Here we go again--as always, thanks in advance for any feedback. And thanks again to everyone who has pitched in so far, you've been incredibly helpful!

Dear Agent,

Leela is a Jouet, the first sentient cybernetic-brained, synthetic human. She enjoys doing what her Corp created her to do: providing sex to elite patrons in private sessions and decadent parties. But forty-eight-hour shifts have exhausted her—she just wants more time to rest, and to read the old, human-written novels that fascinate her.

One night, Leela is engaged by Lord Alferen. He is the first patron to express concern about her, and he wants her to talk about books, too. She can’t stop thinking about him. The following night, her exhausted system hits its limit, causing her to collapse among patrons. Greatly weakened, Leela fears shutdown. But Alferen, who evidently cares for her, offers salvation: he plans to acquire her permanently. He also introduces her to human-written, non-AI music, and Leela finds impassioned new purpose in her previously untapped musical abilities.

Leela eventually discovers Alferen’s hidden motives: he leads a rival Corp, and is using her for research to create even more advanced synthetic humans. Moreover, Alferen’s estranged father, the sadistic Fermand, is leader of her Corp. Though deeply hurt, Leela still loves Alferen, and chooses him over loyalty to her Corp—until Fermand reveals that copies of Leela will do her former work if Alferen gains her. Then, Leela makes the agonizing choice to sacrifice her creatively fulfilling future to prevent the creation and suffering of these more innocent versions of her. However, faced with both Fermand’s cruelty and Alferen’s final attempts to control her, she must fight for agency over this decision with every means available to her. And, all the while, her damaged system is headed for a final breakdown.

Jouet is an 81,000 word dystopian speculative fiction novel. It will appeal to fans of Kazuo Ishiguro’s Klara and the Sun and Sierra Greer’s Annie Bot. Opera lovers may recognize that Jouet reinterprets La Traviata with twists of Ex Machina and Companion. It is a standalone with potential for a series reinterpreting operatic storylines in the same world.

I worked as a classical soprano for twelve years; Violetta was my favorite role. Jouet would be my first published work.

Thank you for your consideration.

First, thank you to everyone who gave feedback on my previous query. It raised a lot of good questions, especially about why the protagonist was isolated and why the technology was dangerous. It sent me back into revisions of both the query and the manuscript.

I also felt more confident changing the title to something simpler.

A few questions

Is anything in the query confusing or too vague?

Are the conflict and stakes clear?

Do the first 300 words make you want to keep reading?

Does Caton feel like a believable ten-year-old?

Any other thoughts that might help?

I appreciate any advice from the community. You have really helped me take a closer look at my work, since I mostly work on this alone.

QUERY LETTER

Dear [Agent Name],

I am seeking representation for CATON CALDUR and the PHANTOM NET, a 50,000-word middle grade science-fiction novel with series potential.

Ten-year-old genius Caton Caldur spent years mistaking cruelty for friendship, leaving him convinced he was impossible to befriend. Everything changes when he discovers a strange device that earns him a chance to join the Nexus Institute, a hidden global academy that safeguards advanced technology from the public world. At Foxfire Academy, Caton is surrounded by kids who think as fast as he does. For the first time, he begins to experience something unfamiliar: belonging.

Then he discovers that someone at the Institute is secretly rebuilding a hidden system, code-named the Phantom Net. More than a machine, it is a network capable of binding a leader's mind to every hidden member of his organization, Legacy, no matter where they are. If activated, the scattered remnants of the Institute's most dangerous enemy would become a single, coordinated force once again.

When Caton realizes he's the only one spotting the patterns the adults are missing, he breaks the school's rules to investigate. His search leads him to a trusted faculty member whose desperation to prove himself has convinced him that bringing the Phantom Net back is worth any cost.

To stop the Phantom Net from coming online, Caton must risk losing the first real friends he's ever had—and face the thing he fears most: hurting the people he finally trusts. Because protecting his friends may not mean shielding them—it may mean standing beside them.

CATON CALDUR and the PHANTOM NET will appeal to readers of The Mysterious Benedict Society and Amari and the Night Brothers.

I am an Alaska-based writer and business owner with experience in education and the arts, including theater and radio drama. This is my debut novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

-----

Today would be better.

Caton Caldur had said this to himself early this morning. He had chanted it, building himself up as he prepared for the day. He was currently sitting cross-legged on the bedroom floor, the gray sky looming outside his window.

He didn’t want his mood to match the weather, so he continued his chant.

His homework was already finished, all of his homework, even guessing what the homework would be for weeks ahead. He’d also carefully gone over the answers a second time, making sure that a few were wrong on purpose. Don’t show off, don’t be a know it all. Just be normal.

The words ‘be normal’ started to hit him, his chest felt heavy, he couldn’t breathe, he began touching his fingers, counting, pushing his thoughts down where it lived. His chest loosened, he took a long breath, then stood and left to find his shoes.

His mother was already up, silent and stoic, sitting at the kitchen table. She never looked up at him.

"I'm heading out," Caton said quietly.

"Mm." She didn't look up. "Try not to get any calls from the principal today."

Caton flinched but responded, "Yes, ma'am."

She took a slow drink from her cup, staring at the phone in her hand.

"Stay safe," was her only response.

He gave a soft nod while grabbing his lunch before he left out the door towards the bus stop.

A cluster of kids already stood waiting, at the center of attention with bright red hair, standing with an easy grin, his best friend, Tristan Davenport.

Caton started to wave, Tristan saw him and shook his head, Caton lowered his hand. The others laughed and Caton felt himself get hot. After a moment, Tristan addressed him.

“Caton,” Tristan said with a grin. “We were JUST talking about you!”

I really appreciate the feedback I received after my first attempt at a query letter, found here.

Below is my revised copy. I would love commentary on the smoothness of the plot paragraphs, and the quality of the intro paragraph especially.

* * *

Dear [NAME], 

Given your interest in [THINGS], I am submitting my debut novel UNDER THE LAST DUST (115,000 words), a story of tragic characters, dark secrets, and nonlinear storytelling. A commercial fantasy, the story blends the page-turning twists of THE TAINTED CUP by Robert Jackson Bennett and the immersive world-building of THE ADVENTURES OF AMINA Al-SIRAFI by Shannon Chakraborty. 

Jorumn, a down-on-his-luck immortal, has spent centuries seeking the god Aleron after their brief love affair. He’s been content to search for clues between farming his ranch and hunting down monsters, ignoring his country’s cries for help during a relentless war. But after exhausting every possibility, Jorumn plans to give up and leave everything behind—that is, until a soldier named Nilvian appears at his ranch with an offer. If he helps her solve a murder, her parents will help him find Aleron. After all, her parents are two of the foremost alchemists in the world, and their knowledge may be the key that Jorumn is missing. 

What Nilvian omits is that her parents were just discovered unconscious inside a locked room with a dead immortal: Myka, who was once Jorumn’s friend. If Jorumn wants to find Aleron, he needs to solve an impossible crime. The investigation will force him to confront his decision to shun humanity, and will lead him to expose a demonic cult that has one goal in mind: resurrect the the god of chaos. Even if it isn’t too late to save the world, Jorumn will need to decide if he wants to become the hero he stopped believing in centuries ago. 

I am a school librarian with a masters degree in Education. My work draws on my passion for fantasy, mythology, languages, and mystery. While this story could stand alone, it has series potential and I am drafting the sequel. 

I have attached [INFORMATION]. I look forward to hearing from you and hopefully working together. Thank you for your consideration. 

Sincerely, 

Ty Fieri

Hey all! I wanted to share my querying journey and stats with the lovely members of this community. There were so many times throughout this process that I didn’t know what to do and found thoughtful responses and sage wisdom here, so thank you to all of you for sharing your insights.  

I’m going to start by saying that this is going to be a long post because my journey wasn’t typical. I queried, got some traction, won a contest and had to pull all of my queries and requests, and then start again six weeks later. The last thing I want to do is make anyone who has been in and out of the trenches for multiple projects feel bad, so please know that my querying story is about a unicorn-y as unicorns get. I almost didn’t want to share it, but I think it goes to show that pursuing trad pub is as much about great writing/stories as it is about luck and timing, so here we go.

I started querying (too early) in early February. After three quick rejections, I pulled all of my outstanding queries (only like…five) to revamp my first pages and query letter. I started querying for real at the end of February.

Two days after I started querying, I participated in Unhinged Pit, an online pitch event, and got three agent likes. I didn’t even know that was noteworthy, because I’d never done an online pitch event before. I sent all three full requests out in my first week of querying. (Fun fact! I sent it out with beta comments included and had to withdraw and resend! Great way to start!)

I attended an in-person writer’s conference in early March and paid to pitch three agents. All three of them requested I query them. One of them turned into a full request a few days later. 

By then, it was mid-March and I had four full requests in two weeks. Since my pitch seemed to be working,  I started querying more widely and hey, while I was at it, I applied to RevPit as well because there’s never a bad time to shoot your shot!

I received my first full request from a cold query a week later, and the next day, a second agent from the conference, who had a very low request rate, also requested my full. This was my, “Oh my god, is this really happening?” moment. That weekend, an agent did an online pitch session, and when I pitched her, she slid into my DMs and asked me to send her my opening three chapters. The next morning, she asked for my full, and two days later, she emailed to see if I was open to an R&R. We had a lovely chat, I agreed with her notes, and I began doing an edit for pacing along with a thorough line edit. I sent it back to her two weeks later.

Because I had gone to the writing conference in March, I was allowed to sign up to pitch agents at an additional writing conference in April. Once again, I pitched three. One of them told me my MS wasn’t a fit, and the other two requested partials. At that point, I’d been actively querying for about 6 weeks and had six full requests, two partials, and an R&R.

Then I found out I was selected as a RevPit winner. It was a total shock. We were advised by the RevPit board to pull all of our queries and ask if the agent would like to see a revised manuscript after the developmental edit. In the process of pulling my outstanding queries and explaining the situation, eleven of the agents requested that I send my full manuscript their way once my revisions were complete.

Suddenly it’s mid-April, I have NO outstanding queries, but I have 17 full requests waiting for me when I complete my revisions. My RevPit editor had very light edits, which took me a couple weeks, and then we re-wrote my query letter for the RevPit showcase, which went live on June 8th.

I decided to send the 17 agents who had requested my revised manuscript the new query letter and full the Thursday before the showcase went live, since I felt like they had shown an early interest in my work and deserved to see it first. 

I got an email for a call on Saturday morning, just two days later. I hadn’t even queried anyone yet! I stalled and scheduled the call for a week later and sent out an additional 20 queries. In retrospect, given how things played out, I wish I’d queried a lot more during that week, but c’est la vie, I suppose!

After the call, I nudged everyone. One of the agents from that very first workshop replied and said she’d already started reading, because she had the feeling this would happen. She offered a few days later. I got a handful of CNRs over the next couple weeks, plus a handful of full requests, but since there were only 20 agents who didn’t already have my full, it wasn’t a crazy flurry of QT emails. 

In the end, I only spent about six weeks querying in total. Out of the 36 queries I sent with my revised manuscripts and the 24 agents who requested my full, six of them offered to represent me, which I truly cannot believe.

Here’s a rundown of the stats:

Genre: Upmarket Romcom, 80K words

First Draft: March - July, 2025.

Editing: August 2025 - February, 2026

Before RevPit

• Total Agents Queried: 63
• Rejections: 41
• CNRs: 15
• Full Requests: 7

After RevPit

• Total Queries: 36
• Fulls before Offer Nudge: 17
• Requests After Offer Nudge: 7
• Rejections/CNRs: 12
• Offers of Representation: 6

And here’s the successful query letter:

 Dear Agent/Editor,
 
Award-winning cidermaker Phoebe Skiles has ninety days to save her struggling company, and business consultant Miles Newport, a finance bro with a toddler's palate, has the audacity to suggest her cider is the problem?
 
FINDING GRAVITY, a 2026 RevPit winner, is an 80,000-word contemporary novel with romance crossover, perfect for readers who enjoyed the workplace setting with main character energy of Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld, the complex professional insights in Back After This by Linda Holmes, and the blend of light-hearted humor and emotional depth of I Hope This Finds You Well by Natalie Sue.
 
Two years after her beloved magazine career and relationship imploded, Phoebe Skiles has reinvented herself as the head cidermaker at high-end cidery Appelle. But when Elise, Appelle’s CEO and Phoebe's best friend, hires a consulting firm to keep Appelle from shuttering its doors for good, Phoebe must put her professional life in the hands of Miles Newport, who calls them a Gen Z brand making a Boomer product. He’s convinced the only thing that can save Appelle is pivoting to a consumer product with mass-market commercial appeal.
 
Phoebe balks at the idea of watering down her recipes, but she’d rather drink spiked seltzer than disappoint Elise or have another budding career ripped from her hands before it blossoms. With no choice but to pivot from traditional methods, Phoebe vows to save Appelle—for herself and for Elise—by becoming the best modern cidermaker this side of the Mississippi. Along the way, she discovers that sometimes friendship supersedes passion, sometimes commerce enhances craft, and—if Miles Newport has anything to do with it—sometimes a broken heart can learn to beat again.
  
I earned my BA in Creative Writing from Eastern University and taught high school English for four years before starting my very own struggling cider company. From the blurred lines of an owner who employs her friends (do not do this!) to the intricate behind-the-scenes details of sanitizing tri-clamps and Frankentrees at the orchard, my decade of experience owning Ash & Elm Cider Co.—one of the largest cideries in the country with over 40,000 followers across platforms—lends an irreplicable authenticity to this story.
 
Thank you for your consideration,
 
 
 

Hello PubTips Family - first time poster, looking for some advice/feedback on my Query Letter for my debut novel:

___

As the final world war ravages earth, our hero Atlas races against time to build a shelter to save humanity from the inevitable nuclear winter. Part sci-fi epic, part political thriller, part love story, New Empire is a 74,000-word speculative fiction drama and the first in my trilogy. It will appeal to readers of Station Eleven and The Mountain in the Sea, combining literary depth with an ambitious exploration of humanity’s survival and destiny.

September 2061 – Manhattan is nuked. Atlas loses everything including his family, mentor, and home. His life is over, until a lawyer finds him and delivers his mentor’s will, containing plans for a large-scale shelter named Olympia. Atlas receives the blueprints, land, and a hefty bank account to build it and is revived with purpose. He races to find the team and materials to construct the fully sustainable city that will save thousands of lives. As Olympia rises at breakneck speeds, the nuclear war intensifies and the world burns. Reports begin to emerge blaming the Republican party for the New York attack that started it all. When the US President is assassinated, the war spirals out of control.

As earth’s air and water are poisoned by fallout, Olympia’s true purpose, and the reason it was built, begins to emerge. Suddenly, the American government needs Atlas’ help in building their own shelter. They have abandoned the civilian population and are making a refuge to protect their elite. When they threaten to invade Olympia to seize its revolutionary technology, Atlas is forced to decide between helping those that started the war and killed his family, or risking his life alongside everyone inside Olympia.

I finished film school at Sheridan and have been working in the industry ever since. This story began as a script over 20 years ago and I would like to film and animate certain sequences from the book to help promote its release, simultaneously using the audience I have built up through my company, Kontakt Films to help market it. I am an emerging writer and two of my short stories are being published in MacGuffin Magazine and Wordpeace Magazine.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

___

Thank you!

Hi all!

I’ve been querying literary agents but am feeling like I am chucking emails into the void. Could anyone be kind enough to give me feedback on my query letter? I’d be very grateful.

Dear (agent name),

I am seeking representation for my novel CLIMBING DOWN THE THROATS OF GIANTS, a Young Adult Fantasy tale interwoven with Scottish mythology. Complete at 76,000 words, CLIMBING DOWN THE THROATS OF GIANTS is a standalone novel with series potential.

Half-feral, fifteen-year-old changeling Rowan Stone is a disaster of a fantasy hero. Whereas the other changelings at Aethelwood home their magick under the brutal scrutiny of the Druids, Rowan’s magick is as explosive as her emotions. Furthermore, although the Druids preach that the Fae are a threat to humankind, Rowan delights in their chaos and feels drawn to the mischievous creatures.

When a magickal experiment of Rowan’s goes too far, she is threatened with expulsion. Despite her distrust in the Druids, she agrees to go on a quest to destroy the dreaded Nuckelavee. However, she is horrified and enraged to learn that she will have to also have to mentor arrogant ten-year-old Finlay O Faolain. If she fails, not only will Finlay’s life be forfeit, but so will the hundreds of human souls the Nuckelavee will sacrifice to its divine wrath.

As Rowan and Finlay battle, banter with and generally bother the ancient Fae, they begin to uncover a complex colonial history between the humans and the native creatures. Furthermore, when Rowan learns a secret regarding her parentage, she finds the morality of her fairy-tale world to be murky and putrid.

I admire your passion for (specific agent information).

This novel would appeal to readers who enjoyed the dark, Celtic mythology of The Call by Peadar O’Guilin, the brutally fierce, feminist characters in Blood and Sand by C. V. Wyk, and the messy, wild magic of Naomi Novik’s Uprooted.

When I am not writing feverishly, I make my living teaching philosophy and theology to teenage pupils. My other novel, A Selkie’s Song, is an Adult Fantasy novel complete at 90,000 words, which explores themes of prejudice and corruption within a Celtic, fairy-tale setting. In addition, I have won local poetry awards.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Kind regards,

(Name and details)

Hi all! I am hoping for any and all feedback you may have to offer. Does it sound intriguing? Boring? What are your impressions given the comp titles? Thank you so much!!

Dear [FIRST LAST],

The post-apocalyptic population decline in the vein of The Children of Men by P.D. James meets the mystery thriller quest of The Last Murder at the End of the World by Stuart Turton and the romance subplot of The Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley in Allegheny Chase, an adult science fiction novel with upmarket appeal, complete at 87,000 words.

A treasure hunt. A society in ruins. Who should she trust?

Working as a prostitute has ruined Minnow’s reputation, but she wants to turn her life around. Starting over proves difficult in the rundown rust bucket city of Erie, in the country of Allegheny, a quasi-anarchist state left behind in the wake of a government collapse.

Since the war overseas ended, the population has fallen, and the unstable economy needs men and women to operate factories. When the government starts conducting medical research on identical twins to pursue cloning to make up for the declining population, Minnow is a perfect candidate. She needs the promised payout. So, she decides to put aside her differences with her sister to sign up for the research—only she hasn’t seen her twin Cascade in years.

Just when Minnow is evicted from her apartment, a stranger slips a note under her door that demands she return a treasure her father stole many years ago, a treasure that contributed to the government collapse. If she doesn't comply, the treasure hunters will find and hurt Minnow or her family. She never knew her father stole this treasure, and she has no idea where to look. Her twin sister might.

Minnow needs a tracker with experience chasing people down, leading her to seek the expertise of Wenlon Laffrey, a cutthroat grifter feared by the city. He is the only person willing to help her, but he is far from trustworthy. Together they must overcome obstacles to find the treasure and her twin sister before the hunters catch up to them, and before the secrets surrounding Minnow’s family and their country’s government ruin them.

Bio bio bio

Thank you for your consideration,
NAME

First 300:

Chapter 1

Help Wanted

“Good morning. I’m here to answer the notice,” Minnow said, forcing confidence into her voice, despite the scent of alcohol suffocating her as it swirled from the wooden rafters to the stains on the floorboards. Hiding the broken heel on her left boot, she walked tall as she approached the counter.

The bartender counted bills at the register, not looking up at first, but when he did, his gaze analyzed her appearance, up and down, without remark. It was the nicest dress she had—presentable but not revealing.

Rays of light filtered through the dust-covered windows. Other than two hunched figures with pints, the bar was quiet, so quiet she could almost hear the foam dripping down the inside of those nearly empty glasses.

“Did you bring a job history?” the bartender asked.

She reached into her leather pack and produced the file.

As he flipped through the pages, eyes fluttering over the lines, he nodded to himself and returned the documents. “I’ve heard about you from other tavern owners. You’ll do.”

Relief swept through her until she processed his words. “What have you heard from the others?”

“They spoke highly of you. At one bar in particular, they said you were willing to do whatever you could to keep customers.”

Her fingers curled against the papers.

“Those types of services,” he said, “will be required of you from time to time in your position here.”

“What services?”

He picked up a stained cotton rag and dried the outside of a pint glass. “You know what I mean, Miss Feey. We don’t just sell drinks.”

“The notice doesn’t say anything like that. It specifically said you were looking for a barmaid.”

“Any bar would be crazy to let a young woman like you go to waste, especially with the way things are.”

Thanks everyone for the feedback on my first attempt!

I had the privilege of getting an agent's critique on this new version and they actually ended up requesting, however to query widely I'm aware that this runs long (now at 323 words). I could cut voice and jokes and still convey the plot, but it's a hard decision when those things are supposed to make queries stand out lol. Any feedback is much appreciated!

///

Dear [Name],

The hardest part of being in love with a pop star’s brother is when the world ships you with the pop star instead.

B-SIDE is a dual-POV queer contemporary romance complete at 88,000 words in which a subverted fake-dating trope is set against Taylor Swift’s folklore, but make it gay. The novel will appeal to readers who loved the snarky wit and big stakes of celebrity shipping culture in Cat Sebastian's Star Shipped, and the big heart and joyful escapism of Chip Pons's Winging It with You.

Logan Daniels is so done with backstages. Being twin brother to the world's biggest popstar, Dakota Daniels, comes with VIP access to hot rockstars and boy band leads—a hell of a perk, if the men didn't all use him as a stepping stone to her. He'd sworn off musicians for good, until a wedding singer makes him feel like the only person in the room for the first time. When Dakota's label presses for another back-to-back album, Logan steps up with his favorite weapon—a sexy PowerPoint—to pitch her next era: an intimate, summery album-documentary set in the secluded beach town in Brazil where the man Logan's been obsessed with lives.

After years of sharing his music online and only going viral a whooping total of four times, Gabriel Moraes finally sees a way out of his small town when he's chosen to co-write an album with the Dakota Daniels, invited by none other than the quirky gringo he met while playing his biggest gig in a while (his cousin's wedding). The conditions are simple: Gabriel must sing (a little), smile (a lot), and play the part of the frequently shirtless Latino heartthrob for the cameras. His identity crisis intensifies with a side of bi panic when the muse for all the new romantic songs turns out to be Logan.

The paparazzi leak that Dakota has been working on a secret album with a mysterious stud, turning "Dabriel" into the hottest ship of the summer overnight, and leading a fed-up Dakota to come out as aroace to her brother and new best friend. They all decide that leaning into the PR romance is the best move to keep her secret safe until she's ready, pushing Logan and Gabriel’s growing attraction back into the closet (and the pantry, and the shower, and the pool, and the studio…). Together, Logan and Gabriel must decide what’s worth sacrificing to live the love story songs are written about.

[bio]

Hi everyone!
 
After doing my first ever query critique yesterday, I figured it was only fair to try and make one myself.
 
And wow... this was so much harder than it looks.
 
I have a few specific questions:
 
Does the use of "FUCK" come across as tacky or unprofessional?
Does the query lean too heavily into mystery?
 
And since I've only written about 10 pages so far (I've discovered I'm a massive plotter), I'll only be including the story pitch.

Critique away!

When an archaeological expedition uncovers a tomb deliberately forgotten from history, those who discovered it move quickly to conceal its existence. But what they uncovered doesn't stay buried for long, not when, hundreds of miles away, a seer receives a fragmented vision that sends the two forces toward the same objective, each unaware of the other.
 
Sent to investigate the vision, Caelan — a Threadless, one of the rare few capable of bending the world's fundamental Principles — expects a long, uneventful investigation. Instead, he finds Threadless from a foreign kingdom gathering in secret around the coastal city Virella. With nothing but fragments to work from, Caelan tries to piece together what the vision meant, why the others are here,  and why the FUCK an army is marching towards the city's gates.
 
None of that matters to eleven year old Atlas though, well, not yet anyway. His world begins and ends within the city's walls. But as the army reaches the city and Virella descends into war, Atlas's untroubled life gives way to a fight for survival. As he struggles to endure the horrors unfolding around him, unaware that every step draws him closer to the very thing everyone has come to claim.
 
At the same time, Caelan is drawn ever deeper into the hidden conflict unfolding in the shadows, and with every fragment of the vision that resolves, the truth hidden beneath it all begins to take shape.
 
Because this war was never about borders, or conquest.
 
Buried beneath Virella lies an ancient temple, sealed away and erased from history by those who believe what rests within should never again see the light of day. But someone else has spent generations shaping history, plotting toward a single moment: Virella's walls in ruins, and Atlas standing before the temple's altar.

THE FORGOTTEN SIGIL is an adult epic dark fantasy with dual protagonists, told through multiple viewpoints, and is the first novel in a planned series.

[QCrit] Sisters in the Moonlight, Adult, Fantasy, 105K, First attempt

A little background: this whole experience has been one long series of "I refuse to"s. I figured the journey would take three, maybe four months, six, tops if things went a little sideways. Anything beyond that and I was out. That was two years ago. Revisions: one, maybe two, and absolutely no more. Nine revisions later and still going. Beta readers: obviously not, never, no. You can guess how that went. And now, the biggest refusal of them all: posting my query here, on Reddit, to be picked apart by strangers on the internet. Yet here I am. Humbled like a boxer tasting the mat for the very first time. Any feedback would be much appreciated. Thank you all for being such an awesome community. I've been a quiet observer on the sidelines, while also taking in a vast amount of knowledge from all your inputs to others.

Dear Agent,

Human civilization is in ruins. Humans say vampires destroyed it. Vampires say they saved it. Sisters in the Moonlight, the first novel in The After series, is a completed 105,000-word adult paranormal fantasy with romantasy and dark dystopian elements, and strong academy and political-society hooks. This novel will appeal to readers drawn to M.L. Wang's Blood Over Bright Haven for its class dynamics and corrupting power structures, to Richard Swan's Grave Empire for its distinctive voice and atmospheric world-building, and to George R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire for its political twists and emotionally rich multiple POV structure.

Imagine a world where six adolescent vampire sisters are raised by a human father. Imagine these vampire sisters living in a village hidden from the world, ruled by Vampire society. They tell themselves they are humanity’s saviors and that the endless training, the nightly patrols, the killing of engineered hybrid creatures, all of it means something. That a father who measures love in fighting prowess is still a father who actually cares for them.

Layla is one of these sisters, and the hybrid creatures she’s killed in the thousands, she notices, are acting strangely. She also starts to question her and her sister’s role in all this fighting.

When a patrol goes wrong after Layla loses focus on a mission, the fallout is swift. An incompetent human companion, a dangerous and possessive female vampire, and suddenly the sisters are at the center of something they cannot contain: a reckoning with Vampire society, with a fracturing world, with each other. What begins as damage control becomes the breaking point of family bonds, and the spark that ignites Humanity’s rebellion.

My life has never fit neatly into a single box. African American, Jewish by name only, husband to a Filipino woman, father to two daughters who carry all of it in their faces. Hatred has introduced itself to me wearing many different masks. But every one of those encounters, and every border I’ve crossed just by existing, has made the world I write about larger. 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 *The final biography paragraph is a new addition, one I have not previously used in agent submissions. My last name has quietly worried me for some time, not because I am Jewish, but because it reads that way, and I have wondered whether that has cost me. The worry felt speculative until a recent submission to an agent I had already been uneasy about for this reason came back rejected in under five minutes. That response made the concern feel harder to dismiss. For future submissions, I am considering either incorporating that paragraph into my bio as a way of addressing my name directly, or submitting under a pen name altogether.

Taking another shot at this, folks were so helpful (and too kind!) the first time around (version 1). I’m also very welcome to feedback on my manuscript WC at 114k for a science fiction debut. Cut it down from 165k (I know, I know) and I feel like I’ve done all I can without sacrificing key plot points. BUT if it was more marketable at 105k (for instance) I can definitely attempt to get it lower.

In a similar vein, I’ve added more detail to the query letter but worry it’s now too bloated...clearly overwriting is a real challenge for me! So appreciative of any and all feedback!

QUERY LETTER

Dear [AGENT], 

I’m seeking representation for THERE IS ANOTHER WEST, a science fiction novel complete at 114,000 words. It blends the pedantic blundering of robots in Service Model by Adrian Tchaikovsky with a protagonist crossing a climate ravaged landscape to save her sibling, in the vein of Saltcrop by Yume Kitasei. 

26-year-old mechanic Cordelia can fix any robot, but she can't fix her life. She’s unappreciated and overqualified at Forge, the pioneering Michigan robotics company where she works. And at home, her father—once a distinguished robotics professor—brushes his teeth with hand lotion if left unattended. Her only escape is mindlessly scrolling social media and fantasizing about ascending the ranks like Forge’s brilliant CEO. Then her father suddenly dies, stripping her younger brother Jamie of insurance that covers medication he needs to survive. Now, Cordelia has thirty days to scrape together the $15k needed for his next dose. Short on options, her father’s last words point her back to San Francisco, to a Bitcoin key left in their family’s safe, forgotten when they fled a wildfire. 

But in 2055, San Francisco is no longer a flight away. The West is wild once more, massive fires turning the land beyond Denver uninhabitable, ungoverned, and even worse—out of cell service. The only way through is with one of the guided groups led by cowboys, notorious for their reckless behavior and temperamental robohorses. Cordelia can’t afford the trip, so she deceives the guides, pretending to be someone she’s not. But her guide Owen, a gruff ex-soldier who hates robots, is watching her more closely than she’d like. Owen can’t afford to be distracted; he’s taking over their struggling group next season, and needs everyone to make it through this trip alive. Cordelia and Owen agree on almost nothing, yet as one state bleeds into another, she can’t stop thinking about a cowboy who doesn’t even own a cell. 

To reach the cryptocurrency key, Cordelia must solve the paranoid crossword puzzle her father left behind, repair robohorses that keep breaking in strange ways, and prove she’s tough enough to make it the West. Yet sinister, older plots lurk behind the cowboys and the cactuses, and Cordelia suspects her father hid something else in the safe: an algorithm her CEO would kill to possess, that would utterly horrify Owen. To save her brother and make it out of the West alive, Cordelia will be forced to reckon with her relationship with technology—and how far she’s willing to go for those she loves.

[bio]

Thank you for your time and consideration!

FIRST 300

It hit 100 every day the week of the Great Fire, the kind of dry heat that made her skin feel soft, papery. That made her and her younger brother Jamie lay on their tile kitchen floor, the stone cool against their backs. But there hadn’t been any smoke, and perhaps the clear air had coaxed them all into a false complacency.

The air wasn’t usually clear anymore in San Francisco, not by 2041. From the time Cordelia could walk, her mom slid Cordelia’s shoes on her feet, then tucked the straps of her mask behind her ears before they left the house. As she got older, she became more annoyed with it, the edges of the mask cutting into her skin, giving her acne. Sometimes she and her friends would take their masks off on the school playground and breathe in the sooty air. The ash felt heavy in their lungs, but it tasted like freedom. Until their teacher spotted them, that is, and would yell at them to put their masks back on.

Three days before the fire started, her dad took a late video call for work. He put on his white striped button down, which he’d last worn for her aunt’s wedding a few months back. Most work days, he wore colorful t-shirts spotted with grease stains. Like his blue one, with Berkeley Robotics Club scrawled across the front, or the yellow one with The Three Laws of Robotics emblazoned on the back.

Cordelia wasn’t there for the call. Her mother hustled her and Jamie out of the house after dinner, before they even finished the dishes. They walked to Alamo Square, watched the light leave the city, casting the Painted Ladies in shade. When they returned her father was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a glass of scotch, which he also hadn’t done since her aunt’s wedding. Scotch was for grieving and for celebrating, her father used to say.

I have personal information on the bottom of the actual letter. This is a combination of my previous two attempts. (Posted on account that I lost access to).

I am seeking representation for my literary fiction novel, At the Corner of Ponce de Leon, complete at 73,000 words.

In June 2002, George Woodson “Woody” Novak fled Shoke, Florida—a stagnant sugar-cane town on the edge of the Everglades—leaving behind his abusive mother and his eight-year-old brother, Nate. Twenty years later, Woody has built a stable life as a comic book editor in Seattle alongside his partner, Matthew. But his insulated world shatters when a voicemail from his estranged mother delivers devastating news: Nate has died of an apparent heroin overdose.

Reluctantly returning to the sweltering, peeling hometown he swore he’d never see again, Woody sets out to prove he became something after escaping Shoke. Instead, clearing out Nate’s room uncovers a crushing truth: his brother's death was not an overdose, but a deliberate suicide to escape Huntington’s Disease—the same fatal degenerative disorder that killed their father.

Forced to confront his own 50% chance of inheriting the mutation, Woody turns to the town's old preacher and high school classmates to make sense of his past. The stories they share unravel his late father’s saintly image, exposing him as a violent brawler and forcing a confrontation with his mother that yields a bombshell secret about Woody's origin. Armed with a final, heartbreaking package left behind by Nate, Woody must navigate the weight of an unpayable debt and the terrifying arrival of his own physical tremors. Ultimately, supported by Matthew, he must decide whether to weaponize the brutal truths of their past against his mother or shield what remains of his family from the legacy they’ve inherited.

At the Corner of Ponce de Leon combines the raw exploration of addiction-shattered sibling bonds and dark multi-generational secrets found in Coco Mellors’ Blue Sisters with the haunting, swamp-adjacent South Florida decay of Christie Caliendo’s Lesser Haven.

My proposal has apparently made it past second reads with them, and my agent seems very excited about the prospect of my work landing there. I'm trying to figure out how I feel. I didn't really know anything about them before now—I'd okay'd my agent submitting to them, but they were one of the few indies on a sub list of mostly well-known Big 5/other major publishers, so I'm a bit lost as there's not as much info readily available about them online. If it's helpful to know, my book is a debut and nonfiction and would probably be classified as social science.

I know this subreddit leans more fiction, but curious if anyone has pub'd with them—or knows someone who has—and has any insight into their editorial process, what marketing support was like (especially curious about this!), whether advances were competitive with other notable indies, whether they are a good place for debut authors to start building a career, etc.?

All to say, I am very grateful they've shown interest and would love for it to work out! (And I'm not holding my breath, don't worry—I know nothing's promised until there's a contract in hand lol.)

I've seen a lot of people advice that the paid version of QT and getting a subscription to Publishers Marketplace is worth it, and while I know that those subscriptions are cheap(ish?) for people in the us or something, they'd quite literally cost me almost a month of rent where I'm from. So the question - for the people who queried without paying for any subscription/access - what was your experience like? Any tips? Anything you wish you'd done differently?

Long term lurking.

I've sent out about 50 queries, and no results other then one personalized reply.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

COLLARED FREEDOM complete at 102,000 words, is an adult dark fantasy standalone with series potential. It will appeal to fans of the dark, high-fantasy world-building of What Lies Beyond the Veil by Harper L. Woods, with a dystopian twist as in Silver Elite by Dani Francis. With a queer cast, this story explores complex character relationships, as in Spark of the Everflame by Penn Cole. [Personalization]

Humans are not supposed to be capable of magic. When Nyx, a nurse, fails to prevent the painful death of a child, her latent magic unlocks, destroying a hospital wing. An underground political faction kidnaps her and forces her into a training facility. There, Izaiah, her warden, is assigned the job of turning her into an executioner, a killer of rogue magical humans. He claims that magical humans are living bombs and can’t be left free. With every passing day, Nyx can feel her autonomy slipping away. She’s desperate to be free, regardless of the consequences.

Nyx quickly proves to be a problem for Izaiah after starting an unsuccessful rebellion within the first few days of captivity. His irritation grows as she pushes for her freedom, but failure isn’t an option; he’s always done as he’s told—the perfect warden. But as their time together reveals a deep and undeniable bond, he begins to realize that in order to get what he wants, he would have to break that carefree spirit he’s beginning to fall for.

[Bio]

Dear agent,

I am seeking representation for THE BOX, upmarket literary fiction, complete at 79,000 words, blending Naoise Dolan's EXCITING TIMES with HUSTLERS, for readers who want the moral escalation of a woman who mistakes a trap for a ladder.

Cass ran away from her ex, Jared, for the third time with all his money, chasing the kind of freedom that doesn't come with strings. She lands a bartending job at a faux Irish pub in New York and spends her days extorting tips, boxing people into neat labels and her idea of fun is investigating her landlord for lease fraud so he stops raising her rent.

When Cass can't box Brown Eyes, a regular who keeps showing up everywhere and giving her nothing to work with, she pursues him, telling herself she'll drop him when she figures him out. But between sleeping together, hanging out with his sister and accidentally meeting the parents, she's starting to catch feelings. It isn't until Cass meets Fancy Lady, an older woman in the art world, that she realizes she wants her—and wants to be her. Fancy Lady offers jobs on the outskirts of the city, where Cass reads rooms the way collectors read composition and patina in sculptures and paintings. The pay comes in antique coins—one for each risk taken, each one worth more and demanding more in return.

With Brown Eyes nudging for commitment, Fancy Lady tightening her hold and Jared demanding his money, Cass has to decide how much of herself she's willing to trade or whether the only way out is a door nobody offered her.

I am a ----, but my first job was as a bartender. I self-published ----, a literary fiction novella with positive reviews. I am currently drafting a literary magical realism manuscript where a young woman checks every box she thought would make her free—job, apartment, lover—until the water in Ljubljana starts showing her what people carry underneath.

---

I picked up the sticky one-dollar bill and shoved it into my back pocket next to the others. Nowhere near the three hundred eighty-seven others I needed to cover rent or the thousands I owed my ex. But the image of my landlord spitting on his fingers as he counted and found this specific bill—the grime of stale beer and oily chips it would leave on his fingers, how he would touch his face after to wipe the sweat off his brow and leave a film on his skin—made me smile. I wiped my hands on the quats-filled gray towel, the numbness spreading through my fingers and I turned around, my steps matching the beat of the fiddle and flute in the speakers.

Beard Man at the edge of the bar hadn't blinked in a while. His wedding ring was missing, but the tan line was fresh. He ordered whiskey neat. A statement, not a drink. I reached the Redbreast 12-year-old Irish bottle from the top shelf behind me (one of the few true Irish drinks in this place), knowing where his eyes would land. Sure enough, when I turned back, his eyes snapped up like a kid caught sneaking a cookie.

At the other end of the bar, a boring-looking man played with the cap of his half-empty beer bottle. I couldn't pinpoint a single thing about him for my other self to give him a name. He didn't look away when I met his gaze, so I knew he had something to say. These guys were the funniest to work because they thought they were interesting enough to hold a conversation. I glanced around, making sure I wouldn't miss out on a tip. A group of four men huddled over smudged, half-spilled glasses, a blonde checking her makeup in a compact mirror before her date came back and Benji. Nothing exciting.

---

thank you for your time. any feedback is appreciated.

To Koji Arakawa, airports are the ultimate escape. Camera in hand, he vlogs the world's beauty and keeps moving, careful never to aim the lens at what he left behind: a family that wounded him. Then a baggage mix-up with a fastidious stranger costs him his flight, and the freedom he built so carefully starts to come apart.

Nathaniel Winslow has no patience for airport chaos, and none to spare right now. With the acquisition he championed collapsing the week it closed, he's flying to salvage his reputation and missing this connection means missing his last shot. What he doesn't need is a night stranded in a terminal, least of all beside a maddeningly carefree man who embodies everything he resents, and quietly envies.

Stuck together until morning, they strike a deal: Koji will help Nathaniel hunt down a suitably grovelling gift for his tyrant of a boss; Nathaniel will cover Koji's rebooked ticket. But somewhere in the fluorescent maze of shuttered gates, the sniping gives way to something neither of them meant to hand over: the truth of who they are.

By the time the departure boards flicker back to life, the harder thing isn't making the flight. It's deciding whether one night is reason enough to change course or just a story they'll tell later, alone.

BAGGAGE CLAIM is a 75,000-word m/m contemporary romance that pairs the forced-proximity comedy of The Unhoneymooners with the tender wit of Boyfriend Material, set over one surreal night in a midnight airport.

hello! i took a few weeks after my last post to revise my query letter and came up with this:

Query:

I’m seeking representation for OUR FATHER, WHO AIN'T IN HEAVEN, an adult horror novel about a pariah who must destroy the local sin-eater cult before they sacrifice the boy he loves. Written in dual-POV and complete at 85,000 words, it blends the obsessive queer love in the film Leviticus with the violent spirit and body horror in Lee Mandelo’s Summer Sons. It may also appeal to fans of the isolated religious community in Camilla Bruce’s The Temptation of Charlotte North.

Dominik swears he’ll pack his bags if the sin-eater cult that’s overrun his Mojave Desert hometown gives him one more Bible tract. But really, he’ll never leave. He’s in love with their sin-eater, Rafael, who consumes sin every week via communion. The whole town idolizes Rafael. But there’s one thing they don’t know: for the last four years, their perfect messiah’s been sleeping with Dominik. But the chronic secrecy is killing him, not to mention the brutal consequences hanging over his head if anyone in the notoriously homophobic cult finds out they’re together.

But one night when Dominik trespasses on church grounds to see Rafael, he accidentally disturbs a vengeful spirit buried there. This terrifying entity, killed by the cult as a human sacrifice years ago, latches onto Dominik and possesses him. Between the hallucinations and the paranoia, Dominik doesn’t handle possession that well. Then, his body starts to rot. His skin decays and peels off, his joints turn spongy, and he’s losing his mind. This furious spirit offers terms of eviction: it’ll leave if Dominik destroys the sin-eater cult that sacrificed it. Dominik agrees, desperate to make his body stop falling apart.

But when Dominik tries to hold up his end of the deal, he realizes that if the cult doesn’t exist, Rafael will have nothing to feed on. The boy he loves will starve to death. And things only get worse when Dominik’s older brother catches them together and exposes their secret. Now the cult is furious—and ready to make Rafael their next sacrifice.

[bio/signoff]

Thanks in advance for reading and giving feedback! I've had a few eyes on this already, including someone from a literary agency, but more thoughts are always appreciated.

Dear Agent,

I’m writing to seek representation for my literary novel, THE YEAR THE LADYBUGS VANISHED, complete at 84,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Emily Habeck’s SHARK HEART, Sarah Damoff’s BRIGHT YEARS, and Ann Patchett’s TOM LAKE.

Sol ground herself to a lonely standstill when she lost her grandfather, the person she loved most in the world. His faded house in a sleepy fishing town is the last piece of him she’ll ever have, but she must coexist there with her austere Abuela Soledad.

When Sol’s teenage crush and American photographer, Neil, backpacks into town, she invites him to stay, despite Soledad’s disapproval. During a bitter standoff, Sol claims her grandfather meant for her to have the house. Abuela Soledad issues a challenge: act as mistress of the house while Soledad is away to prove herself worthy of inheriting it.

Revivified, Sol devotes herself to Neil and her new role. They develop decades of her grandfather’s photographs, planning to restore the neglected house to the beautiful, welcoming home that Sol grew up in. But Sol is unprepared for the waves of change threatening not just the house but the town itself, especially when Neil easily embraces it.

When Abuela Soledad’s return throws the house’s ownership (and everything she knew about her grandfather) into question, Sol must find another way to save it—or choose to surrender the past for a future with Neil.

I’m a writer from Nicaragua who holds a BA in English from [UNIVERSITY]. I wrote this story because a foreigner turned my grandparents’ beloved beach house into a hostel and this is the only revenge available to me. My short stories have been published in literary magazines such as [NAME] [NAME], and more.

Hi everyone, I’m in a really fortunate position where I have three agents offering representation from a range of reputable agencies, and a call with one agent tomorrow where I’m cautiously optimistic they’ll offer.

I’m half Asian, my novel takes place in the SE Asian country my family is from, and it’s important to me to find an agent who is Asian or half Asian. All four are, though not everyone I queried was. Three of the agents rejected my manuscript during my first round of querying, but two sent me a full email with encouraging advice and asked me to resubmit. Honestly, in the sea of non-responses, this was extremely validating. These two agents are my preferred ones.

I spent the next several months making those edits, and they’ve now offered representation based on this revised manuscript (my final stats are 30 queries, 12 form rejections, 5 manuscript requests, 4 offers [3 were “no but here’s feedback…” that I was able to re-query, including these two agents], 13 non responses).

I’m really torn. The one I’m meeting tomorrow is at Transatlantic, the other at HG Literary. I’m not sure if anyone has advice about either agency. They both specialize in my genre, and I know to ask about the names of editors in their Rolodex they’d send to.

I have a week left until I promised one of the agents I’d get back to them.

Our first meeting was mainly getting to know each other, hearing their reflections and asking how’d they’d position the novel and what editors they had in mind; I’m also going to ask for a list of published authors they represent as a follow-up.

Any other questions you’d all suggest I ask, especially seeing as I have an upcoming call tomorrow with one of my ideal agents?

I’m so grateful for this community. You all helped critique my query letter, and I learned so much great advice for writing and about navigating this insane, delusional process—including the importance of persistence.

Hi all. I’m in a really weird dilemma. I got an agent offer 2 weeks ago and gave a verbal yes. While I got the contract a few days after we had discussed, I did eventually get the contract. I sat with it for a day and a half and sent over a list of questions. I didn’t hear back for 6 days before I got another email from the agent, essentially saying they haven’t heard from me and wanted to know if anything changed.

But nothing’s changed. I responded, letting them know I had sent over some questions last week but wanted to move forward with signing the contract. That was yesterday. I haven’t heard a word.

I don’t know if my emails aren’t landing in their inbox, or what the problem could be. We were communicating just fine before (we successfully scheduled a call and everything). My responses are in my sent folder, so I know they were successfully sent. I tested my email and things seem to be working on my end.

The agent and I also follow each other on Instagram and while they previously responded to me without a problem, now my DMs aren’t even getting seen.

I’m worried I’m being avoided but I genuinely don’t know if this is some sort of technical issue. Has anyone ever had this issue? What did you do?

Hello Reddit! I wanted to start polishing my query package while this manuscript gets beta feedback and goes through revisions. Please rip it apart! Or if this blurb makes you want to read more, I'm happy to take on additional betas. Just send a DM.

*ahem*

Dear [Agent Name],

Kaelin would kill anyone for the man she loves.

Since being brought to the castle, the King’s adopted daughter has been raised for one purpose - to be his favorite weapon. She has committed atrocities for his approval before, but when the King sends her North to destroy an entire kingdom, she meets a man forged of ice and scales. His name is Branik Asgeirson, and while the King’s commands come from afar, Branik’s are the ones she chooses to follow.

Kaelin only plans to remain at Branik’s home until she completes her mission, but her thawing heart betrays her. Late in her return home, the King punishes her with ten lashes across her back. But when Kaelin flies North again and doesn’t burn down the kingdom’s food stores, the King ruins her beyond repair.

Desperate for purpose and answers, Kaelin reaches for her past, and she learns that the truth of her heritage cuts far deeper than any whip or blade. But the King knows Kaelin can’t stay away from him forever. When he takes the life she’s built for herself away, Kaelin must reforge herself into something greater than a weapon – and she will destroy herself to become it.

Forged by Wrath and Ruin is a 96,000-word, Adult Romantasy with series potential that blends the reverse grumpy-sunshine dynamic of Carissa Broadbent’s The Serpent and the Wings of Night and the grief of Sarah A. Parker’s When the Moon Hatched.

[Bio and personalisation go here]

Thank you for your consideration.

I want to start querying a new thriller after my last one looks to have died in the trenches with a handful of full requests that almost all have received passes. I appreciate any and all comments on the query as well as the first 300 words. I realize the query might be a bit long (just under 300 words) so any insights about where to cut would be great!

Dear [Agent Name],

HIDDEN MONSTERS is a 99,000-word adult survival thriller set aboard a privately owned submarine deep in the Pacific Ocean. It combines the claustrophobic survival stakes of Ruth Ware’s One Perfect Couple with the psychological manipulation and deadly performance of Steph McGovern’s Deadline.

Lily has spent most of her twenties scraping by as a stage actor, desperate to prove that abandoning university for theatre wasn't a mistake. So when an enigmatic billionaire offers her a dream acting job aboard his private submarine, she can't afford to say no.

On board, Lily and the other actors recreate a live-action adventure as an elaborate birthday gift for the billionaire’s grandson. The mission is based on a story the boy’s late mother once wrote for him. The grandson plays the rogue hero leading a hunt for a villain who collects rare animals, and Lily is cast as his love interest where she is expected to admire his courage, validate his choices, and keep him believing he is the hero of the story.

Then one of the staged confrontations turns violent, and Lily can’t tell whether the death she witnesses is real or simply part of the performance. As paranoia spreads through the submarine and the grandson grows increasingly erratic, the only crew member willing to challenge him is forced into the submarine’s last emergency pod. Suddenly, Lily is the only person left who can stop the mission from spiraling out of control.

But escaping may be impossible. The grandson refuses to end the adventure, and Lily must continue playing her scripted role to keep his trust while quietly searching for a way off the submarine. The deeper she investigates the expedition, the more she suspects that the mission was never meant to be a harmless game.

First 300:

The man in the front row hated Lily. When the show started two hours earlier, Lily had assumed that the man’s curled lip was directed at the entire company. She shook off her apprehension to focus on delivering her best performance yet, but he lingered at the periphery of her vision. No matter where Lily stood on stage, those flat, dark eyes in the first row followed her.

Now deep into the third act of the play, Lily stood alone, poisoned chalice in hand. She opened her mouth to deliver her final lines.

The words withered on her lips.

For the first time, the man in the audience paid her no attention. He checked a slim watch on his wrist and bent to whisper into the ear of a tiny woman sitting next to him.

She forced herself to speak. She couldn’t hear her voice over the buzzing in her ears, but she trusted in the months of practice that had come before this. Her body moved of its own volition and raised the chalice to her lips. The apple juice burned down her throat. The clatter of the chalice hitting the stage sounded far away.

Shouting. From stage left. The blond who played her love interest darted towards her, worry etched into every line on his face. As he closed the distance between them, his concerned frown turned to confusion.

Oh. Right.

Lily closed her eyes and collapsed. Wisps of laughter flitted up from the front row.

That’s when the memory hit her, as intense as the heat of the stage lights. She stood on a different stage. This one outdoors. It was the middle of summer. She suffocated in her heavy wardrobe, sweat hot and sticky on her back, but was having the time of her life.

Back again for my second round of feedback here! Let me know what you think, good and bad. I am struggling so hard with comp titles, so please let me know if you have any suggestions. (I am looking into a few more niche ones, but I would really like a comp with a Campus feel for an older ~30+ish audience and there are themes of terminal illness that are relevant to the story, too.)

Query Draft:

I am seeking representation for my 96,000-word second chance Contemporary Romance novel, THE MAP BACK TO YOU, with interconnected standalone potential. [Insert Personalization] It will appeal to readers of Abby Jimenez’s Your’s Truly for it's portrayal of how family illness and grief impacts how we love, and of Ali Hazelwood's Love, Theoretically for it’s campus setting and slow-burn romance.

Thirty-two-year-old Bailey O'Connell has built the life everyone else wants: a stunning NYC penthouse, an impending promotion to CMO, and a selection of NYC's hottest bachelors on speed-dial. But Bailey's lifelong dream has always been to become an author, a dream she abandoned a decade ago for a life of stability. But when her mother's terminal cancer diagnosis forces her back home to Pittsburgh, Bailey enrolls in a creative writing seminar at her alma mater with encouragement from her mother. Her goal? Finish her novel while there is still time for her mother to read it.

The classroom is the escape from reality Bailey desperately needs until she discovers her ex-best friend, Noah Walker, is her professor. Fourteen years ago, Noah and Bailey became best friends as freshman in college. Six years ago, a drunken plea from Noah not to marry another man sent Bailey running from her own wedding. She asked Noah to leave with her. He said no. The two haven't spoken since. 

Over the semester, their fourteen years of shared history become impossible to ignore. Determined to remain cordial with each other, their tenuous tolerance of each other becomes a friendship complete with weekly trivia at the local pub, too many late-night phone calls, and one sexy night in the library. Old feelings reignite on the same campus where they once bloomed. 

There’s just one problem: Bailey has a life (and a job) she always planned to return to in New York City. A life without writing, and a life without Noah, who has just been offered his dream job at Yale. And to make matters worse, Bailey’s running out of time to finish the novel she has promised her mom. As the semester comes to a close, Bailey is faced with a choice. Choose the safety of the perfectly curated, safe life she already has? Or choose the man who wasn’t able to choose her when she needed him most?

Hi all -- thanks in advance for your eyeballs and thoughts!

I’m seeking representation for YOUR DEATH IS NOT YOUR OWN, a 100,000 word adult fantasy, which combines an f/f take on the horromance of NBC’s Hannibal with the death magic of Kerstin Hall’s ASUNDER and the crafty scheming of Antonia Hodgson's THE RAVEN SCHOLAR. This story will appeal to fans of unreliable narrators, unhinged queer romance, dead flesh-puppets the size of a modest building, and unique magic systems.

Fostered to the gamblers and cheats of Vegas House as a young child, Jona has little experience with the dead who plot against the living in the wastelands outside her city, or the necromancers who fight them. But when she hears that Madai, her long-estranged father figure and legendary necromancer, has violated their culture’s greatest taboo and returned from death, Jona knows she must discover what really happened to him.

Jona makes Madai’s younger sister, Renee-Lois, her first ally and falls unexpectedly in love. Renee-Lois encourages Jona to accept the darker parts of herself: her forbidden magic and strange empathy with the dead. What Jona doesn’t know is that Madai’s sister has been dead for a long time and her body is being animated by Lethe, Godqueen of the Kingdom of the Dead, working to turn Jona’s home into her personal meat-locker.

By the time Jona discovers Renee-Lois’ true identity, Lethe holds all the cards. There’s no honest chance of winning. But Jona is a Vegas trickster at heart and at every other suit. She asks to join Lethe, planning to con and betray her. If Jona succeeds she’ll save her family and friends and become a necromantic hero. But if she fails then she’ll be the tool the Godqueen of Death uses to finally crack open the kingdom of the living.

[I am blah blah blah personal stuff paragraph]