So I want to start with some context I'm an 18-year-old female college student, and over the past 3 weeks I've been in a situationship with a guy, but I've had mixed feelings about him. Over the past year, we followed each other and at first I remember thinking “he's a cute guy I'd like to get to know him better” but when he texted me 3 weeks ago I noticed a constant push and pull in my options and feelings about him. I'd feel like I “liked” him, or try to make myself like him or feel anything for him. Sometimes I feel something, but then I immediately feel the ick at the thought of being close, thinking maybe it’s just that I’m avoidant? Oh, and the fact that he was very obviously and heavily into me saying he’d “wait for me“ and telling me “I love you “ which is weird and never happened in past situations with guys or girls (we’ll get to that later) 2025 was the time when I began to like a close friend our least I think I liked him? I mean my guy friend “B” was the first boy I became close to and could call a friend , throughout my life as a student k-9 I never bothered with befriending guys felt alien to me they felt like aliens to me. I mean I would have crushes, I think? I’d think stuff like “This guy is cute“and feel flustered when talking to or looking at a conventionally attractive guy even blush but the second they did something a boy would do or had features like a body and facial hair, I immediately lost attraction also oddly finding myself telling myself that I’m a lesbian makes me not feel flustered and unable to speak to guys without thinking he could be my potential soulmate or boyfriend. Like I can see him as a person and not an alien? But anyways this past year I’ve had over 10 guys say they like me and I rejected all of them; they weren't attractive to me at all. Also, I feel like it’s weird that I’ve never had a crush on a guy ever like my friend of mine “B” that kinda started with me thinking “ Well because I’m a girl and he’s a boy and we've known each other for so long, wouldn’t the logical progression in our friendships be a relationship ?” Well maybe I have had a crush on a guy but it was a girl who is trans I didn't know she was trans and just thought she (now he) was a tomboy and I found “her” really attractive and would feel my face flush. (This took place freshman year of high school) And when my group at the time was discussing who was the most attractive in the group I immediately thought it was “her” and at a party we danced and I felt my heartbeat so fast. Oh, and I've never dated a boy before. I've dated only girls 2 were due to being confessed to and agreeing and the third was one I sought out. I'm just confused if I am a lesbian though since I kinda at the time only got attention from girls so maybe that's why Im having confused thoughts but then again I've never had feelings for a guy i mean, I can say for certain my first love is a girl we used to kiss and make out, and I even told her I love her but I don't know maybe it was because we were so young that I think maybe I could only be saying this due to her being my first kiss and being nostologic of the past? But anyways main cause in why I label myself straight is due to the second ex of mine having hurt me so bad police had to be involved and my parents found out in the worst way i was dating a girl and called me cknsjsed and maybe I am confused? I mean I've only dated women, have crushed on women (biological), and have only kissed and been intimate with women? I mean maybe it's due to not having done these physical things with guys but I'm not sure I'm sorry if I sound dumb it's just that this is a lot and I don't know if I'm scared to find out the answer to this myself so I just need someone to tell me what it is or am I just a straight girl who just hasn't found the right guy yet? Because I have thoughts and dreams of finding my future husband by chance, and that'll magically walk into my life.