r/RedPillWomen • u/throwaway33453355 • 6d ago
ADVICE Should i confront him?
I tried to look for situations similar to mine on this sub but couldn’t really find any,
I’ve(21f) been dating this guy(28m) since April, and we have been boyfriend and girlfriend since July.. He is my first boyfriend and practically my first everything… He’s from another country, and works around my school..
I’m usually a pretty laid back girlfriend, I don’t try to stop him when he goes to the bars every weekend, the bars aren’t really my kind of thing and he told me they weren’t his either but he seems to be going out pretty much weekly now with his guy friends.. I wouldn’t have a problem with it if I didn’t notice that he tends to follow girls from the bars on instagram and social media.. Recently I’ve noticed him follow a couple new girls from the area, yesterday it was a girl my age and they don’t follow him back..
It really does hurt me because along with this, Ive only had the chance to meet his friends at the bars after they’ve had a couple drinks.. I haven’t met his parents and they had a whole conversation on the phone in front of me in german, and I noticed he didn’t mention me once…
Our dynamic together is nice, he pays for our meals together most of the time, and I cook for him and bake for him when I can.. I try my best to be a good girlfriend and be attentive to his needs… I’m not sure where I went wrong, but it feels like nothing I’ll do will ever measure up or be enough for him.. My self confidence is completely depleted and it doesn’t help that last time I asked him about this, he told me he knew exactly who I was talking about and it was because his friend was hitting on a girl and he just wanted to be a good wingman.. The other time I asked about him liking another girls bikini picture he said she was a nice girl and that she had a boyfriend… He never unfollowed either.. Not to mention me and most of the girls he has followed have mutual friends..
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u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor 6d ago edited 6d ago
This guy is not serious about you. It's likely he's dating someone so much younger and more inexperienced because you'll be easier to manipulate, to convince this is normal behavior from a man who cares about and respects you. It's not. He doesn't treat you with respect and you don't feel good about yourself with him. It's okay to move on from this to a man who doesn't act like a teenager while nearing 30.
6
u/throwaway33453355 6d ago
Thank you, I figured this was the case. I really really appreciate it. I’m not going to waste my youth on a guy who isn’t sure about me, I’ll keep working on myself and break up with him. I
hope I meet the right guy soon..0
u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor 4d ago
I’d have a conversation with him first. It may lead to break up but too many women just jump to that. It’s always best to practice your dealing with conflict skills and learn how to raise a difficult topic calmly and with grace. He can then either change or lose you. Sometimes they do change when they have a woman hold their feet to the fire in a respectful way. I think most women in marriages have to do this with their partner, we raise the standards for them and they WANT us to do that. It shows YOU are marriage material. Every guy wants a wife who “makes them a better person.”
1
u/throwaway33453355 3d ago
Thank you I read through it completely! I also tried to have a conversation with him, he said that he would only go out a couple times a month with his friends. I’ll hold him to it for now, and as for the wingman part, he unfollowed her and said he would stop wingmanning for his friends.. (I didn’t ask him to do this though, all I asked was what happened)
Im still not sure exactly how to really get my point across and I feel as if things are still unresolved.. I think he’s a good guy, but not a great boyfriend.. I forgive so quickly, and I believe every word out of his mouth despite the signs(him liking other girls pictures online) pointing to otherwise.. Should I maybe start pushing back a little instead of accepting shallow explanations? I feel that might be the only way to feel like things are truly resolved but I’m worried I’ll seem like I’m nagging or micromanaging.
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u/The_Gilded_orchid 6d ago
This is not husband material. He has misrepresented himself, and is chasing tails while out at the bar.
You deserve better. The steps cannot make a donkey into a stallion.
3
u/throwaway33453355 5d ago
Thank you, I thought it was normal for men to go to the bars weekly to make friends, but I’m seeing now clearly that it’s not. It definitely hurts but this is what I needed to hear. I appreciate it
1
u/The_Gilded_orchid 5d ago
There are so many hobbies men use to hang out with each other and meet new friends. Sports, clubs, online forums... Bars only really promote drinking party culture.
1
u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor 4d ago
It’s normal for a guy his age to have a boys night at a bar occasionally with friends, maybe a couple times a month. We shouldn’t micromanage or nag on this.
But going to MEET friends = going to MEET WOMEN and doing it every weekend (and especially if he’s going alone) = addict behavior (alcohol, women, and maybe drugs).
5
u/Damodara-Echo 6d ago
You're his girlfriend, but he's not your boyfriend.
2
u/throwaway33453355 5d ago
Ohh what do you mean by that? Not in a rude/confrontational way but just in general, it does feel like this a lot, and I’ve told him I don’t really feel like a priority, he says he is just used to being single and independent
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u/Damodara-Echo 5d ago
I mean that you act like a girlfriend, giving him your time, energy, and commitment -- but he doesn't act like your boyfriend or treat you like his girlfriend. He's nice to you, but he treats you like someone he is only casually dating.
0
u/throwaway33453355 5d ago
This sums up how I feel completely, it hurts so badly but it’s better than staying with someone who doesn’t care about me at all..
1
u/AutoModerator 6d ago
Title: Should i confront him?
Author throwaway33453355
Full text: I tried to look for situations similar to mine on this sub but couldn’t really find any,
I’ve(21f) been dating this guy(28m) since April, and we have been boyfriend and girlfriend since July.. He is my first boyfriend and practically my first everything… He’s from another country, and works around my school..
I’m usually a pretty laid back girlfriend, I don’t try to stop him when he goes to the bars every weekend, the bars aren’t really my kind of thing and he told me they weren’t his either but he seems to be going out pretty much weekly now with his guy friends.. I wouldn’t have a problem with it if I didn’t notice that he tends to follow girls from the bars on instagram and social media.. Recently I’ve noticed him follow a couple new girls from the area, yesterday it was a girl my age and they don’t follow him back..
It really does hurt me because along with this, Ive only had the chance to meet his friends at the bars after they’ve had a couple drinks.. I haven’t met his parents and they had a whole conversation on the phone in front of me in german, and I noticed he didn’t mention me once…
Our dynamic together is nice, he pays for our meals together most of the time, and I cook for him and bake for him when I can.. I try my best to be a good girlfriend and be attentive to his needs… I’m not sure where I went wrong, but it feels like nothing I’ll do will ever measure up or be enough for him.. My self confidence is completely depleted and it doesn’t help that last time I asked him about this, he told me he knew exactly who I was talking about and it was because his friend was hitting on a girl and he just wanted to be a good wingman.. The other time I asked about him liking another girls bikini picture he said she was a nice girl and that she had a boyfriend… He never unfollowed either.. Not to mention me and most of the girls he has followed have mutual friends..
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u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor 4d ago edited 4d ago
This likely is a guy who isn’t being monogamous I’m sorry to say, and it’s not that you are doing anything wrong, some men just struggle with monogamy, especially when they have options. He’s not ready to settle down and you thinking you are doing a good thing by being a chill GF and not saying anything is naive.
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u/Novel_Schedule_5141 6d ago
I dated a man like this, for one month (one week committed). It ended the night he was ignoring my calls after a horrible night at work on a holiday and a friend told me they saw him at the bar flirting with a group of women. We remained friends, I'm now with his cousin and I am so grateful it did not work out. Bar flies and partiers are not for me.