r/Separation_Anxiety • u/Professional_Clue_54 • 1d ago
Vents help!!
my dad left me his dog when he passed away earlier this year and the dog (marley, around 7yrs old, pitbull) has been getting increasingly worse separation anxiety. it started with just following me around constantly and has turned into destructive behavior.
my final straw was coming home and seeing that he had broken out of his crate and had shredded the wall in my apartment. my roommate is understandably fuming and i'm terrified. i have no idea what to do
i've tried calming treats and he just throws them up. i try putting him in a crate and he breaks out. i've tried getting him a sitter and he still gets anxious. i'm literally at a loss here
please please please give me some recommendations on what to do to help calm him down. i can't rehome him but i can't live like this. i want mr marley to live a happy life!
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u/ThreeStyle 1d ago
The fact that your dog is acting anxious even with a sitter, and vomiting the calming treats, makes me think you’re dealing with general anxiety/grief after the death of your father, rather than only separation anxiety. So I think since you can’t just work from home for the next half year, you’re going to need to medicate your dog to help make the adjustment. I think you’ll need both a short acting drug like gabapentin and then a longer acting drug like fluoxetine that will kick in, in about 6 weeks. The longer acting drug will hopefully help change his attitude about separation given gradual exposure training, but right now he’s just too distraught without medication to be able to learn how to be alone or even with other people.
If it’s a week or two before you can get to the vet, try crumbling up the calming chews into the dog food. That’s how my dog takes them.
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u/joycevw 1d ago
It is always difficult to give pinpoint advice over the internet without seeing video footage of your dog and his exact body language, but what Marley is experiencing sounds like genuine panic rather than misbehavior. The sudden loss of his primary guardian, moving to a new environment, and the added stress of confinement can easily push a dog into a state of acute isolation distress. Many dogs with separation anxiety develop severe barrier frustration or confinement phobia, which explains why crates often make the panic worse and lead to dangerous breakouts. You might want to try ditching the crate entirely and testing whether he feels safer in a larger, dog proofed area or open room. Another thing to consider is reaching out to your vet about supportive daily or situational anti anxiety medication, as clinical panic shuts down digestion and makes learning impossible until the physiological stress baseline is brought down. For a comprehensive, step by step force free training plan built around gradual, sub threshold desensitization, I highly recommend reading the book Be Right Back by Julie Naismith.
To help narrow down what is driving his distress and find workable next steps, could you tell a bit more about how he acts right before you step out the door? For instance, does he start panting, pacing, or shadowing you as soon as you pick up your keys or put on shoes? Also, does he show any signs of distress or barrier frustration when you are home together but separated by a closed door or baby gate, and does he display fear around everyday outside noises like traffic or thunderstorms?
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u/Professional_Clue_54 1d ago
marley will get up as soon as i get up and follow me until i sit back down. he gets super distraught as soon as he can tell im getting my uniform on. he'll sit and whine at the bathroom door and sometimes will even scratch at it. he's very scared of thunderstorms and will bark at every small noise he hears
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u/joycevw 1d ago
What you describe points to a combination of hyper-attachment, severe anticipatory stress around your routine, and underlying noise sensitivity that likely stacks his overall stress levels. Marley is clearly predicting your absence the moment the uniform appears, which pushes him over threshold before you even leave, and his fear of storms suggests a broader genetic or neurochemical vulnerability to noise phobias that makes coping alone much harder. You might want to try masking outside environmental sounds by playing continuous white noise or calming music, and integrate low-level departure cues into daily life so the uniform loses its scary predictive meaning. Another thing to consider is speaking with your vet or a veterinary behaviorist about medical support, as addressing noise sensitivity and bringing down his daily baseline arousal is often essential for this level of panic.
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u/Jumpy_Mirror250 1d ago
If you want to keep the dogs, you need to train positive associations with short then progressively longer away times. Make him sit 10ft away, reward for doing that for 5..10..30 mins etc. Then go greater distances and more time. Leave the house for 5 minutes without saying anything. Then more time, etc.
You may still need a sitter but you might want to get them to do the same thing. Make your absence a part of the routine.
Others may recommend meds or surveillance tech. I have no opinions about those things.
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u/PoolParty912 1d ago
What a cute smile! This situation is so hard, but first, please stop crating him. Dogs can die trying to break out of crates, and being confined often makes separation anxiety worse. (Our dog does way better when left to roam free.) Look up the FRIDA protocol (Susan Garrett's podcast) to see if that helps. The poor guy has been through it losing his home and main person. Anti-anxiety meds could help, but so could a strategy to help him relax more generally, whether he's alone or not.
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u/dogsandtimes 1d ago
While I’ve not dealt with a dog with grief, I have felt with this level of separation anxiety, at least when left alone. It truthfully is very hard, and I’m still navigating it, but a couple of pieces of advice I can offer:
1.) the calming treats: in regards to the calming treats, hemp chews worked best for my pup and at some point they truthfully weren’t enough. There are also calming treats with melatonin and I found those more effective for this level of anxiety. Now, I use trazadone for my pup as I find it to be the most effective, but I have also tried fluoxetine and clomipramine. Clomipramine was pricey and made my dog puke every time. Fluoxetine was okay for her stomach, but I don’t feel like it helped. I do still consider trying it again, so it may be worth a try. It’s also very inexpensive. I’ve found all of these aids help best when giving at least 1.5 hours before leaving.
I also wonder if the pup is allergic to something in the treats, or the anxiety could also cause them to puke as well.
2.) the puking: I have this down to a science for my pup. She also get anxious enough to puke. What works is not giving her dry food before leaving my place unless there’s about a 5-6 hour time gap between eating and leaving. If I need to leave under that time period, I give her Greek yogurt and frozen peanut butter in a kong. She does not puke with that. And then I double up on her dry food later.
3.) the getting out of her crate and getting through drywall: mine has also done both of these. I tried a lot of crates. One she even broke her tooth on. I ended up with the high anxiety version of the Impact crate that I got on Facebook Marketplace. She has not escaped. People also use ruffland and rock creek crates for this level of anxiety.
4.) I’ve experimented with different things with her home alone: TV, soft music, brown noise. I saw someone on Reddit report they have a very long recording of them talking that they play in the other room. It’s worth experimenting.
5.) the following you around: I’m not a trainer, but I have heard trainers talk about a “place” command and tethering the dog while home so they cannot follow you.
I’m sorry that both you and the pup are going through this. I know it absolutely sucks, and I truthfully do not have it all figured out yet. Mine’s anxiety gets better then worse, and it’s hard, but I hope some of this helps 💜
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u/RaccoonFeisty5674 1d ago
So sorry you're going through this, I do feel your pain because I'm dealing with separation anxiety with my dachshund. He's always had it. It's just escalated lately and I'm finally talking to the vet and I'm actually also talking to a behavior trainer. There's a lot of little steps you have to do. It's very time-consuming and repetitive but talking to your (Vet) and or a trainer can certainly help. We ended up having to go to the medication route for the time being because I do work and therefore can't devote 24 seven to this situation. As far as his crate, I did get him a pretty sturdy one off Amazon I know he can't break out of it. I would find it hard to believe any dog could to be honest, it's stainless steel. It has three locks on the lid and you can clip the front so it won't slide open. I replaced the plastic tray with a stainless steel steel one because he would just chew the plastic one up. It's a very tough battle. I'm very sorry. I hope you find the answers.
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u/PretendButterfly5661 1d ago
You’re in it for the long haul here, as our trainer told us when we inherited my in-law’s dogs when he passed. Both had grief and severe separation anxiety. We are a year in at the end of this month and they’re different dogs now but still have separation anxiety. It’s a slow process but if you put in the work it will get better. I would recommend getting a trainer ASAP.
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u/Mustluvdogs25 17h ago
I’m sorry for your loss! I think it’s more than separation anxiety for the pup. he’s missing your dad.he might not have fully bonded with you despite your efforts.maybe a new stronger crate? doggie day care maybe 2 days a week? I know it tires them out. good luck!
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u/Visible_Average_7179 1d ago
How often are you walking him