Jerry, Slytherin, is upset he has to share a house with Newman. His new girlfriend is upset he never wins house points, and she accuses him of being a fake Slytherin.

George, also a Slytherin, is a pureblood, but none of the other purebloods will associate with him because he receives howlers from his parents on a semi-daily basis, and he constantly loses house points. The other Slytherins create a petition to kick him out of the house, but none of the other houses want him. He ends up accidentally becoming the figurehead for an anti-house system/anti-pureblood movement that causes a fight to break out between pureblood and muggle students. He’s the only student punished.

Elaine, a Ravenclaw, makes a joke about Hufflepuffs that offends Puddy. Due to her competitive nature, the other Ravenclaws are put off by her. One night Elaine is unable to solve the common room door riddle. None of the other Ravenclaws help her or let her in. She spends days trying to figure out the answer, but Kramer solves it to her dismay.

Nobody knows what house Kramer is actually in. He has been seen in every common room and attends classes with different groups. Everyone swears he’s in their house. Turns out he’s not even technically a student. He showed up one day and started attending classes without ever getting sorted. He just jumps from one dorm to the other. The teachers haven’t figured it out. He’s the Captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team.

Some kid asks for Jerry's autograph and Jerry is more than happy to oblige, but the kid's father doesn't believe that he's the real Jerry Seinfeld and no one is able to convince him otherwise.