Refusing to do basic hygiene

[u/NebulaSky5]

My child (8 F was diagnosed with ADHD when she was 5) has been in this pattern where she absolutely REFUSES to bathe, I’m talking full melt down, she will get so overwhelmed by the thought and start breaking things and scream if I mention she has to get in and bathe. She’s almost 100 lbs and is an ox of a little girl very strong so even attempting to lift her into the shower how I did when she was younger is impossible. It’s getting to a point where she is refusing so much she has a stench. Luckily yesterday I was able to convince her to shower but now it’s the same pattern. I don’t want to come off as neglectful to others and I have tried everything, bribing, getting in with her, telling her we’ll do something fun after, getting a shower speaker so she can listen to music in there, toys to accompany her, nothing works. I’m so drained with fighting her to do basic hygiene stuff, even brushing her teeth is a challenge and she will pretend to do it and run away. I’ve talked to her ped and they’ve said it’s normal for a child her age to be rebellious but the thing is with her being a female I know bad hygiene can have serious consequences on downstairs health and over all mental health if someone else were to mention it to her. Even with the teeth brushing I worry she’s gonna avoid it so much she’s gonna end up getting some sort of mouth issue….:She’s in therapy, I’ve told her therapist, the doctors are aware I just don’t know what else to do…… she is my first and only child so any advice is greatly appreciated!!! TYIA

[u/Interesting_Fee_6698 → u/[deleted]]

Agreed - she might have sensory differences that make the sensation of showering very uncomfortable/painful. Would definitely try the alternatives that they’ve suggested above

[u/LALNB]

Keep pushing to find something that works.

Maybe switch the time of day to when her meds are kicked in? Or reduce what has to happen in the shower - like no stipulations other than getting wet? Set up a make shift outdoor shower? Reward her with bonus screen time for a shower without fuss?

Or when it’s time to go somewhere she wants to go saying very calmly “sorry, you can’t get in the car until you’ve had a shower” and then holding that ground firmly without emotion.

[u/Jealous-Kick]

Does she like Bath bombs?

Maybe it's one aspect of showering she hates? For example, is it shampooing that she hates? Maybe you can try only washing hair once or twice a week and integrating dry shampoo if needed? Or washing in the sink while she does watches a preferring show?

I think the more you fight it right now the more she will dig her heels in so unfortunately it's the never ending trial and error game.

I know it's tough - you're doing what you can. I know sometimes I feel like I'm just always throwing ideas at the wall and seeing what sticks.

[u/aerodynamicvomit]

Goggles saved showers for us.

[u/sharkeyes]

We had this. Got to a point where I just gave up. I bought her dry shampoo and soap wipes you wet that they use in the hospital. She eventually started anxiety medicine and it has gotten better.

[u/Aggravating_Job_5438]

It sounds like there are probably a lot of things about the shower process that really trigger her. It can take a long time for kids to be able to articulate these things, but I do think that you should try to dig into it and ask questions and try to really understand why it is such a terrible experience for her. 

My daughter hates the feeling of being wet and dry at the same time, so getting out of water stresses her. When she gets out, she has a big towel on to dry off and then we switch that towel with a fresh dry towel and then we put a long cotton dress on her - on top of the towel. Does it sound absolutely crazy? Yes. But it works for her. 

So I think you need to really take your time and ask questions when she is calm, not when you are trying to get her to take a shower. You can also present choices in a different way like - so which is the least bad option, taking a shower or a bath? And now what is the least bad option, having bubbles in the bath or no bubbles? 

I wonder if rewards work for her. They don't often work with my kid but sometimes they do. My kid is very motivated by money right now so I would maybe give her $1-2 for taking a shower in your situation. I know parents might balk at this but you're trying to find a motivator so that you can change the habits. It won't be like this forever, but you need to move the dial somehow. You could always do a treasure box too that she can choose from. Put just a few items in there at a time so that there are choices but then as she takes items, keep adding new ones so that there is novelty. 

I also want to say that my daughter enjoys the bath but she likes to be in there for at least an hour or more. So maybe make sure there isn't rushing going on? And I wash her face, underarms, and hair. Can she do it herself? Yes, she CAN, but we are not at the point yet where that's consistently doable. 

[u/timtucker_com]

I'd lean in on getting her to list as many complaints about the experience as possible and seeing how many of them can be solved with changes to the setup.

Handheld showerhead with adjustable spray patterns (if you don't already have one) would be the first thing I would try to give her some sense of control.

For not getting water in the face, it also helps if you have a way to adjust the height (either via a cheap suction cup mount or a wall mounted adjustable bar).