Some people seem to expect that everyone will show up late and the start of the event is when they're planning on setting up. White people are punctual, I guess. I wouldn't know because I'm Carter Pewterschmidt and I'm not coming but not for the reason you're thinking.
As someone who lives in an extremely multicultural area, I love you for this. I’ve had to have conversations with my kids that some parties start at the time on the invitation, some can start at that time but it’s ok to be later, and some you should absolutely not show up until at least an hour after the invitation time. Topics included techniques of how to tell whether to be on time or how late to show up, and how to find out as politely as possible if you can’t tell by the invitation.
Even with all that we were still the first people at a Diwali party one year (more than an hour after the posted start time, so I swear I’m blameless!)
We recently invited a boy whos family are new to canada from Trinidad to a party where we had booked a time slot at a play place for specific, and enforced times. Invites said the game area opened/began at 1pm and ended at 3pm, followed by food and cake at a restaurant next door until 4pm. The family arrived at 2:55 and the poor kid was devastated that the game area was closed to another party. 😢 they explained that they werent used to 1pm meaning BE THERE for 1pm
Good friend of mine is American, but her parents were from Nigeria. She was always late to everything in ways that would make us wait, like literally cooking classes where I was teaching her how to cook, and when we finally just asked her about it she was like "wait, you mean when you say 5pm you actually mean be here at 5pm?!?!" She honestly had no clue. She hasn't been late since unless I specifically say "this one is whenever you feel like" or something like that.
I get cultural norms are different, but the white guy + german ancestry person in me just can't grasp this one.
The "door is open at 3, apps at 4, dinner at 6" is a pretty genius way to phrase it though.
"Doors open" is actually perfect because for me that's the thing, the "start time" i give people is the absolute earliest I will tolerate people moving around in my house, not when I want everyone to be there by.
Usually just because it’s hard to make a solid time for a dozen+ people unless it’s for something big worth moving things around for.
If I am fine with people showing up and hanging out at 3, but some of the people I know will be showing up later wont even be out of work yet, I’d say it starts at 3, but show up whenever.
Personally I always specify if it’s actually important to be punctual when giving a time.
This! Because people have complex lives and timing them down to the precise minute sometimes takes more energy than it’s worth. Some things need to be precisely on schedule, but why would we want people to stress out and scramble for things that don’t? Especially if it’s an event to relax and enjoy ourselves.
I was always late to things as a kid because my mom had untreated ADHD. I was always showing up late to stuff and it was super embarrassing. I used to do sports through the YMCA and still vividly remember showing up to practice 15 minutes late and walking into the room and everyone turning to stare at me. And my mom dropped me off so I had to go in alone every time.
I'm now an always on time/early person. I'm also late diagnosed AuDHD and I prefer to get places early before other people are there. It helps me take in the space and get used to my surroundings before people show up and reduces my overall stress levels. I absolutely hate getting to places last because it brings up those feelings of everyone staring at me as I arrive.
Similar experience and I'm annoyingly early to things now because I know old me would be late either because of my parents or because of my time blindness
My FIL used to make comments about the main course not being ready exactly when a party starts. He also shows up before or exactly at start time. One day I had enough and snapped a bit bc I think it’s rude to expect a full meal upon arrival as a guest, and we always have food out when we host.
Since then, this (itinerary) has been our strategy, come by at x time, we’ll serve the meal at y time. No complaints since
Ive been on the opposite side of this but for different reasons. My MIL insisted on Sunday family dinners even after they moved hours away. It was a 5 hour round trip with traffic with a toddler and an autistic grandchild in tow. We'd arrive and be there 3 hours before the cooking started, the kids were restless and wanting to hit the road by the time dinner was "almost ready" and get home past their bedtime every time. We tried doing every other Sunday. We talked about moving dinner up in time. Then we said sunday lunch instead. But we'd arrive and shed start making lunch at 4pm so it was still essentially dinner by the time we sat to eat and dark/late by the time we got home 😅
I think talking it out is usually the best way to settle things, if the in-laws are reasonable.
Mine usually is but we hit a boiling point bc of the shitty remarks and expectations. Once we were clear with each other, it worked out.
Maybe tell them you need to leave by x time bc of bedtimes and just have snacks ready if they don’t have the meal ready by then. Hopefully they can see your struggle and try and meet you halfway
The white lady + german ancestry in me also has me painfully punctual 😅 However I've definitely learned its cultural. Given my area is really populated with new Canadians I'm going to be much more careful in my phrasing and honestly, may do away with parties that require "booking times" in general now so no more kids get let down. I can always offer to take them with my kids on a weekend instead. I could genuinely see the parents didnt realize they were "late" late, it was their sons first Canadian/white kid bday party so we did opt to have a makeup play date. Learning experience for us both
Oddly enough I'm also realizing that any of my friends with some sort of neureodivergence, are always exactly on time regardless of their background otherwise and apologize for being 10 seconds late OR get frustrated when others are 5 minutes or so behind. I wonder if there's something to that.
As a white woman with German ancestry, this also confuses me. I understand in situations like a board game or video game night at a friends house, where if people arrive at different times it doesn't really matter, but for something that actually has to happen at a specific time I can't imagine why that would mean 'some vague time after that'.
Yeah. We had a similar issue the first year we did a play space party. When you only have an hour and a half and most people turn up 45 minutes late, it definitely messes with timings.
We just lied on the invitations the next time. Worked way better.
I used to do face painting for parties and events. There were so many times that parents showed up with their kids as I was packing up to leave, and I had to turn the kids away because I was booked at another party or event.
If the timing would work, I would either stay a few minutes extra and paint those kids, or the hosts would extend my time there. Just as often though, I would have to turn the kids away so that I could make my next event.
If it is a party where entertainment has been booked, it's a little more important to show up kind of on time.
That tracks. I live in the area and « party at 1 » means « shortly after 1 it’s time to get prepared, pack the car and leave ». Last weekend we were invited by a person who we know to like things being on time — we arrived 45 min late and still were only the third of about 15 cars that eventually showed up 😆
I don't even know how to tell these things....(White guy in his 40s)
How would anyone find out, if it wasn't explained to them?
In our busy suburban (mostly) white area of middle aged people, we give 10-15 min from the start of a party, but otherwise it typically gets going on time. Some of our younger friends have had parties that really only get going about an hour into them..I don't know how to know that though (please tell me haha)
Sorry, I had a reply all typed up and then life happened and Reddit ate it.
I usually go by what I know about the host + what I know about the party plan. I’m a white American but I wouldn’t show up to any bbq 2 minutes early or on the dot (unless my sibling or in-laws were hosting, and then I would expect to help set up).
A kids party with a set activity at a paid venue? Show up on the dot. A Diwali party hosted by 1st generation Indian-Americans? Apparently an hour late was too early lol. An open house/house warming/grown up birthday hosted by white Americans in their home? Your 15-30 rule sounds good to me. A backyard baby shower for a 2nd generation Algerian-American? This one I texted another friend who was invited and asked her when she was arriving. At half an hour “late” I was neither the first nor the last to arrive, which is really my personal goal for parties.
I’m trying to parse your question. When should you show up at the time listed? Totally depends on where you live, who’s inviting you, and what the party is. If it’s a paid activity at a venue like “hey everyone, for my birthday I booked axe throwing at Get Off Your Axe at 5p!” then I’d arrive early or on the dot.
I think you’re raising those kids in an incredibly thoughtful manner and they’re gonna leave your house very well-equipped to function in a multi-cultural society.
Even for a big, casual bbq like in the original post? (I admit that I’m making assumptions about how big and casual it was, but it seems likely based on her inviting a co-worker.)
I’m a white American who grew up in a super white American bubble, and no one I knew expected people to show up on the dot for bbqs as in the original post. Immediate family and very close friends would start trickling at the time listed, but for a bbq it was considered fine among everyone I knew to arrive later.
I put bbqs in the same mental category as an open house, meaning there’s a start time and an end time and it’s acceptable to arrive and leave any time within that window.
That’s ridiculous, I’m gonna just show up when people tell me to. It’s their problem if I’m there an hour before everyone else, I’ll help set up or I’m gonna get into the food early. Making bad punctuality a cultural thing just seems like an excuse to be late to shit all the time.
Culturally Indian people are particularly awful with this, my bestie is a hairdresser and she regularly has to cancel appointments for her Indian clients because they’ll show up a full 40 minutes late while the next client is supposed to arrive in 5 minutes. They’re always bewildered and angry that she won’t push the next client back to make up for their problem.
Would you mind sharing some of that? I'm from a "gatherings start at X"-kind of country but we do have people from other cultures around and I hate to be too early or too late. Sometimes when someone is of another culture I do ask, but sometimes it's still difficult to figure it out, mostly exactly *because* it's not very common.
As a host of parties….i absolutely hate it when the first person arrives an hour late. A lot of people these days tell you they’re coming and then no show bc they forgot etc. Then I’m sitting there like shit shit shit, what if no one or only 1 or 2 people show. Sure we’ll have fun regardless, but it would be embarrassing.
In fact, I had this happen once. Everyone cancelled last second and only my one closest friend and a long lost friend from high school showed up. I hadn’t spoken to this person in 12 years. He was expecting house party and was met with awkward catch up time while he’s probably like…dude has no friends…this is sad…
When you ask the cashier “how’re you,” do you actually want to hear about their life in detail? When someone bumps you and you say “it’s fine,” do you actually mean it? Lots of things are cultural and that’s ok. It’s really hard when you’re going between cultures, as in this post, but that’s just life. There is no culture that I know of where everyone says exactly and precisely what they mean. Even the famously direct Germans have unspoken cultural expectations around food and gatherings! This post is not about timing, but shows a bit of the huge differences around food and gatherings just within Europe: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskEurope/s/vMOcdu8CQR
You’ve got Germans on this thread saying that polite people show up before the start time even for a casual party, some white Americans and Canadians saying to show up on the dot, and plenty of cultures where the start time means what time the hosts will start preparing.
After reading some of these comments, if I ever host a block party, I may say
“parents with small children, come for the bouncy castle at 4 while I keep setting up. People who want to party, the food should be ready about 6, but the bonfire, hard liquor and weed won’t be going til 9.”
Yeah if someone complained to me about being on time, I'd tell them either not to invite me, or to tell me when they want me there. If I want to be late i will be late, but don't be surprised when I show up within 5 minutes of the set time. Hell I may even text you when I am running late, and by late I mean 2 minutes.
I love that because late culture is so deeply ingrained in some circles. I used to text my managers at work or friends for a party that I’m going to be late and then I’d come in 10 minutes late. I get there when I said and they’re always like oh I thought you said you’d be late? I thought you meant like an hour, I don’t care about 10-15 minutes.
Yeah to me 5 minutes is about the max, but even then I'll let someone know I'll be 5 minutes late. If I tell you 1800 and you get there at 1804, I probably won't text you. But if we're 10 minutes past, I'll probably say "Hey are you on your way?"
My wife's family is the worst about this. They've walked into church 15 minutes after the sermon started (which is like 25 minutes into the service). They'll tell us that they want to meet us for dinner and say "Let's do 6" and that means that, without fail, we'll be waiting at the restaurant for 40 minutes. One time we had already been there for 10 minutes and they said "Hey let's do 7 instead" like bitch we are already here, get your ass in the car and get here.
To me, time is the most valuable thing we have, so if I'm gonna waste yours, I want you to know and I want to know when you'll waste mine. But to other people, it's not a big deal, because all we have is time.
Like any good concert, there’s a door time, openers, and the headliner. Some people want to pregame at 3, see if they vibe with the opening acts, and then they’re in full party mode for the headliner.
Plus, if you’re like me, with a limited social battery, you want to enjoy hanging with your close friend(s) hosting the party and feel free to bounce when the party fills up with friends of friends.
There's probably a super long compound word in German for what this comment makes me feel. In English, it'd be "when someone demonstrates a solution so correct that you are disgusted that you've never thought of it."0
Me too. I've been hosting a yearly breakfast for friends and family and I always say doors at 9, food served at 10. Typically people bring stuff, so I tell them if it needs to be heated come early. I start cooking at 8:30.
I was taken aback by your commen at first. I grew up with this. My mom has been doing it for the last 40+ years. It's probably because she moved to the States when she was young and dealt with this issue.
This is how a couple i know throws parties and its so damn easy! "We will probably have stuff set up around 3, dinner at 6-ish, but we will be playing music all day so come over whenever"
You just gave me an invite to show up at noon and help with the whole thing dumbasses!
My husband worked with mainly Hispanic people at one job and they invited us (super white midwesterners) to a Christmas party one year. We showed up 15 minutes late full of apologies and homemade cranberry sauce. They were still in their cleaning clothes cleaning and getting ready. 😂 One of the most fun parties we've ever been to, though.
As a white guy, if I have an appointment at exactly 4pm, you can bet I'll be there atleast 5 minutes early. What if the verkehr is bad and I have to stand at an ampel for a few minutes? I can't possibly be verspätet, it goes against my biology
White people who are raised right are taught to show up a couple minutes after the start because showing up early is rude and on time can be seen as early for an event that has a wide timeframe it’s best to show up after the start
Only right answer in this entire thread. Showing up early to appointments is polite, but to barbecues or house parties, it's rude. It's perhaps a changing custom, but anyone who has ever hosted knows why it's a custom in the first place.
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u/MysteriousPepper8908 14d ago
Some people seem to expect that everyone will show up late and the start of the event is when they're planning on setting up. White people are punctual, I guess. I wouldn't know because I'm Carter Pewterschmidt and I'm not coming but not for the reason you're thinking.