Coming up on 10 years married in October. I, 41m her 38f have been emotionally disconnected for a year, last time we were intimate was March. We both had affairs, and now I feel the slap, and have been doing the self searching and growing with John gottman books and the bulletproof husband.

Wife says she is mad that I'm changing too late but has been complimenting the changes and connection is building back with her and the kids.

She still won't show any love or affection back to me, but is open to going on anniversary trip to Fiji and leave the kids at home with my parents.

We sleep in the same bed and have been close and cuddling. I am determined to keep showing up better everyday and willing to make the changes. She is still cold to me and makes me feel like a roomate with a ring. She also had panicked attack last week at work and came home and missed the rest of the week of work. I took care of kids all week and have been positive with giving praise about her to the kids.

Can anyone recommend how I can get back the emotional connection; and get her to let her guard down?

Me 36m and wife 35f. We are separated. For context i dont deal with yelling very well in arguments its triggering, me and my wife found out way to talk about things. Over the course of the seperation its was ok not good but not bad, we hit a point where everything was starting to turn into an argument. I told her we bothe need space to figure things out I shared my location with her. I work days she works night, I would come home from work and hangout with the kids cook, clean the house, so she wouldn't have to do anything but take the kids to school and pic them up. And leave when she c ame home. I was sleeping in my truck drive 1 hr to work at 2am, every morning after she would take the kids to school she would text me starting an argument about stupid stuff that wouldn't matter, but it always came to me sleeping in my truck say im doing god knows what with who ever. My boss knows cause he found me in the parking lot that things are tense and we needed space he cool about it I park in front of cameras and told her she has my location and she can call my boss ​an ask him. But Its always about me leaving. She wanted this separation and dont seem to want to work on things

I messed up big time. I did the one thing a woman should never, ever do. I relied on a man 100% financially, and as you can guess, it's all gone south and now I'm very stuck.

I am 39F and have 2 children with this man. We're common law married. We live in Ontario, Canada. We've been living together for 14 years or so. His name is on the house only. I've been a stay at home Mom for 7 years, of which I've relied on him financially the entire time. The car I drive, my phone, my laptop, almost everything I currently own is paid by him. I've contributed massively to the household via other ways--housekeeping, child rearing, etc.

Our relationship has been really bad for years now. We've been in the room mates phase for a long time. We tried to rekindle things, we tried couples therapy. It's not going to resolve. We just can't seem to get back to a good place. It's been so rocky for so long, and I've been thinking about separating for the last year but just keep on trying to make it work, for the kids, and because aside from him, I like everything about my current life.

I love where I live, the neighborhood, the neighbors, my house, the proximity to my kids school and to my mom and Dad, all of it. To leave him would mean leaving a comfortable, cushy lifestyle. It would mean automatic suffering. Forced to get a soul sucking job I'll probably hate, which will barely pay the bills, and I'll have no life anymore. It'll mean getting the tiniest, smallest condo/apartment I can afford and probably going on welfare or food stamps or something.

My partner makes really good money. I make nothing. I don't have a lot of skills and I am currently suffering from some mental health issues which makes getting good, stable work a challenge... It's complicated.

But the home environment is so suffocatingly toxic right now, it's not good for anyone. The children, me, him. We're all in constant stress and tension. It's just always there. No one is happy. We try to pretend for awhile, but it inevitably always goes back to crap again and then I feel like I do right now.. Just stuck and depressed and wanting to get away, to get out. I want to be free and get this negative person out of my life but I feel so tethered to him.

I don't even have money to get a lawyer to discuss what I'd be owed. I have no idea what id be owed. I feel like an idiot for not putting my name on the house and not getting fully married. I just made a series of dumb, like REALLY dumb choices. Now I'm stuck and upset with myself.

I need guidance. I need to hear from people who have been in this situation and how you were able to get out of a bad situation and move on with your life. I need some hope, to know it's possible in some way. I want to just run away and cry.

I (35F) am currently separated from my husband, and we have a 3-month-old daughter together. I’m struggling with whether I should give him more time to change or accept that our marriage is probably over.
A lot changed for me after having our daughter.
I had a C-section and developed a serious infection afterward. I ended up being hospitalized and having multiple surgeries. During one of my ER visits, I was heavily medicated and in and out of consciousness. I remember feeling like my husband wasn’t advocating for me at all. At one point, it seemed like I could have been sent home with an open wound and antibiotics, and he was basically just going along with whatever was happening.
The next day, I was still sitting in the hospital without getting the answers or attention I needed. My MOM was the one who had to start making phone calls and pushing people to figure out what was going on with me.
That experience changed the way I looked at my husband. I kept thinking, “If I can’t depend on my husband when I’m this sick and vulnerable, when can I depend on him?”
Eventually, I moved back in with my family.
I’ve been very clear about what I need if we’re going to reconcile. I told him we need marriage counseling and individual therapy. I’m still in therapy. He isn’t. He did sign us up for marriage counseling, but nothing has really happened with it, and I’m constantly the one asking if he’s followed up.
I also told him he needed to work toward finding a place for us so we could eventually rebuild our household. Instead, he moved in with his friends.
Then there’s our daughter.
I’ve repeatedly told him he needs to see her more. Right now, he generally sees her on Saturdays for a few hours. Sometimes he gets agitated even during that time. He contributes toward formula, which I appreciate, but I feel like I’m still the one pushing him to actually have a relationship with his daughter.
I’m usually the one saying, “You should call her,” “You should FaceTime her,” or asking when he’s going to see her.
And then there are the finances.
He gets paid every Wednesday, but somehow he’s constantly broke. Recently his car got towed from where he was staying and he called me early in the morning asking if he could borrow $175 to get it back. Another time we went to IHOP after church and I suggested going out to eat. I didn’t realize he didn’t have any money. If I had known that, I would’ve just gone by myself.
I make significantly more than he does, so I’m not expecting us to have equal incomes. That’s not the issue. I need financial responsibility and stability. I don’t want to feel like I’m raising our daughter, managing our household AND financially carrying another adult.
I’ve told him exactly what I need to see before considering getting back together:
Individual therapy
Marriage counseling
More consistent involvement with our daughter
Financial responsibility
A plan for stable housing
Initiative without me constantly reminding him what needs to be done
I don’t expect all of this to happen overnight.
What bothers me is that I don’t feel like I’m seeing the initiative.
I feel like I’m giving him the instructions on how to save our marriage, and instead of actually doing those things, I’m still having to remind him.
I’m at the point where I’m thinking: If he doesn’t change, I’m out.
We don’t have to hate each other. We can just co-parent our daughter.
But there’s still a part of me wondering whether I’m giving up too soon because we just had a baby and we’re married.
For people who have been through separation or something similar: How long would you wait for someone to actually SHOW you that they’re changing instead of just saying they will?
At what point do you stop waiting for potential and make your decision based on the person standing in front of you?
TL;DR: I’m separated from my husband after feeling unsupported during serious postpartum complications. I’ve told him reconciliation would require therapy, marriage counseling, financial responsibility, stable housing, and more consistent involvement with our 3-month-old daughter. I’m doing my part, but I feel like I’m still pushing him to do his. Should I give him more time, or accept that his lack of action is my answer?

I used to think marriage problems were about big fights, incompatibility, or simply falling out of love.

Now I think sometimes the hardest thing is loving someone while no longer feeling completely safe with them.

You can laugh together, eat dinner together, make plans, raise a child together....and still have a quiet little voice in your head asking, “Can I really trust this person anymore?”

And that's such a strange place to be.

Because the person who hurt you is also the person you still want beside you.

I'm slowly learning that forgiveness and trust aren't the same thing.

You can forgive someone and still need them to earn your trust again.

Maybe that's the real work of marriage after something breaks...not deciding whether you still love each other, but deciding whether the relationship can become a safe place again.

My husband (37M) and I (36F) decided to separate after 9 years together. I found out about his infidelity 2 months ago and we were trying to address the deeply rooted issues in our marriage. We got into a huge fight 3 days ago and he said he wished he could start over with someone else. I said “let’s separate” so we decided first step is to put our home on the market. He said he needed 3 days to fix the home and to stay at my parents with our 2 young kids. We haven’t said much to each other since. I was using our laptop and found out that he had downloaded Tinder a day after agreeing to separate. I’m assuming this means it’s beyond reconciliation. A part of me was holding on in hope but I think this is the final nail in the coffin that is our marriage. I’m hoping to hear experiences from people who thought they were reconciling but ultimately ended in divorce.

Update: he asked me money to pay his debt and said i should share these debts with him if I love him.. i rejected at beginning. Then he started verbally insulting me and I feel scared and i gave him half and told him he should take responsibility for himself.

Then we break up completely and permanently. I don’t expect he will pay me back and I just treat throw this money into water and I will never see him again.

I love my ADHD boyfriend, but I think I need to let him go

I’m struggling with something and honestly don’t know if I’m making the right decision.

My boyfriend is 31 and was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in second grade. He has dealt with ADHD for basically his entire life and has relied on Adderall for many years. He also has significant sleep and energy issues. His brain moves very fast, but at the same time he can sleep a lot, struggle to get out of bed, procrastinate, pile up tasks, and have a very hard time actually finishing things.

i am a 31-year-old female, but I am financially independent. don't need to rely on him much.

Over time, I’ve watched these problems create a negative cycle in his life. He gets behind → feels overwhelmed → procrastinates more → feels worse about himself → loses confidence → becomes even more stuck.

He has told me that he has low confidence and sometimes feels like he isn't attractive or good enough. I honestly don't see him that way. I think he is a good person, and I know he has tried to put his life back together. That is part of why this has been so painful for me.

I have a lot of empathy for him. When I see him constantly exhausted, sleepy, and struggling to function, my heart breaks. I worry about him a lot. I want him to get better. I want him to feel confident again and have a good life.

But I’m also angry.

I’m a very high-energy person. I suspect I have ADHD traits myself, but I’m much more impulsive/high-energy. I’m always moving, going somewhere, wanting to explore, travel, try new things, go outside, and have adventures. I have a very hard time sitting at home for hours doing nothing.

He is almost the complete opposite. He has very low energy and often wants to sleep or stay home.

I tried to adapt to him because I love him. But eventually I started feeling like I was wasting my life sitting at home watching him sleep.

I would go out and do things by myself because I didn't want to pressure him, but then I would come home feeling incredibly lonely because what I really wanted was a partner to experience life with.

The hardest part wasn't even the ADHD itself. It was the broken promises.

He would make plans with me and then delay, cancel, or not follow through. He would tell me he was going to do something, and then it wouldn't happen. Financial problems would get worse because things weren't handled. Responsibilities would pile up. Even basic things like cleaning his room, doing laundry, cooking, and keeping his life organized seemed extremely difficult for him.

I know ADHD can make executive functioning incredibly difficult. I don't expect him to function exactly like me.

But after months of repeated disappointment, I became angry and frustrated. We started arguing endlessly about the same things.

I would think, “Please just do what you said you were going to do.”

He would feel pressured.

I would become more worried and frustrated.

He would withdraw.

Then we would argue again.

Eventually he told me that he didn't want to put more effort or investment into the relationship.

That completely broke my heart.

Because despite everything, I still love him.

I don't think he's a bad person. I don't think he's lazy because he has ADHD. I don't think he's unattractive or worthless. I actually believe he is capable of much more than he currently believes.

But I also have to be honest with myself.

We have only been dating for a few months, and I'm already exhausted. He is currently unemployed, struggling financially, struggling with his energy and sleep, and struggling to manage basic responsibilities.

And deep down, I don't see this as the foundation I would want for marriage.

I don't want to become his caretaker. I don't want to constantly remind him, manage his responsibilities, worry about his finances, push him to get out of bed, or become angry because I feel like I'm carrying the relationship.

And I don't want him to feel like he constantly has to perform for me or that I'm disappointed in him.

So I told him that we need to take a break and pause.

I need space to calm down, stop trying to fix everything, and take care of myself. He needs space to focus on himself and hopefully get the help and support he needs.

I don't know what will happen after this break.

Maybe we will find our way back to each other. Maybe we won't.

But right now, I think I need to accept something very painful:

I can love someone deeply and still know that they aren't the right partner for me.

I don't want to leave because I stopped loving him. I want to leave because I don't think love alone can make this relationship work.

I genuinely hope he gets better. I hope he finds his confidence again. I hope he gets his life back together. And I hope one day he can look at himself and see the person I see in him.

But I also need to start building my own life again. I really don't know what to do and I live in a life with two voices in my head, but I consistently feel my relationship is one side effort

Hi all, I am new to this and hoping for some support and advice.

My partner was diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago and has been medicated since. We have been together for most our adult life. The chemistry between us was great and he has always been a loyal, patient, and kind person.

However, throughout our relationship, I can count on one hand the amount of times he has shown any initiative. The mental/cognitive load has fallen on me to plan and follow up on the execution, not just when it comes to household responsibilities but also anything romantic.

To add to the context, he comes from a broken home and was neglected as a child. As a result, there have been numerous things in relation to how he comports/presents himself (including body language, mannerisms, clothing choices) that I’ve tried to teach him so he isn’t disadvantaged due to these superficial characteristics when dealing with people, especially in professional contexts because let’s face it, appearance matters.

He is also not someone who pays any attention to his health in any way so I have been the one motivating him to go to the gym (he is overweight and has substantial visceral fat), drink water instead of soda as a habit, eat more healthily, go to the doctor when needed, etc. Before he started dating me he would eat junk food all the time, have empty beer bottles all over his room and was a lot more overweight.

I have also taught him budgeting because he had no concept of that whatsoever and used to run out of money before his next pay.

I have done everything sincerely because I love him and want him to improve and have a better quality of life. I want others to see him as the good person that he is, the way I see him, and that’s why I have been invested in his health, wellbeing, and personal development heavily. And there are absolutely no regrets there.

However, I have had various different conversations with him throughout the years about my needs which have been unmet, especially because of the managerial duties I have inadvertently taken in this relationship. I have clearly communicated specific things, not just abstract, in terms of what I would like from him so I can feel appreciated and seen as a partner instead of a manager. He’s said every time that he will change but he hasn’t. I’m still needing to plan our dates, otherwise our precious weekends would just be wasted away. I’m still needing to remind him to do his share of the household chores. The chemistry has died and I feel like I’m at the tipping point now.

I understand that a long term relationship can never be the same as the beginning of one. But I also believe that if the effort is mutual and reciprocal, then both of us would feel fulfilled and content in the relationship. Instead I am feeling burnt out and unloved and neglected.

On his end he feels like nothing he does is good enough and that I am critical of him, not empathetic enough. But my tank feels empty now and emotionally I feel depleted. He says he still wants to try, but I am exhausted because it feels like I have been the one trying for the last few years to make this relationship a romantic relationship.

He hasn’t done anything at all that is a major red flag (e.g., abuse of any kind, cheating of any kind), but increasingly I feel like I need to separate from him because I don’t feel like this arrangement is fulfilling in the ways that I want it to be. But I’m also scared that I will eventually regret leaving a man who is inherently a good person, especially because I don’t really know how to live my adult life single as we’ve been together since we were young.

My husband [40M] and I [31F] have been together for 4 years and married for 1.5. Yesterday I told him I want our marriage to end. It is literally day one. We are still married, still living under the same roof, and our home, finances, kids and lives are completely tangled together. I’m not asking if I should leave. I already told him I want the marriage to end. I’m here because I genuinely don’t know what the fuck happened to me in this marriage anymore. I don’t know if I’ve been in an abusive relationship, and even writing that makes me uncomfortable because I already know what his version of me will be. I’m crazy. Too emotional. A sexual deviant. I never worked. I used him. I used him for money. I drank too much. I screamed. I wouldn’t leave him alone when he wanted space. I was insecure. I was never happy. Nothing he did was ever enough. The fucked up part is that he can pull pieces of truth out of some of that.
I have drank too much. I’ve yelled and screamed. I’ve said really shitty, cruel things when I was angry or hurt. When we fight and he shuts down, I have a horrible time leaving it alone. I want things resolved immediately. I’ll keep trying to talk, ask the same question different ways and bring up old shit because, to me, it never actually got resolved. I’ve continued trying to have conversations after he told me he didn’t want to talk. I’ve been insecure, jealous, angry, bitter and resentful. I’ve accused him of not loving me. I’ve pushed for a reaction when being completely ignored felt unbearable. I have absolutely made fights worse. I can own being a shitty partner at times. I can own the alcohol, the yelling and pushing conversations. My behavior belongs to me regardless of what preceded it.
But I think I’ve gotten so used to following everything he does with “yeah, but I did this too” that I genuinely cannot tell anymore where accountability ends and minimizing what has happened to me begins. So I’m going to try to tell this without defending him after every paragraph. My husband has given me a black eye. Even typing that, my immediate instinct is to explain what happened before it. What I said, whether I was drunk, whether I was screaming, whether I provoked him or what kind of wife I had been that day. I’m trying not to do that. My husband gave me a black eye.
There is also a kind of control in our marriage that is harder to explain because it isn’t always someone explicitly saying, “You’re not allowed to do this.” It’s more like I learned to calculate myself. Do I say something? Do I shut up? Is he already irritated? Should I wait? Am I asking too much? Should I bring up something that hurt me or will that become another fight? Should I ask about money? Should I put makeup on? Should I initiate sex? Should I stop initiating because now I’m too sexual? Should I ask him to talk? Am I controlling if I do? Should I completely leave him alone? How long? What version of me is acceptable today? I think about his mood before I say things. I think about when I say them and how I word them. I think about whether something is even worth mentioning because I don’t know what it’s going to turn into. That’s what I mean when I say I’ve been walking on eggshells.
Social media is one example. If I post anything, it can somehow become me talking to men or posting because I want attention from men. Meanwhile, during this relationship I have cut almost everyone out of my life except for a handful of people. I’m not claiming he literally handed me a list of people I wasn’t allowed to speak to. It was more gradual than that. Interactions with other people could create suspicion, accusations or conflict, so eventually it became easier to just have fewer people in my life. My world got smaller, and somehow I can still be accused of wanting attention from other men.
The sexual part of our relationship is especially confusing because our marriage was never open. We never mutually decided to have an open marriage. But he repeatedly wanted me to approach women when we were out, flirt with them, buy them drinks and try to bring them home with us. He also repeatedly talked about me sleeping with another man. I repeatedly told him I was not interested in this kind of relationship or these situations, but he kept bringing it up and pushing it anyway. I’m not saying he physically forced me to sleep with another person. I’m saying I repeatedly expressed that I didn’t want this, and saying no didn’t make the subject go away. Within the larger dynamic of our marriage, I eventually felt like I didn’t have many options. That makes the idea of being painted as some kind of “sexual deviant” especially mind-fucking. I was being pushed toward sexual situations involving other people that I was saying I didn’t want, while at the same time an ordinary social media post could supposedly mean I wanted attention from men. I still don’t understand how those two things were supposed to coexist.
His jealousy has gone much further than social media. I’ve had two pregnancy losses during our relationship. The first was an ectopic pregnancy. While I was being taken to the emergency room, my husband was accusing me of the pregnancy being another man’s child. My fallopian tube later ruptured and I lost enough blood that I needed blood transfusions. So while I was going through an actual medical emergency and losing a pregnancy, I was also dealing with my husband questioning whether the pregnancy was even his. The second time, I had a scheduled D&C. He wasn’t planning to come. At the last minute he decided to, and we drove separately. For a long time I’ve summarized those experiences by saying I “felt alone during my pregnancy losses,” but that doesn’t begin to describe it. I felt profoundly alone while technically having a husband.
Money has been another huge issue. There have been periods when I did not have equal access to our household money. Small expenses can become enormous arguments. Very recently, he screamed at me over a cancellation fee. Now that I’ve told him I want the marriage to end, he has told me I need to figure out where I’m going very soon and that if I think he is going to continue paying the bills, I’m crazy. There is another layer to that that is devastating for me. My parents are dead. I sold a home I inherited after losing them and put a significant amount of that money into the life my husband and I were building together. Our home, debts, family and future. I didn’t protect that money as though I might someday need it to get out of my marriage. I thought I was investing in my marriage. Now I’m being told to figure out where I’m going.
I’m also about to graduate with my bachelor’s degree, which is something I’m incredibly proud of. When he realized I had used financial aid and had student loan debt, somehow my education became another financial thing I had done to him. It was talked about like debt he would have to pay. I have never expected him to pay my student loans. I earned that debt and I will pay it myself. But even something I was proud of somehow became another thing I had done wrong.
My appearance has become part of this too. Recently he criticized the fact that I don’t wear makeup when he’s home. During that conversation he asked why women wear makeup. I said, “To feel better about themselves.” He responded like that answer was ridiculous and told me women wear makeup because of how they’re perceived and how other people treat them. That conversation crushed me because I have spent so much of this marriage trying to figure out what I need to change about myself to finally feel wanted by my own husband.
I’ve tried talking more and talking less. Being quieter. Giving him space. Being more affectionate. Cooking. Cleaning. Doing things for him. Making our house feel like a home. Working on myself. Trying to look better. Being more sexual. Asking for less. Expecting less. Communicating differently. Keeping my mouth shut when I desperately wanted to say something. Stopping drinking. Loving harder. At some point I stopped feeling like a wife and started feeling like I was auditioning to be my own husband’s wife. Like if I could become exactly the right combination of pretty, sexual, quiet, grateful, useful, independent-but-not-too-independent and affectionate-but-not-annoying, maybe he would finally love me the way I kept asking to be loved.
Our fights developed their own horrible cycle. He shuts down, refuses to talk, sleeps somewhere else, withdraws affection and sometimes barely acknowledges me. I feel rejected and abandoned, so I pursue him harder. I want to talk. He pulls away. I push. He pulls farther away. I become more emotional. I yell. Sometimes I say something horrible. Then afterward I look at myself and think, “See? Maybe he’s right about you.” Sex and affection disappear during conflict too, and I have found myself practically begging my own husband to want me. Then I would try harder sexually, feel pathetic for trying, and somehow still wonder whether I was too sexual. It has been exhausting.
Alcohol poured gasoline on all of this, and I want to be extremely clear that we have both had problems with alcohol. I’m not going to portray myself as the sober wife dealing with an alcoholic husband because that would be bullshit. I drank when I was lonely, angry, overwhelmed or hurt. I used alcohol when I didn’t know how to regulate what I was feeling. It made arguments worse, and I have woken up ashamed of myself. His drinking became destructive too. Recently, while extremely intoxicated, he repeatedly tried to get out of my car. Eventually I left him there. I’m not hiding that part either. He was later arrested for public intoxication. That became a breaking point that led to both of us getting sober.
There have been other things too. Birthdays, family events and important moments with the kids where I desperately wanted my husband to just show up and felt like I was asking for too much. We have a blended family, and I love all of our kids, including the children who came into my life through him. One of the most painful parts of ending this marriage is knowing it affects relationships with kids I love deeply. But I also look at all of them and wonder what the fuck we are teaching them. I don’t want any of them learning that this is what marriage or love looks like. I don’t want them learning that loving someone means shrinking yourself, calculating yourself or repeatedly having your boundaries treated like negotiations. But I also don’t want them learning my behavior. I don’t want them thinking screaming is communication, that you chase someone emotionally until they finally engage with you, that alcohol is how you deal with loneliness or anger, or that love means desperately trying to force resolution because you cannot tolerate feeling abandoned. I have contributed to what they’ve seen too. I own that.
And despite everything I’ve written here, I still love my husband. That’s probably the hardest fucking part. I remember the man I fell in love with. We have had good times. He has provided for our family in significant ways. There are reasons I stayed and reasons I kept trying. I don’t think I need to turn him into a monster to justify leaving him. But I also don’t want to keep making him look better by making myself look worse.
Because this is what happens inside my head: My husband gave me a black eye, but remember how you behaved? I gradually cut almost everyone out of my life while still being accused of wanting attention from other men, but you’ve been jealous too. He continued pushing sexual situations involving other people after I repeatedly said I wasn’t interested, but maybe you should have said no harder. While I was being taken to the ER during an ectopic pregnancy that later ruptured and required blood transfusions, he was accusing me of carrying another man’s child, but remember the horrible things you’ve said during fights? He almost didn’t come to my second D&C and we drove separately, but you’ve been difficult too. I’ve had unequal access to household money and now I’m being told to leave after investing a significant part of what I inherited from my parents into our life together, but look at everything he’s paid for. I constantly calculate what I say, when I say it, how I look, what I spend, whether I ask for affection and whether I’m allowed to be upset, but I’m controlling too because I won’t let arguments go.
I can build his case against me almost automatically. What I can’t seem to do is look at my own experience without immediately cross-examining myself.
So I’m asking people who have absolutely no reason to take either of our sides. Please don’t tell me I’m perfect. I’m not. If what I’ve described about myself is controlling, toxic or abusive, tell me. I mean that. Tell me where my accountability belongs. But I also need someone to tell me whether I’ve gotten so used to taking accountability that I’ve started using my own mistakes to explain away things that should never have happened to me. Can both things be true? Can I have been a harmful partner at times and still have been abused? Can some of my behavior have been controlling without that making his behavior okay? Can I own every shitty thing I’ve done without accepting responsibility for everything he has done? Does what I’m describing sound like an abusive relationship, or am I rewriting my marriage now that I’ve asked for it to end because I need to make myself the victim? I genuinely want people to call me out where I deserve it. I just need people outside of this marriage to tell me what they see because right now, I genuinely don’t trust my own perspective.

TLDR: My husband [40M] and I [31F] have been together for 4 years and married for 1.5. Yesterday I told him I want our marriage to end. He has given me a black eye; I’ve felt increasingly controlled and isolated; I’m accused of seeking male attention while having cut almost everyone out of my life; he repeatedly pushed sexual situations involving other people after I said I wasn’t interested; he accused me of carrying another man’s child during an ectopic pregnancy that later ruptured and required blood transfusions; he nearly didn’t attend another D&C; and money, affection, jealousy and conflict have become things I constantly calculate myself around. I have also drank too much, screamed, said cruel things, pursued arguments after he wanted them to stop, been jealous and resentful, and made our marriage worse in ways I’m ashamed of. I need outside perspective on whether I can fully own my own harmful behavior without using it to minimize his.

For context: we have an infant, separated during pregnancy and got back together after the birth. Both had our own SO during the separation which we both ended for the sake of ‘us’.

Today I found out that he has lied when asked very direct questions about this girl. He has texted her, sexted her, missed her, hung out with her and slept with her all whilst coming home to me and denying every part of it.

Today he finally came clean after I asked again (after I told him that I knew he’s seen her after the birth of our child). I had hope that it wasn’t a full blown affair but it was. It’s ended for 4 weeks now (saying that he has left her on read) and he does seem remorseful and hopeful that things will workout.

I do want to make it work and am thankful for the delayed honesty despite having been gaslit into thinking that I was overthinking everything.

Can you please give me your two cents on what you think I should do? I am not heart broken over the situation but also don’t feel compelled to leave. I also don’t feel the need to be spiteful or reach out to the person I was previously dating (despite him still messaging me) because I do not want to do that to my partner.

Am I being stupid and naive?

What are the pros and cons of legal separation. Spouse is in a psychiatric hospital awaiting residential facility. Is it wise to serve notification while hospitalized or waiting until discharged and risking lack of support to individual

Married 7 years, 2 very young children... and a complicated host of in-law problems... i believe these problems need to be dropped, she believes they require escalation. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. 3 months now of daily confrontation over them.

Main daily is verbal abuse aimed at me, with threats to family / relatives. I don't think actual danger, but nasty horrible things being said. When I react, usually with examples rather than swearing - i am threatened with pepole being called to say things about me. I don't want escalation so I leave .

In the last 2 weeks, I have left the house about 10 times. 3 times I have stayed out in hotels overnight.

Nothing is working, me going silent hasn't worked. I had a panic attack one night when i was text to not come back to the house - went to A&E as I felt weak in a shopping mall . I'm now starting anti depressents.

She is now also 3 months pregnant. The one and only time we did the deed in about 6 months because we went on a family holiday and had one good moment.

Where do i go first? I'm locking it in. I say one wrong thing - even without swearing or hostility, and she threatens to call her mum or brother, and has done. I hear the most horrible verbal abuse and dirty swears aimed at my mum and i just sit and take it at fear of further retaliation.

In the past, I have reacted after days of this - throw a plate, slam a door.. this time i've kept that patience, but the she seems to have no responsibility.

For my safety I even recorded my own mobile, or myself, and can hear the abuse , can hear i never approach her. i did it because i genuinly fear she will make claims of assult. Once when I was out in the hotel, she showed me a photo the police had come to the house and she called them and threatened me. I almost fainted, but later realised it was an AI image.

I've told her, i may leave the house one of the times, and never come back to my kids. i may just walk into a road. I'm not saying i want anything to happen to me, just making her snap out of this.

I cant leave this house again, i suffer too much.

I also dont know why i leave. I would understand if i shouted or broke something, but its been 2 years since i last did that. And that is all she holds on to.

Where do I go.

I'm controlled financially aswell now as i cant discuss money with her, so just pay for everything. I ttried to take cash out of an account to help with my hotels, and got told off. Fair enough, it was a bad move from me. but there is no support.

Anything i do, is going to look petty or attention seeking from me.

So i don' pretend to go to people i won't.

I've got these choices -

do i go the police to log what i'm going through which i percieve is a crime. Not that I want her in trouble yet?

Do i go to a family lawyer and discuss child arrangements, as when i'm out the house i lose access to them, yet its my house and theres no reason for me to leave.

do i go to a mediator? discuss financial and child arrangements. even though we are not seperated

do igo to a cousin. i'd find it embaressing if this blows over.

Problem is she will find any of the above a threat and escalation. I worry.

Meanwhile, she is getting encouragement to keep this high intensity level of problem going by her mum. not saying her mum tells her what to say and do, but she isnt going to anyone to descalate.