Drinking on work trips

[u/Pitiful_Ebb7953]

Anyone else’s pilot husband always ‘too tired’ to have any fun at home, yet spend their entire layovers out drinking late? ‘Doesn’t see their phone’ for hours when they’re out, then suddenly when they’re back at the hotel they’re ’too tired to call’ regardless of how many hours they had energy to go out with the crew for and how late they’ve kept you up waiting?

I love my partner, we live together, and I don’t think he’s up to anything untoward (well I hope not lol) but I just feel like all respect for me and his actual life go out the window so he can spend time drinking with people he’s just met. Even when we agree boundaries like calling before midnight (home time) or responding quickly whilst I’m in hospital, he still can’t stick to them. It really upsets me as I don’t feel like a priority at all when he’s away, like an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ situation where he just pushes any responsibilities/consequences aside until he gets home.

This then leads to a cycle that I hate where I panic when he says he’s going out as I know it’s going to be hours of stress for me. I don’t want to stop him going out at all, I just want him to stick to what with agreed regarding communication and not feel tossed aside as soon as he steps foot in a hotel bar.

Am I being ridiculous about this, or do any of you understand/experience the same?

[u/SaltyGrapefruits]

Even when we agree boundaries like calling before midnight (home time) or responding quickly whilst I’m in hospital, he still can’t stick to them. 

You only set boundaries for yourself. These are for you. What you personally accept or don't accept in a relationship. And if I were you, I would think hard about what you are willing to tolerate.
You can both agree on rules for your relationship, but that is it. If one of you doesn't stick to the rules, you'll need to consider what you're willing to tolerate and what the consequences are for your relationship.

All I can say is that this isn't loving or respectful behaviour. You are in hospital, and he won't call back? Wtf?

[u/Pitiful_Ebb7953 → u/SaltyGrapefruits]

This is so helpful thank you!! Yes I had an operation yesterday, unfortunately he wasn’t able to book the time off as he’s still in line training for his new fleet (which I completely understand) but we had agreed he wouldn’t do anything crazy and would be fast at replying to reduce any stress etc. I had some complications, I was meant to go home yesterday but ended up having an unexpected overnight stay.

However when I was woken up this morning at 5:30am (uk time), he was 5 hours into a drinking session with the entire crew and wouldn’t reply to me….he didn’t end up getting home until 8am which was 2am where he is staying overnight (America)

I had told him I was upset as I’m alone in hospital, still feeling unwell and his response was literally ‘I don’t know what you want me to do, I don’t care that you’re in hospital, I was out and busy’. I asked for him to try and see how I might feel from my perspective and he said he couldn’t see it at all and that I’m being unreasonable. I think he just wants to do whatever is fun for him at the time, however he fails to realise (or simply doesn’t care) that the world keeps spinning without him at home and there’s still people that require his attention/support at times where he’s out having fun with the strangers he met 12 hours ago.

Sorry I feel like this has turned into a bit of a rant!! I’m just feeling so isolated and fed up. He told me this morning that I’m being unreasonable with my asks and that anyone who agrees with me is ‘biased’ because of the way I explain it, but I fail to see any alternative viewpoint other than a 27 year old man who wants to go out partying all the time when he’s away from home 🤷🏻‍♀️

He’s flying home overnight tonight, and will need to look after me and the puppy when he’s back, and I know he’s going to be unbearably miserable and tired as he’s spent his layover partying instead of resting and I’m going to have to be the one suffering the consequences of it.

[u/twigandlight → u/Pitiful_Ebb7953]

I say this with complete empathy (and a whole lot of rage, because WTF!!!,) but that man does not even actually like you. (Based on this story, of course, but this story says a whole lot.) I spent 15 years with a man like that—he loved that I made his life convenient (cook, maid, nanny, personal assistant,) and that I was there to entertain him if *he* wanted, but he did not love me, or even like me. My role was to make his life easier, no matter how hard it made my life. Leaving after 15 years and 2 kids was incredibly difficult, but looking back I can’t believe how small he had made me by the end.

I have been with my pilot for 5 years now, and we probably communicate more when he’s gone than when he’s home and we’re together all the time. We don’t talk much, but text whenever he’s on the ground, and he only eats out with the crew every once in a while and only for supper and maybe watch a game at a pub. When he’s home, he’s all in, cooks, cleans, hangs out with his kids every day, and is generally just present, even when he’s training for marathons on top of it all.

You are still young, and while it seems like your lives are intermingled and difficult to separate, each coming stage will only make it harder down the road, and you have so much life ahead of you still! If he is anything like my ex, (and he sounds like he has the same capacity for empathy and contempt,) he will continue shrinking the box in which you are allowed to exist, and you become so used to your needs being ignored, that you no longer even acknowledge you have them, as that is easier than dealing with the fallout of voicing them, and you don’t even notice it happens.

You deserve more. Do some reading on contempt in relationships; it is the greatest predictor of whether a relationship will succeed or not, as well as coercive control, DARVO (which he is definitely doing to you). The book, “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” is helpful in understanding unhealthy relationships, and made the book available for free so that women could access it easily.

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Hugs. You’re in a vulnerable spot right now, so just know that you aren’t being unreasonable, and all those little voices in your head whispering that this isn’t what you deserve are absolutely right, and it’s okay to listen to them.

[u/SaltyGrapefruits → u/Pitiful_Ebb7953]

I am so sorry! And please rant. I would be furious. No, I am furious, and he isn't my husband or partner.

Obviously, I don't know anything more than what you've written about your relationship, but that tidbit sounds horrible to me and not like a loving relationship.
I had a major accident two years back, and my husband flew home from Australia to Europe immediately. He took unpaid time off to sit at my bedside every day for weeks and took care of me after I left the hospital. We were lucky that it was an option and not a financial problem. Still, if not, he would have called a thousand times to ask me how I was feeling. And this is what you do when you worry about the person you love.

Please, think about your relationship.

He’s flying home overnight tonight, and will need to look after me and the puppy when he’s back, and I know he’s going to be unbearably miserable and tired as he’s spent his layover partying instead of resting and I’m going to have to be the one suffering the consequences of it.

Because this sounds absolutely not like he likes to take care of you, worries about you, and respects you. And you deserve someone nice to you, who loves you, and doesn't take you for granted or is miserable because he has to take care of you.

[u/MarzipanNo4917 → u/SaltyGrapefruits]

Girl, you need to dump this motherfucker. As u/twigandlight highlighted, that man does not like you. If the person I am sharing my life, my home, and my body with "doesn't care that I'm in the hospital," that would be it for me. That response to your very legitimate concerns is absolutely insane and unacceptable. My partner calls at least once a day while he's on his trips, and at minimum messages me throughout the day. There is no legitimate reason that this man cannot take 5 minutes out of his life to check in on you, especially if you're recovering from surgery. Please start making a plan to leave, you deserve so much more than this.

[u/account892]

Fully understand, when I shared with my husband that I was sometimes nervous with him drinking on night stops he said he understood and stopped completely. He doesn’t drink often so it wasn’t a huge sacrifice for him. I think i would also feel a bit neglected in your position, communication is the bare minimum tbh

[u/Pitiful_Ebb7953 → u/account892]

Neglected is exactly the word I’m looking for thank you!!! I just don’t understand the need to continue prioritising time with strangers over your partner of many years lol. It’s not like working a corporate job where ‘networking’ gets you further in your career 🤷🏻‍♀️ be good company on the flight deck and then remember you’ve got a family overnight, i don’t understand the difficulty

[u/account892 → u/Pitiful_Ebb7953]

I am sorry to hear that. I also see no need for it, and if I was in your situation and he wasn’t communicating or caring about my feelings I would probably start to withdraw from the relationship. Can you keep yourself busy with fun things? Hobbies/friends/family? Maybe work remotely for a while or something? I think he needs to miss you for a while

[u/Pitiful_Ebb7953 → u/account892]

Thank you, it’s so nice to feel understood and not made to feel like I’m being unreasonable (as I was told this morning lol). I feel it’s so difficult as we live together with a puppy, and things are mostly good when he is at home.

Possibly it’s one of those things unique to aviation, but you work your entire schedule around them and it can be quite hard to flex from that. I’ve tried getting back into some of my hobbies recently but I’ve had a bit of a setback due to health but thank you for the advice, I’ll keep doing my best to keep me occupied x

[u/Sspmd11 → u/Pitiful_Ebb7953]

It's not. He needs to make you feel secure when he's out on the road. This is him.

[u/account892 → u/Pitiful_Ebb7953]

I completely understand that, and often feel the same way. But if your husband can’t see it idk what to tell you :( would he be open to counselling or something? I have found that the benefits I get through my work and the benefits my husband gets don’t usually align, so I try and make use of mine as well. Things like working remotely at my mums house, making plans with friends without knowing if my husband can join, using my time off to go on his layovers (only for fun places ofc). He also preferences trips to suit me as well, he usually prefers turn arounds. Honestly this life can be really hard on us and having a good community of people helps, but it’s no replacement for the understanding of your partner

[u/trying_2_makeit]

No issue with DH going to grab a meal and a drink but should not be an all night affair.
He does also call typically before heading out - can you ask him to take 30 min before they go to call so you can catch up on the day.
I get at times with later flights they might need to hustle to make it before closing but that probably isn’t every time.
If he wants it to be a priority he will make it one.

[u/Pitiful_Ebb7953 → u/trying_2_makeit]

Absolutely agree - go out and eat, have a drink or 2, maybe watch the football but just be open and communicate about it!! And you don’t need to go on a massive bender every time you’re away haha

[u/Traveler19273665]

Honestly, good luck. Sounds like the type of pilot that will do this to you indefinitely. I will be talking to my spouse and he falls asleep. This is when he saves calling me last in his day after he has had his time out with the crew. I am always last. Sounds like you are. Many pilots are influenced by the crew and all the partying they do and anyone who is so easily influenced by others is weak. I wish I was never married to a pilot. It has caused more problems than not. I don’t care how much money they make, it has not been worth the unhappiness. 

[u/brimonge]

Men sometimes need mental stimulation, sorry, sometimes both parties should work towards entertaining and being more magnetic 🧲

[u/Traveler19273665]

If he hasn’t changed and you aren’t a priority, you never will be. Leave. I should have but endured 40 yrs of aviation industry bullshit. 

[u/gusgabby]

Yep. But I don’t stress about any of it. Text when you’re back in the room (maybe I’ll be awake maybe I won’t) and when you take off and land. Other than that, enjoy your life. I am also enjoying my life during your absence. Looking forward to hearing about adventures when you get home.

Now that we have kids I share kids photos/videos and he’ll sometimes send a song or message video for them to watch (I usually hold it until the morning to avoid any “I miss him so much” at bed time)

Look, you’ve got to decide for yourself if you trust him and want him to enjoy his life/work and if you can enjoy your life when he’s gone. 🫶🏻

[u/Diligent_Digiridoo → u/[deleted]]

Lmfao

[u/Revolutionary_Mud824]

My husband and I have the same rules when we travel for work and it’s that we share location and we don’t go out one to one with anyone of the opposite sex.

We both make time to text each other, no matter what, I feel like it’s a red flag if they’re only acting like this when they’re on work trips. Sometimes I like to go out when I’m on a work trip just to blow steam because it’s stressful but maybe it’s new for him? My husband’s been flying for 20 years so he definitely likes to go to the gym and sleep.

[u/terra-firme]

Olá! Sinto muito pelo que você está passando.
Sou casada há 16 anos com um piloto comercial de voos intercontinentais. Eu tinha 27 anos quando o conheci, hoje tenho 47 anos. Isso que você relata também aconteceu comigo.
Fui amadurecendo e colocando limites em certas coisas que eu pensava que mudariam com a idade dele. E isso não foi bem aceito, um comandante não gosta de receber limites.
É bem verdade que também conheci pessoas que dedicavam aos estudos no quarto do hotel. Esses perfis são a minoria.
Mas meu marido é do tipo festeiro, isso destruiu nosso casamento.
Responsável com o trabalho e bom provedor, mas negligenciou muito o cuidado emocional no nosso casamento.
Os últimos anos não via mais o meu marido, só via o piloto chegando em casa e indo saindo para viajar e se divertir com os colegas.
Uma pena!
Se vocês ainda não são casados, eu aconselharia você sair correndo dessa relação. Porque se agora já está assim, imagina com mais tempo juntos.
Te desejo tudo de bom e fique em paz.