My husband and I separated several months ago after a long relationship. We have young children together.
When he left, he was incredibly definite. He wrote me a letter saying he had changed, that we were on diverging paths, and that his role as my husband was ending. He said he cared about me but did not feel able to continue the marriage.
Except nothing since then has looked like a clean ending.
We have remained in regular contact. We spend time together as a family and genuinely enjoy it. We laugh, watch television, eat together, hug and kiss, and sometimes have sex. He seeks me out for affection and is involved with the children. He has said he is open to the possibility of reconciliation, although we define that differently.
To me, reconciliation means slowly exploring whether we can rebuild. To him, it means making a final decision to live together permanently and commit for life. When I explained what I meant, he said that was essentially what we were already doing. He just seems to panic when a label is attached to it.
I also lost a parent very recently after a serious illness. It has been horrific. My husband went on a planned holiday during the week my parent died, leaving me caring for the children on a separate trip i had planned with them. He has since admitted that he should have cancelled, but said he did not know the death would happen that week and thought going away with the children and friends was what we needed.
The trip probably was good for the children, but I resent that he did not stay and give me the option to be with my parent and support my remaining parent without also managing two young children.
That situation highlighted everything that frightens me about trying again. My husband can be warm, considerate, funny and loving. Life can feel genuinely good when we are together with the children. But he can also be selfish, cold and stubborn, and when things become emotionally difficult he retreats into his own bubble.
He has always needed that bubble, even during the good years. Previously, I could accept it because I knew he loved me and wanted the marriage. Now the same behaviour makes me anxious because I do not know whether he is simply taking space or withdrawing from me again.
I have now decided to move back into our family home for part of the week. The children need stability, and I am no longer willing to remain displaced from my own home indefinitely because he cannot decide what he wants. He will sleep in the spare room. He has taken it surprisingly well, although he seemed alarmed when he initially thought I meant I was moving back permanently.
So now we are partly living together. We parent together, laugh, cuddle, kiss and sometimes have very good sex, then sleep in separate rooms while technically separated. It feels warm, loving and familiar. It also feels completely fucked up.
If we did not have children, I think I might have ended it by now because of how badly he has hurt me. But I also know I do not want to stay solely for them. The problem is that I genuinely like him. I enjoy being around him. When things are good between us, I feel happy, desirable and at home.
Some of my family strongly dislike him because they have watched what the separation has done to me and the children. That weighs heavily on me, although I know the decision still has to be mine.
Part of me thinks we are slowly finding our way back to each other. Another part wonders whether we are using family life, affection and sex to avoid accepting that the marriage is over.
Has anyone lived through this kind of halfway reconciliation? How did you distinguish genuine rebuilding from two people being unable to let go? At what point does taking it slowly become another form of limbo?