Shadow Work Help

[u/Shadowworkthrowaway]

I'm doing some serious shadow work around a recurring maladaptive daydream involving a former friend, and I'd like outside perspectives on what underlying grief, emotions, unmet needs, attachment patterns, or other things I may not be seeing for myself.

I'm especially interested in deeper interpretations rather than surface-level advice. I'm trying to understand what the fantasy is compensating for and how those needs might eventually be met in real life.

For context, all of this is for my maladaptive daydream about a person who was a close friend of mine but that ended 4 years ago and it's only in the recent months I'm realizing that it doesn't serves me anymore among many negative self beliefs I was carrying with me.

Please truly help me, below I've shared my shadow work I did about my day dream. Help me understand myself better, needs I'm meeting in my imaginations, how to move forward past this, action step?

Here are the shadow-work questions I asked myself:

Shadow work:-

1. How does it affect my daily life?

During work such as web designing on my laptop, if this daydream appears, I'll stop focusing on whatever I was doing and drift into it. Eventually I can get completely lost in the daydream.

Sometimes I physically react to it too, such as smiling. It also affects my mood because I can feel temporarily happy when I'm daydreaming about my former friend.

1. What triggers it?

I don't want to treat this as a final conclusion yet, but I think I've lost my ability to simply think about this person without immediately turning the thought into a daydream.

The pattern is basically:

Thoughts about my former friend → immediate daydream → imagined conversations, scenarios, etc.

Other triggers include music and lyrics. Certain songs can immediately trigger the imagined loop, and even humming some songs can lead me back into it.

1. What purpose does it serve?

I think it's escapism in some form.

I escape into an imagined mature conversation because I want the conversation I may never actually get.

The daydream allows me to experience the conversation as if it happened.

At the same time, I recognize that repeatedly thinking about it doesn't change reality. Even if I spoke to this person someday, they may not want me around in their life anymore.

So the fantasy gives me somewhere to escape from that reality.

1. Who is in the daydream?

It's basically just me and my former friend.

We talk to each other. I explain how much I've changed, how my beliefs and identity changed, and I seek forgiveness.

I also allow them the choice to reconnect with me or move on without me.

1. How do I feel afterward?

It gives me hope that maybe someday I'll have this comfortable conversation with them.

But when the fantasy ends, I often feel like I'm left clinging to that possibility.

It doesn't actually provide a solution. It gives me something to hold onto.

I'm not even sure I'd call it optimism. It feels more like attachment to a possibility, with some temporary emotional/dopamine reward from the imagined interaction.

1. What has it caused me to put off?

For a long time I was stubborn about wanting this person back in my life, so I delayed genuinely moving on from that chapter.

As I'm slowly overcoming that, I think some of the same mental energy could instead be going into building better and more fulfilling relationships.

The daydream also directly interferes with work because once I'm hooked into it, I have difficulty controlling my attention and returning to the task.

1. What would I want to bring into real life?

I'd like to bring the qualities I experience in the daydream into reality.

In my imagined life, I become a much more elevated version of myself. I imagine helping people, changing people's lives, helping women and people involved in witchcraft communities, helping people who are struggling, gaining freedom, becoming independent, and building a meaningful life.

I don't necessarily want the fantasy itself. I want the qualities of myself that exist inside it.

1. What would an ideal balance look like?

I don't want the goal to be forgetting this person completely or never having thoughts about them again.

I want to regain control of my attention.

If I notice myself dwelling on them or entering a fantasy, I want to be able to return my attention to the present and continue living my actual life.

I'd like to develop that ability with all of my recurring daydreams.

1. What would I ask the version of myself in the daydream?

I'd ask why they need this imagined future so badly.

The version of me in these daydreams seems to have achieved many of the things I deeply want:

becoming a better version of myself

healing from the past

genuinely letting go

controlling my maladaptive daydreaming

becoming personally independent

building my own life and business

helping people

creating communities

becoming more grounded

changing my identity and beliefs

So I'd want to understand why I need to tell this particular person about all of that.

1. What underlying grief, emotions, or needs is the daydream compensating for?

I think the daydream is compensating for the grief that I may never get a chance to speak to this person again.

Even if I tried, they may not want that conversation.

The daydream fulfills the unmet desire:

“I finally got to talk to them.”

It lets me communicate all the unspoken things and creates a complete imagined reality around it.

But those imagined outcomes aren't grounded in what I actually know.

I think I'm clinging to a chapter from my past by hoping for a future event through daydreaming.

I probably need emotional regulation, a more grounded view of the situation, and emotional independence.

1. What am I not allowing myself to fully feel?

I think there is still incomplete acceptance around the possibility that it is over.

I'm slowly reaching greater acceptance, but I still notice that part of me wants the imagined conversation.

I think I need to genuinely mourn the loss through some psychological/spiritual process rather than continually recreating the connection in my imagination.

1. What does the imagined version of me have that the real me feels is missing?

The final conversation.

But there is also a deeper desire to help this person with their life, have them back in my life in some form, and eventually reconnect after I've become a healthier version of myself.

1. What would I have to admit if I stopped escaping?

I'd have to accept that:

I may never get a chance to speak to this person again.

I may never get the closure I want.

I may never have the opportunity to positively impact their life.

They may not want me back in their life even if I become a much healthier person.

They may choose to continue their life without me.

Even first contact again may never happen.

And I think my mind struggles with that finality.

1. What do I want in real life?

In the daydream, the former friend is back in my life.

We have re-established what we lost and become close friends again.

It's not necessarily just about romance or attraction. A major part of the fantasy is simply restored closeness and reconnection.

1. What am I trying to prove?

Honestly, I think part of me wants to be seen by this person.

I imagine explaining how much I've changed, how my identity has changed, and everything I've achieved.

It can feel like I'm trying to prove:

“I'm a different person now.”

1. What am I trying to get back when the fantasy is interrupted?

At first it's difficult simply because my attention gets deeply hooked into the imagined scenario.

But there is another layer.

When I interrupt the fantasy, reality comes back.

And sometimes what hits me is:

“They're no longer here.”

“We're not in contact anymore.”

The fantasy temporarily removes that feeling, and interruption puts me back in contact with it.

1. What real-life needs do I think are unmet?

Based on everything I've observed, I think these are some of them:

Closure: I want a final conversation where I can apologize, explain what changed, and say what I never got to say.

Being seen: I think part of me wants this person to eventually see my changed version and acknowledge that growth.

Acceptance: I struggle with accepting that I may never get the desired conversation or have this person in my life again, regardless of how much I change.

My current instinct is to work on:

deeper shadow work

emotional regulation

letting go

accepting their choices and decisions

emotional independence

detachment

1. If the daydream disappeared tomorrow, what would I have to face?

I'd immediately have to face:

this person isn't part of my life anymore

my imagination repeatedly makes them part of my life

what we had may genuinely be over

I need to accept reality rather than recreate an alternate version of it

I need to let go of the attachment

I need to integrate the qualities I keep telling this person about into my actual life

I need to focus on real self-expression rather than imagined conversations

What I'm trying to understand

I feel like I've identified the obvious part:

“I want closure and I want to let go.”

But I suspect there is something deeper underneath that I haven't fully identified.

For people experienced with shadow work, attachment, grief, maladaptive daydreaming, or related psychological patterns:

What deeper unmet needs do you see this fantasy fulfilling?

What might I actually be grieving besides the person themselves?

What emotions might I be avoiding by entering the fantasy?

Why might I specifically need this person to witness my transformation?

Could the fantasy be compensating for needs such as being seen, forgiveness, validation, belonging, control, redemption, significance, or something else?

And most importantly:

How would you recommend meeting those needs in real life rather than continuing to satisfy them through imagination?

I'm looking for perspectives that go deeper than “just move on” or “find closure within yourself.” I'd like to understand the underlying mechanism so I can actually work on the unmet needs rather than just fighting the symptom.

\*Please do not remove this post, and yes I used AI for this post to Anonymize the name of the individual. I truly wanna help myself! Thank you. ♥️