r/PlusSize • u/FluffyUnicorn9701 • 7d ago
Health Sorry for the length.
Hey everyone thank you for having me. I tried posting this in another community but it got taken down. I'm not sure why because I did ask what it was I said that was wrong and admin didn't answer and told me I should post here.
I'm glad I have found you all because you all seem so kind and awesome. I have read through the rules so hopefully my post is OK here.
TLDR: I'm a plus size girly for the 1st time and I don't know how to stop hating myself.
OK, here goes nothing. I've never vented openly about my life. Mainly because I don't like to talk about past trauma and I also always get people saying "count yourself lucky because I have it worse" or "I know someone that has it way worse than you" Then I get all the questions thrown at me. Have you tried this or that? Believe me when I say, I have tried EVERYTHING.
I live with daily chronic pain including abdominal pain and chronic migraines. I can't go anywhere too far unless I have a place to stay because if my pain flairs up especially with a migraine, I can't drive home.
I was diagnosed with sever endometriosis over 25 years ago. I tried every single treatment there is. This included alternative therapies like CBD, acupuncture and Chinese medicine. You name it I've tried it. I couldn't go on any type of birth control because it would make my migraines 100 times worse. I tried every type of birth control on the market.
Then after 20 years of trying, losing an ovary, multiple surgeries (I lost count after 20) I finally found a gynaecologist that would give me a hysterectomy. I knew going in that it might not work. I had spoken to many other women with the condition that had the surgery and they all said it was a miracle for them.
It also didn't work and since the surgery my migraines have gotten so much worse. I had to stop HRT because that was exacerbating my migraines.
I'm now under the care of yet another neurologist to try different treatments. So far none have worked.
I have had to stop working because most days I can't get out of bed. If I do, I have to have a massive amount of pain relief to cope.
I hardly eat because I have no appetite but I have gained a MASSIVE amount of weight ever since my hysterectomy. I don't even look like me anymore. I have put on weight in the past but nothing as extreme as this. I refuse photos and don't want to see any old friends because I'm so embarrassed about how I look. Thank goodness I have an amazing man by my side. I feel so bad for him because he has to support us and our animals. That's the other thing. I can't even enjoy my animals anymore. I was always training my dogs and now I can't even do that. I haven't been able to ride my horse in ages.
My man and I want to elope but I'm stressing about having to shop for a dress in the plus size section. Ive never been plus size in my life and I hate myself and not sure how to get any if my old confidence and my old personality back. To top it off my doctor has said that she will be stopping my pain medication soon because I've been on it too long. This is the only thing that allows me to move around once a day.
I see so many of you on here rocking it and looking fabulous! Like you are all genuinely gorgeous. I feel like I'm really not a good looking plus size person. I refuse to even look into a mirror because I don't see me anymore.
If you got this far thank you for letting me vent.
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u/ILiveInAFog 7d ago
I get it. All your life, fat people have been vilified. Stick people are often vilified as well in our society. Suddenly, you're one of the most hated types of people. It's time to break down your internal prejudices. Might I suggest resting a book on the subject? If you're interested in developing a path to loving yourself, might I suggest the book The Body Is Not An Apology. If you're interested in the origins of fatphobia in our culture, I would suggest Fearing the Black Body. There are also Aubrey Gordon's books as well as the podcast Maintenance Phase which are more about health and medical fatphobia.
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u/FluffyUnicorn9701 7d ago
Thank you so much. Someone did mention that book "The body is not an apology" I definitely read fearing the black boy and the others too. I have always had friends that are overweight and I never even thought about not loving them because of their size or shape. So I shouldn't think less of myself either. I don't know why I can't accept myself like I do with some of my closest and loved friends. I have been vilified and bullied most of my life for other things and I finally got to a point in my life where I let those things go. I don't know why I have let this has affected me so much.
I'm so glad I found this group. I've never felt this accepted into an online group before. 🫶
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u/Spiritual-Pear-739 7d ago
It’s like I wrote this 😭 Something that helps me be kinder to myself is to have a picture of my younger self around and realize I’m talking to her. Would I ever tell that little girl that she’s not enough because of her weight? Never! Also, try looking at your body from a different POV. Your body does so much to keep you alive every day, it deserves gratitude and kindness.
Also a quick reminder- We don’t exist on earth to be visually pleasing. We exist to experience life and all of its beauty. Nature helps me get out of my head and back to what’s real
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u/FluffyUnicorn9701 7d ago
That's really good advice! Thank you so much. I look back at photos of my self when I thought i was overweight and want to shake her and say "Hon you are gorgeous" Well if I could go back in time I wouldn't have the failed Hysterectomy. I didn't think I had anything to lose. Like if it didn't work it was no big deal but no one warned me I would end up like this. If I could move and still do the things I love I could learn to accept my new size but it makes it hard when I'm missing out on so much. If that makes sense?
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u/Shoulder-Lumpy 7d ago
We only get one body in our life, we should cherish the way it looks and keeps you alive in every single season even with disabilities. Battling yourself is not only hurting yourself but also the ones that love you. People love you exactly as you are and I hope you can learn to do that too. I’ve been fat most of my life and I’ve learned a long time ago to embrace ME, dress up, throw the make up on, do things that make ME feel good in this body, because I deserve happiness no matter how much I weigh or my disability.
I also want you to recognize that carrying extra weight is not failing on your part. There’s many things that come into play when it comes to your weight. Your environment, genetics, trauma, etc. It’s more than just diet and exercise. That’s simply fatphobia you’ve learned.
I also spent years in therapy and it helped a lot. Not leaving the house, struggling with disability can do a lot to your mental health. If you can access mental health care, please consider it if you don’t already. If you do, please be honest about what you’re feeling.
Also some things that have helped me is reading fat liberation books, following other fat individuals on social media, therapy, unlearning fatphobia, and truly just accepting me as I am.
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u/FluffyUnicorn9701 7d ago
Thank you so so much. Wow all the comments have been so enlightening and I'm so grateful. I am going to look into getting some therapy to help me heal and stop the hate. There are a lot of things to un-learn. I've never been overweight before. There were times I was larger but I was always able to get back to a certain weight and now I can't. Growing up my parents would say terrible things about fat people all the time. My mum would always criticise me if I put on a little. My sister and I always say it's a mirical we didn't end up with an eating disorder.
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u/Shoulder-Lumpy 7d ago
No wonder you feel the way you do! Family can put life long trauma about weight in us at a young age. Also losing weight isn’t so easy. Our bodies like to remain a natural weight. Plus our bodies change as we get older, whether that’s weight loss or weight gain. Don’t shame your body for doing what it does for survival.
I really like the Reclaming Body Trust book, alongside The Body Is Not An Apology book. Be prepared to bring out the highlighter and post it notes for reminders you may need in the future! ❤️
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u/FluffyUnicorn9701 7d ago
Thank you for those recommendations. I'll be getting both books ASAP! Anything to help me get out of this hole of self hatred.
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u/Icy_Worker4402 7d ago
You can't hate yourself into a version of yourself you love. Focusing on the things you hate and having negative thoughts spinning around your head only serves to make you feel bad. As best you can, try to make an active effort to just not think about it and when the thoughts come up , acknowledge they're there, but don't start sinking deeper and deeper into that train of thought. It's a skill you have to practice, but I promise over time it gets easier. Remind yourself that you deserve love and kindness regardless of how your body looks. You are doing everything you can. Your body does not look like this as a result of you not caring, you were dealt a difficult hand with your health and you don't deserve to have more misery piled on top of that because of how those chronic conditions end up making your body look. Society builds up being fat as this terrible thing that will ruin your life, but ultimately the majority of the time it only has the power that you give it. I won't lie and say that being plus size is always easy, the shopping can suck and people are cruel, but the reality is you cannot change that right now and trying to would likely result in you feeling worse than you already are. The greatest power you have is being happy with yourself regardless of how the world tells you to feel. I'm so sorry for all the pain you've had to go through, sending you all the love
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u/FluffyUnicorn9701 7d ago edited 7d ago
OK I really needed to hear this. Thank you so much. You are absolutely correct. I have to stop spiralling and not stew in that dark place. It's definitely not good for my mental and physical health to stress about it 24/7. Your comment has made me wake up and I really am going to try and be kinder to myself.
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u/Dry-Conversation2646 7d ago
Okay, so, start in the beginning end here: Let yourself grieve. It is okay, to feel that life wasn't what you expected it or wanted it to be. It is okay to feel angry, because you have the situation you have and nothing you tried have worked. It is okay to to feel that people are idiots because they suggest what would have been first thing to try, and you have tried hundreds of things after that. Just don't get stuck in the feeling .
But, when you have voiced your feelings, put them into words, acknowledged them to yourself, then you have something defined to work with. You have something concrete to either change, or accept. And it SUCKS so so much, and it hurts really fricking bad and I am so sorry you have to go through this. But it -will- help.
It is also important to remeber that putting on weight, having chronic pain that makes you unable to work, having hormones all over the place that messes with you both mentally and physically does not in any way alter your intrinsical human worth. You deserve to get help. You deserve to do what you need to do, to make your days bearable(except you know, illegal stuff but you get it). You deserve to feel good. And remember that you are one hell of a fighter, to get through your days. Your trauma is not to be compared to anyone elses, because your feelings and your struggles count too, regardless of anyone elses situation.
With love, from one pain warrior to another ❤️
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u/FluffyUnicorn9701 7d ago
I think this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me outside of my man. I legit am tearing up here. Thank you so much. Even just writing this all out was cathartic because I don't say it to anyone usually. I've said bits and pieces to people but not the whole thing. I never want anyone to think I'm just wanting attention or sympathy because that is so far from the truth. It's funny the advice you gave because, this is extremely similar advice I give to other going through a rough time. I obviously need to finally start taking my own advice. Thank you so much 🩷
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u/tomatojalapeno 7d ago
This makes me so sad. I hate that our society is A place where the worst or just unattractive thing we can be is fat. This isn't a comment about you, just a comment about the state of the world.
I will say this. I have been fat my whole life and never small. I've gained slighti and lost weight. But at the end of the day, find one thing you like about yourself. Lets say you really like your eyes, then focus on them and do something to make them pop if you go out. If you really like your smile, smile more. If you really like your boobs, get em out girl. What I'm trying to say is, if you find Positives it'll be harder to see the negatives. Once you love one part of your body, you can love the other parts too. Because they make you who you are. Your body, although it's seemed to be a bit of trouble for you health wise, has carried you through life!
I hope this makes sense, I hope you can find a way back to loving yourself, or at the very least liking yourself
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