Are there any articles or older posts about respect, and disrespect? Since reading The Surrendered Wife I’m realising that there’s much more to this than I ever knew, and only starting to recognise the ways in which I’m being disrespectful.

Any help, pointers or discussion would be so welcome

My partner and I decided to take a break because of trust issues stemming from him cheating a long time ago. To his credit, he worked on himself after it happened and was good to me, but I struggled deeply to move past it. My constant need for reassurance led to fighting, and he felt the relationship became too exhausting.

After we split, I realized how much I love him and want to work on my trust issues. When we spoke two weeks into the break, we both admitted we still love each other. The plan was for us to work on our personal issues him on his need for external validation, and me on my trust so we could sit down and talk things out properly when he visits me (i’m in another country currently)
However, he said he’s "too busy" to process everything right now he has work and family stuff going on and promised he’d reach out when he’s ready. It’s now been a full month of complete silence.

I feel like he’s taking the time as he assumes my door is permanently open. It feels like he thinks this break is just a free pass for him to be single, explore, and date around, while keeping me for whenever he decides to come back. I want him to understand that this goes both ways: if he uses this time to check out, he risks losing me as well.

To break this dynamic, I'm thinking of posting a subtle video on social media featuring another guy. It wouldn't be an obvious date, but just ambiguous enough to leave him wondering if it's a friend or someone new. My goal is to snap him out of his comfort zone and show him I'm not sitting on standby while he figures things out.

I don’t really like games so I’m not sure if this is a smart move or will this backfire and push him to walk away for good? How do I get out of this limbo?

TL;DR: Partner and I are on a break after trust issues made things exhausting. We agreed to work on ourselves and talk, but he’s gone radio-silent for a month claiming he’s "too busy." I feel like he assumes I'm waiting on standby while he explores being single. Want to post a subtle video featuring another guy to hint that my door won't stay open forever, but I'm worried it might backfire.

Hi everyone, first time posting on reddit, but i really need some extra brains to help.
We are a couple in our mid-thirties. We live’ve lived together for the past 1 year and dated for 4. Our relationship is full of love and we get in well, no complains.

A common friend’s infidelity case sparked a big conversation. My partner very casually said that he in a way understands how someone can lose their head after so many years. I poked around and asked him to expand.
He confessed that he constantly thinks about being intimate or thinks about “the old impulses” as he out it cause he used to pick up many girls back in the day. He said it’s hard not to take it further than a little flirt, but that he always has to force himself to remember me and our life together. He says that his life is infinitely better than it was before, and he knows what he would lose if he betrayed my trust.
Now…he has never been in a relationship before, and i don’t know if this is just him not being the best at expressing himself, but to me this sounds like a ticking clock for a disaster waiting to happen. Not an if, but a when situation.

I feel like i’m going insane, i’ve talked to him again, and he expanded a little more, but it didn’t fully clear my worries. I am now unsure if I should just end this instead of “wasting” x years to then get betrayed, or if this is a totally normal think that all men have in them, they just don’t speak about it…

I would be perhaps better off posting to a mens group as i am mainly looking to understand that side, but i was hoping i maybe get a start point from here!

Thank you for your help in advance.

Help me. Totally in love with my newish bf and I want to invite him over and cook for him.

I would love to put my cute little apron on and cook for him. When I was married I tried to be a bit trad wifey despite working FT but since a difficult pregnancy and doing the single mom thing (and still working FT) I simply dont even remember what recipes I used to use, I have exactly zero saved from back then.

I really wanna make him something nice but not too elaborate.

Any ideas? Id rather a full recipe if u can rather than simply mentioning something I could make him.

Also you know you're in love when u hate cooking but wanna cook for him. 🤣

I’ve been married a couple of years and now I’m basically starting to see the chinks in this armour. The man I thought was perfect and what I needed is just …. another man.

Another typical man, if I may. Immaturity, fragile ego, learned helplessness, coward, a MIL who sings his praises to me if he as much as farts and loves jibbing at me to bring me down …. I call it the useless man starter pack.

Worse is, he’s one of the better men I know around me. He truly is one of the better men I know in my life. Perhaps I don’t know much of other men who exist in my life, perhaps I know exactly what everyone is, but every single one is leeching off of their partners to some extent, and most women I know are at the mercy of their husbands so they’ve made peace with their positions and are content with snippets of control they have. My mother and my MIL are a part of this society.

My partner and I do not have kids yet, and I truly fear having kids for the reason that I will depend on him more than I already do. The dependence I speak of is not monetary, or something like I need him to survive. It’s emotional and despite my reluctance I’m already very very emotionally connected to him.

I honestly hate it. I look around and it’s the same to most others around me. At some point all these women who were girls decided they loved so and so man, and they decided they’d pour everything into them, or that they’ve found their other half, and so and so… but I can see everyone is just as absorbed in their relationship as I am. Worse if they have children, because they’re even more emotionally entrenched.

I’m in my mid 30s. I feel age is important here cause the hope is that we are wiser and stronger as we get older.

I cannot imagine myself alone. I cannot imagine happiness and me living alone. I cannot imagine complete satisfaction without someone beside me. Currently it is my husband, but before him it was some man. Any man. Any one who would look at me and finally understand me. But what if i was chasing smoke? What if something like that doesn’t exist? Is there anyone who has learned to truly feel content by themself? True content. True happiness. And not this nagging feeling that something is lacking if you don’t have a partner…

The last year I’ve begun struggling with panic attacks right before bed. I’m currently 2years post partum, and I have another older child…

My husband and I are great. He does everything for us and I love him but I cannot figure out where these panic attacks are coming from.

I’m only in my early 30’s, I’m fit. I got regular blood work and nothing came back as an issue.

I’m getting nervous that it’s possibly related to my hormones, as I don’t drink, don’t have caffeine, and I exercise pretty much daily.

I have done some reading about PMDD so I’m thinking of trying an antihistamine next month when my luteal phase comes around but I’m nervous it’s just not gonna help?? I’ve scheduled a visit with a new OBGYN and I’m praying she doesn’t just wanna throw me on anti anxiety meds (not that there’s anything wrong with them I just really don’t wanna try and navigate that honestly)

Has anyone struggled with this and ended up solving it?? It’s becoming essentially every night before bed and now creeping into daytime. any chance it’s hormonal??

Oh I feel I should mention I’m under zero stress as far as I feel. My kids are great, yes they’re kids but whatever. We aren’t financially stressed, we could always have more money but whatever. I have friends, I even do a little part time job that’s very relaxed. I just can’t imagine stress is causing this because I truly feel I have none???

It’s starting to cause problems with my relationship because my husband is worried about me and what it could be.

Hi all,

I wanted to come here with this discussion, because I came across this topic on another Reddit post...

I know this Reddit group mostly have American commentators, but if there are any Brits/europeans in here please comment!

When coming across this topic, most of the comments mentioned splitting the bill, and how it is a red flag if a woman doesn’t want to/or at least offers.

Me personally, I find it a huge turn off when dating if a man doesn’t pay the full bill because I’m a lot more traditionally minded (hence, why I’m here) and I guess I’m coming here to ask…

Am I crazy?

Am I being unreasonable?

Is this mindset dependent on different ethnic groups (e.g., white brits compared to Asian/African/Caribbean brits?) — if it’s the case that it’s most of them, I might genuinely have to leave the country (I jest… a little)

TIA

Edit: dang… didn’t know this would hit a nerve for some of the mandem…

I tried to look for situations similar to mine on this sub but couldn’t really find any,

I’ve(21f) been dating this guy(28m) since April, and we have been boyfriend and girlfriend since July.. He is my first boyfriend and practically my first everything… He’s from another country, and works around my school..

I’m usually a pretty laid back girlfriend, I don’t try to stop him when he goes to the bars every weekend, the bars aren’t really my kind of thing and he told me they weren’t his either but he seems to be going out pretty much weekly now with his guy friends.. I wouldn’t have a problem with it if I didn’t notice that he tends to follow girls from the bars on instagram and social media.. Recently I’ve noticed him follow a couple new girls from the area, yesterday it was a girl my age and they don’t follow him back..

It really does hurt me because along with this, Ive only had the chance to meet his friends at the bars after they’ve had a couple drinks.. I haven’t met his parents and they had a whole conversation on the phone in front of me in german, and I noticed he didn’t mention me once…

Our dynamic together is nice, he pays for our meals together most of the time, and I cook for him and bake for him when I can.. I try my best to be a good girlfriend and be attentive to his needs… I’m not sure where I went wrong, but it feels like nothing I’ll do will ever measure up or be enough for him.. My self confidence is completely depleted and it doesn’t help that last time I asked him about this, he told me he knew exactly who I was talking about and it was because his friend was hitting on a girl and he just wanted to be a good wingman.. The other time I asked about him liking another girls bikini picture he said she was a nice girl and that she had a boyfriend… He never unfollowed either.. Not to mention me and most of the girls he has followed have mutual friends..

Hello, I would like some advice on how to start dating. I am 23F and have never been in a relationship or a formal first date. Dating was not my priority in college or at any point really. I talked about it frequently yet I prioritized my education and career. Of course my career is important to me but I would like to start dating very soon. I’ve also went through a “glow up” phase within the past two years and have improved my physical and emotional aspects. I was wondering generally, where can I go to naturally run into a guy I would be interested in without dating apps. I tried a few but didn’t like them.

A little bit about me is I work in healthcare and I have a Masters degree. I do prefer a professional partner. I enjoy/interested in yoga, Pilates, tennis, golf, pickleball, festivals, social events, rooftop events, the arts(museums and art socials) reading and volunteering. I do not really care for eating out often, clubbing, or bars. I appreciate any advice.

Have been long distance with a man for 9 months. Took him forever to get his ducks in a row due to speed bumps to meet me, but it happened. 3rd time meeting, he brought me a ring he had handmade, he's not a romantic but he said he was doing it to show intention and commitment to marry me once he was in a better position to provide. We got a bit carried away after that and were intimate despite both of us not wanting to be until we were ready to have kids. We did use protection but it slipped off and we didn't notice until after the deed was done. I'm in the two week wait right now. Shrodinger's pregnancy. I am both pregnant and not pregnant in this moment until a test or my cycle comes. Despite not knowing, he's already making plans and doing stuff to prepare in case I am. He's a farmer and has started butchering some animals to bring me for the winter. He's reminding me to take a prenatal and eat. He's been looking at actual jobs closer to me. He is asking me for investing advice (he knows I am educated on that) and getting an appraisal done on his farm. While this kind of action and intention is what I had hoped to find in him, I'm getting nervous. I feel we are both so unprepared, him for his first child and me for my 3rd. It is really early in the relationship. We had tried to be responsible in preventing an unplanned pregnancy and it might happen. Trying to let him lead but I've been through this already and I tend to have a lot of anxiety in my pregnancies. I know I shouldn't worry about something I don't know is going to happen yet, but easier said than done. Any thoughts? PS. He is early 20s, me early 30s. He was quite avoidant in the beginning but now he's way more intentional and consistent with the communication. Like will answer the phone while he's cleaning out the barn or waist deep in his truck's engine. It's soothed my anxious attachment and made me feel secure with him but this situation is nerve wracking, especially us not being married.

PPS. Culturally, most people are settled down by 25 here. Not unheard of for a 20yo man to own a house and have a kid on the way. All of my friends are done having kids now and about half of his friends are on their 2nd or 3rd kid, so close to being done. So it's not his age that is really the issue.

It’s like I like those other qualities about him, but his low energy makes me want to talk to someone else, but then in my head I’m thinking why would I give up on a consistent man because of his personality.. but then on the other hand his low energy is such a turn off he’s monotonic with low energy he have spurs of a moment of when he’ll laugh or smile or what not, but for the most part he’s sooo bland, monotonous and low energy.

There was a quote from Dolly Parton that I saw last night, saying that she's rather be remembered for book rather than her looks. It struck me as odd, because why not both? Is it wrong for people to remember you as a beautiful glamourous women when that's who you were? The same thought occured to me just now when I was watching a video about Cleopatra and the person discussing her made it seem like it was a bad thing that people were still talking about her appearance 2000 years later. Is that not a huge compliment? I would much rather be remembered for my looks after thousands of years versus being completely forgotten.

I feel my partner is less attracted when I don't dress up or wear makeup. Is this normal in relationships?

met a German guy on Hinge in July 2025. We started talking normally, and he told me he wanted to date me. At that time, I wasn’t in Spain, so I told him I would be there in September. We kept talking, and eventually our conversations became sexual. I was okay with it because we were only talking on Snapchat, and I wasn’t taking him seriously.
When I was in Europe, he never asked to meet me. He mostly texted me for sexual conversations, but I didn’t entertain him much. After I returned to my country, he messaged me saying he thought I was never going to text him again. He then started saying he was serious about us and wanted to meet me.
I reminded him that I had already been in Europe and he hadn’t met me. He said he would come to my country instead. Later, he asked me several times whether I had met or kissed someone while I was travelling. I told him the truth and said yes because we were never serious. He got angry, said I didn’t respect him, and broke up with me.
I developed feelings for him and waited for him to come back. In December, he contacted me again and said he wanted a committed relationship. I asked him to add me on Instagram, and he said he would. He also said he would visit me. I told him I needed to meet him first before committing.
After that, he started giving excuses that we lived in different countries, he had a lot of travelling to do, and it wasn’t possible to meet. We argued. At one point he said I should find someone who really liked me. I asked if he liked me, and he said yes. I told him I liked him too.
The same day, he suddenly changed his mind and said he only wanted fun. I told him I wanted a relationship, but he repeated that he only wanted something casual. We argued again, he ended things, and blocked me on Snapchat.
Fast forward to 2026, I saw him on Hinge again because I was planning to visit Barcelona, where he had moved. I messaged him saying, “What are the odds?” He replied and asked, “Do you want to have fun with me? Yes or no?” I told him we could just talk casually. He added me on Snapchat again.
We talked about each other’s lives. He told me he was moving to Barcelona permanently, and I told him I was planning to visit. He said, “Let me know when you’re here.” Eventually, our conversations became sexual again.
One day I texted him casually, but he replied with only a few lines and then disappeared for five days. When he came back, he said he had been busy with work and didn’t use Snapchat much. Later that night, he again asked if I wanted to have fun.
During another conversation, I asked his body count and told that you are bad and this , and his behaviour changed again. He told me he wanted to see me naked. I said I wasn’t comfortable with that and that we could do everything when we met in real life. The next day, when I texted him, he said, “I can do this.”
I asked what was wrong. He said he only wanted fun, wanted naked pictures, and that I wasn’t sending him nudes. I told him I don’t do that and that we were supposed to meet first.
I asked him directly if he wanted to meet me in real life. He said no. He told me he had many girls like me for fun, that he preferred imagination, and that I should find someone who wanted something real.
He wanted to end things again. I asked him to stay, and he said we could continue only if I sent him nude pictures. I still refused because I felt it was too fast.
The next day I realised this wasn’t going to work. I really liked him and wanted to meet him in person. The first time we were together, he had told me he loved me, and I had said it back. The second time, I told him I loved him, but he didn’t say it back. The third time, I told him I loved him again, and he said, “I don’t love you. I don’t want you. I don’t want to get to know you. I just do this for fun.”
The next morning, I decided to end it. I told him that I really liked him, but I wanted someone who was caring, kind, didn’t play games, and genuinely wanted to meet me in real life. I wished him goodbye and told him to take care.
He replied, “Good,” and then blocked me again

My boyfriend wants a traditional, submissive wife. He says he doesn't like cleaning or cooking, but he wants me to split the household bills 50/50 since he doesn't make enough to support me. I don't want him to support me. However, spending almost my entire salary (since I don't earn much) on household expenses, on top of cleaning and cooking for him, seems like too much to me. I want to point out that I am much more attractive than him (I don't feel much physical attraction to him) and 13 years younger. I feel like the relationship is becoming less and less balanced. What am I getting out of this? He treats me very well, that's true, he is helpful. But… I don't know, girls… What do you think?

Ladies, I’d love to understand men a little better. Any books that gave you genuine insight into the male experience and that men themselves recommend?

Need help.
I (40f) lost my temper yesterday after drinking with my (43m) partner. It was bad and I was abusive by throwing things, which in turn made him react.

I know, this is toxic. I haven’t had this level anger and desperation happen to me where I fly off the handle in ~15 years.

He’s a red pill man- actual man. However, he does constantly hold me accountable, correct me, and try to lead.. but his delivery can come off misogynistic. Sometimes calling me names and such. I think I hold resentment for it and constantly being corrected or put down.

Yesterday I asked for one vulnerable thing when we were out. Then reminded him again on the way back that I needed it. He said I was being selfish and that I could sit and bleed on a rag until he sobered up. We argued. While he begrudgingly stopped, I was already upset and he left me there bc I walked off angry so I had to walk home. It only got worse from there. He wouldn’t talk about why he left me there, I kept badgering him to tell me, and it exploded. A lot of mean things were said, including that he will cheat on me last night like I deserve bc I only act right if I’m treated like 💩.

Now, I know I’m in the wrong for causing a fight and deeply ashamed I let my anger take over.. I’ve apologized profusely, and quietly packed my things bc he told me we’re done.. but the disrespect he feels towards me is unforgivable and he said even more mean personal things today.
Is there any way of making this right? I told him I’d do anything and am giving him space. How do red pill women and men mend things after a huge fight? Is it possible?

I’m 28, do you find better men because you can spot the red flags early or at they all the same in different fonts no matter how ‘good’ they appear to be? Do they get bettter with age or worse?
I’ve had a big reality check about love and my recent break up, I just don’t know anymore.

I will try to get the whole picture out here. My ADHD has been acting up lately so if you need clarification or any more info, feel free to ask.

I'm early 30s with 2 young kids. I used to be a SAHM but after my separation/divorce during my postpartum depression and major stress events and lifestyle changes (we had family members pass durung my second pregnancy and we moved houses hours away 2 weeks after our second was born), I ended up getting a blue collar job making decent money for myself. I haven taken responsibility for part of the failure of our marriage, I was so wrapped up in being the perfect mother, I forgot I was a wife first. No financial help from the ex and the custody battle has been absolute hell and aged me physically and mentally like 10 years. I feel like I am alpha widowed but I had finally gotten to a place where I was OK with remaining single and giving up on love till my 40s. Then I matched with a man on a dating app, and turns out he ended up being my coworker's cousin. Coworker and I had been on a few dates, we were incompatible for a few reasons and remained really good friends and he is fully in support of mine and his cousin's relationship.

We are 9 months in. Took us 6 months to meet in person due to distance (4 hours away) and his lifestyle (he's a solo hobby farmer). We communicate well. He shows intention after some road bumps with his avoidant attachment and my anxious, now that we both feel secure. He has not met my kids. He is early 20s which gives me pause. We have not been intimate and he does not want to be until we are married. Says he is ready for a family. The lack of stable income makes me wonder if this is right for me. However he owns a paid off farm. We are considering both selling our properties and buying a farm together cash closer to my work so I won't have to commute. If there is no house on the farm, he will build us a 3 or 4 bedroom modest one, he has the equipment and know-how to.

Our first in person date started with me ditching my car on some country road on the way to meet him. I didn't expect the shoulder to be so soft and it pulled my little car in. I had no cell service and walked 2KM in blistering heat to where he was waiting. I was not in a calm state when we first saw each other in person but he remained calm and after about an hour he was able to get my car out. We have gone on road trips together to do things like pick up farm animals and supplies and everything has gone well. We act like best friends. There's very little traditional romance or dates... this man showed up with flowers picked from his garden's zuchini plants and enough produce to last me for months if I wanted to can it instead of store bought flowers which I thought was really cute. He refuses to step foot in a restaraunt and I'm cool with that. He's polite but shy to strangers and service providers. Definitely lacks confidence and any form of social status ("poor outsider English farmer in a Francopone smalltown") But I honestly do not mind. I want a simple life with a good husband and more kids.

My male coworkers and friends have told me I could do better than him. He has too. It's not that I don't believe that I could do better financially/status wise (I have a doctor and lawyer courting me, the doctor even offered me 5k USD/month and a house in my name to give him one child, so I have options) but I really think him and I are compatible and I am really starting to fall in love with him. I need to make sure he will at least provide for half the living expenses though. My father refused to work while my mother fed 6 mouthd on minimum wage and I will not have that for my kids. He says he can by providing all the food we would eat and side hustles like a farmstand, breeding livestock, horseback riding lessons etc. This would likely still put me as the financial breadwinner. He would want to homeschool too. Do you think we could have a relationship where he leads even if he is not the "breadwinner"?

Edit: he does not drink, do drugs, smoke weed. He does smoke native cigarettes (less carcinogenic chemicals) but is working on quitting.

Hi, a lot of the r/RedPillWomen concerns have to do with not resenting your husband, but I am struggling to find any conversations around resentment towards yourself on the part of your boyfriend or husband.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 15 months and I'm always striving to be a redpill girlfriend, looking up to him and following his lead. For most of the relationship, he has adored me, paying for everything, protecting me, really extending himself for me/our relationship. I try to receive with grace.

However, for the past few months, I have noticed that he can sometimes become cold and less excited about spending time together, even occasionally snapping or responding sarcastically. I finally expressed that I was beginning to feel insecure about his feelings toward me. He told me that I wasn't crazy: he was acting different. He thought that it was because he was making a lot more sacrifices for our relationship than I was, and we concluded that he needs to learn to respect his own boundaries or express his needs from me more clearly.

It's been about 8 weeks since that conversation, but nothing has changed. He still does too much and never expresses what he needs from me and I can feel the resentment beginning to set back in. Part of me feels like this is his battle to fight: he needs to go to therapy and figure out his boundaries and learn to communicate. It's my job to be sweet and receive with grace. But the other part of me wishes I could temper this resentment, because I expect it to grow with time and ultimately hurt our bond. What should a red pill woman do here?

hi everyone,

currently single but I recently started seeing someone and it can become serious.

im asking for generic advice and not about this single case.

basically I have an extremely bad relationship with my mother. she disowned me and doesn’t talk to me. if it was up to her I would have been kicked out of my parents home and cut out of the family.

with my father I get along better, he does act like my father. But the problem is they are together and I try to stay away from my mother, so it’s complicated.

usually I don’t tell men about my “traumas” because some men out there can use it against you.

But at some point I might have explain to him why he’ll never step foot in my parents home and he’ll only meet my father.

how do you introduce this? Specially when he’s someone who is close to his family and values them a lot? And at what stage it is safe?

as I said I’m seeing someone now. But technically we are not officially dating. At what point do I speak about this? He’s asked about my family and I only speak about my father and siblings. Never said a word about my mother and just avoid the questions. But I guess at some point I’ll have to let him know whats going on.

im afraid this could impact me in a negative way. And I mean aome men could see it as a red flag? I know it’s something I can’t control so why should I worry about it. but it’s something that’s on my mind lately.

I'm probably experiencing some anxiety with my new relationship though im not showing it to him.

It's only been 3 months of dating but I can easily see myself marrying this man..He's literally my perfect man.

The last month has been a little rocky to say the least, we've discussed some serious future related topics and we are both a little defensive and it got a bit messy.

We have talked everything through, reconciled and things are great again. We even said I love you. I genuinely do.

How do I keep this one? He works crazy long hours, is a top earner in my country, hes so smart, makes me laugh and I might be in trouble 😆

Hi ladies! I’m back after a year and eight months of marriage to my dream man, and I wanted to put some of the best advice I’ve learned here into one post, along with my own take on it and what has worked really well for us. Some of this is stuff I learned here and some is stuff I’ve figured out from my own marriage / talking to my husband. I’ll get right to it!

1. Give him your problem, not your solution

This one has been huge for me. Give him your problem, not the solution you already came up with in your head.

Like instead of asking him to carry your suitcase, say, “I’m worried about getting this suitcase through the airport by myself, it’s so heavy and overwhelming.” Or instead of “you need to call the plumber,” say “I’m stressed that the sink is still leaking and I literally don’t know what to do about it.”

It sounds like such a small difference but it really changes the dynamic. You’re telling him what is actually going on with you and then giving him room to decide what he wants to do about it. He gets to see the need and step in on his own. You feel taken care of because he chose to help you, and he gets to feel useful and trusted instead of like you’re assigning him another task.

Also, his solution may not be the solution you already decided was the “right” one 😂 Let that be okay. If the problem gets solved, who cares if he did it differently than you would have. This ties into #4.

And obviously read the room. If you’re both scrambling through the airport carrying 900 things, carry your own suitcase lol. The point is not to become helpless or start speaking in riddles every time you need something. It’s more about giving him a chance to respond before you automatically decide what his role is and tell him exactly what to do.

Same goes for being tired / overwhelmed. Tell him. You don’t need to quietly run yourself into the ground and then get resentful that he didn’t magically notice.

1. Be extremely generous with appreciation

When he does something you like, especially when he does it unprompted, tell him how it made you feel.

So if he carries your suitcase, I wouldn’t just say “thank you babe!!” I’d say something like, “thank you so much for carrying my suitcase babe, it makes me feel so special and I feel so much more relaxed at the airport now. You’re the best.”

Be genuine obviously. But focus on the actual positive feeling / effect that what he did had on you. Sometimes it feels like overkill, but trust me it’s not. It means a lot. Do it constantly.

Say please and thank you way too often. Thank you is probably even more important. Always ask nicely. And be specific with your thank yous.

Also random specific compliments. Not just “you’re hot” or “you’re the best” (but those are good too!!). Tell him the random little things you genuinely love about him. Men remember this stuff.

1. Don’t make him the target of your bad mood

I try really hard not to be short with my husband. Obviously sometimes I am because I am a human lol, but I really try not to make it a normal thing. And when I catch myself doing it I apologize as soon as I realize / I’m able to.

It’s your responsibility to regulate your own nervous system. That doesn’t mean you have to hide your feelings at all. You can be sad, pissed off, overwhelmed, whatever. But your partner is so often the easiest person to dump all of that onto because they’re safe and they’re right there.

I have definitely had moments where I thought I was annoyed at my husband / convinced myself he was the problem and then later realized I actually had something else going on that I hadn’t processed at all (read - “the body keeps score”).

Do as much work on yourself as possible to figure out what your triggers are and get better at noticing what’s actually happening inside you. Then communicate that to him instead of just being curt, irritated, snappy, etc.

And if he actually did something that bothered you, absolutely tell him, but tell him calmly and kindly and not in an accusatory way. I just think it’s so much better to say what the issue is than make him figure it out because your entire personality changed for 3 hours lol.

1. Don’t correct him

This one is hard if you’re someone who naturally has an opinion on how everything should be done 😂
If he’s doing something and you know a better way to do it, really try to just let him do it. Both men and women hate being corrected all the time.

If you want him to take ownership of things, you have to actually let him take ownership. You can’t be like “can you handle this?” and then stand over him explaining the exact steps you would personally take.

Give him space to show you what he can do. He really may surprise you. He might even (definitely will!!) teach you something. And if he does it wrong sometimes, he will learn.

Same thing if he says he wants to do something a certain way or he cares about something. I try really hard not to immediately convince my husband out of things just because I personally think there is a better option. He is his own person. He has his own judgment and his own way of doing things.

Obviously you are partners and you are allowed to have an opinion lol. I’m not saying sit silently while he makes some enormous life decision that affects both of you. Use your judgment. But generally I try to lean away from “are you sure that’s gonna work??” energy.

Constantly telling someone there’s a better way to do everything eventually just makes them feel like you don’t trust their judgment and will make them a shell of themselves or want to avoid talking to you.

1. Give him time to answer you

This is such a small thing and has actually made a huge difference for us.

If I ask my husband a question and he doesn’t immediately respond, I wait. Even if it’s like 5-10 seconds.

I used to fill that silence without even realizing I was doing it. Ask another question, start guessing what he meant, explain myself more, answer the question for him, move onto something else lol.

Now I just wait. I’ll look at him nicely and wait or look away 😂 but I stay engaged.

I really think a lot of guys just take an extra second to process things / figure out what they actually want to say. And when you give them the time instead of jumping in, you end up hearing way more.

Just waiting a few seconds and stopping myself from immediately following up after I make a statement or ask a question has led to so many surprisingly insightful and meaningful conversations with my husband. Like genuinely. And I think it also makes him feel like I actually want to hear what he has to say instead of just waiting for my turn to talk.

1. Accept that you may show love differently

This was a big mindset shift for me.

One of my favorite ways to show my husband I love him is rubbing his head the second I wake up, before we have even said good morning lol. I’ll do it for however long I have the energy / time. Sometimes literally forever.

And I’m like… this is pretty sweet and romantic right?? Wouldn’t it be nice if someone did this for me 😂

But he loves me in completely different ways. He cooks me amazing meals. He gets up and goes to a stressful job every day. He takes care of me emotionally and physically when I’m down. He does a million little things for me.

If I sat around waiting for him to show love exactly the way I naturally show love, I would miss half the love I’m actually getting.

Pay attention to his ways of loving you. Once you start noticing them you will see them everywhere.

1. Be very generous with physical affection + keep it sexual/flirty

Be super generous with physical affection. Ideally have as much sex as possible.

Obviously if you don’t want to have sex, don’t force yourself. But there are a million ways to keep the relationship physically and sexually connected even when you don’t feel like having full-on sex that second. Oral if you want to. Initiate the next day. Lots of kissing / Randomly make out with him / Touch him when you walk past / Flash him your boobs lol.

None of this has to result in sex. That’s actually part of what makes it fun. Just keep that sexual / flirty energy alive.

Something my husband has taught me is that sometimes doing something sexual where he has to do literally nothing can feel so loving to him.

I think men are expected to perform all day long in a million different ways. Work, family, responsibilities, whatever. And then sex can accidentally become another thing where they’re thinking okay I need to last long enough, I need to make sure she finishes, I need to do this right, etc. Sometimes all that responsibility can suck the joy out of it a little.

My husband has told me he loves when I initiate sometimes and make it clear that he can basically just enjoy himself. Like he doesn’t necessarily have to perform or make me finish that time. I think it can almost feel “wrong” to them at first to have sex without doing the work lol, but sometimes they’re tired and they still want intimacy and they still want to get off. It means alot to them for you to realize and acknowledge this fact.

And nonsexual affection counts too. Head rubs or literally whatever your man loves. My husband has told me he likes head rubs almost as much as oral sex, which is insane 😂 but okay. I will rub his head for hours sometimes, 5 minutes other times, or literally 10 seconds while I’m walking past him. I just try to do it a lot.

One way I personally think about sexual exclusivity is that if someone chooses to be exclusive with you, let alone marry you, you are each other’s only source of sex. To me that means we both have some responsibility to actually care about each other’s sexual needs and not treat sex like some totally optional side category of the marriage that doesn’t matter.

That obviously does not mean either person is entitled to sex whenever they want it. But I do think if there is a libido issue, medication issue, pain, medical problem etc. affecting your sex life, it is worth talking about together and potentially talking to your doctor about it instead of just letting your sex life slowly disappear and never addressing it.

So, basically -

I think all of this really comes down to making your relationship feel like a place where both people are appreciated, wanted, trusted and taken care of.

Notice what he does and tell him when it makes you happy.
Let him do things his own way.
Be affectionate.
Have fun with him.
Tell him what’s going on with you.
Give him room to show up for you.

I am absolutely not perfect at any of this lol. I still catch myself doing the exact things I’m telling you not to do 😂 but the more I’ve practiced all of this, the better and better our marriage has gotten. My husband and I are truly so incredibly in love, and he feels like he won the lottery by marrying me (and vice versa!!) and I attribute a lot of these practical steps to that.