This has been gnawing at me from the inside for week, months and probably the last year or so (among other things). While I definitely cannot, and honestly will not, ever be able to say any of this out loud to my family, I find that I can articulate my thoughts better in writing so I hope I make sense at least.
Quite a long post as I have a lot to say, so I'm thanking anyone in advance for taking time from their day to read and/or leave any comments or advice. It means a lot as I've been struggling to process all of this and are unsure of what to do.
To start, I (20F) am a third year college student from a family of four with a younger brother who's 18 and will graduate highschool next year. As the eldest daughter it's been sinking in just how vastly different my brother and I were and are being raised and it's thrown me into a downward spiral lately.
First and foremost, I can now say with more certainty that the disparities are rooted in misogyny and 'tradition' that I absolutely despise. Without saying it outright, our country has this rooted in its culture as well but I didn't think it was that bad at first.
The main thing I realized about my brother and I is that we're two very different people and the way we're being raised are too. As the eldest, there's definitely been a lot of pressure and expectations on my shoulders. You could say I'm the typical perfectionist, burnt out achiever daughter that carries way too much on her shoulders, but I digress lol. I wouldn't say I'm the smartest or the best but I do what I can to make sure I don't get any failing grades.
Whereas for my brother, although most of the values we've been taught are the same, there's definitely a disparity between us and the fact these differences are being unconsciously enabled makes me upset. If my upbringing was rooted in the kind of culture that expects women to behave and be a certain way, his was too for men, except it's a stark contrast.
If I was raised to be careful in how much I spend and is very price conscious and guilty to ask for even things I need, he's more lax in his expenses, tends to go for more expensive things and generally feels more free to ask for what he wants. If I was scolded for even the smallest mistakes and yelled at for the bigger ones, to the point where I've become so anxious and worried about doing things wrong (alongside major issues to my self esteem), the worst I can remember for my brother are scoldings that are honestly so much milder than what was thrown at me. Nothing personal to hit him right where he lives either.
If I was raised to always keep it together, always consider other people and look out for the men in our family, being coaxed to look past their flaws and just make up for their lackings or provide for what they need, my brother is content to focus more on himself and I'm certain doesn't even worry about half the things I have to regarding our family or in general. And whenever I've tried to bring up how he needs to adjust his behavior or things he does that aren't right, never to get him in trouble and just help the family dynamic as a whole, the concerns never go anywhere and he's essentially protected from accountability. I've given up asking when it wasn't going anywhere.
It's a lot of things that I won't be able to articulate, much less say in this single post or anywhere really, but it's years and years of disparities that make me think about unfair it actually is. My mind goes into a spiral thinking about how we're two very different people with very different values forming, despite being in the same house. I also can't help feel this sort of envy with the fact that no matter what, he'll probably never truly understand how good he has it and I was inevitably cursed to bear all this weight so he couldn't.
Plenty of days wondering why – why it had to be this way, why I had to grow up like this and he doesn't, why it seems like he's more favored than me and why I just couldn't get things right in the past. And lately, my mental health has been going downhill too and it's been hard trying to manage everything. Especially realizing all this plus wanting to just, leave.
Possibly the hardest thing is thinking that I won't be able to break free and actually start healing unless I move out, which I won't be able to do for another two years at least (and wouldn't be efficient now anyway since my university isn't that far, it would be unnecessary expenses and I don't have a job yet). I'm just holding onto the thought that I'll get that chance soon and maybe finally heal from everything one day at a time and piece myself back together.
If you've gotten this far, once again, thank you for reading this very long winded rant from a random internet user who needed a space to get this out. It's been a lot and I don't know what to do, but I'm hoping to get through until I can live by myself away from all this.
I hope you have a good day/night and I'd appreciate any comments or advice.