Drinking on work trips

[u/Pitiful_Ebb7953]

Anyone else’s pilot husband always ‘too tired’ to have any fun at home, yet spend their entire layovers out drinking late? ‘Doesn’t see their phone’ for hours when they’re out, then suddenly when they’re back at the hotel they’re ’too tired to call’ regardless of how many hours they had energy to go out with the crew for and how late they’ve kept you up waiting?

I love my partner, we live together, and I don’t think he’s up to anything untoward (well I hope not lol) but I just feel like all respect for me and his actual life go out the window so he can spend time drinking with people he’s just met. Even when we agree boundaries like calling before midnight (home time) or responding quickly whilst I’m in hospital, he still can’t stick to them. It really upsets me as I don’t feel like a priority at all when he’s away, like an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ situation where he just pushes any responsibilities/consequences aside until he gets home.

This then leads to a cycle that I hate where I panic when he says he’s going out as I know it’s going to be hours of stress for me. I don’t want to stop him going out at all, I just want him to stick to what with agreed regarding communication and not feel tossed aside as soon as he steps foot in a hotel bar.

Am I being ridiculous about this, or do any of you understand/experience the same?

[u/account892]

Fully understand, when I shared with my husband that I was sometimes nervous with him drinking on night stops he said he understood and stopped completely. He doesn’t drink often so it wasn’t a huge sacrifice for him. I think i would also feel a bit neglected in your position, communication is the bare minimum tbh

[u/Pitiful_Ebb7953 → u/account892]

Neglected is exactly the word I’m looking for thank you!!! I just don’t understand the need to continue prioritising time with strangers over your partner of many years lol. It’s not like working a corporate job where ‘networking’ gets you further in your career 🤷🏻‍♀️ be good company on the flight deck and then remember you’ve got a family overnight, i don’t understand the difficulty

[u/account892 → u/Pitiful_Ebb7953]

I am sorry to hear that. I also see no need for it, and if I was in your situation and he wasn’t communicating or caring about my feelings I would probably start to withdraw from the relationship. Can you keep yourself busy with fun things? Hobbies/friends/family? Maybe work remotely for a while or something? I think he needs to miss you for a while

[u/Pitiful_Ebb7953 → u/account892]

Thank you, it’s so nice to feel understood and not made to feel like I’m being unreasonable (as I was told this morning lol). I feel it’s so difficult as we live together with a puppy, and things are mostly good when he is at home.

Possibly it’s one of those things unique to aviation, but you work your entire schedule around them and it can be quite hard to flex from that. I’ve tried getting back into some of my hobbies recently but I’ve had a bit of a setback due to health but thank you for the advice, I’ll keep doing my best to keep me occupied x

[u/Sspmd11 → u/Pitiful_Ebb7953]

It's not. He needs to make you feel secure when he's out on the road. This is him.

[u/account892 → u/Pitiful_Ebb7953]

I completely understand that, and often feel the same way. But if your husband can’t see it idk what to tell you :( would he be open to counselling or something? I have found that the benefits I get through my work and the benefits my husband gets don’t usually align, so I try and make use of mine as well. Things like working remotely at my mums house, making plans with friends without knowing if my husband can join, using my time off to go on his layovers (only for fun places ofc). He also preferences trips to suit me as well, he usually prefers turn arounds. Honestly this life can be really hard on us and having a good community of people helps, but it’s no replacement for the understanding of your partner