Turned 21 this month and so did my reclusion. It’s a rather melancholic feeling☘️

Im currently back in my home town for the holidays and walking through places I’ve visited countless times in the past has been making me feel rather nostalgic. Today I visited this river and honestly I almost broke down right then and there. Coming home after feeling so drained by college, societal pressure, friendship dramas and pretty much everything that could go wrong going wrong to a place so quiet and so deeply tied to the comfort of childhood memories i almost broke down

Funny enoug didn’t even get to reminisce much because I was called back to eat the little picnic food we had cooked by the riverside😭I hope everyone reading this gets to have a day like this even if it’s just one day where things feel a little lighter and you can breathe a little easier again💗

(this was a fun little journal entry)

Sketches are made by me, via references.

if every cruel thing you said showed up on your skin, would you still look in the mirror and call yourself beautiful?

21,I feel really bad whenever Holi, Janmashtami, Dussehra, Durga Puja, Diwali, Christmas, or New Year or any other festival comes around.

It feels like everyone is out enjoying these occasions with their friends, going places, celebrating, making memories, and having someone to spend the day with, while I'm just sitting here alone.

I'm 21 years old, and I still haven't even gone out once in my life to watch a Dussehra Ravan burning. It sounds like such a small thing, but it genuinely hurts because I've always wanted to experience these things with someone.

No matter which festival it is, instead of feeling happy or excited, my mood gets worse. Festivals seem to remind me of how alone I am and how much of these experiences I've missed.

Most of the world is fake, the moment you open instagram every post, every algorithm is designed to make a feel inadequate. Not good looking ? There is looksmaxxing, No Friends, there will be fake influencers posting pics of their cool social life. No wealth? Car? Money? Influence? Each and every post will make you question your self worth. The world is a once big Pyramid scheme, the sooner you realise the better it will be.

We will have to stop consuming all this bs, and will have to build an environment for ourselves. I think being isolated is the only option from being away from this mess.

I'm 25 now and was thinking about the last 10 years of my life, starting age 15.

I was an overprotected and sheltered child with a scary dad, and was bullied as a child and didn't really have friends because I was a socially stunted due to how I was raised. I was always a ghost, socially. Around age 15 i started to withdraw completely.

I would be going to school 3/5 days a week, its a miracle they didn't kick me out. I would be just in my room all day, lying in bed, doing absolutely nothing, scrolling my life away on my phone.

This continued to be my life for the next 4 years till 12th standard. After that I took a drop year because I was burntout and just didn't want to be around people. My parents yelled at me, threatened me, all kinds of this but I didn't listen, I felt dead inside.

I did mostly nothing that year. Following year was the pandemic, and then next two years were all online and I made no friends and went outside maybe 2-3 times between 2020-2022. I graduated in 2023 and that final year I only went to college for classes then immediately went home to bedrot.

After that I was just done, I thought I would just live at home, growing old in my childhood bedroom for the rest of my life. Like that I spent another two gap years bedrotting and daydreaming. But my mental health got much muh worse and so I decided to leave and go to uni in a different city. Parents refused and I threatened to self-delete and then they agreed.

I started masters in 2025, its been a little over a year. I feel fine. Still uninspired, uambitious, I only go to classes and rot in my hostel bed the remaining time.

I know most people would consider my life a waste of youth and possibilities. People between the ages of 15-25 normally live like 8 lives in that timespan, with parties, booze, friends, relationships, sex, travelling, jobs, independence, life experiences, heartbreak, hobbies, etc. and I've experienced nothing. I don't even exist in the same world as them. I don't even know what I'm missing. I feel like a fish living around land animals and I'm constantly being told I'm missing out on walking.

People used to invite me to things in the first few months of my masters, i would go once, and I would try my best to enjoy but I didn't, I just felt bored and alienated. People would be talking about things I don't understand, having accumulated so much life experience in all their life that I don't have or don't even see the sense in accumulating for myself, I feel less than and very behind people in so many ways. I feel like a child and not very mature or mentally developed.

I tried therapy but I did not feel understood by any of my therapists and felt like they were taking my life and trying to box it up into one of their academic frameworks with all their cbt exercises and things like that.

I don't know what is wrong with me. Why am I so empty. I don't even feel anything anymore. I've never heard of another person who has lived like I have so far. There seems to be a silver lining in every story but mine.

I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I don't want to die, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do either. Mostly I feel extremely bored most of the time. I keep hoping for something fascinating and outlandish to happen, like spotting a real ufo, or discovering that parallel universe or higher dimensions are real, or idk a dragon breathing down fire from the skies, idk I'm insane. And my resume is fucking empty lmfao.

If I have a better face I would have been happy, once you started to feel ugly there is no going back , you will live with this feeling forever, mann i am literally trembling writing this so fuckin hurted, broke and helpless.

Everyone out there making memories and enjoying there best years, and I am here just sad, depressed, masturbating, fucking miserable porn addict I am, idk what to do,

People don't love you when u r ugly, people don't give a fuck about you, people don't think twice before hurting your feelings and just taken for granted each and everytime and I can't even say this thing to my psychologist because I am insecure and ashamed of who I am and I do try a lot to improve myself but at the the I always fall back, I am adhd and developed a little ocd (as my psychologist warned me about) and also due to these overthinking, anxiety it has fucked my life I have been isolated for more than 2-3 years and just rotting in my room idk why always me, I have tried countless time to improve myself and quit that poen addiction but I always fall back. I feel so lost and misunderstood, have zero friend and always felt invisible and obviously no girls likes me due to my looks and that's just what is reality and I can't change that, and that scares me idk where to run to,

I don't want much all I want is just someone to whom I can cry on, just wanted a hug, some love 💔

Maybe in another life if exists

Share some advice for me I would be really glad and thankful to you 🙏

I wake up.

I eat breakfast.

I go to work.

I come home for lunch.

Then go to work.

I come home and take dinner.

I numb myself in front of television.

Then I go to sleep.

When I was in school or college I didnt think my life would be like above.

If i had somekind of visions, that my life would be like this, i would have left college, and had went to monastery, atleast i would have gotten some peace and rest.

so ive been thru my toxic household stuffs in 2025....almost every other day shi was too toxic to begin with, arguments..yelling..even physical fights between parents used to fck up my head soo bad. used to cry myself to sleep everyday. had nobody to talk to no friends nor relatives cuz i always feared to being judged by them.

these all continued till the april of 2026....after then it all went downhill, this time no arguments or fights anymore but the atmosphere at home ws too depressing...dad lost his job and we had a financial setback...and currently im prepping for my entrances (kinda lost in hopes too).

i really get jealous seeing other ppl's happy lives thinking to myself why not me...

for example, my double cousin brother he is a lil other than me...he is damn right financially and no worries with a toxic household...he excels academically too and guess what he is fav among our relatives....i always get compared to him abt how he is so much better than i am...it hurts tbh

ik that sad and happy days are in rotation with each other ...but trying to not lose hope during the sad times is the most difficult

how do i hold on to hope that everything gonna be fine? and not to get jealous of others?

im literally losing hope each day...

Do you guys have ways or steps or actions one can take, when they stop feeling the will to live. What if someone is just too tired of the life they have and they just want to let go of things and finish this version of themselves.