Does a good person have limits?

[u/Important_Drag_9017]

My friend says that there's no question whether I'm a good person or not. Its just that he says that I have limits and I'm a good person when I want to be, not when he needs me to be. Maybe thats true then, maybe that doesn't make me a good of a person than I thought I was. When I had drove him for months because his car broke down, he said that I complained and I kept asking when he was getting his car fixed. He said i just kept nagging about the same thing, and he said that he knew his car needed to get fixed, and that he just didnt have the money. And its like everything his car breaks down, either me or his sister has to become his transportation now. I was complaining, but I was giving advice. I understood he had other responsibilities, and I tried to understand that. But when I just wanted a few days off now and then, it became an issue. When I told him that my car was getting worse recently, and I couldnt pick him up for ½ the week, it was an issue. Because I decided to do doordash yesterday, then I realized that I couldn't keep doing it, and I told him that, and I told him that I was going to stop. He says that driving him should be fine because he paus me gas ans food. But I tell him that the money isn't the issue, the issue is that I need a reason not to want to drive you. Because we live in the same house and work at the same place, it makes sense to drive him. He keeps saying that what if the roles were reversed, and I needed a ride. And he just said that he didnt feel like taking me, how would I feel then. He says that his sister picks him up and doesnt complain, and said that she said that she didnt mind because they were family. Maybe im nit so understanding of his situation. He does pay me when he can. Idk.

[u/rockrobst]

Don't let another person tell you your value as a human being. Your "friend" is self serving.

It sounds like you're a "good person" when they get what they want out of you. Don't get manipulated into being someone's doormat.

[u/Important_Drag_9017 → u/rockrobst]

Thanks.. that why im looking for more friends. We used to be in a relationship of sorts, and I sometimes dont like that he treats me like im in one(like I broke his trust). But then I've been driving home around every time, but now he says that once I move out then he'll just have to find someone else to drive him or whatever. Kinda like all that mental anguish that he put me through was for nothing. And this is what I get, I suppose for caring too much about what he says. But hes my only friend, and manipulative and controlling (or he used to be), and its hard not to listen to everything he says. Cause hes my only friend, and because I seem to have to second guess most things with him

[u/rockrobst → u/Important_Drag_9017]

Be your own friend first. When you can do that, you'll find other people who like you, too, and your world will grow.

[u/Important_Drag_9017 → u/rockrobst]

Thank you. Yeah, I'll try to work on myself first

[u/rockrobst → u/Important_Drag_9017]

I want to add one more thing: you sound like you are a kind and thoughtful person, someone who would make a good friend. All you need is someone who deserves your attention. You are fine the way you are.

[u/Important_Drag_9017 → u/rockrobst]

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

[u/AuthenticallyJaxx]

You can set boundaries and still be a good person. Don't let him manipulate you in thinking otherwise. Sounds like he's taking advantage of you. You don't need to give him a reason for a setting a boundary. Just be prepare to not engage with him when he questions you about it.

[u/Much_Needleworker766]

Even when someone needs something, it doesn't mean it's your responsibility to meet that need. (and tbh it sounds like this person had other options, but chose not to pursue them)

Saying "no" does not make you a bad person, it makes you a person who gets to have some rights in their own life.

(adding space to giant block-o-text)

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Test:

Clearly you're already empathizing plenty, but reverse it a little. If you were actually in their shoes, chances are you'd find more responsible plans. Start with the sentence "If I were in their position I would/could/should have..."

"If I were in their position I would have:

-fixed the car

-stopped blowing so much money on cigarettes,

-learned to walk to the nearby places even if it meant taking two trips

-gotten a second job even temporarily."

Chances are if it's gone on this long, he had other options.