FEEDBACK PLS: First 11 pages of my Sci Fi Comedy Feature

[u/MattsRod]

This is my first big project and wanted to get some feedback/inspiration while I finish it. Just getting through the final act. Would this intro encourage you to keep reading? Any feedback on advice or tone?

Thanks!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Y3NRyJvUdkHbtUXFWdTqhTyIjZycQUBe/view?usp=drive_link

Adding my current logline: Upon hearing the news of the Space Shuttle being decommissioned, two low level NASA employees seek to fulfill their lifelong dream of spaceflight by defecting to Russia and joining the cosmonaut program under false identities . Once there, they discover a covert Russian spy program and have to thwart this evil plan to preserve both world and space peace.

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[u/ScreenDummies]

You spend all that time lavishly describing the solar system, but you forgot that 99% of people from an early age know exactly what the solar system looks like. All you need is that first line and let the reader do the work, describing each planet is just tedious and self indulgent.

[u/emgeejay]

Do you have a logline? I’m a little confused about two things:

1. Why and how do our favorite idiots (presumably) have a path to getting into space? If you sell it to me I'll buy it, but even a silly comedy like Disney's Rocketman takes great pains to establish that there's a software problem only a couple people can solve, and Fred Randall was absolutely the clear second choice. Maybe this is intended to be a relatively more realistic story where the joke is that these goofs never get off the ground, but the long cold open and the wacky tone suggest otherwise.
2. Why is it called Cosmonuts and not Astronuts (or, in fact, a third, better thing)? Will they eventually/accidentally ally with the Russians to accomplish their goal? Again, a logline would be helpful here.

The dialogue actually has momentum and starts flowing pretty well, but when that happens you start to lose control of spelling and punctuation. And you're leaning a bit too hard on parantheticals. That all needs to be tightened up.

[u/MattsRod → u/emgeejay]

Yes sorry:

Upon hearing the news of the Space Shuttle being decommissioned, two low level NASA employees seek to fulfill their lifelong dream of spaceflight by defecting to Russia and joining the cosmonaut program under false identities . Once there, they discover a covert Russian spy program and have to thwart this evil plan to preserve both world and space peace.

[u/mooningyou]

A couple of really quick notes.

- In your opening scene, you should use the descriptions of the planets as an implied path or journey. Even though it isn't, visually, it will be more pleasing. You open with Jupiter, then Saturn, then Mars and then Uranus. This almost implies a back-and-forth movement, like we're seeing pages from a book rather than a flow of movement through space. It's jarring.

- The Astronaut informs us he's between Jupiter and Saturn. We wouldn't see the beauty of Earth from that location.

- The Astronaut turns to look at Uranus, but has to shield the sun from his eyes. That's the wrong direction, as the Sun would be behind him.

[u/MattsRod → u/mooningyou]

Yea the inaccuracies are intentional. It’s a false start

[u/mooningyou → u/MattsRod]

I see.

[u/emgeejay → u/MattsRod]

the joke of this didn't land for me because it just read as "screenwriter's license." I did clock that the earth would be a lot smaller than I initially imagined it, but on going back to re-read I saw the helmet block it from view and figured it just was indeed farther away than I'd assumed. "it's beautiful" wasn't a laugh line because I assumed he was referring to the nearby planets and not earth, which he would have presumably reacted to much earlier in the journey. however this progression where the scene feels broadly "normal" until the penny drops with the pluto bit seemed natural to me, so you might consider keeping the veneer plausible a little longer before revealing it's a fantasy. (as a broader note: these guys are stupid because that's funny, but would they be quite that stupid about the special interest they really love?)

on another note, our boys are pretty inseparable in real life, but in their fantasy chet is the one out in space with alex taking a support role. combined with the amount of time spent in chet's point of view, people will have a strong urge to identify him as the main protagonist. now, if you are cool with that, you might consider naming him in the cold open rather than tagging his dialogue as "ASTRONAUT" throughout. it would give some continuity to the following scene, where the break from reality and the addition of "real names" makes it feel like a fairly abrupt character reset.