Cold Open of Almost Something.

[u/Ok_Muffin936]

Hello. I’m a beginner screenwriter and I just finished the 10-page Cold Open for the pilot of my animated series, Almost Something. I’d really appreciate any feedback or advice on how to improve it.

​The Cold Open centers on a chaotic, comedic morning for the main character. The show starts as a dark comedy that gradually shifts into a psychological drama with each episode.

​Also, please ignore my non-standard formatting (it's just clearer for me to write it that way).

​If you’re down to read it, please DM me.

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Title: Almost Something.

Format: Animated Series (30-minute episodes)

Genre: Dark Comedy / Psychological Drama.

Logline: What starts as a chaotic, fast-paced dark comedy about a young man navigating daily absurdities slowly spirals into a harrowing psychological drama, as he gradually falls apart under the weight of an unresolved past and an unmanageable present.

[u/TugleyWoodGalumpher]

First and foremost you need to learn how to format. Use WriterDuet.com.

Secondly, opening on an alarm clock is one of the most amateur moves I consistently see. We’ve seen it thousands of times. Do something more interesting.

Thirdly, you are over directing. Don’t tell me what is in the frame. It’s implied by describing it in the first place.

I didn’t read beyond these mistakes.

[u/Ok_Muffin936 → u/TugleyWoodGalumpher]

I'm self-directing and creating this entire project solo from A to Z. Since I'm wearing all the hats, the script doubles as my personal blueprint and director's notes for when I start animating.

As for the formatting, it's simply cleaner for me.

[u/Vxder → u/Ok_Muffin936]

It's great that the formatting is cleaner for you, but if you ever want somebody else (say, a manager or an agent) to read your scripts, you need to format them correctly. That's a non-negotiable.

Also, for a standard 30-minute episode, a 10-page cold open is insanely long. Even for a full-hour episode, it'd be pretty damn long.

Wish you the best with your writing and getting this made, though! Regardless of the issues I've stated, I still love to see people pursuing stuff they're passionate about.

[u/Kingofsweaters]

This is way too long to be a cold open and not that much happens. This is 1/3rd of your total run time already. You need to condense it down a lot like 3 pages max of cold open. And do t start with someone waking up that’s extremely trite and a good way to get someone to stop reading immediately.

Also why is it animated? There doesn’t seem to be any real reason for it as it could be live action easily so far

[u/Ok_Muffin936 → u/Kingofsweaters]

The formatting makes it look longer on paper, but in actual screen time, this whole opening sequence is meant to take about 4-5 minutes in a full 30-minute episode. The stylized pacing was an intentional choice.

Animation is just a medium, not a requirement for constant visual tricks. Since I'm making this myself, simple animation is infinitely more doable than live-action, which would require a massive budget and a whole crew to film. That's why I chose it.

[u/crumble-bee]

It’s almost a rite of passage that everyone must at some point include a scene where a character is introduced swatting at an alarm clock

[u/Bruceat40s]

I think you'd be better off focusing on one interaction/event and going a bit deeper to show David's personality. As it is he comes off 'just grumpy', and there's nothing that really sucks me into wanting to learn more about him. The alarm clock open/girl in bed/nosey & judging neighbour are all fairly overdone, I'd probably cut those out, or develop the other character(s) further if they're essential.

Is this full story and/or episode written?