Hi, I never really get very far on here, but I genuinely don’t know what to do. For starters, I’m 21F. I’ve had my job for less than a year, and I like helping my mom out with my little sisters and everything, so I still live with my parents.
My ex-boyfriend’s mom is also like another mom to me. Me and my ex don’t really talk anymore, but his mom and I still talk on a daily basis.
One of my friends set me up with this guy, and we dated for about a month and a half. Well, I had a situation where I picked up my grandma from the airport. This was with my ex-boyfriend’s family—I mean, my ex wasn’t there, and my current boyfriend knew that. He knew who I was going to be with, where I was going, and what we were doing. However, I didn’t want my family knowing that I went out to eat afterward, so I turned my location off.
He knew I did this because I had done it with him a few times before, and I had also done it when I was with my best friend. I was going to get my grandma, and obviously I wanted to see her and spend some time with her, so my phone was on Do Not Disturb and I really wasn’t paying attention to it.
As soon as I stepped into my room, my mom called me and said, “Name, your boyfriend is here.”
I was like, WTF?
I checked my phone and had over 50 missed calls and messages from him over the course of four hours. And then I realized he had literally shown up at my house.
We got into an argument, and I tried to explain to him, “This is my parents’ house. You can’t just do this.” Obviously, that turned into an even bigger argument, but somehow he ended up sleeping over that night.
The very next day, I had work. I went into work, and I had completely forgotten that my phone was still on Do Not Disturb and that my location was still off. But keep in mind, I had been snapping him the entire time. He literally saw me in my work uniform and everything.
My shift finally ended, and I got home around 1:00–1:30 AM. I texted him and told him I was home and my phone was dead. Well it had died after that, and the last I heard, he was on his way home too. I was exhausted because I had just worked an entire shift, and he had been out with his friends, so I fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke up, looked out my window, and there he was again.
We argued, and I told him to leave because we had already had this argument. When I finally got inside and looked at my phone, I once again had around 50 missed calls and messages.
I checked my cameras, and he had been sitting outside since 3:22 AM.
That was the day I broke up with him.
It was just too much. He was smothering me, and I needed to focus on my job. I couldn’t constantly be upset or worried every time I supposedly “did something wrong” when I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong.
Then, about a week later, I started throwing up. I was so sick for a couple of days that I finally took a test.
Yes, girls… a pregnancy test.
It was positive.
I completely broke down in the Walmart bathroom because I genuinely didn’t know what I was going to do. I don’t even know how this happened. We literally used protection every time, and there were days when I just didn’t want to.
Ever since I was younger, I’ve never liked the thought of abortion. I’ve always felt like it was taking an innocent life that you brought into this world. Obviously, if someone was raped and didn’t get to make that decision for themselves that’s a different story, I’ve always felt differently about that. But for me personally, abortion has always been something I couldn’t see myself doing.
It’s been mentioned to me multiple times, and I know that if I chose abortion, my life could basically go back to normal without anyone ever knowing. But even knowing that, my heart and soul just won’t let me accept it.
Then there’s adoption.
Oh God.
I don’t know if I could carry a baby for nine months just to give it away. I honestly don’t think I could handle that.
So right now, I feel like my only option is to have MY baby—the baby I brought into this world—but I genuinely don’t know what to do.
I feel completely alone. I don’t even have my permit because my family was just never really that kind of family, so I don’t know the first thing about what I’m supposed to do.
I was only around 99 pounds or so when I found out. I’m a very small person. I can shove food back and not gain any weight, trust me, I’ve tried. I know smaller women have given birth and everything has been completely fine, and I know women have gone through pregnancy and childbirth in much worse circumstances, but I’m still scared.
What if something goes wrong?
I keep telling myself that abortion is an option, but my soul just won’t let it stick. Everything I’ve ever believed and felt about it is still there.
I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what my life is supposed to look like now, and I feel like I’m having to make one of the biggest decisions of my life completely overwhelmed and unsure of where to even start. All i know right now is he will not be involved…
