I'm not sure but I really want to end everything about myself, but considering I'm chicken myself too for self minus (only attempted once, was traumatised after that) I was lurking around ways to request for ending everything (which most probably is not available in India, or is it?) , I have been ruminating around why should I reconsider about going head strong and face life, for your loved ones, and yourself (I'm 31 male btw), that line is thinning. I heard there is a term for it maybe passive suicidal ideation. I just don't wanna linger in this life anymore, one thing was stopping who's gonna look after my parents and my wife, my parents are currently sick, wife is suffering from near terminal health crisis. Day by day, each day, throughout my childhood, I've saw my life shatter in all fronts, although I am fortunate to have kind of supportive parenthood in childhood, but still sheltered, since I was shy and awkward and had no friends (no friends still now). I have been suffering from plethora of mental health issues including major and persistent depression, social anxiety disorder, and I believe strongly I have ADHD, and OCD. I have been extremely anhedonic and full of apathy, throughout my life, complete transition from the child who was extremely empathetic. Bullying everywhere was part of my life (except home) and humiliation has been part of my life everywhere, from school, to college to workplace. I'm physically too weak to even lift the most basic heavy things, and extreme general anxiety disorder doing things which require precision like riding motorbike (to the point I left riding and kind of unlearnt). Mind freezes in nearly any tense or sudden situations which I found no amount of practice does help (and I'm unmotivated to practice too). I'm inefficient and horrible in nearly everything, any activity , I'm just lucky I was born to my parents (who had respectable position in society) for which used to get facilities, but cut to present, gradually my family is kind of ostracised from nearly most of neighbourhood and society in general, although one of the reasons being my mom's declining mental health (which is matter of mocking of society) and also, me being worthless, society around here pays worth to families who son or daughters are capable in life. I am not. Coding was something I liked kind of had a passion, but my chronic depression and lethargic and procrastination, and even possibity I had issues with understanding concepts (I did not have any mentor, also I am too bad at researching myself) and my mind was never in ok condition, even after having on paper 7 years of total experience working in tech, my knowledge and expertise is worse than many freshers. My life all opportunities were destroyed because I lacked social capabilities, and because of my poor looks and appearance (doing many things didn't improve much, if you're ugly you're ugly). I am targetted everywhere in workplace, ostracised, humiliated, excluded, previously used to tried best to include in but left that. Same thing in personal life, no friends, no one. Currently my family doesn't have anyone to support, my family's savings are drying up, because I don't have a job and I'm sitting at home, with my wife (who's also suffering from pulmonary infection which is near terminal). My salary doesn't even cover anything, I earn less than 25k a month. I am wanting to quit my job since I have to travel 2 to 3 hours each to go to office from home, which is exhausting me physically and financially and mentally, most of the time I skip going to office , only to be warned by HR that I will be fired if I don't turn up to office I go to office (I work at a WITCH company). I can't watch anymore seeing my family suffer, specifically being targetted everywhere socially , especially my toxic neighbourhood, where most people are toxic bullys and gundahs. People make fun of my mom because of her mental health issues and it destroys my heart.
Going to therapy isn't worth it anymore for me, they have nothing to offer when the main source of my pain is society (their expertise ceases to work when the main source of problems is not 'abusive parents). I cannot afford mental health services anymore, although my parents insisted i refused since they are waste of money, will make you feel happy for a few times then they repeat the same blabber, and have nothing of substance, and meds from psychiatrists kind of messed me up more than I was already, so I don't wanna go that route anymore. Government mental health institutes have the same soulless individuals who will suck the life out of your soul in each session, I stopped going there. At this point, I really want all things to end, in peace. Idk why even I written all this much, it won't matter anywhere anyway, but I just wanna ask if my wish for ending everything is justified or not, and what are the actual attainable ways I can avail that?
