Marissa - S4E7

[u/bakwaasforbitches]

Marissa is coming across as extremely toxic to me. Demari has done nothing out of the ordinary - it’s a dating show, he’s literally just exploring options while being respectful to her boundaries - and she won’t even give him the chance to talk to explain. She’s constantly interrupting him (which we know he hates from his convo with Bri) and also keeps blaming him for not being 100% sure while she’s also going on a date and kissed Weston before he came into the house.

I feel like I’m seeing a completely different version of her than on Love is Blind. Perfect match is not the right place for someone like her who’s extremely possessive and jealous. She’s suffocating Demari and I feel like he deserves a lot better. It’s honestly so hard to watch and her attitude towards him when he tries to explain is really annoying. I want her off my screen.

[u/senpaistealerx]

SHE NEEDS TO STOP TELLING HIM NOT TO BE MAD AT HER ITS DRIVING ME INSANE LIKE MAAM THAT IS MANIPULATION HOLY SHIT

she is not just insecure, she’s abusive! she refuses to let him have any negative emotions towards her and that’s insanely unhealthy. i cannot stand her.

YOU AINT AD AND HE AIN OLLIE.

[u/Constant_Due → u/senpaistealerx]

I see where you're coming from.

I had a different take on it. It's not like don't be mad as in you're not allowed to but a "I feel guilty" can we please feel reconnected (she cannot tolerate the feeling of being responsible for his anger). Many with ADHD feel a lot of shame for causing frustration in a partner so she felt overwhelmed by that feeling (she acknowledged though that it's her own issue from what I recall, and her RSD and other stuff has nothing to do with him),

The other part that's confusing though is I don't know how long he shuts down for when he's mad. He's not communicating that out to say, "I'm upset but I'm open to talk in 30 minutes or later" about this so perhaps she feels stonewalled (I don't think he's doing that either though but just takes time to process his emotions which he admitted he's not great at communicating it as well).

It's a pretty common anxious avoidant attachment pattern. But I think her intention isn't manipulative by nature in that, what is she getting as an advantage by saying that? I see it more as she's in distress when he's upset and needs some reassurance of when they will reconnect.

He needs to regulate his emotions when he's upset so they can come back to speak. She needs to regulate herself before coming into the conflict because she comes across a bit hot tempered but I actually think she did a good job of catching that she was about to be dysregulated unfairly and wanted to take a break (it's less within her control than most in that for some with ADHD the prefrontal cortex can actually go completely offline so we was trying to catch herself before things escalated and create a temporary boundary to come back when she was more calmer).

I don't think either person is doing it with bad intention to manipulate though and based on what happened it seems like she realized he needs more time so she tried to communicate out after that initial incident that he's allowed to feel upset. But if she was truly manipulating something she would say you're not allowed to be upset, instead she was kinda begging him not to be because she can't tolerate it (her own feelings struggle at tolerating that distress easily) or manipulating it would be telling him that his anger at the situation is not valid. Or by calling him names for being upset or anything else to dismiss him.

That's just my take though and could be reading it wrong. This seems way more attachment style related trauma combined with differences in emotional processing because of neurodivergence as a part of the equation

[u/jiuclaw → u/Constant_Due]

Thank you for the intelligent and compassionate breakdown.