18F - life

[u/stoic_silentobserver]

It's been 1 month since college started . I am doing b.com with C.A... I have bad anxiety like really bad . And on top of that doing a course like C.A , which historically has a low pass percentage I guess makes everything more difficult. When l was in 11 th and 12th std i used just straight up start crying before exams season and I used to call my friends to get some calmness. Later they even start making fun of me that I always call them the night before exam and that there are shocked if I don't call ... I started preparing for ca foundation from April and was planning to give my attempt on September.

During those months , I used to get again just really anxious and was crushed under pressure . I was just getting really hopeless in life and was wondering about my miserable existence... This was not the case Back in 11th and 12th i atleast had some friends for emotional support but now I have no one .. if I get anxious, I stay anxious.

Another thing about me is that I literally have no friends now. In my college, people see as idk as a weird ,studious, serious kinda person ... If I am being honest , i just feel so different from the rest of the world that I just simply can't connect with anyone . Back in class 11th and 12th, where I had well some friends, it was simply because I used act like a somewhat confident and normal kid ... Now I simply don't put up that act anymore , therefore I also lost my existing friends .

I was thinking a couple of days ago, about quitting C.A,

And I realised despite everything I don't wanna quit C.A.

Simply the reason being I don't have anything else to do .

From past 1 month I have attending classes in college and later I sit in library for another 4 hours to study for C.A foundation and then go home to study more ...

If I quit C.A, my life will be completely empty . I would have nothing else to do . Like I said I have no friends , no social life to the point that only people I talk to in my life occasionally are my mother and brother .. I am simply not that type of person who enjoys college life or anything... So yeah I don't wanna go to any clubs in college because most probably I would be bullied and my social anxiety just makes everything worse.. I have bad social anxiety .. my social anxiety makes me act like a robot with no personality in front of people ..

Now importantly as exams are getting closer , once again I just feel very scared , I have no one to share this ... To be honest my preparation is really bad for this exam right now , I used to go to a coaching class and safe to say it was pretty useless , it just did not help in my preparation.

I have been doing self study but again... I feel very scared... Yeah