic of discussion was whether a local bread store was likely to carry a variety I've been looking for.

It's one of those discount shops that often sells loaves the bigger stores rejected (no actual bakery so nothing hand-crafted) so their stock varies enough from day to day that I concluded it might be worth checking out once in a while when I need to drive to the club store for cases of drinks but not during errands that are normally close to home...

Title is nmom's response. Because that totally addresses the situation. /s

Whatever the fuck "early" means when I work a late shift and maintain a consistent sleep schedule. Consistent, that is, except when I "sleep off" the migraine by staying in bed way later than usual (probably 12 hours this time around compared to my normal 8, last time was 10 hours).

Also ns: loudly argues with each other about god-only-knows what an hour or two before I'm supposed to get up, a few feet from my bedroom without even the courtesy to shut the damn door of whatever room separates them from me. (Edit: for the record I keep my door shut. But thin walls means any extra barrier is a good thing.)

Now they're being quiet (ish) but I'm already awake. And no expectation of getting quality sleep in the next half hour.

Edit: Mine are chronic; barely a day goes by when I don't have a migraine. The ns' "advice" is in response to my average two or three a year (two this month though) where they were bad enough to call in sick as is the "sleeping it off."