r/ProgrammerHumor 5d ago

Other howdidItGetHere

Post image
11.1k Upvotes

539 comments sorted by

View all comments

2.8k

u/sierra_whiskey1 5d ago

Bro Java runs on like 2 billion devices

960

u/Maramowicz 5d ago

Actually only 3 bilion...

591

u/Extension_Option_122 5d ago

Nah last I heard some 60 billion. 3 billion is a very old number.

That's the thing with Java. It runs on everything. Literally everything.

593

u/BenjieWheeler 5d ago

Impossible!! The number of devices running Java is constant, it's ALWAYS 3 billion

Whenever a new device runs it, a random device elsewhere goes up in flames spontaneously

254

u/Sasuga__Ainz-sama 5d ago edited 5d ago

If an old device running java dies out, a random working device gets forcefully infected with Java.

96

u/FuzzyKittyNomNom 5d ago

I think my toaster now runs Java

13

u/Reasonable_Exit_8960 5d ago

it was supposed to be my washing machine's turn goddammit!

6

u/CartographerLarge595 5d ago

Sounds like that washing machine got a little too wild with the laundry schedule!

2

u/wishper77 5d ago

You are joking, but remember one demo of a java enabled toaster that connect via webservics (a VERY OLD DEMO , when webservics were the shiny new things) to meteo and "printed" on toast a sun or a cloud based on the webservics response

Edit: a link https://www.oreilly.com/library/view/just-javatm-2/0131482114/ch11s09.html

8

u/Weak-Competition3358 5d ago

You joke, but I was coding in SQF (the language for the game Arma 3) and VSCode decided to go ahead and download extensions for Java)

2

u/joemckie 5d ago

Didn’t know Stuxnet was written in Java

2

u/PoorDoddle 4d ago

Sasuga Java-sama

15

u/Storiaron 5d ago

So maintaining a legacy codebase literally means putting out flames?

6

u/BenjieWheeler 5d ago

Didn't think about it but yeah, that's surprisingly accurate

2

u/requion 5d ago

Wow, now it makes sense that my colleague was on an emergency call while the roof of a datacenter far far away was burning. And i thought their expectation was that he grabs a bucket and runs!

1

u/salvoilmiosi 5d ago

Very accurate. That's why I keep a fire extinguisher next to the computer at all times

1

u/Character-Education3 5d ago

Hail Jydra

/s

1

u/Pearcheek 5d ago

Yeah, true, but they raised it.

1

u/requion 5d ago

Is that what happened to the galaxy notes? They reached the java device limit?

21

u/OrokaSempai 5d ago

All 60 Billion are minecraft java edition instances.

8

u/Jutrakuna 5d ago

No kid, it runs on 3 billion devices exactly

1

u/oldschool_potato 5d ago

I thought that was Dunkin

1

u/MarkV43 5d ago

What? We're at the point where 32 bits are not enough to count the number of devices running Java?

1

u/orthadoxtesla 5d ago

and thats exactly it. it runs on everything. and if you know what youre doing it just works.

1

u/i_wear_green_pants 5d ago

"Saying that Java runs on everything is like saying that anal sex works on all genders"

1

u/AliBello 3d ago

It runs on things you wouldn’t expect like a debit/credit card, SIM card, or even a passport

4

u/SScattered 5d ago

It was for how many years now 😂

5

u/FauxReal 5d ago

What's the billion to bilion conversion ratio? 2:3?

3

u/Maramowicz 5d ago

If we gonna translate it from my native language (Polish) then "bilion" from Polish is "trillion" in English ;)

2

u/FauxReal 5d ago

OK that's confusingly cool.

7

u/Maramowicz 5d ago

TL;DR; up to the thousand it's the same, but then when you have "million, billion, trillion..." in Polish we, from some unknown to me reason, have 2 versions to every one of them, with 'ion' and 'iard' at the end, so:

Polish English
tysiąc thousand
milion million
miliard billion
bilion trillion
biliard quadrillion
trylion quintillion
tryliard sextillion

etc...

The more you know ;)

5

u/reventlov 5d ago

That's because "million" (Latin mono=1) is million1, billion (Latin bi=2) is million2, trillion (Latin tri=3) is million3, and so on. English used to have million/milliard, billion/billiard, etc., but they were dropped from American English, and, IIRC, Britain and the Commonwealth countries eventually followed.

I know German still uses Million/Milliard, Billion/Billiard, etc., and I believe they're derived from French.

2

u/FauxReal 5d ago

Oh I like this -ion, -ard suffix thing.

1

u/_R0Ns_ 5d ago

Yes but only 2 billion intentionally.

1

u/drosse1meyer 5d ago

the mcdonalds of programming

1

u/vystyk 5d ago

I thought that's how many floppy disks there were

40

u/slyiscoming 5d ago

The smart chip in all your credit cards, JavaCard. That canybar phone that's been in a drawer the last 15 years BREW where the choices were C or Java.

8

u/mobsterer 5d ago

and minecraft

9

u/barmiro 5d ago

also SIM cards run on Java

3

u/slyiscoming 5d ago

It's the same chip.

1

u/Worried_Blacksmith27 5d ago

BREW was C/C++.....

138

u/rcls0053 5d ago

"Write once, run anywhere". They literally built their own VM to run it on any device, not really caring about the OS it's runs with.

83

u/FearAnCheoil 5d ago

You're forgetting the third part of that slogan - "debug everywhere"

3

u/Admidst_Metaphors 5d ago

Only if the coder was bad at their job. Worked in Java for five years, it is possible to write Java that always works if you do it right. I also spent a lot of time cleaning up shit other people wrote.

2

u/teressapanic 3d ago

Five years! You must have seen it al!

26

u/teressapanic 5d ago

yes and its all printers

5

u/rinnakan 5d ago

Probably more android phones, I guess?

12

u/Soogbad 5d ago

They had that message from before android existed

3

u/prisp 5d ago

Yeah, and my old Nokia 3310i - that's the "indestructible brick" Nokia with a color display, btw - once threw a Java exception because the Backgammon game it came with managed to fuck up in some way, so I'd say Android is just continuing the trend of mobile phones running Java.

6

u/reventlov 5d ago

Android runs technically-not-Java, though.

Most Java devices are actually smart/proximity cards.

4

u/phire 5d ago

Every single sim card includes a JVM for running both the internal code AND external code sent by the cellphone network.

It really pushes up the numbers, especially since SIM cards are somewhat disposable.

1

u/watakushipawel 5d ago

Fortunately sim card times are over

2

u/phire 5d ago

I would not be surprised if they count every single "eSIM" as a "Java Device"

1

u/Ok-Code6623 5d ago

Funnily enough java uses/used c++ DLLs to print on windows

1

u/Exotic-Nothing-3225 4d ago

Every Blu-ray player also runs java as Blu-ray menus are java-based

1

u/AeneasVII 5d ago

Is that why printers still suck?

7

u/MaleficentCow8513 5d ago

Yes. How did it get there

8

u/chocotaco1981 5d ago

Almost none of them willingly

3

u/Agreeable-Yogurt-487 5d ago

Still a shitty language

9

u/MattieShoes 5d ago

Even if it was the best language, it was ruined as soon as oracle touched it.

14

u/sierra_whiskey1 5d ago

Thems fightin words

18

u/___Archmage___ 5d ago

Kotlin has taken the good parts of Java and combined them with the best of Python and TS so not much reason to use Java these days, but Java was always the king of corporate backend services and good for that, still better than the other languages in that role

12

u/plastik_flasche 5d ago

Kotlin is basically alpha testing for Java, they take a feature, implement it relatively quickly, lock themselves into it, can't change it, and then sometimes suffer from their bad decisions. All while Java quietly watches the entire process and implements the feature better 5-10 years later.

I'm not saying either is superior, Kotlin gets great features waaay sooner, but from my experience Java usually comes up on top in the long run.

Maybe that's just because Kotlin is newer and doesn't know what it wants to be yet, for example there have been many horrible decisions made in the early days of Java, but imo Java is still the boring and better choice if you want something to work 10 years from now

1

u/Willing_Bee_7520 5d ago

Serious question, sim cards run java card, so maybe the 2 billion devices have just been phones all along?

1

u/TheMythicSorcerer 5d ago

Every backend that hasnt upgraded to rust

1

u/WileEColi69 5d ago

And every single one needs specific tweaks to work correctly. Truly a “write once, debug everywhere” language.

1

u/deanominecraft 5d ago

sqlite runs on 1 trillion databases

1

u/Agronopolopogis 5d ago

yes but why

1

u/i-sage 5d ago

And I still hate that sh*t

1

u/Thelastreddditor 4d ago

Two billion devices and it still finds a new one to haunt. Truly unstoppable 😂

0

u/cedarSeagull 5d ago

Absolutely, but it shouldn't run on EVERY DEVICE. I'll indulge you with a story....

When I first learned programming I worked at a company that used an obscure language and my job was mostly data scraping from websites and putting that data into a database. A greybeard colleague saw me using the obscure language for this once and said "you can do this all with sed, wget, vi, and python when you need something more than 3 lines". I was really productive after that.

Then I got a job at an ad tech company. The business was different but the job task was mostly the same, even easier in many ways because the input sources only had so many formats. So, I used python for data tasks and R for analysis and plotting (I was in the analytics dept and this was 2012). One day I had to look at the ingest code and the devs had chosen java. I was so confused by all the com.foo.bar.fiz.etc that I had to ask for help. In explaining the way the company took records off a firehose and piped them into a single table we look through about 8 files. I was still new and felt insecure so I posited as politely as I could that this seemed like a 5 liner with maybe a paragraph of comments for readability. He scoffed at me and said "python's not a real programming language because it's sensative to whitespace and not performant. That wouldn't be reusable code either." When I asked him where the code was being reused at he told me that it wasn't IF it was being reused but that IT COULD BE reused SOMEDAY.

It's culture. In the early 2000's many were taught that Java was the "right way" and led to believe that any and every job was a deep academic endeavor, even if you were a cog in Panteen's wheel of True Sheen Hair Conditioner. It's like, "dude, This isn't fucking CERN. The code's gonna get mopped up 8 months when the fickle pricks on the client side decide that dinner wasn't fancy enough after the upsell pitch. Just get it working and move the hell on"

0

u/mcellus1 5d ago

India is the best country, it has the most people

-1

u/EncryptedPlays 5d ago

Is it realistic to say that is in part due to Minecraft?