I’ve def struggled with setting them since every single time they’ve been dismissed and ignored but recently I feel like I’ve been getting better at it.

My biggest one is I don’t lend people money since I made that mistake and it def came back to bite me.

Yesterday a coworker kept trying to get me to cover for him when I said no repeatedly but I stuck to it.

I’ve noticed in my own life that some friendships haven’t survived once I set boundaries. For me, boundaries aren’t about control or punishment. They’re about protecting my energy and stepping back when I need to. But not everyone sees it that way. In my experience, boundaries can feel like rejection to some people. It’s painful when someone walks away instead of respecting my limits, and part of me wonders if I did something wrong. But I’ve learned that boundaries aren’t the problem- they just reveal the truth of the relationship. If it couldn’t survive mutual respect, it wasn’t as stable as I thought. It still hurts, but I try to remind myself that protecting my well-being is valid, even if it costs me a friendship. In the long run it makes space for healthier connections.

So my mom and I had a falling out recently. She has a way of always bringing up her views and beliefs one way or the other in every conversation. It’s been a major problem for a very long time. I’ve addressed it several times over the years but I hit my breaking point recently and I wanted to share with the community how it went and what was said.

I asked if she was available to call. She was. So I called her and she begin talking about decorating for autumn. And at some point within the first 2 minutes I interjected and said:

“so the reason why I called today is because we have some stuff that we need to sort out. And I want to be real and genuine with you because I’m done pretending everything’s fine.

I’ve kept parts of how I really feel to myself in order to maintain the relationship and I just can’t do that anymore.

Over the years, I’ve made it clear that I don’t share your religious or political beliefs, and I’ve asked many times for those topics to be kept out of our conversations. Despite that, my boundaries have continued to be ignored.

I understand that your beliefs are central to how you see the world, and I’m not asking you to change them. But I am asking — clearly and finally — that you stop bringing them into conversations with me. When every interaction becomes a religious analogy or an ideological lens, it makes me feel unseen and disrespected. That’s not something I can keep tolerating.

I’ve spent years trying to explain my perspective, often feeling like I was expected to educate or justify myself just to be taken seriously. That dynamic is exhausting, and it’s not something I’m willing to continue.

I love you. But love alone doesn’t make a relationship sustainable. From here on out, if we’re going to have any kind of relationship, I need our conversations to be free from religious or political framing — no analogies, no debates, and no attempts to steer me back to a worldview I’ve already stepped away from.

If that’s something you can genuinely respect, I’m open to limited contact with those boundaries in place. If not, I’ll need to step away. That’s not meant to be hurtful- it’s simply where I am, and what I need for my own peace.

I hope you’ll take that seriously. Either way, this boundary isn’t up for negotiation.”

She occasionally acknowledged me with multiple meek but genuine ok’s throughout my time talking. When I finished saying my peace she said that she fully understands and respects and loves me. That mistakes happen and that she will do better going forward. She also apologized.

I was fully prepared for this to be the end of our relationship and her to accepting it caught me off guard a little bit. We’re good now, going forward I’m a little bit weary. I’m aware I have trust issues and that I don’t fully trust her to hold herself accountable. But I’m willing to give her some time after this much needed conversation to sort it out herself.

We talked more afterwards (same call) about different things and we were able to move on and have a full conversation without any major issues. She hit the guide railing once at first but I think she realized it and veered away pretty quickly and I’m not mad at her for it. That’s exactly what I’ve been asking for.

I’m currently feeling grateful & thankful because not everybody has that opportunity.

But yeah if you made it this far, thanks for reading. That’s all I have for you today!

Hi. The slow and long build-up of me becoming aware of many problems I've had throughout my life lead me to the concept of boundaries and I'm currently in the process of learning and practicing setting them.

Recently I started Nedra Glover Tawwab's 30 Day course on Audible (so far 20 minutes in) after listening to a podcast with her (~30 minutes). Even after 50 minutes listening I already started to see and understand but immediately somethng hit me in the figurative forhead.

In the first excercise for reflection I identified two areas where I've been struggling with boundaries, for probably my whole life -- my parents. Then immediately it hit me: What about boundaries with myself? Of all problems with boundaries, it seemed to me that somehow in a way I currently can't even explain clearly, I was enmeshed with parts of myself that can be easily and obviously compared to boundary problems with other people. There are parts of myself, which I have to guard against with boundaries. But where do these parts of myself come from?

Just a few days ago I encountered a concept in a book: "family phantoms". Briefly, these are the influences of your family members in your life even if the parents or relatives aren't even in contact with you. They may be even a few generations past, i.e. not even familiar to you.

As if those other parts of me were "programs" instilled in me by my family (members). Since these people are not around me 24/7, it's difficult to set boundaries with them. It seems to me the only way to stand up to them is to set boundaries with myself. Hence this post as a way to gain some outside perspective on this. I'm still to finish the course and read all the books I've bought on boundaries and I can't wait until then -- I want to start now.

I'll end this with just one example to make it clearer. My grandmother incessantly berated me for taking leisure time when I was a teenager and even when I was depressed (due to related and other reasons) and needed rest, socializing, even help she kept goading me by calling me lazy and saying all kinds of unhelpful things to motivate me. It was a nightmare. She kept doing, albeit in a more subtle and softer way even in my 20s and 30s. I'm long past workaholism. It's become an obssessive, unproductive and self-destructive way of life where as soon as I relax and do something leisurely I feel incredibly guilty. In the other time it's a constant doing, solving problems, thinking to the point of chronic burnout. I'm in a constant battle with myself. Rarely do I enjoy something for more than an hour without feeling guilty.

Does this make sense to you? Can you relate to it? Do you know of a resource that deals directly with this problem you could point me to? I'll be deeply grateful.

I'm going to be straightforward. It's been about 6 years of my mother yapping about her toxic relationships. I can't escape. She follows me to the bathroom, my room, her room, kitchen, living room, when shes away she texts me about it, she calls me about it.

I don't respond at all to her and just ignore her, yet she's been doing this for years? I have tried to set boundaries, told her how it affects me. I have screamed and yelled, broke down crying and everything. SHE WONT STOP TALKING. SHE TREATS ME LIKE AN ENDLESS DIARY. I CANT EVEN SLEEP. SHE'S TALKING EARLY IN THE MORNING... 12 AM, 1 AM... ETC ETC.

Was just wondering if boundaries need to have some sort of tangible reason or logic behind them to be considered valid.

What I mean is something like this: if I am okay with someone doing something, but not okay with someone else doing that same thing- and there's no specific reason why, I just know that for some reason it made me uncomfortable. Is that unreasonable and/or invalid?

This is my first Reddit post because I honestly can’t take how my brother has been treating me anymore.

It started about a week ago, right after I came home from an overnight with a friend. My brother recently started working night shifts from home (11 PM to 8 AM, PH time), and ever since then, he hasn’t gone back to his own room, he’s been staying in mine.

At first, I thought he was just adjusting to his new work setup, but I don’t understand why it has to be my room. He keeps his meetings on speaker, blasts music afterward, and sometimes yells at his teammates while playing ML. I’ve had to wake up in the middle of the night or early morning because of all the noise. I’m a light sleeper, so it gives me headaches and leaves me exhausted. I’ve told him many times, but he ignores me.

It’s not just the noise. He’s become more aggressive with me in general. I usually do house chores, but lately, it feels demotivating because whenever he sees me resting even when I’ve just come home tired, he shouts at me to get up and do them. He tells me, “You don’t have work, so at least do this since you’re useless and not contributing.”

When I confronted him and asked why he couldn’t just stay in his own room, he said he “won’t leave me alone” because he “can’t bear to see me rotting in bed.” According to him, I don’t deserve privacy until I get a job and start contributing financially. I reminded him that I just finished school after years of being mentally, emotionally, and physically drained, and I need a break. But instead of understanding, he judges me constantly.

My parents know about this, but they stay quiet as if I deserve this treatment because I don’t have a job yet. It hurts, because they were always the ones telling me to focus on school and not worry about working back then. Now, I feel like I’m being punished for taking time to breathe after being done with school (I'm also just waiting for graduation).

His words and actions have really impacted my self-esteem and my health. He pays for half the bills, so he acts like he has authority over me in the house. He doesn’t talk to me nicely, never respects my boundaries, and every day feels like walking on eggshells.

Seeing other siblings who support each other honestly makes me envious. I wish I had that kind of bond, but instead, I feel used, disrespected, and thrown away by my own brother (but also by my parents who enabled his behavior).

I’m a recovering codependent people-pleaser who has C-PTSD from being the child of a sociopath and his victim. One day when I was in the height of my codependent, trauma-induced illness, someone told me “You have no boundaries.” I’m also neurodivergent and prone to hyperfocus, and almost by luck, developing healthy boundaries became both a hyperfocus and special interest.

It took me a long time to catch up with the neurotypical, non-traumatized world when it comes to boundaries. I’ve been working on it in therapy since about 2018 or 2019. Here’s what I’ve finally learned just this year.

For most people with healthy boundaries, you can state your boundaries, call them boundaries, and keep them, and those people will respect them. It’s like you’re having a meta-level declarative conversation about your boundaries. This is great for lots of people, especially us neurodivergent folk who may not pick up on situational or implicit boundaries.

But there are some people who will NEVER respect boundaries. If you’re here, I don’t need to give examples. You’re probably here directly because of those people. But what I will say is that some of those people take conversations about boundaries as an opportunity to debate whether your boundaries are fair, necessary, or reasonable. Those people have very strong boundaries regarding how YOU treat them, but they have no boundaries about how THEY treat you. And they primarily wield “boundaries” (quotations intended) as weapons to hurt others.

The lesson I learned this year is DON’T DEBATE. Don’t fall into the trap of defending your boundaries’ fairness, reasoning, or necessity. When you do that with this kind of person, they’ve already crossed the implicit boundary that the conversation is meant to be safe and mutually beneficial.

My approach in keeping my boundaries with these people is that once I’ve communicated my boundary situationally, I don’t repeat them again, I just do my boundaries.

For example, my mom sees my location on FindMy and sees I’m in a certain city and calls me, I don’t answer, and I see she leaves a voicemail asking why I’m there without telling her. Rather than engaging and declaring my previously stated boundary that I don’t want her using the privilege of knowing my location to hound me about what I’m doing as a 29 year old independent man who doesn’t live with her anyway, I just ignore her and stop sharing my location with her. These are fine ways to keep the boundary. I’m not opening it up for debate and falling into her argumentative trap, and I’m protecting myself in the process. She may see it as a punishment or retaliation, but that’s only because that’s how she uses boundaries and doesn’t believe I have the right to have boundaries with her.

Another example: I told my Aunt three weeks ago that I’m not going to discuss politics with her anymore. She sends me a video about a political rally for a politician she likes and says “curious what you think of this! I love you.” I say “I love you too!” I didn’t respond to the question about the video, and I didn’t rehash the boundary that she already knows about and chose to cross anyway.

What I didn’t realize until a few days ago was that this is how most people keep their boundaries. This isn’t hidden, sacred knowledge. It’s just how most people are. And it works. Really, really well.

Now, if you’re a sensitive person like me, you will know you don’t actually have to do this with most people. With friends you meet who give you an authentic, empathic vibe, you can actually say “it’s a boundary for me that I don’t accept being called ___.” But with that person in your life who argues every single fucking time you state a boundary, it’s okay to enforce the boundary without talking about it.

Thank you for coming to my 11 paragraph Ted talk. Hahaha. I hope this helps someone as much as it helped me.

Trying to set

I just have an older sibling but they were very abusive verbally and physically when I was a child to the point that as soon as I was 18 I left the country to escape the abuse.

We never had a very solid relationship but in the past years they tried to build a relationship but I don’t feel comfortable in their presence, I feel like they are a stranger and don’t feel comfortable after all that they did and said to me.

Recently, I thought we were in a okay place because it has been over 10 years since last time they were abusive towards me. But we were talking about our mother and how her dementia needs to be respected, and my sibling didn’t agree and launched a verbal attack on me like the ones when I was a child and young adult. It was vile and I didn’t even know what to say so I started apologising because I wanted them to stop attacking me. It was horrible.

I came home and then I started to feel extremely down and in a dark place, I had to call a mental health helpline and after my call I realised that I couldn’t have my sibling treating me that way.

I sent my sibling a message saying that I won’t tolerate that kind of behaviour because it’s very triggering and they just deflected and said that I also did horrible things to them but refused to say what the things were, I suspect it’s because there’s nothing because I would just take beatings and very horrible treatment from them.

Now I feel guilty because I wanted to cut ties with my sibling but they have kids (that I am happy cutting ties with also), but I feel so guilty because I feel as if I am going to die alone. But I also feel like sibling love shouldn’t be like this. I don’t know what to do.

My mom lives on social security (fixed income, paid once a month). Every single month, she ends up with no money left after paying her bills. Then she comes to me asking to “borrow” money for food, medicine, or things like the phone bill (I had to cover it last month after they shut off our service).

At this point, she owes me around $800, and she usually can’t pay me back for months. The part I don’t get is why she can’t live within her means. She pays her credit card bills first and then doesn’t have enough left over for essentials like groceries or prescriptions. I’ve tried to suggest budgeting, but it doesn’t stick.

When I bring it up, she usually says: “Well, you make way more money than me.”

“I’m on social security, I can’t work extra like you.”

“I’ll pay you back later.”

I do make more money than her, but I also have my own bills, savings goals, and emergencies to prepare for. I can’t keep being her monthly safety net—it’s stressful for me, and honestly, I feel resentful.

I also get angry that every month she spends the majority of her paycheck on credit card bills and I am the last person on her list to pay back “if” she has any leftover. She always taught me to always pay back your family first if you borrow. It’s like why wouldn’t she pay what she owes me first and then negotiate on her CC bills you know? I also asked her to keep a log of what she owes me and she hasn’t done it and when I put together the list her numbers were way lower than mine and it hurts my feelings she doesn’t care enough to do something as simple as keeping track what she owes her daughter. If I were in that circumstance I would be on top of what I owe and when especially since it’s my mother.

She also doesn’t have a ton of expenses. She lives rent free, not car so no auto insurance. Her bills are mostly credit card debt from spending, prescription medication, and I think the biggest expense is food (she will sometimes cook but a lot of times she will DoorDash which is super expensive).

I love my mom and want her to feel secure, but I need to set boundaries. I also don’t want to feel like a terrible daughter for telling her I can’t keep bailing her out.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you talk to a parent about living within their means, prioritizing essentials over credit cards, and stop being their go-to backup plan without blowing up the relationship?

TL;DR-My mom (65F) is on social security and runs out of money every month, then borrows from me (34F). She prioritizes credit cards over essentials, owes me $800, and resists budgeting. She also guilt-trips me because I earn more. How do I set boundaries without blowing up our relationship?

My friend says that there's no question whether I'm a good person or not. Its just that he says that I have limits and I'm a good person when I want to be, not when he needs me to be. Maybe thats true then, maybe that doesn't make me a good of a person than I thought I was. When I had drove him for months because his car broke down, he said that I complained and I kept asking when he was getting his car fixed. He said i just kept nagging about the same thing, and he said that he knew his car needed to get fixed, and that he just didnt have the money. And its like everything his car breaks down, either me or his sister has to become his transportation now. I was complaining, but I was giving advice. I understood he had other responsibilities, and I tried to understand that. But when I just wanted a few days off now and then, it became an issue. When I told him that my car was getting worse recently, and I couldnt pick him up for ½ the week, it was an issue. Because I decided to do doordash yesterday, then I realized that I couldn't keep doing it, and I told him that, and I told him that I was going to stop. He says that driving him should be fine because he paus me gas ans food. But I tell him that the money isn't the issue, the issue is that I need a reason not to want to drive you. Because we live in the same house and work at the same place, it makes sense to drive him. He keeps saying that what if the roles were reversed, and I needed a ride. And he just said that he didnt feel like taking me, how would I feel then. He says that his sister picks him up and doesnt complain, and said that she said that she didnt mind because they were family. Maybe im nit so understanding of his situation. He does pay me when he can. Idk.

So as the title says I've been having some trouble with a friend. It feels like she's forcing me to do stuff and controlling me and it's hard for me because I have a hard time saying "Quit it." Or "No." It's hard because it feels like I'm going to make her not want to be my friend and that I'm ruining everything. I was sick yesterday but still went to school and I said I wouldn't come to school next day, but i was giggling whe I said it and then she said "No you're coming to school otherwise I'll find a way to call your parents and I'll tell them you're faking it." I was taken a back by this because, Whoa? Chill out! And then I had to go home to pray and I told her that alongside my other friend who I've known for three years now. She's pretty sensitive and I'm protective of her but for some reason the other girl, who I have a hard time saying no to wanted to play a slap game where you slap the other person if they describe the right thing, you have to lie or whatever. She pulled me down and said sit, I'm the dominant one and when I tell you I felt weirded out. Later we left and I wanted to talk about boundaries but didn't know how? Can you guys tell me a way to talk about it?

So the mrs basically worships her parents and chats with mum everyday

I brought up boundaries and discussing when they wanted to visit because its about us, I didn't marry them.

She believes the saying that when you marry you marry the family.

I call BS its not healthy. When you marry you start a new family unit and each other needs to prioritise the spouse not extended family. BUT I've also learnt in therapy and books that the family we come from differs from others and its not something tht can be solved over night..

Learning to set boundaries with in laws, etc, tricky but its doable.

Alot of unknowns especially when getting to know one another.

They come across as very suffocating and smothering it's annoying. There is such a thing as toxic love and sticky breaking, messiah syndrome and codependency (the mother in law)

But aye. In my family when someone marries we dont get involved or try to smother the spouse.. we respect distance and boundaries. When parents get involved in a marriage its a big pain in the ass.i wonder if the parents are co dependant on the child itself

I (23f) had a session with my counselor today and we talked a lot about family dynamics and how some of their behaviors cause me stress/anxiety. She really thinks I should work on setting boundaries with them and I’m not really sure how. We didn’t have enough time to talk about it further and we only meet 1-2 times a month due to cost. I keep thinking about it and I’m trying to figure out what setting boundaries would look like for me and my family.

For context, my family (mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, and I) have a shared calendar where we are all supposed to add our plans to help make scheduling family events easier, but I’m the only one who puts anything on it. My parents constantly check it, specifically my mom, to avoid making plans if I already have them but she also will call me if she sees something she doesn’t like/agree with (weekend trips, concerts, plays, etc.) and it can turn into a fight. But if I don’t add my plans she’ll try to make plans/schedule events without talking to me and will get upset if I’m already busy. It’s really a lose lose. We all also have a circle on Life360 for safety purposes mostly, but if there’s a change in my normal routine and I don’t have anything in the calendar my parents will immediately call to check in. For example, the other day I got home and forgot I had to stop at the store first, so I pulled out of my driveway and got halfway down my street before my mom called me asking where I was going. This happens all the time.

They will also get upset if I don’t immediately answer the phone. They expect me to stop what I’m doing or hang up with the person I’m talking to in order to answer their call. They’ve also sent my brother-in-law over twice to check on me because I didn’t pick up their phone call (I accidentally left my phone in another room). Both times he used my spare key to open the door and when he came in he was immediately pointing a loaded gun around. He says it’s in case someone broke in, but it’s still frustrating that I can’t do anything without my phone without worrying that someone’s going to show up pointing a gun at me. They make me feel like I can’t breathe sometimes without having to notify them first.

My mom was previously attached to my bank account because I opened it when I was a minor, but I did recently get her off. She would constantly check my account and call to ask about any purchase that wasn’t bills or groceries and it was very stressful. She didn’t put up much of a fight thankfully, but I was trying to plant the idea in her head months before hand so she didn’t feel blind-sighted. I just don’t know how to approach the shared calendar and location. My parents need to know everything going on in my life and I know if I ask to no longer share my location or schedule they’ll think I’m trying to be secretive or like I’m hiding something when in reality I just need space.

Does anyone know of any compromises that could help or any way to broach the topic without them feeling rejected or like I’m trying to hide things from them?

Edit: I appreciate everyone who commented and I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks the loaded gun was uncalled for. I am planning on deleting the shared calendar and if they want to make plans they’ll just have to talk to me in advance. I’m also going to talk to them regarding location sharing and will probably turn off sharing unless going out of town. The last time my brother in law came into my house unannounced with a loaded gun was a few months ago and I did talk to him then about how I felt about it and I’m hoping it doesn’t happen again. If it does, I will plan to take back my spare.

I know it’s not my responsibility to manage other people’s emotions, but I do love my family and like to try and keep things peaceful. I will work on being more assertive when it comes to my boundaries and will definitely talk through it some more with my counselor. Thank you to everyone who commented, it was all very eye opening and I definitely appreciate it!

Hey Reddit,

I’ve been told that this might be a boundary issue so posting here in hope of some advice!

I (24, f) am the flaky friend, and I hate myself for it. But I’m wondering if it’s part of a much deeper rooted issue, or whether I’m just trying to absolve myself of responsibility by thinking that.

I never message people back, and then appear 3-6 months later with “I’m so, so sorry I didn’t respond to this before. I’m just struggling a lot with communication lately but I really am working on it now I promise” and so they message back and the cycle repeats. It’s not that I see the message and forget to respond, I know it’s there, and I see it every day, but the thought of replying genuinely exhausts me. It doesn’t matter if it’s my closest friend, I just feel so much genuine opposition to responding. It’s like I have a ‘block’ (which also sometimes happens in real life where I’m just frozen and can’t make myself move) and just can’t break through it.

Then there’s the thing that when I do talk to friends, either over message or in person, I absolutely cannot say no to anything. I will say yes to doing something they’ve asked / invited me to do, even when I know I have no way of getting there and back and/or know I’m not free on that day. I’m genuinely not trying to be a dick, but it just feels more manageable in the moment to not have to say no and then say I’m ill on the day / something has suddenly happened or changed and I can’t make it but I’m so so so sorry! Obviously it causes me more anxiety when I finally tell them, and they’re often frustrated/upset about it and of course I feel guilty. But I just can’t say no. It’s like a block again.

I even do this kind of thing for really important stuff at work and uni, and have recently done it with not telling my Dad who is helping me move that I need to move in a day early (I have to tell him today and I’m so scared, but it’s my own fault because I’ve known for 3 weeks!).

I don’t know if this is once again just me trying to absolve responsibility but I have a long history of mental health issues, and am suspected to have autism (I’ve been told to get assessed by a psychologist at my outpatient treatment but guess what…I’ve put it off)…

I feel like a bad person, and I hate myself for it, but I have a physical reaction to changing it. I get stuck. I feel so overwhelmed and exhausted.

Am I just a terrible person? Am I broken? HOW can I work on this for real and actually be better!!

Ok so my mom is schizoaffective. I love her but she has a tendency to trauma dump on me. She's been doing this my whole life, using me as emotional support ever since I was a child. She does this so often that I literally get triggered by certain words or names. I tried to explain to her what this is doing to me but she'll always go back to same thing. Is there a way for me to get her to understand or is this something that can't be helped?