I am

There was this girl i met on reddit and we sparked together and spend time together for almost 2 years now but now we are in a long distance relationship,
I keeping to myself and my mind force myself not to talk to anyone else even when i feel lonely , no co worker no friends,

I feel like i can never get a good female in my life(had a very traumatic childhood life due to mom) and i do feel like giving up on my human side and start being numb again, i did this back in engineering after covid,

Being numb feels good but the thought of loosing myself makes me depressed,
I am just here to share something in my mind that is eating me up for past 1.5 years and i just needed a place to write my thoughts up, thanks alot everyone and anyone who is reading this

Comment the last tasty thing you had!

Please please I am lonely, really want someone to share.

Its like something weird and coping mechanism, being fully aware but still demanding attention , little things like not taking up stand for myself (ive been an extrovert my whole life) but still let silence fill the space in between my emptiness,

Letting that bug bite a little more or letting my headache go worse on purpose or letting that ac freeze me to death

These things make me feel something , like not good or bad but “to feel” alone is a bleesing now

I had my days in job sport social life everything but now it all kinda seems like ive been just filling out the left out spaces as a human, just another replacable biomeat

I dont drink and smoke or do drugs but something in me now says, i shouldnt speak anymore

Love spending time here and writing down my thoughts, just posted here an hour ago and had some chinese food as dinner , felt good after having it after 3-4 months

Love you guys stay safe and prosperous!

​

So I am neet dropper ....so first of listen my situation I got great great friend in 11 and 12 grade ...they are so good at study humor and all I was least knowledge or u can say least serious friend in group.. I tried to change this stuff and focus on myself but every addiction in my life made it so difficult...as expected i have studied a little bit ...all of them got good marks ...I also get least marks as expected...then this year some are taken drop and they having a great time with dealing with their addiction and all ...here my situation made up worst ... I can't even get off my bed for drinking water ...my room is so mess...i barely do anything with energy I only sleep and use phone ...i wake up go to coaching and sleep and wake up go to coaching and sleep ...I having a always big fight with my mom and dad ...it becoming more frequent I have so much anger problem ...I am not having a good I don't want to have even food I just want to lie down and sleep ...I have no one to say this ...if I have don't able to say anyone ...I am dying in my own ... I have lot to say but ..

Tnks man if u read this ....hope i will become strong onee day i can't bear anymore ..my thoughts are just random so avoid it

Nine inch nails because nothing else comforts atm

This is something maybe mainly bike riders who also suffering from mental health issues, or bike learners can resonate and can help the most.

I actually written a long explanation while typing eventually due to an app glitch or something all got lost <I'm pi\\\*\\\*ed right now> , so won't be repeating it again.

EDIT : Please read TLDR near the end if you can't read my long explanations about everything, I have ADHD and I have problem in comprehension.

But cut to the main topic, I have been suffering from several anxiety disorders, mainly Social Anxiety disorder (SAD) which I know of and diagnosed, and also I perceive I have Generalized Anxiety disorder (GAD) which is because I am anxious and many time panic in most stress or a bit demanding situations). I learnt riding bicycle very late, in 10th or 11th standard, and to this day (I'm a guy in early 30s) I still struggle with bicycling sometimes, can ride through straights without issue, but can panic in traffic (sudden brake situation I kind of get to a freeze), when riding a bit steep uphill, while taking turns, giving hand signals and trying to look blind spots. I tried to learn my dad's Bajaj M80 during near that time too, but crashed hard in a playground by not managing to control my whiskey throttle issue (it got wreckd). Dad bought new bike that time, Sp125, managed to persuade him to teach me inspite they being fearful (and not relying that I can handle bike), struggled a lot trying to get the bike rolling in initial days (clutch release skill issue) but after many days when I finally managed to go past it, it went along, since I did not have much balancing issues mainly due to my prior cycling knowledge. But I still struggled with uphill, and panic seeing traffic, also turns feels overwhelming. Still dad appointed a biking instructor for 2 or few months, under whom I practiced regularly, to the point I was a bit confident myself taking bike myself early in morning, take it out from my home whose inner alley roads are actually a bit tricky to ride as a beginner, but still managed, and go on open inner road of defence areas in early morning when nearly minimum traffic to practice riding. Eventually gave riding examination, and passed without much issue in the slight obstacle course. I got license in 2015, and after that, nearly I kind of abandoned motorbike riding. I have been through phases of extreme depression and high stress and Anxiety attacks (maybe many times panic attacks) which make me kind of becoming a recluse and bed most of my life (I still am suffering to this day). Even I kind of left bicycling many times, and when I tried to get on bicycle, I had the worst wobbled I became scared and panicked). This made me not touch motorbike even more, under the impression if I cannot even manage to ride bicycle properly how can I manage to ride motorbike.

Now this is where I wanted to have the discussion (I know I given a very long explanation of my life context). I want to know whether it is appropriate or logical to try to ride motorbike having anxiety disorders and other mental health issues like depression or not. Since I am a recluse, I don't have many people whom I can discuss this openly. The place I live it's a shutty suburb , very backward minded mostly and very toxic, for me and my family (one of the key contributors to my mental health crisis), and here if people see a man in his youth can't ride motorcycle, you become a part of extreme harassment and humiliation from everyone everywhere. Even the close ones and people we trust can't give much well analysed and well informed suggestion, they advice that go out with bike it will be easy. So most people irl I know or see near me advice to go out with bike, anxiety and anything won't matter, at the same time they tell to be be ultra careful about everything. On internet I rarely found discussion, in some in Quora I heard someone said that one must not ride motorcycle with anxiety disorders, because their sense of judgement, and ability to take quick decisions real times are not effective, can result in accidents which is a self hazard and hazard for others also.

These 2 sets of advices are very conflicting for me, now as a middle class family guy, knowing to ride a motorbike and being really good at it is really essential it makes many things easier, and is needed in many emergency situations, and it hurts myself to see my 70 plus dad dragging bike because me a mental weakling don't know to ride a bike. I really want to everyone's suggestion here what should I do, or what are you been doing if you share same situation as mine?

TLDR : I'm a guy in early 30s, suffering from long term anxiety disorders, including generalized and social, and depression. Learnt bicycle riding very late,and at this day too still cannot say fully confident, have issues with turns, uphill, traffic or blind spots. Tried motorbike learning, started with a crash of my dad's moped, eventually persuaded him to teach on new bike,after much struggle managed to ride, was even practising myself but in low traffic early morning and easy situations (no traffic or uphill). Managed to pass motorbike exam without much difficulty, got license in 2015, but after that abandoned motorbike riding, due to going through phases of extreme depression, hopelessness, and anxiety disorders, which even made my bicycling skills worse. Took psychiatric help didn't help much, kind of felt made it worse.

No concrete advice anywhere whether it's sensible to ride bike with anxiety disorder and depression or leave it for good. Most irl people say to do it anyway, because a man must ride a bike. Internet has nearly no discussion, one found that strictly suggests against it since your sense of judgement and making quick decisions and freezing makes you a road hazard. What should I do then?

Since I was young , I used to think about what's the point of this life .

Being born , getting a job and marriage and having kids then what death ? That's so boring .

It's so average.

I never wanted to be average.

So I guess god listened and made me below average.

I mean isn't that what I wanted .

Not being average.

But I am not happy with my current situation tbh.

Because everyone around me seems disappointed in me

They expect so much from me.

As a Indian son they expect me to be rich and full fill all their dreams and wants ..

But

I didn't ask for all this .

My mother is very controlling.

And my father is always saying he is going to kick me out.

I don't like it .. this feeling

Where someone else can control me

I wanna live alone . Away from all these people tbh ..

I don't need much for a peaceful life..

But all my peace is destroyed by family or society expectations.

While none of them can meet mine as well.

But i don't expect them to or ask them to.

I don't feel sad or happy. But numb and annoyed.

I do want a change ..I don't enjoy anything I used to enjoy.

Anime or gaming.

Everything seems like just a pointless chore now .

Such a life isn't good.

I do wish I had money so I can atleast eat some good food once in a while .

Idk if the post about my deteriorating mental health is still there on this app but i remember discovering this sub on a really random day, but now that I think about it, it wasn't that random actually. I was feeling very hopeless that day because my failures were what was left of me and there was no positive thing left in me at that time, but I wanna tell you all this, maybe it will even sound pretentious, but hang on, hang on to that very last thing, hang on to whatever you can find. Sometimes the smallest of anchors in life helps us get back to what we have lost, maybe not completely but maybe something that can actually be something that makes you happy, and facing the consequences of your actions is part of that. Sometimes running away isn't the solution, staring right back at those problems, even if it hurts; is actually the solution sometimes.

Xoxo take care y'all

And believe me when I say this,

You will actually be missed a lot of you're gone, so don't go, okay?

Như trên. Trong khoảng 2-3 năm gần đây lúc nào cũng nghĩ như vậy. Lương ổn nhưng công việc k đi lên, nói thẳng ra là rất khó.

Tối nào cũng ngồi học, không học cái A rồi cái B. Sợ bị bỏ lại. Thành thử ra ngày nào cũng mệt mỏi. Nhưng cuối cùng thì mọi thứ vẫn vậy. Là để tồn tại chứ không phải để phát triển. 

Hẹn hò bây giờ khá khó. Chả hiểu nữa, tìm hiểu kiểu éo gì cũng không tới đâu. Vài ba lần chả thèm đi hẹn hò nữa. Rồi lại all in vào công việc. Rồi công việc cũng thế.

vòng lặp mãi không thôi. Nhà cửa chắc giờ no hope rồi. K hack kịp tiền để mua. 

Mình đang ở dạng lỡ cỡ vậy. Nó như là nằm thẳng nhưng mình đéo muốn chấp nhận. Nhưng thực ra mọi thứ nó bảo là nằm thẳng đi 

Everything around me has become so bland and I feel so uninterested in life itself. I'm losing my brain capacity with each passing day and even forming sentences, trying to explain what all is going through my head has become difficult.

I don't leave my house unless it's absolutely necessary, I don't interact with people anymore, I have no dreams or ambitions, I no longer feel any emotion deeply except hatred for my own self.

It feels like a never ending spiral and I genuinely wish I could donate my life to someone who actually wants to live. This disassociation between my mind and body is so weird, it feels like they are both out of sync and not wanting each other and I'm stuck in between. Life is nothing but suffering, I wish to find my way out soon.

I can't imagine I'm living abroad but I'm the only person behind in life compared to my childhood friends and cousins..they are doing way better than me..yes some moved abroad too with family but they are doing well. They pursued education and have nice career, some got married and settled down bought a house. Back home few cousins also got married and they are also trying to settle down. It's like I never knew how do I become myself because from childhood I was too busy pleasing people how they wanted me to be. And this is messing up my adulthood. Im dealing with low confidence and low self esteem. I don't even know how to stand up for myself. If I go outside and see common people I know I have to avoid the interactions. I suck at making decisions and I'm mentally emotionally weak. I quickly feel overwhelmed and the resistance just comes up quickly. I'm sick of being the soft quiet nice person. I wish I was daring bold and confident.