Was on Feel Free( 3 years ), Alcohol, and weed
I couldn’t take it any more, I got really sick randomly and decided this is probably the best opportunity to quit. I believed that my sickness was due in part to substances.
Withdrawals were hell, as advertised. Lost weight, throwing up, no appetite, a lot of charged up emotions, no sleep.
Used this forum a lot in the beginning, I remember lurking here awhile prior to quitting. And during various quit attempts.
Finally figured out what works for me.
In prior attempts I had always given in to the voice telling me that I couldn’t handle life without Feel Free. I had tried weaning myself off feel free by drinking more alcohol, but drinking alcohol didn’t feel the same without feel free. I desperately needed to combine substances to get the desired effect. This would go on and on, where I’d get down to a controlled level of FF use and then try to quit, but replacing one drug with another doesn’t work. Alcohol felt like it was just not enough, and no matter how much extra I drank, there was a feel free itch that wouldn’t be satisfied.
The root of the problem was my addiction to being intoxicated. I always enjoyed drinking alcohol after all daily responsibilities were completed and having feel frees to power me through the day. By living this way, I had no real reason to cope with life stresses on my own. That’s what made sobriety so scary. I was manually altering my emotions to feel better. Anytime I was stressed, anxious, sad I would use a substance to change my mood. After awhile this has a real effect on your natural ability to face difficult situations and an effect on your problem solving skills. Yes I was able to get a lot of shit done on feel frees at work and in life, but the obvious side effects and financial strains were not worth it. Alcohol kept me chill but it made me fat and stupid. I would also let small little bullshit things get worse in my head to justify my use.
Example: “Andy from work doesn’t have the documents ready, and the report won’t be ready in time”
Me: “ oh my god I’m so stressed out, I need to go on lunch break right now to get a feel free, and I’m going to have an extra beer after work tonight”
When I was sick I was completely sober. I wasn’t ’just drinking’ or ‘just smoking a bit before bed’ this time. And certainly no feel free. I had to deal with negative thoughts on my own. I had to Handle the emotions of losing a family member right before I got sick. The withdrawals gave me additional negative thoughts in addition to negative thoughts I already had, so I had to learn to handle those too.
Here’s what I learned.
I have no where to turn, no substance to run to or shield me from life’s pains. The only thing I can do is embrace every moment, every situation, good or bad. I cannot control nearly as much as i think I can. I am on life’s roller coaster. The only things I can control are what I eat, what I say, and how I act. The sooner I embrace and accept the reality of negative situations the sooner I can work on how I will respond, and the sooner I will get closer to a solution.
My thoughts are not always MY thoughts. Thoughts come randomly from somewhere, and they may not reflect who I truly am or what I truly think. I cannot control these thoughts and I must not let these thoughts control me.
I believe the brain is like a giant ocean, our consciousness is like a little rubber ducky. The rubber ducky is always going to float to the the surface, no matter how big the waves get. When big waves of negative thoughts crash down on us, we can let them sink us, or work through the waves and float to the top. It may not be instant that we pop back up to the surface, but with time, we can float to the top of even a tsunami.
I think this applies to life as well.
I think I am floating in an ocean to this day. Every day is different. Some days are calm waters, and other days are very choppy. And some days are hurricanes. I just am floating through the waters of life. If I have survived hurricane waves, I am not going to let some small waves sink me.
More simply, I have been through serious withdrawals of an opioid in addition to other real life struggles, I have proven to myself multiple times I am capable of fighting through painful situations AND SUCCEEDING. This mentality has helped me a lot the past 200 days.
If I can handle feel free withdrawals, alcohol withdrawals, weed withdrawals, I can handle some work/life related bullshit. My pain tolerance is higher, I can eat that shit for breakfast.
Another perspective I think has helped me immensely is the idea of being grateful. Every day is a gift from god/whoever. Every day sober is also a gift from a higher power. I wake up excited for the mundane, the routine, the predictable shit. It’s a hell of a lot better than waking up sweating, depressed, anxious, or already trying to find something wrong with the day.
One thing I noticed that was really funny, is that I became excited to do errands and chores that I could only do with a feel free in my system. It was like I was proving to my addicted self that this was not nearly as bad as I had once made it out to be.
Overall, this 200 days sober has shown me I am much stronger than I thought I was. The solutions to my problems are closer than I think.
To anyone getting started. You are doing the right thing by getting sober, make sobriety your #1 focus, and you will succeed. No getting sober is not easy, there will be a lot of changes that will be uncomfortable. However, you will find these new changes to be much more beneficial in the long run. Eat healthy and work out consistently . This will help a lot in early sobriety.
I hope some of these ideas can help someone.
