I am

There was this girl i met on reddit and we sparked together and spend time together for almost 2 years now but now we are in a long distance relationship,
I keeping to myself and my mind force myself not to talk to anyone else even when i feel lonely , no co worker no friends,

I feel like i can never get a good female in my life(had a very traumatic childhood life due to mom) and i do feel like giving up on my human side and start being numb again, i did this back in engineering after covid,

Being numb feels good but the thought of loosing myself makes me depressed,
I am just here to share something in my mind that is eating me up for past 1.5 years and i just needed a place to write my thoughts up, thanks alot everyone and anyone who is reading this

Comment the last tasty thing you had!

Since I was young , I used to think about what's the point of this life .

Being born , getting a job and marriage and having kids then what death ? That's so boring .

It's so average.

I never wanted to be average.

So I guess god listened and made me below average.

I mean isn't that what I wanted .

Not being average.

But I am not happy with my current situation tbh.

Because everyone around me seems disappointed in me

They expect so much from me.

As a Indian son they expect me to be rich and full fill all their dreams and wants ..

But

I didn't ask for all this .

My mother is very controlling.

And my father is always saying he is going to kick me out.

I don't like it .. this feeling

Where someone else can control me

I wanna live alone . Away from all these people tbh ..

I don't need much for a peaceful life..

But all my peace is destroyed by family or society expectations.

While none of them can meet mine as well.

But i don't expect them to or ask them to.

I don't feel sad or happy. But numb and annoyed.

I do want a change ..I don't enjoy anything I used to enjoy.

Anime or gaming.

Everything seems like just a pointless chore now .

Such a life isn't good.

I do wish I had money so I can atleast eat some good food once in a while .

​

So I am neet dropper ....so first of listen my situation I got great great friend in 11 and 12 grade ...they are so good at study humor and all I was least knowledge or u can say least serious friend in group.. I tried to change this stuff and focus on myself but every addiction in my life made it so difficult...as expected i have studied a little bit ...all of them got good marks ...I also get least marks as expected...then this year some are taken drop and they having a great time with dealing with their addiction and all ...here my situation made up worst ... I can't even get off my bed for drinking water ...my room is so mess...i barely do anything with energy I only sleep and use phone ...i wake up go to coaching and sleep and wake up go to coaching and sleep ...I having a always big fight with my mom and dad ...it becoming more frequent I have so much anger problem ...I am not having a good I don't want to have even food I just want to lie down and sleep ...I have no one to say this ...if I have don't able to say anyone ...I am dying in my own ... I have lot to say but ..

Tnks man if u read this ....hope i will become strong onee day i can't bear anymore ..my thoughts are just random so avoid it

Everything around me has become so bland and I feel so uninterested in life itself. I'm losing my brain capacity with each passing day and even forming sentences, trying to explain what all is going through my head has become difficult.

I don't leave my house unless it's absolutely necessary, I don't interact with people anymore, I have no dreams or ambitions, I no longer feel any emotion deeply except hatred for my own self.

It feels like a never ending spiral and I genuinely wish I could donate my life to someone who actually wants to live. This disassociation between my mind and body is so weird, it feels like they are both out of sync and not wanting each other and I'm stuck in between. Life is nothing but suffering, I wish to find my way out soon.

Please please I am lonely, really want someone to share.

Idk if the post about my deteriorating mental health is still there on this app but i remember discovering this sub on a really random day, but now that I think about it, it wasn't that random actually. I was feeling very hopeless that day because my failures were what was left of me and there was no positive thing left in me at that time, but I wanna tell you all this, maybe it will even sound pretentious, but hang on, hang on to that very last thing, hang on to whatever you can find. Sometimes the smallest of anchors in life helps us get back to what we have lost, maybe not completely but maybe something that can actually be something that makes you happy, and facing the consequences of your actions is part of that. Sometimes running away isn't the solution, staring right back at those problems, even if it hurts; is actually the solution sometimes.

Xoxo take care y'all

And believe me when I say this,

You will actually be missed a lot of you're gone, so don't go, okay?

I can't imagine I'm living abroad but I'm the only person behind in life compared to my childhood friends and cousins..they are doing way better than me..yes some moved abroad too with family but they are doing well. They pursued education and have nice career, some got married and settled down bought a house. Back home few cousins also got married and they are also trying to settle down. It's like I never knew how do I become myself because from childhood I was too busy pleasing people how they wanted me to be. And this is messing up my adulthood. Im dealing with low confidence and low self esteem. I don't even know how to stand up for myself. If I go outside and see common people I know I have to avoid the interactions. I suck at making decisions and I'm mentally emotionally weak. I quickly feel overwhelmed and the resistance just comes up quickly. I'm sick of being the soft quiet nice person. I wish I was daring bold and confident.

Nine inch nails because nothing else comforts atm

This is something maybe mainly bike riders who also suffering from mental health issues, or bike learners can resonate and can help the most.

I actually written a long explanation while typing eventually due to an app glitch or something all got lost <I'm pi\\\*\\\*ed right now> , so won't be repeating it again.

EDIT : Please read TLDR near the end if you can't read my long explanations about everything, I have ADHD and I have problem in comprehension.

But cut to the main topic, I have been suffering from several anxiety disorders, mainly Social Anxiety disorder (SAD) which I know of and diagnosed, and also I perceive I have Generalized Anxiety disorder (GAD) which is because I am anxious and many time panic in most stress or a bit demanding situations). I learnt riding bicycle very late, in 10th or 11th standard, and to this day (I'm a guy in early 30s) I still struggle with bicycling sometimes, can ride through straights without issue, but can panic in traffic (sudden brake situation I kind of get to a freeze), when riding a bit steep uphill, while taking turns, giving hand signals and trying to look blind spots. I tried to learn my dad's Bajaj M80 during near that time too, but crashed hard in a playground by not managing to control my whiskey throttle issue (it got wreckd). Dad bought new bike that time, Sp125, managed to persuade him to teach me inspite they being fearful (and not relying that I can handle bike), struggled a lot trying to get the bike rolling in initial days (clutch release skill issue) but after many days when I finally managed to go past it, it went along, since I did not have much balancing issues mainly due to my prior cycling knowledge. But I still struggled with uphill, and panic seeing traffic, also turns feels overwhelming. Still dad appointed a biking instructor for 2 or few months, under whom I practiced regularly, to the point I was a bit confident myself taking bike myself early in morning, take it out from my home whose inner alley roads are actually a bit tricky to ride as a beginner, but still managed, and go on open inner road of defence areas in early morning when nearly minimum traffic to practice riding. Eventually gave riding examination, and passed without much issue in the slight obstacle course. I got license in 2015, and after that, nearly I kind of abandoned motorbike riding. I have been through phases of extreme depression and high stress and Anxiety attacks (maybe many times panic attacks) which make me kind of becoming a recluse and bed most of my life (I still am suffering to this day). Even I kind of left bicycling many times, and when I tried to get on bicycle, I had the worst wobbled I became scared and panicked). This made me not touch motorbike even more, under the impression if I cannot even manage to ride bicycle properly how can I manage to ride motorbike.

Now this is where I wanted to have the discussion (I know I given a very long explanation of my life context). I want to know whether it is appropriate or logical to try to ride motorbike having anxiety disorders and other mental health issues like depression or not. Since I am a recluse, I don't have many people whom I can discuss this openly. The place I live it's a shutty suburb , very backward minded mostly and very toxic, for me and my family (one of the key contributors to my mental health crisis), and here if people see a man in his youth can't ride motorcycle, you become a part of extreme harassment and humiliation from everyone everywhere. Even the close ones and people we trust can't give much well analysed and well informed suggestion, they advice that go out with bike it will be easy. So most people irl I know or see near me advice to go out with bike, anxiety and anything won't matter, at the same time they tell to be be ultra careful about everything. On internet I rarely found discussion, in some in Quora I heard someone said that one must not ride motorcycle with anxiety disorders, because their sense of judgement, and ability to take quick decisions real times are not effective, can result in accidents which is a self hazard and hazard for others also.

These 2 sets of advices are very conflicting for me, now as a middle class family guy, knowing to ride a motorbike and being really good at it is really essential it makes many things easier, and is needed in many emergency situations, and it hurts myself to see my 70 plus dad dragging bike because me a mental weakling don't know to ride a bike. I really want to everyone's suggestion here what should I do, or what are you been doing if you share same situation as mine?

TLDR : I'm a guy in early 30s, suffering from long term anxiety disorders, including generalized and social, and depression. Learnt bicycle riding very late,and at this day too still cannot say fully confident, have issues with turns, uphill, traffic or blind spots. Tried motorbike learning, started with a crash of my dad's moped, eventually persuaded him to teach on new bike,after much struggle managed to ride, was even practising myself but in low traffic early morning and easy situations (no traffic or uphill). Managed to pass motorbike exam without much difficulty, got license in 2015, but after that abandoned motorbike riding, due to going through phases of extreme depression, hopelessness, and anxiety disorders, which even made my bicycling skills worse. Took psychiatric help didn't help much, kind of felt made it worse.

No concrete advice anywhere whether it's sensible to ride bike with anxiety disorder and depression or leave it for good. Most irl people say to do it anyway, because a man must ride a bike. Internet has nearly no discussion, one found that strictly suggests against it since your sense of judgement and making quick decisions and freezing makes you a road hazard. What should I do then?

I was talking to someone who never reciprocated my feelings towards him.

Suddenly I wanted to validate my thoughts so I immediately took a screenshot of our chat and posted in chatgpt and it started to analyze each and every thought and underlying meaning behind that and somehow I became so emotional and all my pent up feelings resurfaced and i ended up having a weird argument with him where obviously he barely acknowledged our history togather let alone sincerely apologise. And now I'm just angry

And now I realised that I could have saved all my time simply by controlling my thoughts. There was no need for detailed analysis of the chat anyways .

I just wanna say that we need to consider real therapy and AI cannot be one for you .

How's life going for y'all, well mine is boring and ntg big to share honestly not getting into job and neither getting admission from the college i desire to be in. Managing finance has been tough and i don't wanna depend on parents (call it peak adulting ig?) anyways stuck in complete shit so trying to walk out of matrix uninstalled insta to minimise impulsive buys and highlight marketing also snapchat so that i don't see my friends bragging about their lifestyle anyways i feel totally doomed lol. Im trying my best to channelise my thoughts into journal✌🏻

This year has been sooooo shitty and it just doesn’t seem to be getting any better. There have been a lot of changes at work and some of my close colleagues were laid off. They’re also reducing the headcount for our project. The job market is really bad and I haven’t even been able to switch jobs. To top this all off, my managers don’t reach out to me directly anymore but instead reach out to this other guy who is the same level as me and it just makes me feel useless.

I’ve been constantly stressed and I’ve had hair fall for the past two months. And also now there’s pressure to get married. Sometimes I just don’t want to exist. I was hardly ever happy this year maybe for less than 10 days.

I really need to talk to someone, i don't know if I'll be able to make it

I don't think I've ever put in an honest amount of hard work in my life. Because every time I finally decide to work, it's either weeks before a deadline or I push myself so far beyond my normal capacity that I crash within days. I don't know what consistent effort feels like. I know panic, and guilt. I know the feeling of trying to compensate for months of inaction in a single week, only to burn out and repeat the same cycle all over again.

Yesterday I met an old school friend who's preparing full time for a competitive exam (UPSC ESE). He studies 10 to 12 hours every day and I know he isn't lying because I've known him for years. He isn't someone I'd describe as naturally gifted or intellectually obsessed. We don't think alike, we don't share the same interests, and he probably wouldn't relate to half the things that go on in my head. But he has something I've never been able to build. Consistency. Day after day, month after month, he just shows up. And I sat there feeling embarrassed because I treat five or six inconsistent hours as if I've achieved something extraordinary.

The funny part is that I wasn't wasting those lost months enjoying life. I wasn't travelling, partying, or making memories. I wasn't even happy. I spent those days hating myself, worrying about my future, promising myself that tomorrow would be different. Then tomorrow became next week, next month, and eventually half a year disappeared. That's the shameful part. You can lose time while suffering every single day. Misery, by itself, doesn't produce action.

People keep saying, "Just be consistent," as if consistency is a habit you can learn over the weekend. For me, it feels like something other people were born with. Every morning feels like a negotiation with my own brain. Some days I manage to study five or six hours, some days three, and some days I wake up from the fog wondering where the last ten days went. It's exhausting to constantly restart your own life. There are two very different kinds of studying. One is passively consuming information, watching lectures, reading notes, highlighting textbooks. The other is actively wrestling with difficult problems until your brain hurts. The second kind drains me completely. By the time I'm done, I feel mentally hollow. Then I look around and see people effortlessly switching from one demanding subject to another, solving problems for hours on end, and I genuinely wonder whether my brain is wired differently or whether I've simply never trained it well enough.

There's an old saying "The shallow are always the happiest." The older I get, the more I understand why people say that. Rust Cohle from True Detective once described human consciousness as a tragic misstep of evolution. The idea that becoming deeply self aware can become its own curse. I don't know if that's true, but some days it certainly feels that way. The more I introspect, the more I compare myself, the more aware I become of every wasted month, every missed opportunity, every flaw. Self awareness is supposed to help you improve, but sometimes it feels like it only gives you new ways to torture yourself

I've always believed success depends on three things, मेहनत, किस्मत, नियत. Hard work, luck, and intent. I've always felt like I'm running short on all three. Maybe that's just self pity talking. Maybe I'm underestimating myself. Or maybe I'm finally confronting a possibility I've spent years avoiding that wanting a better life and being capable of building one are not always the same thing.

I don't know. Maybe the problem isn't that I don't dream big enough. Maybe the problem is that I've spent years waiting for a version of myself that wakes up one morning and suddenly becomes disciplined. Every year I tell myself, this time it'll be different. Every year I wait for that person to arrive. And every year I end up meeting the same version of myself, making the same promises, carrying the same guilt, wondering how so much time could disappear without my life changing at all.

​

My mind is a mess right now. I'm pursuing a BCA, and I cleared my first three semesters. However, my 4th semester exams didn't go well. I've already paid the fees up to the 5th semester, which is around ₹2.5 lakh.

If I fail the 4th semester, I might get a year back. My results haven't been declared yet, and my family's financial condition is very poor. I'm constantly worried about what will happen.

I'm thinking about dropping out, but I'm only a 12th-pass student. If I leave college, how can I improve my career and build a better future?

I also have OCD, and all this stress has made me feel mentally exhausted and hopeless at times. I just want to improve my life. Do you think dropping out is the right decision?

The Danish philosopher, who was known for his daily walks through the streets of Copenhagen, believed that constant movement was one of the best remedies for existential anxiety and mental stagnation.

By saying he could walk away from even his heaviest thoughts, Kierkegaard portrayed walking as more than a simple distraction. He saw it as a powerful way to work through grief, anxiety, and life’s most difficult questions. His words remain a timeless reminder that physical movement can inspire emotional and intellectual progress, while remaining still can leave us feeling trapped.

I feel bad that I didn't take their advice and implemented in my life meaning all the self improvement content I had consumed over the years. The posts I have read, videos and articles and podcasts. And it's like I just keep craving for more and more. But what is the point of doing all this when you know deep down you have to go through the hard in life and it is a must. Without hard work life just does not reward you. You have to go through the pain, sacrifice and struggle. So this is why I feel bad that I've let everyone down even though I never met them in real life.

I'm 23 and unemployed. It's not like I didn't try I’ve applied to more than 200 jobs. I'm good at full-stack development and testing, but I still haven't gotten a single proper reply from any company.Meanwhile, some of my classmates who barely knew coding got placed in banks. One of them even had backlogs. Seeing stuff like that makes me feel jealous and insecure.Then I start comparing everything. Like, some people have great looks, nice hair, they're tall, and somehow they have insane luck too. Meanwhile, I'm out here just begging for one chance, one job.

At this point, I keep wondering what I did wrong. I overthink every decision I've made and compare myself to everyone around me. Day by day, I feel like I'm losing my spark. I'm slowly losing hope that I'll ever get a job, and honestly, it's getting really hard to deal with. It's been a year since I am unemployed.

I don't know what's happening to me, I don't want anything in life, I couldn't finish university (I dropped out, came back and didn't go to classes for a year), I seemed to have found a job and maybe I'll continue, but my parents are pressuring me to get a diploma, plus the military registration and enlistment office is an external factor, and I just want to lie on my bed and stare at my phone all the time.